Hazel Here

Bitching about the process of losing weight and staying body positive.

[hazel-here-blog]

3.5 months

It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. I neglected writing in this blog as my mental health has been suffering over the festive season, as it always does. There were a number of stressors - looking for work, adjusting to a new way of eating and planning meals, trying to begin exercising, Christmas, preparing for a convention, and so on.

My eating has gone to shit, honestly. I’m in a place now where I can start getting back on track, I hope. I’ve been neglecting exercise as well. The gym has been intimidating and I haven’t been more than a couple of times since I signed up. I’m still losing weight and becoming more flexible. I noticed over the convention weekend that I wasn’t tiring as quickly and I could stand for longer periods of time.

I’ve hit a nice round number of 25kg lost since starting this whole process, which I suppose merits this post. While I have more energy when I’m motivated to do things, my mental health is about the same as before. I’m self-sabotaging my efforts to find work because I’m scared of the whole process; it’s been 6 years since I had a successful job interview. While my marks and degree say that I can do the job, I don’t feel qualified nor able to sell myself in cover letters/interviews.

I met someone who I really fell for at the convention, and the impossibility of anything serious coming from it is also getting me down. While it’s clear that I am finally opening myself up to the possibility of seeing someone, I feel like it would be easier to shut myself off from that. I’m trying not to be melancholy about this but it really does feel pretty crap.

[hazel-here-blog]

I've been kinda regretting not taking a proper 'before' photo now that transformation photos keep popping up on my Instagram. So I went to find something suitable to compare. On the left is a photo from May during a burlesque dress rehearsal. I would have been a few kilos off my highest weight then. (It's pretty telling about my state of mind that that was the most recent full body photo of myself I could find! I used to take loads of outfit shots.) On the right is a photo from Halloween, which is 4 weeks (minus a day) post op. Obviously taken from a slightly different angle, but I think there's a difference there. Life has been going on in post op week four... I have a number of things to get through for uni which I was feeling stuck on. I had a heart to heart with my mum about the way I need her to talk to me about food/exercise and I think it helped. She desperately wants to be helpful and I need to give her more guidance about how to do that. I've worn a couple of tops lately that I haven't been able to wear in a while. Putting off buying any new clothes though. I still have several pairs of pants that fit, and tops in a whole range of sizes that I can work my way through. I don't like many of them, but they'll do. I'm going to be joining the local gym/pool so that I can visit after uni, now that I'm allowed to start exercising. I'm a bit nervous as I've lost a lot of endurance since the operation, but I'm looking forward to regaining it. I already feel like I can move a bit easier. So, end of week 4 and about 17kg lost total - 5 on Optifast and 12 post op.

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Postop week 3

My overall mood has been better this week than last, for which I'm thankful. I still get tired quickly but I've been able to attend most of my uni classes this week. I've found some protein cordials which will be my go-to now instead of the whey protein isolate. There are milky ones also but they aren't sold at my local supermarket. I also found that too much milk (as in the smoothies) was upsetting my stomach. No solution to the multivitamin issue yet. I may just go straight into taking the Elevit tablets. (Due to start those when I finish the current gross chewables.) I've progressed onto stage 2 of my transition back to solid foods. I had shepherds pie for dinner which was, frankly, amazing. It's the first meat I've eaten in a month. I've been regularly cooking scrambled eggs and managed to eat baked beans also. That's been helping my protein intake. At the shops, I picked up some tinned tuna and salmon to try, and I'm also going to see how I go with bananas and kiwi fruit tomorrow. I can start to look into pasta and risotto this week too - exciting!! Real food! I'm still relying on yoghurt and coffees at uni as soup is off the menu for spring and the curries are too spicy for me for another few weeks. If I can cope with tinned fish, that gives me another option for snacks. This week, I need to organise to join a gym and get a program to start my weight lifting. I also need to call back DHS as I believe my early release of super may be finally coming through so that I can pay back my mum. That'll be a load off my mind. I'm weighing myself about once a week at the moment, trying not to become obsessive about numbers. As of yesterday I'm at 16kg lost since my initial appointment with my surgeon. (Maybe not my highest weight, as I had several weeks of panicky bingeing before I started optifast, but that doesn't make much difference!)

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Week 1-2

The week and a half since I got home from the hospital has been rocky. I’ve been really struggling to get in enough meals and particularly enough protein. The multivitamins I was given by the dietitian don’t agree with me and the others I was recommended have been discontinued. My headspace isn’t too great honestly.

I’ve moved on from custards and juice to mainly eating thicker soups, yogurt, icecream and milk. That’s more sugar and less protein than I really need to be eating. Some days I hit 60g but, particularly in the last couple of days, it’s been hard. I have some appetite but nothing is appetising. I tried eating a couple of slices of brie the other night and gave myself horrible diarrhoea, so I haven’t been feeling up to eating much. It was so bad that I was light-headed and almost hyperventilating. That wasn’t a fun experience at all.

The other thing that’s been bothering me is creeping thoughts about restricting what I’m eating. Though my disordered eating is mainly centred about binging, I have had small periods of restricting in the past. My mum tries to be supportive by being concerned about how much I’m eating (reminding me not to overeat - as if I can!) and by asking when I can start exercising, how much exercise I need to do, etc. It really fuels the negative thoughts in my head.

I’m trying to build a more positive relationship with food through this journey, and feeling like I’m being scrutinised for the slightest mistake is not helpful. The last thing I need is to end up with a more severe eating disorder at the other end. I need to make helpful lifestyle changes, not dive headfirst into massive commitments to exercise and healthy eating that I can’t keep up with.

I feel an incredible amount of pressure to succeed at this already, which I know I will rail against when I’m feeling disheartened, and it really sucks. Instead of asking me about my diet or what I ‘should’ be doing, I wish my mum would ask me how I’m feeling or how I’m coping.

My dad seems to have picked up that I don’t want to talk about food or exercise, and has been asking how I’m feeling instead. I appreciate it, even though I haven’t managed to open up to him yet.

I’ve been feeling really down for the past week as I’m feeling the pressure of uni assignments building and becoming very anxious about them. My anxiety is stopping me from getting started, a problem that is familiar to me now. The task seems insurmountable.

My goal for tomorrow will be to sit down with my assignment and my research, and break down exactly what I need to do. I need to finish this assignment and prepare for the test on Thursday, over the next four days. I know I can do it if I get started.

I think I’ve been letting these anxieties about food and uni build up over the last few days. Something needs to give so that I can start getting things done. Maybe I need to write a letter to my mum.

[hazel-here-blog]

Post-Op day 1-3

I've just come home after being discharged from hospital, and feeling much better. I wasn't much up to writing for the first couple of days, but today I'm a lot more alert. I don't think I could walk around the block, but I didn't need a wheelchair on the walk out of hospital. The day of my operation went smoothly. I woke at 5:30am to shower with chlorhexidine again. Mum and Dad took me to the hospital where we had an hour or so of waiting before I got gowned up. They left me at that point. I went to the bathroom, got wheeled into the holding bay, and waited for another 20 minutes or so. After that, I got wheeled into theatre and saw my anaesthetist. She made me laugh by exclaiming that it was "fucking freezing" in there. She wasn't wrong! Next thing I knew, I was in my room on the ward. My dad rang me that afternoon and said I sounded great but I don't remember that. I had fentanyl on demand to control my pain, plus anti-emetics. I was still pretty nauseous and sore but I slept for most of the next 24 hours. Mum and Dad visited me that evening but didn't stay long as I kept falling asleep. The second day I was still quite sleepy and nauseous. They removed my fentanyl partway through the day and put me on IV paracetamol. I was able to have a shower which was nice! Again I slept most of the day. Mum visited me for a short time but Dad stayed away as he got a cold. The night of the second day I had a lot of weird dreams and nightmares. I kept drifting in and out of these really detailed scenarios. I also woke a few times with nausea during the night, so I was still getting IV anti-emetics. During the day yesterday I was much more alert and only took one or two naps before night time. I was able to start on nourishing fluids (juices, broths etc). The most painful part then was the sensation of needing to burp but not being able to. I'm not a good burper usually, but the surgeon says this is a normal sensation that will pass in a week. The hardest part of this day was that I hadn't been able to take my antidepressants up until the afternoon of day 3. I wasn't allowed to take tablets except for somac (for reflux). I was feeling pretty miserable. It didn't help that the only watchable things on TV were horribly sad tele-movies! I got to take my Pristiq at 2pm yesterday and I'm feeling much better in my headspace. I got my drain out yesterday also - a weird feeling but not painful. Today is day 4 post-op and I'm home. I've had my first meal at home (iced coffee with protein and fibre) and multivitamin. Still haven't pooped. Hopefully with the fibre I'm starting, that will start to happen. It has been great to see my dog and get set up in my own environment again. We'll see if I end up needing paracetamol in a few hours or not - my last dose was around 8am and it's midday now. Just happy to be home frankly.

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T-minus ??? Hours

Sitting in the hospital waiting room now, waiting to be admitted for my surgery. I feel vaguely sick from not eating anything, and exhausted from only four hours sleep. I don't think I'll be back online at all today. My parents both came with me which is appreciated - mum has to nick off to golf though. Really nervous.

[hazel-here-blog]

VLCD Day 11-13

The last few days have been challenging in the sense that I’ve had several social occasions, and have had to deal with not taking part in those. This week will also be challenging. I have a major event from Fri-Sun next week, which will overlap with my few days of no solid food before my surgery.

I slipped up again last night and had fish and chips with my brother. I had considered what the anaesthetist told me about not having solid food for 2-3 days before the surgery (which was news to me). I also then had to tell my brother about the surgery itself. It was kinda stressful since he is very active and slim, and I’ve been worried about him judging my decision. But overall he wished me luck and wasn’t critical.

Otherwise, things have been fine. I finished my teaching prac and passed with a pretty good grade. I’m on my own at the moment while my parents are away. For my vegetable allowance I’ve just been eating raw veggies, since I can’t be bothered cooking.

I’m at around 4-4.5kg lost so far.

Today I’ve finished off a big project and earned some cash from a small art commission which is great.

9 days to go...

[hazel-here-blog]

VLCD Day 7-10?

Haven't been the best mentally over the last few days. I believe it's more related to stress from other events than the diet, but I don't have the release of food to turn to at the moment. I slipped up and had meat and chips for dinner. I'd been fantasising about it for days but it wasn't that satisfying when I actually ate it. It didn't really fit the shape of the hole I was trying to fill. My parents are away for the next 4 nights and I think I'm going to struggle with eating properly. Sticking to the Optifast will be okay but I'll need to watch my intake of vegetables. I've been having less food and Optifast than I strictly should. I'm over the headaches, still have a loud grumbly stomach but that is tolerable. I have to be careful now that my mindset doesn't change to "fuck it, I've screwed up already so I might as well give up". It's only 12 days until my surgery now, so I need to stay strong.

[hazel-here-blog]

VLCD Day 6

Uggghhhh. I tried the Optifast chocolate dessert today. I must have added too much water, because it didn’t want to thicken up. It was just like a lumpy soup with gooey chunks in it. I tried to put it in the freezer, but then it went icy.

I’ll have to stick to the shakes and bars, and give the dessert a go another day.

I had a psychologist appointment today, it wasn’t as shattering as past appointments have been. Instead of binging I went to the coffee shop and got a long black with a dash of skim milk - my go-to coffee now that I can’t drink flat whites. It was enough to fill me up and give me that coffee taste. Usually I get a cake/snack from the bakery too but I managed to avoid that.

Tonight I’ll be hanging out with my friends, so I’m planning to eat before I go out and take some diet cordial with me to avoid drinking.

I think the biggest thing I’m finding is that I do have to plan so much more on this meal replacement plan. I can’t just grab something from a cafe for lunch, for example.

That’s going to get a bit easier after the operation as I’ll be able to re-incorporate things like dairy, eggs and root vegetables into my diet. A lot of non-solid foods have those as a base, which I can’t eat while on Optifast.

All I honestly want today is a big thick steak! My sweet tooth is being exercised quite a lot with this diet, but I’m craving meat.

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VLCD Day 4-5

I slept for about 10 hours last night and seem to have gotten over the headaches of the last few days.

I did have a stressful afternoon of trying to sort out payments for my surgery and was somewhat concerned that I would have to delay it. Consequently I treated myself to a coffee and a slice of cake in Kings Park this afternoon. Not having lunch because I was on the phone probably contributed to the decision. I also knew I didn’t have any chocolate Optifast bars to snack on when I got home.

I’ve skipped a serve of Optifast and I will keep going, can’t give up now!

I’m not beating myself up too much over this since it’s the first time in 5 days that I’ve slipped up, and I’ve been temped a lot by the various morning teas and lunches provided at prac.

I stepped on the scales and seem to have lost around 2kg so far, mostly water weight I would assume. It’s a challenge to drink the 2L of water that’s required on top of the shakes etc.

Mum made me up a chicken soup sachet with vegetable stock for dinner and it... was not worth it. I’ll stick with raw veg, ratatouille and miso for my savoury hit.

I’m coming up to the weekend and I think this will be the most difficult time, since I won’t have work to keep my mind off food. But I’ll go shopping with Mum tomorrow for more bars and shakes, and maybe pick up some of the desserts. I’m also seeing my psychologist tomorrow - usually I binge afterwards so it’ll be another challenge to cope with breaking that habit.

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VLCD Day 2-3

Not much to report over the last two days. I’m still quite tired in the afternoons and have had a headache most of the time. It’s bearable but I had to have a lie down after I got home today. Obviously I’m also very hungry.

I’ve now tried the Optifast strawberry and caramel shakes, and much prefer the caramel. It seems to have less of the weird aftertaste (however, I did find it to be more lumpy than the others). It’s my favourite so far, but I’m yet to try vanilla or chocolate.

I’ve finished the box of assorted bars now, and I think I will only buy the chocolate ones from now on. I don’t like the ‘crispy’ texture of the others, they just feel grainy to me.

I had miso soup from the instant sachets for lunch and it really hit the spot. I’ve really been missing the savoury umami flavour.

My mum cooked this for dinner, which was by far the most flavourful meal she’s made so far. 

I’ve yet to try the Optifast soups but maybe that’ll be on the cards tomorrow for lunch time.

[hazel-here-blog]

Day 1 of VLCD

As suggested by a friend or two, I’ll be writing here about my experiences with losing weight to improve my health.

Today I started my Optifast plan, designed to help my body go into ketosis and shrink the size of my liver before my sleeve gastrectomy on the 4th of October.

So far I’ve tried the chocolate, berry and cappucino bars, and the coffee shake. The chocolate bar was fairly nice, but the others were really grainy. Once my variety pack of bars runs out I might stick with chocolate.

The coffee shake wasn’t lumpy, fortunately, since that’s one thing I can’t stand in drinks. I didn’t get it cold enough but otherwise it was bearable. It kinda tasted too sweet, so I might try adding a coffee shot next time to up the bitterness. And I have to remember to stick some ice cubes in the bottom of my shaker.

The period before lunch was the killer. We eat pretty late at school (I’m a prac teacher) and my tummy was definitely grumbling by the time we got there. My shake and celery sticks were enough to stave off the hunger pangs until two hours before dinner.

Mum was kind enough to make some kind of cauliflower rice stir fry thing which was peppery but filled the gap.

I’ve had a bit of a headache since late afternoon, but it’s almost time for bed so whatevs. Not too much brain fog yet. (Or maybe I’m just used to it.) Anyway, 1 day down, 20 to go.