Heckle The DM

Five college buds who picked up DnD while procrastinating their work, and now we spend more time fighting the DM than monsters.

[fortethebard]

When your players try to seduce every character they meet

[brewerssupplies]

Start a business selling faulty rpg items. Such as brass knuckles that do 1d6 lightning damage but due to conduction you also take damage.

[one-true-houselight]

A flail made from aloe leaves so it healed as it dealt damage.

[brewerssupplies]

A ring of frostbite. Over time your hand slowly gets more and more frostbitten.

[highlyquestionablerpgideas]

An enchanted scythe. Once in battle, it becomes painfully obvious the “enchantment” was Minor Illusion. It’s actually made of cardboard.

[brewerssupplies]

An axe that doesn’t do damage but makes enemies smell nice.

[probablybarpgideas-blog]

A bow that only shoots where you’re aiming if you’re blackout drunk.

[mooretimetoplay]

A sword that does untyped area of effect damage. With d12s. Many of them.

[brewerssupplies]

A sword that is actually just a really big butter knife.

[mooretimetoplay]

A crossbow that when not in use becomes a large raven to fly around on its own. It has its own, very specific ideas as to when and where it is in use.

[brewerssupplies]

A Staff of Goodwill that rather than making peace with others just gives you bargain bin items.

[numeneragoth]

a shuriken that is actually a fidget spinner

[probablyhumanrpgideas]

A human made sword that is just a small sharp person

[probablydoppelgangerrpgideas]

A weapon that is actually secretly a doppelganger

[probablywriterrpgideas]

A tome you can only read if you drop ink in your eyes

[probablymetarpgideas]

A magic scabbard with a sword, when the sword is drawn, another scabbard is underneath

[probablyquestionablerpgideas]

A potion of Heeling. It only repairs damage done to your heels.

[probablydidrpgideas]

An item that boasts giving you the strength of 10 men, but instead just gives you DID so you have 9 people in your head alongside you. They never stop talking.

[brewerssupplies]

An item sold as speaker but is actually a box that screams for no apparent reason.

[thefiremind]

Vanishing spell ink, you write your spells down and they vanish permanently an hour later

[brewerssupplies]

A quill that behaves as if it were the animal it came from.

[thefiremind]

+1 weapon, it’s a bogo whatever weapon you buy so that if your players buy a +1 rapier in character then they get 2 rapiers for the price of one

[brewerssupplies]

A sword that’s half off. You only get the blade.

[yuureis-truly-deactivated202110]

A potion of darkvision that make everything look dark

[brewerssupplies]

A mask of many faces but only lets you look like your own face.

[probablygobletrpgideas]

A goblet the entirely drains if you pour too much liquid into it

[brewerssupplies]

An orb of future sight but only sees a single nanosecond into the future.

[atalana]

Our DM’s Guide to D&D Classes

[fleetwoodmoth]

@mysticdragon867 @jorgancrath @tagyourjakku

[elliegoose]

when a bard uses vicious mockery what they say comes out sounding incomprehensibly bass boosted and that’s how it causes physical damage

[andisupreme]

Bard:

[c3rvida3]

One of my players made me a dice necklace out of the dice he’s been using for months, as a thank you for putting up with him all these years, and I don’t have the heart to remind him that those were dice I loaned him that I kind of wanted back.

[c3rvida3]

On one hand, it’s pretty cool, but on the other hand, *Borat voice* My Dice.

[c3rvida3]

Everyone’s like, “Oh, they’re just cheap Chessex dice, dude. Calm down,” but you don’t understand. I have to buy like three fucking sets of dice a month because these little shitheads keep losing theirs and no way in hell am I trusting them with my Good Dice. I have a fanny pack full of dice that I wear to sessions because these fools suck so bad. I honestly think they’re eating them. I think they’re skipping them across lakes. I think they’re fucking tossing them at windows in the pouring rain to get their unrequited lover’s attention. I give these motherfuckers so many of my dice that they could hike the Appalachian Trail and leave dice behind like breadcrumbs. They probably pour buckets of my fucking dice under their tires like kitty litter to gain traction when they’re stuck in the snow. And I know they aren’t just keeping them because they’ll literally lose them mid-session. Like there’s a black hole under the coffee table. It’s an X-File at this point. It’s beyond an X-File. My dice are probably in The Black Lodge. My dice are in The goddamn Upside Down. They’re in The Uknown. They’re in the Additional Paranormal Pop Culture Reference, y'all.

Anyways, thanks for the necklace, Deac.

[ceo-of-catgirls]

Things That Strike Fear Into the Hearts of D&D Players

- When you’re travelling and the DM asks what your passive perception is, then starts looking at charts

- “Make a wisdom save.” “What for?” “You’ll see.”

- When the rest of the party agrees to a plan that the DM has heavily implied will end poorly

- When the DM winces after rolling damage

- When the DM says “You feel compelled to…” and you realize you failed that wisdom save earlier

- “Next session is going to be a lot of fun.”

- “I’m not quite sure if I balanced this fight properly, but we’ll see how it goes.”

- “Are you sure you wish to proceed?”

[splendidland]

list of new RPG classes:

porn druid

thunder chunker

my wife

wickerman

night hulk

barnyard shitterz

Sword Fuck

sewer slurper

[scribefindegil]

an official d&d sourcebook: Dragons like to draw stars around their own names to show how important they are

[scribefindegil]

“Important ideas are emphasized in spoken Draconic by stressing the beginning and end of the word. In the written form, important words are marked with a special symbol of six lines radiating outward, similar to an asterisk  *. This device is most often used by dragons when referring to themselves.”

[battlecrazed-axe-mage]

I aspire to this level of Extra

[basalt-dnd]

It seemed like a good idea at 4am. Anyways, here’s a quick fantasy insult table for when you don’t have a witty line prepared. The ‘Son of a” tables are based off of Shakespearean insults.

Tag your weird combos? I have no clue what else to use this for.

[warlock-enthusiast]

@tieflingbi

[irhinoceri]

[femonologue]

[writerofblocks]

Quick question, what the fuck did I just watch

[arishokarcana]

Level 29 chaotic neutral bard

[hecklethedm]

i like the implication that this guy has exceeded the dnd level cap by 9 whole levels

[dr-archeville]

D&D Player Mods Hundreds Of Monsters Into Playable Characters

Your bread-and-butter Dungeons & Dragons party won’t include a manticore, a gargoyle, a hyena or a sentient fungi, but maybe it should. One D&D player spent a year and a half converting every single creature in the D&D Monster Manual into playable characters, and now players can live out their dreams of being a great fire beetle who slays dragons.

Your bread-and-butter Dungeons & Dragons party won’t include a manticore, a gargoyle, a hyena or a sentient fungi, but maybe it should.  One D&D player spent a year and a half converting every single creature in the D&D [5E] Monster Manual into playable characters, and now players can live out their dreams of being a great fire beetle who slays dragons.

There are hundreds of monsters in D&D’s Monster Manual, many of which don’t really lend themselves to the Lord of the Rings-esque adventures that traditionally star humanoids.  Most dungeon masters won’t let players stray too far from that model.  It’s hard to wrap a plot around a rag-tag team of dire bats and oozes, and it’s hard to make sure a party’s stats are balanced when it contains both a faerie dragon and a mastiff.

Creator Tyler Kamstra’s new 283-page homebrew mod “Monstrous Races” offers ways for players to embody any of D&D’s monsters using stats, role-playing notes and everything else you’d expect to see listed next to the “Human” race in the D&D Player’s Handbook.  To play a basilisk, for example, players can attempt to petrify a creature with their gaze as an action.  This is helpful, since basilisks don’t have hands, rendering them incapable of holding a sword.  To play a banshee, or an undead spirit of a female elf, Kamstra recommends that players covet beautiful objects and remain within five miles of anywhere the banshee lived while alive.

This “Monstrous Races” mod is the sort of wonderful thing that, back in D&D days of yore, would exist as a titanic document in some far-flung basement, only to be enjoyed by a handful of players.  We can at least thank the internet for giving us playable purple worms.

Oooh

[ayamccabre]

Ember look!!!!! You can play a sexy fungus now!

[pansexualkiba]

the real four dnd archetypes

1) beautifully constructed, thoughtfully named, you’ve had this character for five years, and it is only now that you have a medium to express them through. twenty pages of backstory and lore, you probably lovingly crafted a costume or a token to fully bring them to life.

2) it’s you, but you’re now a warlock or a paladin or some shit.

3) Its Joke (ex. Boo Boo the Chaotic Good Barbarian, Dio Brando but as a dryad, etc.)

4) Real Ass People (ex. Hatsune Miku, Barack Obama, Hulk Hogan, etc.)

[scope-dogg]

hatsune miku real

[iguanaparrots]

1) Magnus Burnsides

2) Merle Highchurch

3) Taako Taaco

4) Tom Bodett

[synthetic-ultramarine]

I have a missed call from an unfamiliar phone number with a new jersey area code, and the caller I.D. says it’s from “Scam Likely.” You had better believe a guy with a New Jersey accent named Scam Likely is going to appear as an NPC in the next D&D session I run. 

[apatheticskeleton]

[dweeg]

dungeons and dragons always has great stuff. there’s a jug that you can use to create 2 gallons of mayonnaise at will, like it’s actually written in the dungeon masters guide can you believe that

[hobbitsetal]

things my party and i have received in the course of our campaign:

a rock of gravity detection. you hold it out and release it. if it falls, gravity is working.

a wand of magic missiles…and polymorph. i can hit anything i shoot at, but i’ll also turn into a random creature. i’ve been an alligator, an octopus, and a tiny demon so far.

a cloak of tongues. sounds like you’d learn random languages, yeah? NOPE, THINK AGAIN SUCKER. you get to taste anything for like 30 yards around. our halfling informed us we all taste gross.

2 different rings of invisibility–one makes me invisible, but only to myself. the other makes me marginally stealthier, but also makes me absolutely convinced that i’m completely invisible.

the thespian mask of duality. two personalities become mortal enemies within the wearer. the effect is permanent.

and finally, the shield of protection. when you use it in combat, it will use your body to shield itself from harm.

[dweeg]

God these are good

[thegreatdot]

Last night I had a dream where I was in an adventuring party and our bard used a wheelchair and this witch was trying to get us to come into her evil death arena but there were these skinny and steep stairs in order to get there and we were like “how do you expect us to get there when not all of us can use the stairs?”

And we just hear her yell “Igor! How dare you not activate the accessibility spell? We’re evil, not assholes!”