leaning unto my own understanding

deconversion/religious trauma blog. ex-southern baptist. blue, 24, he/they, transmasc lesbian

[hereticcoyote]

do not proselytize to me. if thirteen years of baptist school didn't convince me then neither will you

Hi! You can call me Blue or Wolf. I'm a 24 year old transmasc (he/they/it), here’s what you need to know before following

-Terfs/radfems are absolutely NOT welcome here and will be blocked on sight. Same goes for zionists.

-A little backstory: I was raised in a majority-conservative Southern Baptist school from ages 5-17. I was neutral on the religion for most of my childhood and adolescence, but eventually fully converted to it when I was about 16. I was openly Christian for about three years before deconstructing. I now consider myself agnostic/atheist

-My criticism focuses specifically on evangelical Christianity because that’s what I have personal experience with; I don’t have the knowledge or experience to speak on other religions (though I do think it’s perfectly fine to criticize religions you were never a part of as long as you actually know what you're talking about, I just personally don't feel like I have anything to add to those conversations, plus this blog is mostly meant as a therapeutic tool for myself so there isn't much point in me posting about things that don't apply to my life).

-I may also occasionally post about sensitive topics, mainly the following:

severe dissociation

CSA

emotional abuse/emotional neglect

ptsd/cptsd

suicidal ideation and general self-hatred

self harm

addiction

anxiety and depression

If those topics are likely to cause you distress, I recommend not following.

-if you’re gonna try to re-convert me or convince me that the doctrine that hurt me “wasn’t real Christianity” or the people involved "weren't real Christians" or that it was just "church hurt," just save yourself the trouble and go find someone who wants to hear it! I am done being nice about this!

-Christians who are questioning their faith are welcome here, and please feel free to dm me if you want to talk to someone who won't judge you for having doubts. Christians who aren’t questioning, I won't stop you from following and you are fully welcome to engage with my posts in good faith, but if you’re just here to proselytize or argue you will be blocked. If you want to have an honest and respectful discussion, I am open to that. I am not available to be converted and I will not humor any attempts to do so. I respect your right to practice your faith, so I ask you to please respect my right to want nothing to do with it.

-atheists who were never indoctrinated, feel free to follow, but please remain respectful of those who were indoctrinated; they could have been you if your circumstances were different.

[bedroommystic]

much has been said already about the supreme court case and trans rights but today i'm thinking extra hard about trans kids who have been sent into the psych system for any reason, who have to bear the lack of autonomy innate to it but the extra sting of being denied the right to your name and your gender in sex-segregated facilities, by transphobic staff, etc.

i'm thinking extra hard about how we've ended up where we are, with trans kids at the center of so much hatred, because children are not seen as people with interiority or an ability to narrate their own experiences. we've decided it's alright to lock children up for horrible diagnoses that psychs throw around like they're nothing, to strip their autonomy completely and force them through humiliation, invasions of privacy, and endless torment by "professionals" whose power over every waking moment of their lives has no end. these things cannot be separated.

i'm thinking today of every trans child in a wilderness camp, in a residential treatment facility, in psych wards and PHP/IOP programs, especially those whose transness has been tied to unwellness. fuck the psych industry and the troubled teen industry and transphobia forever

[liberalsarecool]

Freedom FROM religion is mandatory.

[thethirdromana]

Putting the term "Catholic guilt" on a high shelf where fandom can't reach it until everyone learns how to identify characters who are very very clearly coded as Protestant.

[vampfuneralpyre]

[hereticcoyote]

i am very late to the party but ethel cain’s preacher’s daughter might be the best album ive ever heard

[hereticcoyote]

well over the last 4 months i have lost my job, developed possibly multiple chronic illnesses, had a self harm relapse, and am now in the process of getting a divorce and moving back in with my parents in a deep red state on the other side of the country. so. whoop de doo

edit: almost forgot to mention that i received confirmation that my grandpa is a creep who probably SA'd me when i was a kid. awesome

[hereticcoyote]

spent most of today in the emergency room for sudden onset shortness of breath and they were not able to figure out whats causing it can i please get a fucking break

[hereticcoyote]

well over the last 4 months i have lost my job, developed possibly multiple chronic illnesses, had a self harm relapse after years of being clean, and am now in the process of getting a divorce and moving back in with my parents in a deep red state on the other side of the country. so. whoop de doo

edit: almost forgot to mention that i received confirmation that my grandpa is a creep who probably SA'd me when i was a kid. awesome

[winged-thinged]

You have to let people love you. You have to let people get to know you. You have to let people help you. Being so completely selfless that you try to erase yourself off the face of the planet and never ask for anything and reject everybody's offers of support makes you very hard to love! Unfortunately. Emptying yourself out of everything that makes you, you is not actually what your loved ones want from you, generally. They want to make you happy! They will be so so sad if you don't give them the chance. It's not all selfish. I promise.

[winged-thinged]

Oh god oh no people are reblogging this again without the context that it's speaking back against the Christian teaching that love is abnegation and that true love means emptying yourself of your own desires, suffering, and submitting yourself to death, even death on a cross.

[gramarobin]

[wizardarchetypes]

i was like 'it's weird the way everyone is doing free pr for the catholic church rn just bc the pr for the new pope has already been that good' and someone was like 'wait? why don't you like the pope? did something happen?' i feel insane i'm not exaggerating i didn't even know what to say?? 'did something happen?' yes the last 2 thousand years of global history, and no, going back 2,000 years in catholic history is not dramatic because it's remained consistently that bad throughout and in fact i do think the church should answer for every single century of its sins while all of its assets are returned to the people from which they were stolen and its global power is dissolved.

[deservedgrace]

Beside free will just straight up not being biblical I really don't understand why Christians believe god puts free will over people's well-being, over people's health, over people's lives. "God wants us to choose to love him" okay fine, but I don't want to worship a god that places his desires over my well-being, health, life, etc.

[glasspigeons]

it's truly horrifying to watch my old friends who never grew out of evangelicalism get pregnant at 23

[caughdeighy]

Sometimes I feel like being an exvangelical queer gives me something of a leg up when it comes to self soothing in the face of doom.

Gee whiz, the world is ending? [takes a deep drag off my cigarette] never heard that one before. How about you sit down and have a whiskey? You seem stressed

[baradragon]

christianity being a real facet of peoples lives instead of something you grow out of is killing me what do you mean youre 19 and still believe that mission trips are a positive force in the world

[christmasturtles]

[heavenaintaniceplace]

the whole your loved one isnt really dead! they’ll be resurrected if they believe in jesus! is the biggest obstacle to actually processing death in a healthy way. i was raised and then coerced into believing that and with effort i finally shed it. but knowing everyone else around me believes it wholeheartedly but also have never learned to grow through grief is a challenge. i’ve had to learn how to deal with this on my own because they’re not a help in that department and because i don’t have those beliefs anymore. and to know that i’m actively trying to heal from that while everyone else is telling me no believe what i believe is just cruel

[angelic-odette]

[winged-thinged]

Pulling this out of the tags:

SECULAR DEATH & GRIEVING RESOURCES

(this is by no means comprehensive, just a place to start)

Grief Without an Afterlife: How to Process Loss

Understanding Grief: How We Mourn, Heal, and Move Forward After Loss is a good overview on grieving from a psychological perspective

Grief Beyond Belief is a secular grief support network, and their site has a long list of secular resources about death from a variety of perspectives, including a list of secular funeral officiants by region

The Secular Therapy Project for help finding a nonreligious therapist

Dying Matters, a collection of printable pamphlets focused on how to talk to your loved ones about death

Facing Death Without Religion, an article from Harvard Divinity interviewing nonreligious elders about their views on death.

Personally, I find a lot of meaning in the death positive and green death movements, and I really like The Order of the Good Death and the resources they have collected there

tl;dr: you do it by learning about death, by talking to your loved ones about death, by allowing yourself to fully feel whatever feelings you have about death without judgement or avoidance, by finding your own meaning in death and dying, and by finding or creating rituals to help you remember the deceased.

[hereticcoyote]

I sometimes remember that I was taught in school that "separation of church and state" was meant to keep the state out of the church, not the other way around, and that it was actually totally fine and encouraged for the church to have a hand in the government. makes me so angry to think about now. private christian schools need to be held accountable for robbing kids of a real education.