Helpless Sunflower

Vent blog - LV 22 - Actually Disabled - Nonbinary/Transgender (They/Them)

[helpless-sunflower]

I’d like to make my statement clear here:

I can’t fully speak for the others, but I can speak for myself. I do not have anything against people getting help. If people have experiences where they think they are experiencing plurality, I want them to be able to get help and talk to professionals. But my biggest thing is I want people to be okay with being wrong. Not everyone who experiences these symptoms has DID, and I want them to get the help they need to figure out what’s going on.

I have absolutely nothing against fictives, *I* have fictives in my system. There is nothing wrong with having fictives, and that was not my take on the situation.

This is not a bait account. I haven’t changed the icon because I haven’t found an image I like just yet. This is a vent account where I am trying to express the way things feel to me. It is not meant for the alters specifically.

I realize what he said was extremely harmful. I don’t know where he is coming from with this take.

I am diagnosed with DID. I have experienced symptoms since I was around 9 or 10. I am not saying that it does not develop in childhood. My main point I was intending to make is that most people don’t know about their alters until later. In my experience, I have difficulty with haziness, where I’m not sure what is fully happening.

I am not intentionally invalidating people’s trauma. I am not going to get into my trauma. That is personal.

I don’t appreciate when others try to use the other disorders card against me. I have other disorders than DID. I am Autistic, I have ADHD, I have two eating disorder, etc. It is not that I am not neurodivergent. It’s just that not every rectangle is a square. You can have any number of mental illnesses and not have DID as well.

I’m very sorry for the actions of the others, and I will take down that post if that is what would make people happy. I am not looking to have everyone’s approval, I do not have a support system of my own. All I have is my medical research and my own experiences.

[helpless-sunflower]

I’m so sick and tired of this bs over and over again where my partner doesn’t actually change anything that they’re doing. They barely pay attention to me, they haven’t even texted me *once* today. They make no effort to spend time with me, but make time for their friends. So yeah, I’m jealous of the attention they’re choosing not to give me.

[helpless-sunflower]

Having a fight with your partner and they don’t say they love you the next day so your brain convinces you they don’t love you anymore

[helpless-sunflower]

Sad… feel small and alone… unwanted and unloved… not safe enough to tell them what I need and want, too scared to call them the name I feel like I should. I miss him, he made it so easy, even when he had to stop because he was too busy for me. I can’t replace him, there’s no point because they’re not the same as him. He’s special and he’ll always be special. I want them to be special too, I’m scared to be vulnerable like that again. I hope they can see me so well, I hope they can love me that way, I don’t want to feel worthless. I don’t know anymore right now, I don’t know…

[helpless-sunflower]

No one to help no one to save I rot rotting rotting rotting rotting alone alone alone alone alone

[helpless-sunflower]

I want to die I want to kill myself I need this to stop

[helpless-sunflower]

Forgot to ever use this account for two months but life is still bad and I still need to say stupid shit

[helpless-sunflower]

Being a system is switching out during personal time with my partner and having to hear about how your alter handled waking up to that afterwards and apologized several times by saying “my bad Dawg”.

[helpless-sunflower]

I just want them to love me, I want to be their third, so badly. I want to be their partner, I want them to want me. I already confessed to them, and they said they appreciated it and wanted to be friends, but they don’t make an effort to be my friends. I make so much of an effort but I don’t know how to get close to them, I want them so badly it hurts. I want them to love me..

[helpless-sunflower]

i feel like I can’t unfollow someone who made genuinely harmful false claims about me because we used to date and I’m so scared they’re going to spread the lies and I’ll lose everything again

[blinky-of-an-eye]

✒️Aughhh, okay, I’m literally so so so excited to share this with you all!! Bones has been helping me make a group shot of our little subsystem, and I’m absolutely delighted to tell you it’s finally done!! They did such a great job helping me, and I’m going to cry-🖋

[unhappy-house-of-horrors]

I’m honestly so happy with how this all turned out-

[helpless-sunflower]

I guess a full mental breakdown was imminent, huh?

I’ve been real quiet out here, sorry for that, I’m just… not doing well at all. And I don’t know what else to do.

I feel like I’m falling apart and everything in my head is wrong and it’s too full and never quiet because no one can agree or keep us healthy and safe, we’re not safe and I’m miserable.

[helpless-sunflower]

How fucking clueless do you have to be to try and talk about politics that aren’t going on in your country that don’t affect you while you’re a fucking minor? I’m sorry that you’re anti-abortion and anti-lgbtq, but please fuck off. You can have an opinion, but don’t expect everyone to baby your sorry ass about it. You’re not from the U.S., you don’t get what it’s like right now with this bullshit.

[helpless-sunflower]

why are blog things so complicated,,?

[helpless-sunflower]

I haven’t been on here in so long-

Hi! Things are certainly… going, I’ll say that.

Good news is I recently changed jobs! So far only I have worked, and I love it so much more than the previous job we had.

I’m also on track to get a service dog like I’ve been trying to for over six years, butttt… it costs $19,000. And I’ve already been scammed out of $2,000 by trying to take donations and having someone steal from my account.

So, like, notttt the best times-

[helpless-sunflower]

if you wanted me dead, just say it to my face

[helpless-sunflower]

I can’t make friends and no one will stay. I can’t let go of toxic people because I’m desperate to keep people who once treated me well. I struggle socially and will always struggle socially. Everyone else can like each other so easily and do everything so easily. It’s not fair. It’s never been fucking fair and it will never be fair. Why do people have to ignore me and treat me like I’m nothing? I’m a person with feelings and I’m unloved and unwanted by almost all.

. . .

I am Autistic. Is that why no one wants me? Because I don’t reach the right normal?