Help This Blackbird @helpthisblackbird - Tumblr Blog

I haven’t used this blog in a few days short of 5 years

I just read back some of my posts. I had forgotten just how suicidal I once was. I also can’t believe what rude things I wrote about vegetarians. I’m now a full vegan. A lot has changed in five years. I want to delete the old posts but at the same time, that person is not me any more, so I am not ashamed. I have grown. Thank goodness.

Shall we try and make this a diary again?

#diary #5 years #depression #veganism #vegetarianism #suicide #personal

m-orgue-deactivated20120128

Message To Someone Who, With Any Glimmer Of Hope, Thinks Of Me As A Friend

This took a while to write i'm talking really a long time, and I'm too sleepy to proof read this, but, pretty please read it? All I'll say is. I really like you. I don't have to spend any time out of my life writing this if I didn't want to so please believe me? I don't know how to get close to you, or even if you want me to, I'm not sure that we click massively, but I really do like you. Please don't say people don't like you when you're not letting them in. I don't know how from my side but please if you let me in I would really like to talk. I'm not a patronizing person I'm very blunt so I won't tell lies. I do believe you have real problems I'm not doubting that, just like so many of the rest of us do. There's a hundred things I want to say. But I would like to say one of them.

I agree. Life is pointless. It's one of the reasons I found and still find it so hard to get completely well again. But I just can't help but feel this is my one chance to use this pointless bit of life. It's pointless but it's mine. If it's pointless it shouldn't matter if you succeed or not, so it's worth giving it your best of shots because even if you lose everything it's pointless. If you succeed then you can live in pointless happiness. But you won't have the luxury of being able to be pointless again if you die. My degree is pointless for example. Nothing has a point and society sucks. That's still not a good enough reason to die, I am sorry. I have wanted to die many times and have quite literally had to pull myself back off window ledges and pull blades away from my body, I don't know how but somehow it happened. Sometimes through bad reactions to medication too. Back to the point. I think a reason that some people, including I think you, get depressed is because we are really aware people... who are conscious of what most people seem to somehow block out - that the world is pointless and the world is often pretty shit. I don't get how people do it but they just don't seem aware. It's like you have a skill that's so advanced it's backfiring. I guess we just have to find a way of reigning it back in a bit.

I don't really have a point to all this FFS. Whoever that person was who called you a bitch... what the fuck. You're not a bitch in my opinion by any standard. I do however, think on some occasions you can be attention-seeking. I told you I was blunt. The issue is that phrase "attention-seeking" has such bad connotations. It's not always an entirely bad thing. In your case, no matter what you may think, it means you haven't completely let go just yet. Perhaps nearly, but not entirely. You are attention-seeking and it means you want help. There is nothing wrong with wanting attention all humans want attention. I get catty when I don't get attention. And right now I'm really trying to give you attention but don't know how and crave your attention back so please please please I hope you read this even if it makes you hate me or whatever.

You know I was horrendously late meeting you? It was because of my shit, I'm sorry. I really am sorry I felt dreadful. I didn't express that I was sorry much because I didn't really want to think about it, because if I did it would mean thinking about everything that happened even for a second and that would probably have made me cry. My medication and condition has left me with a bit of a sleep disorder where a tiny thing can make me exhausted and so I fell asleep mid-getting dressed to meet you. It didn't help that the night before I had been up all night trying to cope with that overwhelming overflowing tidal wave of confused, depressing, negative ideas you sometimes get and fight suicidal thoughts. I did know that I was seeing you the next day and I was excited. It was a bad night and didn't help my sleep-thing the next day. So I was pretty much half asleep all the time I was with out. That's the truth of the matter. It's embarrassing and silly but that's what happened. I'm so sorry please forgive me.

You don't HAVE to gain anything from being alive but you certainly can if you try. I don't know what to say. My only problem is one thing basically. And it's probably not going to make you happy, but I hope you can be sympathetic and understand why I am asking. Okay so. I've been longing to ask. Please could you tell me exactly what it is that is wrong and making you feel this way? What is going on? You've never said or if you have I'm so sorry but I missed it. Parents, school, people, home, location, yourself, or something worse? I feel there has to be more than this to a girl sitting at her computer all sad. That can't be it. Either there is a cause you know of... or if you don't then a chemical one. Please could you tell me? I'm not going to tell anyone anyone anyone at all and I'm not directly in your life anyway so if you tell me and don't like my reaction you don't ever have to speak to me again. I'm very easy to cut out of your life. Even if it will make no difference, is there any chance you could tell me?

Please don't hate me, I love you babe and seriously I would not be here (at least mentally) without all of you lot even the small contributions so please, I really care and just I don't know how to end this. X

#depression #suicide #message

melliflu0us

dead-sunshine-deactivated201203

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sendmyregardstoindiana-deactiva

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ALMOST CHRISTMAS TIME!!!

fragmentallygirl-deactivated202

yay!

#merry christmsa #nightmare before christmas

color-blind

Christmas Drama

So, as usual christmas is shit. Actual tripe on a stick. The basics of it. My mother runs a bed and breakfast and lets people who run another bed and breakfast give her business, in the form of guests they overbooked, without paying her. Mum continued to do this even though we told her not to because the amount of money they owe her is getting quite substantial and it's looking like they are about to go bust. Just now mum insists on marching over to their house and demanding the money. On Christmas day. Me and dad tell her this is inexcusably and excessively rude. After an argument she says she will phone them instead. This is just as bad and we tell her. You just can't do that on Christmas day, say these people are about to go out of business, Christmas Day will be their one break. Wait at the very least until the day after! Besides it's mum's fault for being stupid enough to let the debt grow. She started dialing so I wrestled the phone off her. She says that we "constantly tell her what to do". I don't even live here. I tell her things she does are wrong very often because they are and she seems to have no concept, but I never tell her what to do past that. Anyway in a total huff she goes to get another phone, so I hide the phonebook in the garage. Mum totally flips out when she realizes what I've done and says she's going on strike and not cooking Christmas dinner. She's refusing to look either of us in the eye and won't give us any help with it, even telling us how long we should put the meat in. We've told her repeatedly we don't mind helping with Christmas dinner, I would actually love to it would be great fun, but as usual, mum is a cow and said no, and now she won't help us at all which is bad because we don't know the size of the meat or anything. Dad really fucks me off sometimes because he just is a total doormat and nearly let her do it. I would rather have no christmas dinner than she phoned those people. In the future when people think of me, they're going to think of her and I don't want them to think of a total scrooge who comes around trying to squeeze money out of you when your broke on Christmas day. It's so wrong.

My family is fucked up and Christmas is just special.

#Christmas #debt #money #dinner #mother #insane #scrooge