You can't just casually mention garlic cock man and not tell the story that's against the law
Are you sure you know what youâre asking of me? Are you sure? Well, okay. But donât say I didnât warn you. This post is long and contains description of genital injury.
So as youâll know, I worked three and a half long, hilarious years at an NHS sexual health and contraception clinic. I loved that job, and packed it in because the Tory cuts to the service meant running it became hideously untenably stressful, but thatâs a story for another time.Â
One of my duties at the clinic was to take phone calls. Patients liked me on the phone because I have a nice voice and Iâm basically completely unflappable, and they felt happy to tell me things. A vital skill in the wang biz.
One day, a man called. This was not unusual. âHello,â he said. âI need to see one of your nurses about my, er, my chap.â
âRighty-oh sir,â I said, âare you experiencing any symptoms that youâre concerned about? Itâs just a yes or no kind of question.â
âWell,â he said, and I instantly felt a dark and terrible energy pulsate down the phone. âWell⊠sort of. But, uh, itâs not symptoms of anything, itâs justâŠâ
I would come to regret what I said next. âIs everything all right, sir?â
âWell.â There was a pause. I heard fidgeting. âI got a yeast infection.â
Phew, easy peasy. Yeasties are easy to fix. I sounded reassuring and buoyant. âWell thatâs nothing to worry about, sir - if you donât want to get anything over the counter from the chemist, we can-â
âNo, no, thatâs not the problem. Listen -â he sounded serious. âListen, Iâll just tell you whatâs the matter, and youâll see what I mean.â
This is where, whenever I tell this story, I like to ask the listener to play a little game with me. The game is âWhere Would You Tap Out?â Iâd have already tapped out by going to the chemist and getting some Canestan.
âI didnât want any chemicals on my chap, so I decided to go for a home remedy. Internet said garlic was good for yeast infections, and Iâve got a lot of garlic, so I figured thatâd be all right.â
I made sympathetic noises. Home remedies for yeast infections are normal, and garlic is actually quite effective. âOh good,â I said.
âI wasnât sure how much to use, but I figured, I have a lot of garlic usually, so I minced a whole bulb.â
The dark energy wafting down the phone intensified.
âI packed it all over my, you know, knob, made a poultice. Packed it all over the head, like a hat. But, uh, I wasnât sure how to keep it on..â
I couldnât say anything. I didnât want to scare him off by sounding judgemental.
â..so I just duct taped it all on. Wrapped duct tape all round it.â
Still with us? Tapped out yet?
âSo er, that worked, kept it on nice and tight, and I left it on over night.â
Over night. All night with your cock mummified in garlic paste like some sort of fiendish chicken kiev.
âBut, uh, when I took it off the next morning, well⊠garlic isâŠâ
âCaustic,â I said, before I could stop myself. âGarlic is caustic.â
âYeah! Yeah, it is!â he said, sounding cheerful that I, too, understood the Way of Garlic. âSo I unwrapped my dick and, well, it looked kind of like⊠melted.â
I sat, silent, on the phone. Already Iâd missed 6 other calls, watching them sail by on the other line while this saga unfolded.Â
âSo I figured,â he continued, the terrible juggernaut barrelling unstoppably through this phallic disaster, âI should probably exfoliate it.â
âExfoliate,â I echoed weakly.
âYeah,â said this abject human disaster, misinterpreting my echolalic expression of horror as hearty encouragement. âSo I had a look around the kitchen -â he was in the kitchen for all this â- for anything I could use and got my brillo pad-â
For anyone not in the UK, thatâs what we call one of these:
I must have betrayed myself and given a gasp of horror at that point, because he quickly reassured me - âNo, no, no, itâs okay - it was a new one!â before going on to describe scrubbing the affected area to remove the alkaline chemical burn that heâd inflicted on his poor, blameless cock.
âSo you want to come in because of⊠this?â I said, assuming he would want a new dick by this point.
âOh no, no -â he said, jovial again. âNo, itâs all fine - it just, my knobâs gone all⊠well, it kind of looks camo print now. I was wondering if you could do anything about it looking camo print.â
No, sir. No, neither we nor anyone else can do anything about your camo print garlic cock mistake.
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