The speed with which Jan dives for his phone ā never mind that itās right there next to him on the sofa ā would be embarrassing if anyone else had been around to witness it. For the first time since yesterday, heās almost glad to be alone.
Nace
A truce has been reached
This is as much sharing as theyāll do
The photo attached shows Ollie and Pino both draped over Naceās lap, having clearly jostled for room. Pino, unsurprisingly, has commandeered the most room, but Ollie has snuck his way closest to Nace and looks quietly smug about it.
Itās a cute picture, and a funny one too, but it stirs up a pang of something Jan isnāt quite sure how to name. Longing, yes, but something else ā guilt, perhaps? It lodges itself somewhere in his chest, heavy and sharp-edged.
This hadnāt been the first time that Nace had invited him home to a family get together in the nine months since theyād agreed to see how things went, but it had been the first time that heād paused before smiling and acknowledging Janās no. Jan hadnāt really thought about it at the time, but itās been echoing around his head ever since saying goodbye yesterday.
It had just seemed logical at the time. How would Nace even introduce him to everyone? Or reintroduce him, considering heād already met a fair few of them at their gigs? Bandmate or friend clearly werenāt going to cover it nowadays, and no other terms had ever come up after theyād agreed not to put labels on this thing between them. Although that conversation had been a while ago ā did it still count?
It doesnāt help that he knows deciding on a word they could use would be like driving a tap into a barrel, with all those feelings that he always tells himself heāll look in the eye later gushing out unrestrainedly. Itās the way he feels when he wakes up next to Nace, or sees him lounging around with Igor, or finds his too fancy shower gel sitting in Janās shower even on the days when heās not at his flat. Itās the way he feels when Nace passes him a lighter before he asks, or gives that soft smile when Jan buys new gluten free snacks for them to try, or the way they laugh together when one of them succeeds in sneaking a joke track into their driving playlist. It bubbles in his stomach, spills warmly in his chest, hops on his tongue and makes his head spin.
Theyāve hurtled so far and so fast ahead in what is ā really, all things considered ā such a short time. Heād always thought that this kind of feeling was something that would come much later, that it was something for middle-aged people or ridiculous romantics like Bojan who were ready to settle down after years together, because who really wants to be staring down the barrel of forever before theyāre even thirty?
And yet, here he is, wearing one of Naceās sweaters in a futile attempt to make him seem closer, feeling exactly this.
The flat which has always been his sanctuary away from the world feels weird without Nace. Heād only really come back to lend some credibility to his bullshit excuse of having too much to do to accompany Nace, and now here he was, doomed to drift around restlessly and unable to focus on a single thing other than his phone, much to Igorās judgement when he wasnāt busy being annoyed at being uprooted again. There seem to be reminders of him everywhere. Heās never felt like this about anyone before, and he barely knows what to do about it.
Naceās text is still waiting for a reply. Heās still online.
I miss you hovers on Janās fingertips, much to his frustration. Heās typed it out and deleted it already more than once since yesterday, which is ridiculous ā itās only for a weekend, and Nace will be back from Kranj tomorrow evening. Heās even driving straight to see him. The last thing he wants to do is crowd him right now. How will that look, after Jan has made it so clear he didnāt want to come with him?
Jan
š
Looks cozy
He almost asks if thereās room for him, but stops before he can start. Maybe there wouldāve been, if heād bitten the bullet and gone. Or not ā he may not have anything to compare it to, but heās pretty sure an arm around the shoulders or possibly some sneaky hand holding under the table is as far as it can go at a family get together, like theyāre a pair of teenagers sneaking about. Maybe itās time he found out first hand.
But thereās no way he wants to start this kind of conversation, not without Nace in front of him where he can read his reactions.
Jan
Are you having a good time?
There ā thatās much more balanced, and itās almost what he really wants to know. Do you miss me? Did you have trouble sleeping alone last night too? Do you have to keep remembering that Iām not there too?
Three dots appear almost immediately, and, shortly afterwards, Naceās response.
Nace
Yeah, itās been great so far
Good to see everyone
I canāt wait to come home to you though
The world narrows down in an instant to just nine words. Itās like being struck by lightning. He can feel his face flushing red and, for a moment, heās actually glad there are so many miles between them.
Home. Thatās a good word for it.
Thereās a conversation thatās well overdue, and Jan suspects that itāll just open the floodgates for more, but thatās for tomorrow, after heās kissed Nace soundly enough that theyāll probably both forget the dinner heās going to cook for him. For now, though, he can start off small while he works out exactly how to say everything that he wants to say.
Jan
I canāt wait either
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