ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED COMEDIC RELIEF
ASSORTED QUOTES FROM TUMBLR TEXTPOSTS, X (formerly known as twitter) POSTS, TIKTOK, MEMES, AND OTHER SOURCES AROUND THE INTERNET
CHANGE gendered words and in-universe phrases as needed.
SPECIFY muse for multimuses.
“ Currently considering becoming a bother and a nuisance, maybe even a menace or a rascal. ”
“ Hungry? Eat the government. ”
“ Yes, I wanna fuck after every argument. ”
“ Silence, you uneducated peanut! ”
“ They should invent a being alive that isn’t so difficult. ”
“ Women have to think I’m hot or none of this matters. ”
“ Due to personal reasons I will be named an enemy of the state. ”
“ Being overdressed is a myth made up by people who didn’t want you to have fun and be sexy. ”
“ What even are daddy issues? Just traumatize your father back. ”
“ I LOVE complaining! You can’t take that away from me! ”
“ I went to the silly goose convention and they all knew you. ”
“ I’m simultaneously ‘I’m tired of this grandpa’ and ‘that’s too damn bad!’ ”
“ The word ew coming out of a pretty girl’s mouth holds so much power … I think that it can tear apart nations. ”
“ Someone made fun of my shoes and the whole time I just thought of ways to push them out the window. ”
“ If you’re short, simply get taller. ”
“ I better think twice? Buddy I don’t even think once. ”
“ My off putting looks, awkward demeanor, and strange behavior have captivated you. ”
“ There’s something deeply, fundamentally wrong with you. Can we kiss? ”
“ You are a fool. When you walk, clown music plays. ”
“ I mean yeah he’s evil and all but what if I were his favorite? ”
“ I really do hate thinking. ”
“ In my defense, I simply do not vibe with the law. ”
“ I’ve done nothing wrong. Except all the atrocities. Besides that, I’m innocent. ”
“ Sorry I couldn’t hear you over my internal monologue. ”
“ Of course you have white hair and trauma. ”
“ So apparently the bad vibes I’ve been feeling are actually ‘severe psychological distress’. ”
“ Stop calling me a bad person just because I’m orchestrating your downfall! ”
“ The more lip gloss I collect the longer I live. ”
“ Sorry that I am obsessed with you in the unhealthiest way possible. As if it's my fault ”
“ The multiple failed assassination attempts against me have helped build both character and self esteem. ”
“ I could be your loser boyfriend. Do you ever think about that? ”
“ Accidentally went and got myself killed yesterday, but god wont let me die so I’m back ”
“ What do you mean napping isn't a good coping mechanism? What do you mean my problems are still here? ”
“ Academic validation is required for my sanity. ”
“ RIP to everyone killed by the gods for hubris but I’m different and better. Maybe even better than the gods. ”
“ Researching the stages of grief to see if I can get them finished in ten minutes tops. ”
“ My parents were like I’m gonna make a child that is so beyond help. ”
“ It’s not easy to admit when you’re wrong, and that’s why I won’t do it. ”
“ Why can’t this family ever have a funky good time? ”
“ How do I show people that I’m more than my unethical career choice? ”
“ I fucked my way into this mess, and I’ll fuck my way out. ”
“ You look so biteable today. ”
“ Why am I suffering? I have so many correct opinions and takes. ”
“ I AM HAUNTED BY A PAST THAT I CANNOT GO BACK TO! anyways ”
“ Challenging authority, angering gods. The family business. ”
“ Third base is me telling you about my father. ”
“ Hey girl. Plagued by terrifying visions? ”
“ Got caught giving a fuck. Embarrassing. ”
“ I didn’t ‘miss’ the red flags; I saw them and thought that they looked sexy. ”
“ Do my dark circles and deteriorating health make me look hot? ”
“ I get my news from the only reliable source, cryptic symbolism in my dreams. ”
“ Another day of being a bisexual disaster. ”
“ I’m going to let myself be a little unhinged today, as a treat. ”
“ Some of you act like murder is such a big deal. ”
“ You wanna hunt me for sport so bad that it makes you look stupid. ”
“ You’re not a girlboss unless you’ve killed someone. ”
“ It’s so weird how no one ever has correct opinions about things except for me. ”
“ Hello, my love — I mean, my rival ”
“ No one is calling me baby and it’s outrageous I can’t believe it. ”
“ No talking stage. Mutual obsession and you see god in my eyes or nothing. ”
“ I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOOKUP CULTURE DIE IN MY ARMS ”
“ Yes baby your emotional walls are high and impenetrable can we kiss now? ”
“ Affection is disgusting. Drown me in it. ”
“ I am gatekeeping my respect from you. ”
“ Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions. ”
“ I am equal parts fuck around and find out and please don’t yell at me I’ll cry. ”
“ Short legs, big butt. I’m a corgi. ”
“ Fuck being the bigger person; I’m going to start biting people. ”
“ Well that wasn’t very slay of you! ”
“ May I please get a crumb of affection? ”
“ I crave power! Please don’t yell, though; I’m sensitive. ”
“ You call it a near death experience; I call it a vibe check from God. ”
“ Here are some scissors. Now cut it out. ”
“ Might commit a little tomfoolery, maybe even some shenanigans. ”
“ All these flavors, and you choose to be salty. ”
“ How can I live, laugh, love in these conditions? ”
“ What if I said ‘to be honest’ but then lied? ”
“ I'm financially at a stage where I understand why people do fraud. ”
“ Yes I may be evil and morally corrupt, but I’m also incredibly beautiful and I think that makes up for it honestly. ”
“ Debates are stupid. Why would I want to sit down and argue with someone blatantly dumber than me? ”
“ I forget but I do NOT forgive.. I'm just walking around hating bitches can't remember why ”
“ Ding dong your opinion is wrong! ”
“ I’m coming for your kneecaps. ”
“ You dropped your nose you fucking clown. ”
“ Are you a fire alarm? ‘Cause you are really fucking loud and annoying. ”
“ Call me an escalator, because I let people down. ”
“ I love me a good lesbian scandal! ”
“ If you can’t run away from your problems, you’re not running fast enough. ”
“ Everything I want to do is illegal. ”
“ Don’t make me hit your ankle with my Barbie scooter! ”
“ I tell gay jokes because I am a gay joke. ”
“ Fuck! I dropped my mental stability! ”
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