somebody haunt this house

[haunthishouse]

if the cost of my new life is what was my old let me give you the photos to burn. let me take down the curtains and empty my closets, pack my boxes full of letters, home movies, and tapes. if the cost of moving on is leaving the webbing of the old life then I'll tie it in bundles and leave it on the curb. if the cost of my new life is the death of the old, then let my smile be the roses on its grave.

(a response to the image)

[haunthishouse]

my last love was the orange of sunsets a glittering grin a hero's smile. their laugh, a balm for my loneliness and they crossed two countries to be at my side. for them, i was blind i offered up everything i burned my bridges, and abandoned my fellows, let all others fade into night. i abandoned half my soul i scorned an delicate heart i emptied my pockets and spilled more than i owned. and for what? they loved me once i think i loved them once now my chest is quiet, emptied. what starlight shone from within i can no longer see if i water a ground raked smooth will i grow to be green again? will i be full? will i feel like i love you?

[haunthishouse]

i am the fool that falls in love with the sunset and in yearning to kiss dives into the sun

[haunthishouse]

I've been trying to remember how it used to spread through my chest that sweet punch of my fluttering pulse burned at the back of my throat. involuntarily --- i breathe it burrowed deep within me to protect from myself, from the gaping maw of isolated despair. it is weightless, airy, light my fingertips tingling body easing like melted wax a blush racing across my collar peach-toned fizzles of delight piercing at my shivering core. it is the way my face hurts teeth helplessly bared --- smiling the way i squirm and wiggle with joy leaking happiness that tastes of rain and laughter. i never truly stopped (did i?) i clenched a shell of protection down lest i permanently break (it) it's not shards of pain, but a depleting battery, draining. on every day i open myself to the sun, i recharge oh, let me drink the light let me soak in the warmth.

I've been trying to remember what love feels like

[haunthishouse]

so clearly in scraps of moments i, terrified, hope for better things. it feels selfish and indulgent to pack my bags and start anew. but i think of my father eighteen and free driving west into the sun, and my mother moving less than a day east both following opportunity and finding each other's arms. (and sometimes i remember when i made my mother cry and my father told me that i was his child but she was his wife and would always be his priority, would always be at her side first.) i've spent much of my years wanting someone who wants me but at this point i just want more reasons to see another dawn

[haunthishouse]

when did I stop believing in magic?

was it when I stopped believing in love?

[haunthishouse]

why does it always feel like settling

when i finally get what I want?

[haunthishouse]

when every lover

loved all but your body

it curdles your desire

to shame-bitten roots.

and when every lover

says you can love another's body

you ask yourself why

couldn't it be you.

[haunthishouse]

i go insane in the snowfall

low to the ice, belly-crawling.

unkind voices become wolves,

braying laughter and gnashing.

i am shaken to the stones when the leaves drop

and I bury -- myself, my worth, my love.

who am I in the biting wind, in the cold sun

in broken reflections in the frost,

tasting of salt and chilled breath,

my touch like cruel midnights

my smile a crack in a glacier wall.

but the earth softens in new season

hard winters are shed with ease

and i wake to the crows calling to me

to the rain cascading, trickling down

to my heartbeat warming with blood.

beneath the boughs of my spirit stretching

my thoughts stop racing -- and all quiets.

[haunthishouse]

my loneliness was so pure that I didn't recognize it

a sweet sense of innocent desire not to be alone

suprising -- that it surfaced as a brush of touch

and not as a pang, deep-seeded and desperate.

a delicate press in my chest, like petals falling

and the gentle urge to let someone into my space

hello stranger, tell me how has your day been?

is your smile soft, too?

[haunthishouse]

sometimes I wish you'd say no

and all those whisperings could ring true

I could know that my ghosts were right

I could trust the ice in my gut

and know what it is to be certain.

[haunthishouse]

I'm tired

and the sky is endless

why am I always waiting

on a voice so far away

would I be safe now?

alone?

would I still try to fade away?

it still seems...

preferrable.

[haunthishouse]

alone, I doubt.

spun in wire, internal

I cannot trust me

not this one

who ran so far into the ocean

that I wished to drown

my heart is a traitor

and I am lonely, emptied

I gave so much

and now lay hollow.

I echo

what is love is love is

love is love

is love is what is

love

[haunthishouse]

lay me down beneath your palms

a soft, jellied, quivering thing

i tremble in the focus of

an unrelenting flood, pinned.

imagine - the devastation

me, reduced to rubble,

incoherent shuddering pieces

if you were the one

lit with tempestuous flame

[haunthishouse]

maybe I don't believe

that I'm on your mind

because I wouldn't keep me

in tender thoughts

and maybe i don't believe

that you would seek my time

because I wouldn't reach out

and hold my hand

maybe i don't believe i deserve kindness

maybe i dont believe i deserve love

and most of all,

maybe i don't believe i deserve you

[haunthishouse]

you like romance, but are not a romantic

a distinction I couldn't have understood

without being with you.

in this I am young, and you wise,

a real love that more should know of.

this is what it means to be starstuff,

to be cosmic energy reaching for another.

gravity between two bodies, resonating.

[haunthishouse]

rose-coloured romance rings hollow

when I'm shown such care, such focus

that you, in seriousness, would treat me

with unbridled love.

it's what you deserve, declared to me

at every kindness, every show of thought,

it's what you deserve, said boldly

firmly, for in this you see much clearer than I,

learned your lessons too early on the ideals of love.

and what I deserve, I think, is to let go of the past

to unclench my thoughts from those neglected days, and

clear space in my mind to fill with memories,

experiences, and a glowing life with you.

.

i want to be as open as you, as sure

as solid in communication, and as certain.

i want to trust you with my whole self,

even the damaged parts that shy away from kindness,

especially in that well of my injured sorrows.

in time, and it will take time, i want to feel

with my whole body, present, singular in my skin

no longer a stranger to my own existence.

.

what you deserve is the best version of me

and i will strive to be it.

you are no romantic, not the shallow reflection of a heart,

not mellow dramatic or self-wallowing,

not fleeting in your affections.

i can give you the best of me, I think

and not have those parts be crushed from me.

.

it is not romance, but sweetness that you bring

and genuine good I'd forgotten how to be.