[hie87]

The art of loving an anxious dog...

The art of loving an anxious dog…

“He loved everyone fiercely, with every fiber of his scared and stressed body till his last breath and his paw print will forever be burned into my heart and soul…” 🐾

In loving memory of Chubby❤️, 2015-2020 †

I can’t write this without crying… my chest is so tight and heavy and my head is spinning with an overwhelming amount of emotions, but I need to get this off my chest.

To be honest, loving…

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[hie87]

I'm still here...

I’m still here…

I have written this post in my head countless of times, wanting and needing to keep my story going and unload my heart into this never-ending universe of writing. I just didn’t know how to. 

So much has happened this last year, things I could never really have prepared for. It was a year of excruciating pain, uncontrollable fear, hopelessness, loss and some more pain… but it was also a year of…

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[hie87]

Someday

Hi world, 

It’s been a while. A very tough and all-destroying while that is… but I will get into that some other time because today is the first day in months that I’ve had the strength to sit down and write some of my thoughts down. 

I’ve had more energy lately and I don’t take that for granted. After the past 8 months I never take anything for granted anymore, especially because my “good days”…

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[hie87]

That’s What They Tell Me

Hi world,

Today I’m gonna share something I wrote when my depression basically peaked. It was on a very bad day and I was drowning in so many feelings so I just felt like I needed to get all of it off my chest. I have been going back and forward if I should share this or delete it. I quickly decided that it was needed because I think it’s important to bring some awareness to what it is like to…

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[hie87]

Fly Baby, Fly...

Fly Baby, Fly…

“Breathe… Just breathe… You can do this. You’re used to this. Nothing’s really new, only the situation and circumstances are different. You know this and you’ve survived for so long knowing that. You can survive this too. Just… Breathe”

I chant the words as calmly in my head as I possibly can manage, not really believing them. I try to remember the breathing exercises I just learned but my mind…

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[hie87]

Kick Me When I’m Down...

Kick Me When I’m Down…

Hi world,

As you might have realised if you’ve been a follower on the blog for a while, my life has always been a whirlwind of ups and downs. That has not changed – unfortunately.The truth is that because of that I’ve always known that everything comes with a price, even happiness.

It seems like this cosmic balance that always keeps me grounded, even though there’s often a slight imbalance to the…

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[hie87]

A Not So Happy New Year

A Not So Happy New Year

Hi world,

First of all, I do hope that you all had an amazing Christmas and a happy new year. I know that it’s really late to say that now, but to be honest, I started writing this 3 months ago and back then it seemed like a good way to start out so I’m figured I would be sticking with it.

It’s now been a little over a year since my first post here on my blog. It’s been 26 posts so far and I…

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[hie87]

Hi world, 

Today is my day off which gives me time to finally sit down and write about our wedding. Honestly, I can’t believe that it’s already been two months since we got married. Time goes by so fast, you guys! Christmas is just around the corner, and 2017 is coming to an end. Personally, I cannot wait to see what 2018 will bring us, as you probably read in my little update from the other day. More about that later, though!

In other words, this post is highly overdue, but better late than never, right?

If you have read the post Finally, I Do!, you know that we planned on getting married in Denmark. Basically, we were eloping, something that had started out as a joke, because it was more difficult to make all the ends meet with the planning for a wedding here in Stockholm, than we originally had expected.

The date was really important to us (read: me), and having the wedding in Stockholm would mean that we would have to compromise that date, at least if we wanted to get married at a really beautiful City Hall in town. So a seed was quickly planted and as time went by, it took root and it seemed like the perfect way to get what we wanted: To be married October 10.

Eloping to Denmark took some extra effort to plan, not gonna lie, but it did feel really right at the time. We would get married in a place that was very dear to my heart, close to where I grew up. We would keep it small and simple with only a few people from my family, and it would be at City Hall.

We knew that we both eventually wanted a church wedding, and a huge party for that matter, but at the time, we just didn’t have the money to do everything “right” right away, so it felt like a great compromise with a City Hall-wedding, so we no longer had to wait. It was such a relief, because that would give us three years to save up for the big wedding, we were both dreaming about in 2020-10-10. (10.10.20 as we would write it here)

It felt so good knowing that we wouldn’t have to compromise on sharing the special day with all of our friends and family, not to mention to throw one hell of a party and celebrate our love with them. The thought of that still gets us very excited. In fact, those plans are in the making, and we have so many amazing ideas, constantly adding new ones, so yeah!

October finally arrived, and we started the long drive down to Denmark for a little mini-vacation at my sisters place before the wedding. Those drives are always stressful, and spending 8-9 hours in a fully packed car with two impatient kids and two big, excited dogs was definitely not helping the situation.

Looking back on it now, I actually do wish that we would have done things differently. Don’t get me wrong. I love that we went back to Denmark to get married, but it just added an enormous amount of stress and that is so not what you need at a time like that.

We did however try to make the best of it. Knowing that on the last day we would finally get married, was just a bit surreal, at least it was for me. It was almost to the point where I had to remind myself that we were getting married. I was ready, I was excited, but I just had so much on my mind, so it was hard to give in and enjoy everything. It seemed like I had waited for an eternity for this day, and now it was so near that it was almost within reach. That was really difficult for me to wrap my head around.

When the kids finally saw each other again, I knew that it was worth all the trouble and stress of going down a couple of days before the wedding. They rarely ever fight, and they just have so much love for each other, it both warms and breaks my heart at the same time, since they can’t see each other more than a couple of times per year. But, as I tell our boys: Missing someone sucks and it can hurt a lot, but we are so lucky to have people in our lives that is worth missing.

Saturday and Sunday went by in a blur, we laughed, played games till late at night after the kids had been put to bed, watched GOT and it was just a great time like always.

The day before the big day, I wanted to have a nice, relaxing day with my sister. I really wanted to have my nails done and for the first time ever, try eyelash extensions. It would make everything so much easier for the wedding. Or at least, so I thought.

Nothing about that day was particularly relaxing though.

In fact, the girl that was doing the eyelash extensions who was under training, ended up doing something to my right eye, and it hurt so bad. My eye got blazing red instantly and started watering, but the girl said that it would disappear quickly, and I trusted that… I mean, what do I know about eyelash extensions?

As I walked into the other room to get my nails done, my sister was left in the far corner, where she had been sitting for two hours already while waiting for me to get done. That was not at all how I had wanted the day to be. The whole point of going there together was so that she could be close and we could talk. Honestly, the guilt of dragging her there to spend time with her and not being able to, added to the stress I was already feeling inside, due to my hurting eye.

So, I’ve had my nails done before, but never have I ever felt pain like that nail woman put me through. She squeezed, pinched, clipped and even hours later, my cuticles were still bleeding. My hands and fingers were so sore when she finished, and I just wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. It was not a good experience at all, and on top of that, they charged me $32 extra for the eyelash extensions, than the price originally had been when I booked the time online. Had I known that, I wouldn’t have made the booking in the first place, because $135 for eyelash extensions done by a “trainee” is a joke if you ask me! However, I had to pay, and I went home from there with nothing but disappointment and pain overshadowing everything.

As the day progressed, my eye got more and more red. It was hurting more, it was constantly watering and I was slowly starting to freak out. Never had I seen my eye that red before, but I was hoping and praying that it would be gone by the next morning, just like they had said it would.

It didn’t go away, in fact, when I woke up at 5 o’clock on my wedding day to get ready, I realized when I came to the bathroom to take a shower, that it had only gotten worse over night. The pain in my eye had made it really difficult for me to sleep, but as I stood up, I realized that it had only intensified over night. It literally hurt if I so much as tried touching the skin around my eye, even blinking sent a stabbing pain into my eyeball.

I was slowly starting to panic for real. It was so not how I thought I was going to feel on this big day… a day I had longed for ever since I met Björn the first time. Luckily for me, the plan had been to have a birdcage veil all along, so I hoped that that could somehow hide that blazing red eye of mine, and that was at least some comfort.

Thinking back, everything that morning was just so stressful. Three happy dogs, two stressed cats, four bored children and three other stressed adults running around. It wasn’t really the best circumstances to keep it cool.

As I tried to do my own hair in the middle hallway, centering point of all the chaos, I ended up having my first real melt-down of the day. It was a minor one though, considering what was to come.

I had wanted to do my hair in a certain way, I had practiced and for what it was worth, I thought it had looked pretty good, everything considered. I still don’t know what I did different that morning  or what I did wrong, but it ended up not looking like shit, and not at all like I had hoped it would. I absolutely hated it. I was so upset and frustrated, I just felt like crying and giving up. My eye was hurting, my nails were hurting, my back was hurting from the bed we had slept in, and I was ready to just throw in the towel. On top of all that, there had been so much drama going on that previous week within my family, that I can’t even be bothered getting into, because that was probably the last thing I needed before the wedding. Anyway, it all pushed me over the edge for a split second, but I quickly managed to get back on track when my sister came and offered to make some adjustments to my hair.

Sure, it probably wasn’t as big of an issue with the hair in reality as it was to me at that time, but with everything else going on, that was just the tipping point. I think that any bride can relate to the smaller or bigger incidents that surely will cause any bridezilla to freak the fuck out on her wedding day.

The problem was averted, even though my hair didn’t look at all how I had dreamed. Of course I was disappointed, because all I ever wanted was to feel and look pretty for Björn, but it would just have to make do.

The real meltdown, that probably would have scared any other groom-to-be far away, happened when I was getting dressed. I had problems getting the dress on without ruining my makeup and hair that I had already been struggling with for an hour. Björn was trying his best to help, but the panic, stress and exhaustion from not having had enough sleep or any food for that matter, just took over.

I ended up screaming and yelling at him as I literally threw him out of the bedroom and slammed the door. My sister came and asked through the door if I wanted her help, and I ended up screaming at her too, which I have never done before in my whole life. She is usually always the one that can calm me down when I’m upset, but I knew that if I let her in, I would break down crying, and I didn’t have time for that.

It was definitely not my finest moment at all, I have to admit! Thankfully everyone knows me and my temper when I’m stressed (and hungry) so they took it fairly easy and gave me some space to calm myself down.

I managed to get the dress on, on my own, and I called Björn back in to help me zip it up. I apologized, and kissed him. He didn’t deserve my anger, frustration or stress, and I felt like shit that I had acted like that.

After that, everything started moving along more smoothly. The kids all got dressed, we were all ready to go except from Björn, who had been running around all morning, trying to fix everything. I was still stressed, but when I saw Björn fully dressed in his navy blue suit only ten minutes later, I was overwhelmed with this proud feeling of how good my man looked. The suit was perfect. He looked amazing, so beautiful and I couldn’t believe that within the next the hour, I would finally be his wife.

The drive felt so long as I sat there in the car next to Björn with the four kids. The kids wanted to ride together, and since we have six seats in our car, of course they should all be allowed to ride together. It was probably the last thing I needed at the time, but for me it’s always about trying to give them as much time together as possible while we are there, because we all know that it will be a long time before they see each other again.

They were all so happy and overly excited, but I just sat there, totally quiet in the car, trying to calm my nerves. My hands were shaking, and I asked Björn how he could be that calm, because I was really nervous. He just looked at me and said: “Baby, I have nothing to feel nervous about. It will all be perfect” and I prayed that he was right.

Eventually we arrived and parked at the small, closed-in town square, with the city hall right next to it. I always loved it there. It is such a beautiful place with a lot of old buildings, cobblestones and you can just feel the history oozing out from every corner, as you’re taking it all in. It felt so familiar, and it reminded me of some of the happiest times in my childhood, and I could finally breathe a little. I hadn’t been there for almost 20 years, and everything had changed so much, but it still felt comforting to be back.

As we got out of the car, people where honking their horns as the drove past us, waving, congratulating us and saying how beautiful we looked, and it was hard not to feel anything but happy.

Quickly I was surrounded by my closest family, and it was really a special moment walking towards the City Hall together all of us, though it wasn’t anything at all compared to the feeling I had when we walked into the room of this magnificent building that bad been around since the fifteenth century. Royals and nobles had gotten married there, and it had a special kind of atmosphere, and I wonder what stories would have been told if the royal blue walls could have talked.

The Officiator showed us to our place. He was a great guy with an amazing sense of humor. We really couldn’t have hoped for anything more. As we took our seat it hit me: “This is it… This is my happily ever after”

I sat next to Björn, his hand in mine, listening to the speech that had probably been spoken to thousands of others before, but it didn’t matter because I just felt so happy. Tears were swelling up in the corner of my eyes, as I looked at Björn and he gave me the most dazzling smile, pure happiness written on his face. I knew I was the lucky one, but he would never agree to that.

It had probably only been 5 minutes, but everything was so calm and moved so slow, so it never felt rushed. We got up, listened to the rest of the speech as we came to the most important part of the day.

Björn said his I Do’s and put the ring on my finger. I still couldn’t believe that I deserved a ring and a guy like that, and a soft sniffle escaped to prevent the tears and snot from overpowering this beautiful moment. The Officiator then looked to me for the same answer…

“I do… Always and forever” I putted the ring on Björn’s finger and just like that, we were officially a married couple. It felt amazing!

We spend the next couple of hours with my family, toasting and taking pictures, and next you can see some of my favorite pictures from the day:

Eventually everyone was starving, so we decided to go to Burger King and eat. Nothing fancy about that, except from our dress code of course! Haha! As yo can see, I have the picture to prove it!

  I realize that it might sound a bit trashy, but if you know us just a little bit, you will know that it actually is 100% in our spirit to do something as casual like that. We don’t care really what other people think, it doesn’t matter where we are, as long as we are together, and honestly, I really had the best time there with my family.

So that is basically the story of how we eloped to Denmark and got married. It was amazing and special, but it has only made us much more excited about the wedding in 2020. We can’t wait to do it right, surrounded my all the people that means the most to us in this world.

  My next post will hopefully be up within the next couple of days. I have some thoughts that I want to share with you about what it feels like to be married a second time around.

Take care till then, guys!

Nothing but love, Maria

P.s. In the mean time, if you haven’t already read the full story of how we met, then feel free to catch up via the links below:

CHAPTER 1 CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3 CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 6 CHAPTER 7 CHAPTER 8 CHAPTER 9 CHAPTER 10 CHAPTER 11 CHAPTER 12

If you're curious about our wedding, then you can read all about it in this post 🖋💕 Hi world,  Today is my day off which gives me time to finally sit down and write about our wedding.

[hie87]

Dealing with anxiety, starting work again after 7 years, education and maybe bying a house? Read all about it in my latest post on my blig (link in bio) #myblog #blog #blogging #blogger #blogloving #bloggerlove #bloggergal #bloggerlife #mystory #memoirs #beautiful #lovestory #love #mystory #stories #life #lifehappens #relationships #reallifefairytale #fairytale #happilyeverafter #fallinginlove #sharingiscaring #sharingmystory #follow4follow #followme #anxiety #battlinganxiety #movingforward #changes (her: Stockholm County)

[hie87]

Moving Forward

A little update on the blog about what I've been dealing with the past couple of months 🖋💕💻

Hi world, 

Since I last sat my ass down and took my time to do this, a lot has happened, and that is the sole reason for my absence. It’s about time to give you guys a little update about everything that has happened since my last post.

As you probably read in Finally, I Do!, we got engaged back in September. It was a super short engagement because we tied the knot only a month later. I will tell…

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[hie87]

Finally, I Do!

Hi world,

Finally, I can make one of the most extarordinary announcements of my whole life! It’s been so hard to keep everything a secret for this long! (Well, all our family and most of our friends already knows, so it might not really be all that secret, come to think about it! Haha!)

Anyway…. Drumroll, please!

W E ’ R E G E T T I N G M A R R I E D!!

Amazing, right?! I’m soooo happy, I can…

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[hie87]

Hi world,

In hindsight of my latest post, I feel the need to share some of the more positive things that has happened since May.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s been some hectic months, with a lot of changes, but I believe that it was all really good and needed changes in the end.

By the end of July it was definitely time for a vacation, it was long over-doe. It had been almost four months since I had last seen my family, and it was hard to wait. Being this far away from them is never easy, and I get extremely impatient when we get closer and closer to the actual day where I know that I’m gonna see them all again.

When the day finally arrived and we took the 8 hour drive down, it was exactly what I needed to feel better about everything. My family always has that effect on me, and seeing how happy the kids are to finally be together just warms my heart in ways that I can barely explain.

We had so much fun all of us, so many laughs and good talks, just being together without really doing that much. I believe that that’s when you truly know that you’re in a good company, when you don’t have to do all that much to be extremely entertained. I really love the dynamic we have…

  After an amazing vacation in Denmark, we actually welcomed a little new family member. Meet Bimbo.

She has been the perfect addition to hour family of 7. She was originally a gift from my sister, and it has been a pure match made in heaven. Björn and I had of course talked about getting a second cat for a while, so that Ib, our old cat, would have some company when we’re not home. Usually he’ll just be around the dogs, but whenever we would take the dogs with us and he would be home alone, he would always be waiting by the door, no matter if we were out for 2 minutes or two hours. He would be so upset with us, scolding us and complaining constantly to make sure that we knew how disappointed he was with the situation.

By getting a new kitten, we hoped that he would feel less lonely when we weren’t home, and I must say that we couldn’t have hoped for a better result than this. The cats are getting along so well, and they are together all the time. Ib has really blossomed, he’s happier, more playful and he’s never complaining when we go out with the dogs. It’s amazing really!

But now to the biggest news of all!

I’ve started a whole new chapter of my own… After 7 years of not working, I finally got myself a job! A REAL JOB! Can you believe it?

Pinch me, because I still can’t believe it myself!

Honestly, it’s so weird, overwhelming and fantastic at the same time, but I’m so happy and excited about it!

When I first moved to Stockholm, I was suffering from so much anxiety and I never ever in a million years thought that I would ever be able to have a job, mainly because of my back injury, but also Stockholm was very big and scary. Just the thought of having to go from A to B on my own seemed impossible at the time. Yet, here I am.

I found the add for the job in a group on Facebook and decided to fill in my informations. After completing a series of tests online, I got to the interview thinking that I wouldn’t take the job if it was offered. The teamleader did the interview, and everything just felt so natural and calm that I felt like I could be myself 100 %. I wasn’t nervous, it wasn’t awkward or anything. It was just great, and I felt empowered by my newly found courage.

It was probably the best interview I had ever had in my life, and I was confident enough that when I was asked why they should hire me, my answer was as simple as: Because I’m awesome.

3 hours after I came home, my phone rang and I got the job.

Completely surrealistic, but amazing!

So what is my new job? Well, it’s at an internationel customer service company called Transcom, and I’m their new customer service agent.

This last week would have been my third week, but as bad luck would have it, I got sick with the flu on monday, and I just couldn’t shake it. That means a week of pure guilt for me by having to stay home in bed. It felt horrible, and I’m still not 100 % back, but I’m definitely going to work tomorrow, I don’t want to be home a second longer.

The fact is that this job might not be for everybody, meaning that it’s not something extraordinary… It’s customer service, and 99 % of the time it’s a thankless job, but I love it already. I think it’s an amazing tool for any company, and I’m really happy to be a part of this one.

It feels like everything is right on track now, and it feels fantastic!

I do have some more exciting news to share… you know, saving the best for last and all that… but you’ll have to wait for the next post to read all about that. Stay tuned, because it’s HUGE! I can barely wait to share it with you all!

Take care till next time, guys!

Nothing but love,

Maria

  P.s. While waiting for the most amazing news I could probably ever share with you, feel free to catch up on the story of how I got to my happily ever after:

CHAPTER 1 CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3 CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 6, Pt I CHAPTER 6, Pt II CHAPTER 6, Pt III CHAPTER 6, Pt IV CHAPTER 7 CHAPTER 8 CHAPTER 9

What’s New? Hi world, In hindsight of my latest post, I feel the need to share some of the more positive things that has happened since May.

[hie87]

After 4 months of silence, I’m finally ready to share with all of you what I’ve been going through... Take a look and give me your opinion or tell me your story about your eating disorder... Link in bio! #eatingdisorder #battlingeatingdisorders #innerdemons #myblog #blog #blogging #blogger #blogloving #bloggerlove #bloggergal #bloggerlife #mystory #memoirs #beautiful #lovestory #love #mystory #stories #life #lifehappens #relationships #reallifefairytale #fairytale #happilyeverafter #fallinginlove #sharingiscaring #sharingmystory #follow4follow #followme (her: Stockholm, Sweden)

[hie87]

Back On Track

Hi world,

It’s been almost 4 months since my last post here on my blog, (ask me if I feel bad about it, because I DO! I feel absolutely horrible!) and since I’ve been home sick in bed for the past five days, this was a good way for me to find the time to give you guys an update about my life here in the happily ever after.

As you can imagine, a lot has happened in these past four months, good as…

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[hie87]

When I'm not writing my blog, I'm often busy taking care of our home, cleaning or decorating and constantly coming up with new ideas to make it more cosy and homey! This time it was our balcony that got an upgrade on a budget! It's really hard to make anything cosy that's made out of concrete, and when you have neighbors everywhere it's hard to get any privacy! So with cheap curtains from #IKEA the problem is now solved! It's so cosy, and we can sit in privacy without everyone looking right at us! With some pillows bought, others made myself, two old matresses later and 6 pallets later: this is my humble take on a pallet couch 💕 #mytake #decoronbudget #decor #cosy #cosyness #outdoor #interior #decoration #designideas #pallets #DIY #palletcouch #homemade #blog #blogging #blogger #blogloving #bloggerlove #bloggergal #bloggerlife #mystory #memoirs #beautiful #lovestory #love #mystory #stories #life #lifehappens #relationships #reallifefairytale #fairytale #happilyeverafter #fallinginlove #sharingiscaring #sharingmystory #follow4follow #followme (her: Stockholm, Sweden)

[hie87]

New blog post out 💕 There was some difficult choices to make in this part of my story, and it completely broke my heart... Read more about my sacrifices to get to my happily ever after by following the link in my bio! #myblog #blog #blogging #blogger #blogloving #bloggerlove #bloggergal #bloggerlife #mystory #memoirs #sisters #sacrifices #hardchoices #choices #beautiful #lovestory #love #mystory #stories #life #lifehappens #relationships #reallifefairytale #fairytale #happilyeverafter #fallinginlove #sharingiscaring #sharingmystory #follow4follow #followme (her: Stockholm, Sweden)

[hie87]

Hi world,

FINALLY I have time to sit down and write the next chapter of the story of how I got to where I am today: THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

It’s been 2 months since I posted the previous chapter, so I realize that this is highly over-due. I just hope that it will be worth the wait! Haha! 

Nonetheless, I hereby present:

CHAPTER 9

December started pretty amazing with a visit from Orz, as you read in chapter 8. However, when he left to go back to Sweden, I was struggling. It was unbearable being away from him.

It was taking its toll on the both of us pretty quickly, and we knew that it was only a matter of time before we couldn’t do this kind of relationship any longer.

By mid December, I hit a new kind of low. Orz was coming back to spend ten days with me during Christmas, and I was excited for our first Christmas together. I couldn’t wait to see him again. It felt like forever since I had last been with him, even though it had barely been two weeks. The wait was literally driving me crazy.

One day close to his return, I was in a really shitty mood. I hated being away from him, I hated not feeling him close to me, and I realized that I was almost at my limit already. I knew that time was up and there was a decision that needed to be made. I simply couldn’t postpone it any longer. The unspoken question that had been lingering in the air for the past month needed to be answered… Denmark or Sweden? 

I knew that if we were ever going to have a real shot at being together, one of us would have to give up their whole life, sacrifice everything and everyone we loved. Orz would have to give up his job, his family and friends… not to mention his two sons, Eddie and Levi. I, on the other hand, would have to give up my dream home, the house I had bought, fought for and loved since the very first time I stepped inside it. The house I had called home for 5 years, the house were I had build my breeding business with my 5 Bernese Mountain dogs. The house with the yard were I had buried 2 of my first dogs, because I thought that this house was going to be my forever-home… If I had known that it wasn’t the case, I would never have buried them their. Ever.

I would have to move away from my sister, my other half, and her 2 adorable children that I had loved like they were my own, and who loved me equally in return.

How could I ever give any of that up? 

How could he? How should I ever be able to let him make that sacrifice for me? 

I was heartbroken.

The night before coming back, Orz called me like he would do every night. This time it was different though. Without really having it thought it all that well through, my logical sense of reason started speaking over my heart and mind: “I’m moving to Sweden”. Orz was quiet for a while, hell I was too, until he finally asked me if I was sure… “I can’t make you give up your children for me. I can’t be the reason why two little boys will grow up without a father, like I did. I can’t put anyone else through that,” I said while the tears was running down my face. It made perfect sense. It was the only logical solution to our problem… So why was it hurting so bad?

My heart ached in my chest, and it was a horrible, stabbing pain, that left me almost breathless. I knew what this meant. I knew what the price would be for this logical explanation: sacrificing everything else I loved…

I broke down and I was inconsolable. I cried my eyes out and it was like a never ending stream of proof of the pain I was feeling inside.

Orz tried his best to comfort me over the phone, but it wasn’t at all working. “Baby… I can’t let you give up your house, your dogs and your family” Orz said quietly, obviously hurting too. “I can see how much it hurts you to make this decision, and I can’t let you do that” he continued.

Before he said anything else, I pulled myself together long enough to stubbornly answer him: “I have made my decision… It’s the only way for us to be together”.

Just like that, my whole future changed, and it was so hard to wrap my head around. My future had been so certain up until that moment, and now I didn’t know anything anymore.

I fell asleep that night with Orz on Skype, knowing that the next day we would be in each others arms again, and without realizing it myself, I fell into a restless sleep.

I don’t think it is to surprising when I tell you that Orz and I had ten amazing days together. We visited my mom, my sister, her husband and the kids. We spent Christmas together and it was now clearer than ever, that he was worth the sacrifices and the pain I was carrying in my heart.

With him next to me, I publicly announced on Facebook that I would shut down my business and that I would have to find new homes for 2 or 3 of my dogs, and that I hoped for peoples respect and understanding, because it was a horrible decision to have to make. And it was.

My dogs had been my life, my babies, for so long, and no matter how much I wanted to bring them all with me, I knew it was impossible to bring all five of them to an apartment in Stockholm…

Before he left, Orz and I talked back and forward to decide which dogs to bring and what would be best for them. I chose my oldest male, Ludwig and his youngest son, Chubby. My oldest dog, Hailey, would stay with my ex, so I knew that I had to find homes for Chubby’s two other siblings, Walther and Willow.

This choice was tearing me apart, but at least for the night, I could curl up in the arms of the love of my life and just let it all out. Tonight I didn’t have to deal with the pain alone, because he was right there with me, not letting me go even for a second. Orz was my whole world now, and with him by my side, I knew I could get through anything. I had to.

New Years Eve I spent with my sister, her husband, the kids and the dogs. It was bittersweet. Not just because I was sick, but it was so hard to be around them and appreciate their company, knowing that in the matter of months I would live several hundreds of miles away from them.

A part of me wanted to push them away, thinking that it would be easier for all of us if we just tried to forget about each other, because it hurt so bad to know that I had to leave them and it hurt loving them so much. However, it hurt me more not being with Orz.

At 1 am on that cold first night of january, my sister and I dressed warm, and went for a walk to look at the fireworks. This was one of the hardest walks I would ever have to walk, having my arm wrapped around hers as we looked up at the sky, letting the beautiful lights in the sky distract us for a second from the pain we were both feeling. We walked for almost an hour, before I started crying for real, and I just couldn’t hold it back. On a corner between an ending road and another beginning, she hugged me tight, let me cry on her shoulder and told me that everything would be fine.

Eventually she started crying too. It’s a rare sight, because she is always my rock, always comforting me… but for once, we were comforting each other. She had been so supportive of my love for Orz, because she could see how happy it made me, so she promised herself that she wouldn’t show me how much it hurt her that I was leaving. She was determined to keep that promise, and she did, right up until that moment. She hugged me even tighter, knowing that the second we let each other go, it wasn’t just letting go of a hug, it was letting go of the life we shared, and never thought would change.

But it was time for me to get my own family, and we both knew that Orz was my way to get that… My future was in Sweden with Orz and the kids. It was finally time for me to do something just for me, and it was probably the first time I ever really had.

My sister ended up adopting Willow that same night. It was bittersweet leaving her there the next day, but I was happy that there would be a part of me left in their home when I no longer could be around.

My ex decided to keep Walther shortly after, so everything basically turned out great in the end, at least for the dogs. My heart is till this day however, still broken. It still hurts… I still miss them… and even though I know that I have no reason to feel guilty, I do. They were my dogs, and I gave them up. I know that they are happy where they are, but I just can’t shake the feeling that they belonged with me. But I guess that’s just something I have to live with…

My 2016 definitely started out with a lot of hard choices and lot a lot of sacrifices were made, but it was needed. I needed that to do that so the love I felt for Orz could get the chance it clearly deserved. It was hard, and it’s still hard, but I’m just so happy that I’ve got an amazing family behind me that helped me getting here by supporting me and loving me, and most importantly, never giving up on me…

That’s all for now, guys! Take care till next time!

– Maria

P.s. In case you missed out on the previous chapters, here’s an easy way for you to catch up!

CHAPTER 1 CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3 CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 6, Pt I CHAPTER 6, Pt II CHAPTER 6, Pt III CHAPTER 6, Pt IV CHAPTER 7 CHAPTER 8

Choices & Sacrifices Hi world, FINALLY I have time to sit down and write the next chapter of the story of how I got to where I am today: THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.