spoilers ahead! this is the audio log of officer doug eiffel, onboard the uss hephaestus station, orbiting the red dwarf wolf 359 in the leo constellation. feel free to change pronouns and modify to your needs.
SUCCULENT RAT KILLING TAR.
“that’s fine, everyone makes mistakes, but if she could stop talking about my, ‘fragile, carbon-based, uncomfortably liquid body,’ it’d be a real breakthrough.”
“i’m still banned from the lab.“
“well, yeah, i guess that’s fair.”
“eat your heart out, you succulent rat killing tar.”
“y’know what, i think i need some coffee.”
“calling it coffee helps.”
“well, clearly this is an important matter that requires my immediate attention.”
“take me away, sweetheart.”
“one-thousand and… ugh, it’s the extra one that’s really annoying.”
“are we seriously blowing up now?”
“not explosion. something… less destructive. a hairdryer, perhaps.”
“i guess we have to break into his lab and make sure he doesn’t die.”
“sweet merciful tap dancing zombie chorus girls.”
“i should probably make sure [name] isn’t burning to death.”
“we can safely conclude that operation… freaky… deaky… space music is ongoing.”
“yep. super calm. totally uneventful day.”
“i have little to no idea what you’re talking about.”
“actually it seems like pre-meditated caution.”
“—basically i took the entire tube.”
“hostage is such an ugly word.”
“before anyone decides to get clever or heroic, you should know that i’m not above doing something stupid here, alright?”
“radio as entertainment seems to be making a comeback around here.”
“i still have the right to toothpaste.”
“just because i’m crackin’ up doesn’t mean i’m crackin’.”
“i’m here to discuss the terms of your surrender.”
“it’s more orange than red, really.”
“this little revolución is over.”
“i guess there’s nothing to gain by saying how sorry i am?”
DISCOMFORTS, PAINS AND IRREGULARITIES
“this is a day of darkness. low tide. —a half melted fudgsicle of despair.”
“he’s like a friggen shark sniffin’ for chum.”
“i was just trying to be helpful.”
“i like to think i tactically misrepresented the data available.”
“so you ‘tactically’ lied to me.”
“i was wondering what that thing taped to my door was.”
“you might, however, be surprised at what you can live through.”
“i guess your lies get bigger as you go higher up in the ranks.”
“i know we’ve had our ups and downs but i could kiss you right now.”
“i never used the flame thrower before, so this might be fun.”
“with napalm, you moron!”
“this has been a good day.”
CATARACTS AND HURRICANOES
“today, i am not unlike the gods.”
“sorry, i didn’t mean to enjoy the majesty.”
“okay okay, got it. class dismissed.”
“everything’s ‘gimme shelter’ out here.”
“a hundred feet? jesus christ.”
“i’m gonna drown? in outer space? what kinda sense does that even make!”
“i’ve had enough dramatic irony for one day, thank you.”
“i don’t exactly have breaks on this thing.”
“well, you’re still you. so.. eh?”
“he did have to resuscitate you so you may now qualify as ‘undead’.”
“hey, baby. did you miss me?”
“i have something for you.”
“i got this stupid skin rash that’s driving me nuts.”
“theoretical science first, practical medicine… more of a past time.”
“true science mustn’t be so severely hindered.”
“just answer the damn question.”
“don’t worry. you’re in extremely capable hands.”
“i may be in slightly more dire straits than i previously thought.”
“who knows what that maniac’s told them.”
“and then we’ll see how he likes it when someone’s messing around with his internal organs.”
“the fifth amendment says i don’t have to answer that.”
“no, [name], it’s not ‘four-ish’.”
“the only experiment here is the one you are conducting on my patience.”
“i have every intention of seeing this through to the end.”
“i always thought i’d die in a science fair. turns out, i wasn’t that far off.”
“just because i’m a scientist doesn’t mean i am mad ingenious super-villain.”
“i think there’s a lesson here, but it’s kinda lost in all the hallucinations. i’ll get back to it.”
(less than enthusiastic noise maker sound)
“and by party, i mean helping me procrastinate my work shift.”
“you’re way overthinking this. it’s just a taste thing, there’s no wrong answer.
“i don’t know what i want but i know how to get it.”
“are you upset? i didn’t know you got upset.”
“did i tell you about that time i thought he was trying to kill me? — any of those times?”
“things don’t ‘get’ to me.”
“score one for old school double-a’s.”
“has this place always been so overlook hotel-y?”
“— or that time you poisoned that liter of water trying to make whiskey.”
“why are you underneath that table?”
“i’m guessing it’s not one of those ‘gets better by itself’ situations.”
“basically we’re barreling toward certain death. that’s all you gotta say. ‘barreling toward certain death’.”
“oh, it’s spooktastic in here, baby.”
“okay, i swear to god somebody’s talking to me.”
“whooaa, what just happened? did… did everything just kind of blink around for a second there?”
“god, they’re still at it.”
“in the meantime, that means we gotta make our own fun.”
“on friday we’ll have mustard. umm… that’s all it says for friday. im not sure what that means.”
“[name] does pigheaded obstinacy like it’s an olympic sport.”
“i think we might have a situation on our hands.”
“sit your swiss ass down and pick a side.”
“you’re both utterly useless.”
“oh, stop. do you know how condescending that is?”
“you can’t hold that against me. you were practically wire tapping.”
“why am i not surprised.”
“oh, right, like i actually care enough about what you do to try and sabotage you.”
“that’s exactly what i was afraid you would say.”
“our rating on the peril-o-meter just went from ‘spidey-sense is tingling’ to ‘bat signal in the sky’.”
“and, just in case it wasn’t already obvious, i am absolutely terrified of both of you.”
“the fact that i’m trying to get the two of you to do the responsible thing is scary enough.”
“she’s just taking out her insecurities on you.”
“just say what you really think!”
“you stay here. i’ll deal with you later.”
“it’s either not smoking OR sylvia plath’s ‘lady lazarus,’ not both of them together.”
“already i don’t like where this is going.”
“that, however, will be a clever lie.”
“you can’t solve all your problems by knocking people out.”
“i never really paid attention to this room before.”
“only. um. none of them have eyes.”
“holy crap! you guys—there’s a canon in here! why is there a canon in here?!”
“why would anyone want that many l-shaped blocks? l-blocks are useless.”
“this is some raiders of the lost ark level stuff here.”
“no. it is not cool. it’s diametrically opposed to cool.”
“you don’t understand. there is SINGING.”
“i’m not sure if it was a warning shot or if she just missed.”
“i’m always multitasking.”
“i’ll see you on the other side.”
“in lieu of super human strength, i went to get a crow bar.”
“once again, our quarterly talent shows have taken something away from me.”
“can we really be ready for anything?”
“riders on the storm, man. riders on the storm.”
“whatever happened to those weekly calls from mom and dad?”
“we’d be looking at- i dunno- random strings of ampersands and sevens .”
“what the hell are we supposed to do with this?”
“what happens when we run out of numbers?”
“we should be… pretty safe? based on our limited perception of safety.”
“you had to say something you had to open your mouth.”
“okay. officially, now. what the hell.”
“’mathematically unlikely’? that’s the best we can do right now?”
“there are a lot of ‘could’s in that explanation.”
“i like the sound of my voice a lot better than the sounds of what’s going on out there.”
“well, following that, this is gonna sound a lot less sexy.”
“it’s cruel! and sick! and… other adjectives!”
“i think we need a proper nights sleep to really let our anger reach its full potential.”
“i’m gonna be a little less npr and a little more national geographic.”
“— or, it’s scientific name, ‘stick-iss up the ass-us’.”
“you say that like it’s supposed to mean somethin’ to me.”
“is that ‘yes, i did it’ or ‘yes, i have no idea what you’re talking about but i don’t want to get in trouble’?”
“so. um. yay? i’m s- i’m really not sure what’s happening here.”
“i have an alternative theory, but i don’t think you’ll like it.”
“where did the spider go?”
”it’s an EXTREME. DANGER. BUG.”
“what if we just shoot it off?:
“how is this gonna work again?”
“if i die, [ name ] gets all my toys.”
“i also brought a gun. just in case.”
“if the two of you’ll excuse me, i’m gonna faint.”
“i’m gonna go— not sleep. no sleep. never again sleep.”
“why are we so afraid of being alone?”
“we make big bomb. now everybody is afraid of us.”
“nothing in the dark that isn’t there in the light, yes?
“there must be monsters underneath someone’s bed.
“open only when you are alone.
“is anyone laughing now?”
“can you hear me? hello?”
“you’ve used the word ‘basically’ thirteen times in the last five minutes.”
“i’ve never been great at proverbs.”
“it wouldn’t be hard, either.”
“i doubt it, but you never know. i can be full of surprises.”
“do you ever feel like you are ot where you are supposed to be?”
“yes. in fact, can we like… underline that yes? and bold it? and put like a bunch of stars and arrows and a drawing of a scary plant monster next to it?”
“spice things up a little. give it that hal 9000 touch.”
“god, honestly, it’s like he’s nine years old.”
“i’m not sure which possibility i find more disquieting.”
“i’m fine. really. don’t worry about me. and don’t make that face.”
“i’m using the last of the real turkey for this.”
“there’s other things happening aside from sanatized pagan rituals.”
“anyway. as i was saying. impenitrable darkness.”
“it’s okay. don’t cry for me argentina.”
“not now. taking a personal insanity moment, ask again later.”
“you’re still not listening to me.”
“consider it my present.”
“we have an honest to god situation on our hands.”
“turns out i might be really good at my job. hold your applause.”
“after that went so well last time? pass.”
“this ones got a bit of a kick in it.”
“holy crap. they were right. they knew.”
“what the hell are you doing?”
“enjoy your last half hour of oxygen.”
“score one for crazy, dangerous plans.”
“you’re smarter and stronger and better than that bastard’s ever given you credit for.”
“step six, don’t die in any of the above.”
“who is this? who am i talking to?”
“you’re so eager to seem smart, you don’t always do smart.”
“are you trying to get us all killed?”
“why yes, mr. pot, mr. kettle is looking a little black today.”
“cutting it a little close. i was starting to think you forgot about me.”
“hope you like life as a popsicle!”
“just remember. you made me do this.”
“don’t bother. it’s not her.”
“do you have anything to say for yourself?”
“he wasn’t lying. not about that, at least.”
“i’m not sure of anything right now.”
“there’s something bigger going on here.”
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