"Sometimes Words Are Not Enough” @heart-shaped-balloon - Tumblr Blog

:/ the weird thing about trauma from a religious upbringing and abusive parenting is that there is no "before" to go back to. there is no finding a "second chance." there's no "person that you used to be" to strive for or fail at, no shiny happy memory of what life used to be like before you were buried.

there's just an endless twisting mire behind you. a story that won't quite sit right. a gray haze, and you. there are happy memories. hard, shiny parts that jut out from the morass at awkward angles, times when you almost felt like you were a person, for once. and there's you, picking your way out of the fog. awake for the first time, and still half-dreaming, feeling like a creature from another land, an ethereal thing ill at ease within the bright, loud, too-real Earth.

all these disjointed memories, half-forgotten and glimpsed sidelong, shaking in your hands. you want to put them down, but doing so means going into that buzzing shaking place without words where you used to not-exist. means vomiting yourself up in gouts and gouts of humiliating sludge. hurrying to catch up and try to build yourself a life in a world you never quite adjusted to, learning how to use tools foreign to your hands while all the time ignoring the whispers, the dream-world beckoning come back.

asoftepiloguemylove

DO I EXIST?

Jody Chan aubade for the BPD subreddit user who wrote can people with BPD love? // 鉄男 Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989) dir. Shinya Tsukamoto // The Mountain Goats Birth of Serpents // Dorothea Lasky Love Poems for Bathsheba // Zen Cho The Four Generations of Chang E // atlas a conversation about identity // Silent Hill 3 (2003) cr. Konami // Richard Siken You Are Jeff // unknown // Roe Gardner Requiem // Teki Yatsuda Sleeping on Paper Boats // Jane Mead World of Made and Unmade

things we hear

When you are drenched in religion to the point your whole life revolves around it, when it’s in the food you eat and the air you breathe, it determines who you love, you are a scholar, a wise teacher, in your reality. Life is a formula, you know how to calculate your behavior, you have elder, mentors, family to tell you what to say, how to think.

When you start to find the flaws in the formula, the hypocrisy of your elders, the pain in your family, you become a child again. You don’t know anything, and you realize this whole time, you have a been a child, eating cereal out teachers’ hands, not questioning where it came from or what it’ll do to you. Suddenly you must grow up and you are years behind your peers. The community that you loved and loved you now holds you at a distance, even though they promised to hold your hand when times are hard. To earn love back from those you held close you must cut off the growth required to live outside the fold. And even then the love you receive is poisoned.

You swear, you know how to love. You knew how to live. You used to be wise. Now nothing makes sense and you know you are ignorant. The answers you memorized, chanted, and thrived off of before are vipers that kill. It is foolish to use them now.

How do you find truth so solid you don’t have to change who you are to hold it? How do you live from it without losing reality? And how do you think for yourself and grow from it without feeding off it like a helpless child?

exmojoe

Is your love language really acts of service or were you raised with the sole purpose of being a caregiver for all of eternity??

disassociation-culture-is

DPDR culture is realizing you don't actually remember what it feels like to not be dissociating, and every time you try to think about it the dissociation gets worse.

multiplicity-positivity

Depersonalization and Derealization Resource List

As with our list of resources for questioning systems, we will update this as we find new information! Feel free to reach out if there’s any info you’d like us to add!

A note on these sources: many of these sources are articles written by individuals struggling with depersonalization-derealization disorder (DPDR). Not every source will be backed in research - many are firsthand accounts from those trying their best to cope with this illness. We feel that reading firsthand accounts and understanding how others are actively coping with DPDR can be an excellent way to find hope and learn to cope for yourself. Additionally, many of these articles are written by folks trying to sell something. It is possible to visit these sites and learn more about DPDR without actually signing up for a service or paying for something!

Cleveland Clinic’s How to Cope with Depersonalization

Tips for coping with depersonalisation and derealisation from Young Minds

Manhattan Mental Health Counseling’s How to Deal with Derealization?

How to Cope With Depersonalization Disorder and Take Control of Your Life by Kentucky Counseling Center

Derealization: Symptoms, Causes, & Treatments by Choosing Therapy

NAMI’s Derealization: The Symptom That Makes the World Feel Unreal

Depersonalization-derealization disorder by Augusta Health

Resources to Recover’s Depersonalization / Derealization Disorder: DO’s and DON’T’s

Depersonalization Disorder by Osmosis from Elsevier

The DP Manual Website (has lots of great info you can access without a purchase)

What Do the Terms “Depersonalization” and “Derealization” Mean? by FHE Health

Depersonalization and Derealization by Psychology Tools

The subreddit r/DPDR’s official resource guide

Our own infographic on Depersonalization vs. Derealization

We hope this list will help folks who are curious about DPDR or are struggling themselves with these symptoms. As always, please do your best to take care of yourself, and have a great day!

vhseverything

thepeacefulgarden

recoverr-deactivated20220605

hey friend. here, have some affirmations for tough times. because you will be okay, even if it feels impossible right now. є(•⌔•)э

past situations don’t define you. they have brought you here, but now it is up to you what to do with them and you have learnt more than you think.

everyone has a place in this world, so do you. no one has the right to shame your existence or dictate who you are, i promise.

it’s okay not to be feeling too good right now. you’re not ruining anything by being human and struggling just like everyone else.

it’s never your job to prove your worth to anyone, okay? i’m sorry that other people may not have been kind or respectful to you, but that’s never a reflection of you. ♡

maybe you don’t feel very loved, wanted or seen right now, but just remember your kindness, your existence & your smile have a much greater impact than you think.

if it’s hard to breathe right now or if you want to cry & you can’t, please be gentle to yourself. life is already tough at it is and you deserve your own friendship and love.

a last reminder: the kid you were would be very proud to know you’re here. maybe you don’t think so, maybe you do. but i think that kid would be surprised to know that they’ve come so far.

undying-doll

trying to talk about cult trauma is so frustrating.

I say "I was in a cult" and people think of basement rituals and human sacrifices not an unassuming church right down the road. not of blue chairs in rows and coffee tables and children's play areas. my cult looked so happy, so average. it's so easy to gloss over the pain that place inflicts on everyone who walks through those doors.

I feel like I can't call myself a cult survivor to most of the people who I know because they don't fucking understand. the word is too sensationalized.