OrchidsDiary

[dovai]

proof you’ve grown (even if it doesn’t look like it)

you pause before reacting now. you understand/try to understand your emotions. you’ve started saying “no” without a 3-paragraph explanation. you stopped chasing people who make you question your worth. your inner voice is softer than it used to be. you try again, even when it’s messy. you let go of bad things that once defined you. you feel grief instead of avoiding it. you choose what feels right, not what looks right. you show up, even with shaky hands. you don't care about what non-important people think about you. you don't underestimate yourself. your bedroom/home isn't messy anymore. you live slowly, authentically and with intention.

[herorchidlov3r]

Jackets & Heartbreaks

"This jacket is the only thing connecting me to him. It's the only excuse I have not to lose him forever. "

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 5 months ago, but I haven't really felt or gone through the emotions of the break up. I've kinda been dealing with it from a logical standpoint instead of feeling my emotions. I also think that one of the reasons why I haven't allowed myself to experience heartbreak is the constant communication I have with my ex-boyfriend. We may not talk every day, but we do, in fact, talk every other week, and I know it's not healthy for obvious reasons, but I can't help myself. I don't even know why I do it, I never feel good about myself afterwards. In fact, I feel like shit. I also feel like I lose a portion of my dignity and self-esteem every time I allow myself to call or text him. Then there's the jacket. I currently have a really expensive jacket of his in my closet, and I'm yet to return it. Its honestly the only thing tieing us together rn and the only reason why we can't go no contact, I know that once I return the jacket I have no excuse to keep an open line of communication which is why I have been avoiding giving him back the jacket, but I'm also at a point where I recognise that I'm just putting myself through unnecessary pain and suffering by talking to him. We can never get back together because we are honestly just incompatible. We want different things and ultimately can't make each other happy, so there is no point in continuing the relationship. So maybe it's time for me to let go and start moving on.

[herorchidlov3r]

I'm obsessed with their eyebrows, but I can't get mine to cooperate. They're so cvnty

[herorchidlov3r]

I am my biggest disappointment and my biggest failure.

"I am my biggest disappointment and my biggest failure."

I have failed and disappointed myself over and over again for the last decade, if not longer, and I am at a loss for what to do. I have multiple declarations dating back like 5 years of change and investment into my life but after a day or two I am back to bed rotting and scrolling on socials, I am back to wasting my days doing nothing and hating myself for it. I haven't had a semblance of a life in almost two years and my days consist of laying in bed and neglecting everything else and I wish I could say it was because of my mental health but it isn't. I'm not depressed nor have I lost the "lust for life" rather opposite. I would love to be outside and live my life, meet new people, experience things and create memories instead of slowly killing myself within the four walls of my room, instead of slowly ruining my life at a time where its supposed to be my best years. I cant even tell myself that I'll change, that I'll do better because I never do. I never change long enough for it to stick and I always fall back into the life and routines of a person that I no longer am. I am no longer a depressed teenager waiting for some miracle to save her from her from everything and yet I find myself still imprisoned in that reality whilst holding the keys to the lock. I am my own worst enemy and I don't know how to stop sabotaging myself from serious growth. I don't know how to allow myself to open the lock to cell and let myself out. Its like I am waiting for some major revelation, like the secret to life maybe, that will reconstruct my mind and cause me to change everything, but the chances of that happening are next to zero so I am stuck.

I need to start acting and behaving like I am in control of my life because I am. I am like 90% responsible for the current state of my life, everything that currently exists in my reality is an outcome of a choice I made, big or small, and I have to recognize that and take responsibility for that. A majority of the things I hate about my life are outcomes of decisions I made previously, mostly those I made with no care about how they would negatively affect me in the future. The reason I bed rot and spend my days doom scrolling is because I make the decision to do so. The reason I don't have a social life is because I never leave my house nor do I make the effort to socialize when I do leave it. The reason why I dislike the way my body looks is because I eat like shit and spend my days bed rotting instead of exercising. The reason I am constantly stressed about school is because I don't go to class, I fail my tests and let my work pile up to the point where I literally have no choice but to do it because its due soon. The reason I hate my life is because because I make decisions everyday that make my life miserable. And the sad part is, I know this. I know all of this, in fact I've known all of this for years and yet nothing changes. Even after all this, I am probably going to hit "Post", crawl back into bed and doom scroll till I pass out. Thus cementing my first statement that I am both my biggest disappointment and failure.

[roseforviolet]

[m0ney]

Rihanna･ﾟﾟ･｡♡

[herorchidlov3r]

The Desire To Be Hot

In recent months I've had the overwhelming desire to be hot like in a very sexy, sultry, consistently over dressed, always has full face of make up on and is constantly taking picture of herself type of way and I'm struggling to identify if its because I genuinely wanna be that type of person or if it is because I feel insecure about the physical changes I've gone through in the past year and no longer feel as confident in myself as I did two years ago. There is also the question of if I was actually confident two years ago or if I am romanticising who I was and creating a false image of the past (I have a tendency to do this). Because as much as I was confident back then (mostly in how I looked), I also constantly seeked validation outside of myself and thought about how people would perceive before I did anything which, now that I think about it, is a crazy way to live. The biggest differences between who I was two years ago and who I am now is that two years ago I was confident in how looked and that 90% of my confidence was derived from the fact that people found me attractive and that men lusted over me. I really didn't like my personality, I thought of myself as unlikeable (which I was for a long time) and felt the need to morph my personality into something affable and digestible ( I would categorize my personality as an acquired taste, especially where I live) in order for people to like me. Now, I am very secure in myself as a person. I've come to terms with the fact that I may be a bit odd to some people, but I'm okay with it. My confidence is derived from this security and self acceptance which makes it feel more secure then it did previously but I am very insecure about the way I look.

The growing insecurity in my appearance is messing up my quality of life. The constant mental comparison to other people or the younger versions of myself and mentally talking down on the looks of other women in order to make myself feel better, is slowly causing me to hate myself. This behaviour goes against everything I subscribe too and yet I cant help myself. I spend hours on TikTok watching thirst traps comparing myself to those girls and pointing out in what ways I am "better" then them and they better then me. I compare myself to random women at school and think to myself " Yeah they're pretty but I'm prettier" which is craaazzyyyy. No one should be thinking that way about anyone, the thought reeks of insecurity but yet I do it daily. I feel like a insecure teen again and it makes me sick, I've spent years of my life working towards seeing myself as beautiful and all that hard work is now gone.

This "Journey to self love and self acceptance" that I unintentionally went through last year resulted in self confidence around my personility, which I never had before, and greater self esteem. It introduced me to growth I never thought I could experience and change I thought to be impossible years ago but whilst working towards these things I unintentionally let myself go (I don't know how how else to explain it) and have lost a good chunk of what made up my self confidence. I dont like how this loss has changed me and has caused me to revert back to being someone I hate. And I know social media pushes this thing of how the only thing that matters is "who you are on the inside" which I think is half true the person, who you are and being confident in that person should be the foundation of your confidence but disregarding the confidence one should feel in their appearance isn't right (In my opinion!) I feel like you should be confident in who you are, how you make others feel and how you look.

Back to the topic of this post, what I am/was struggling with is the origins of this desire to be hot. Is it from genuine desire to feel good in my body and to like what I see in the mirror or does it stem from wanting to be desired by others and doing what I can to make them perceive me as "hot". If so, is it healthy to feed into this desire and work towards this figure of "Hotness" I have in my head, or will that do more damage than good. Will it end up with me chasing outside validation in order to secure the confidence I will find from this change, or will my newfound self assuredness stop that from happening.

P.S - Please ignore any spelling and grammatical mistake, I tried my best to fix them all. Also sorry if isn't cohesive or a bit hard to read :)

[so-i-did-this-thing]

I will bluster, but I don't deeply care that my 80-90 year old style is opaque to a lot of people. It's a bit sad, because ignorance here strips away a layer of meaning whenever you engage with art/history in or about this era.

What's more disconcerting is the thought that folks are just consuming clothing without thought or purpose, including what goes into their own closet. That leads to a lot of waste, and a lot of insecurity when you can't figure out why your clothes don't make you as happy as that Influencer.

I don't know how we get fashion literacy back -- fast fashion and trends cycling seasonally vs every so many years is to blame, imo.

When I talk about what appeals to me w/my own style, I get loads of "wait, clothing communicates things?" comments, which is an interesting commentary on how we now consume fashion with little thought, other than "current trend".

Not enough people these days seem to be involved in subcultures (or are aware that they are in one). And that contributes more to the loss of fashion vocabulary than, say, not following someone like menswear guy.

I guarantee you are dressing to communicate something to other people, even if you're not fully aware of the fact. Your clothing will continue to communicate *something* even as old trends compress. Fashion can be art, it can reflect the zeitgeist of a time period, and it can be propaganda.

If your clothing is making you unhappy, but you can't figure out why:

This isn't a vintage vs modern thing. It's a "clothes have meaning" thing, and I encourage folks to step back and think about what clothing is saying. Look at everyday people, celebs, movie characters. From the old-timey weirdos like me, to the $300 tailored t-shirts of the tech bros, there's a lot going on under the hood. And the more you know, the more confident you become about your own wardrobe and less prone you are to chasing trends that end up disappointing you.

I really encourage folks to embrace "slow fashion". Not just as an anti-capitalism thing, but as a way to examine how you want to present yourself to the world. See what the fashion you share (or want to share) with others communicates. And see what your own personal style that sits atop that says specifically about you.

[herorchidlov3r]

First Post

I've had tumblr multiple times throughout my life but I've never thought about seriously using it until today. I made a whole new account and everything because I wanna learn how to write and blog about my life because it just seems fun and I thought that this would be great place to start. Hopeful I stick to this and eventually learn how to use this app cause I'm very lost but I'll get the hang of it.