for a while things were really bad, I didn't know if I was gonna get SSI or not and I couldn't leave bed to even grab a couple things from the grocery store. I worried about homelessness every day. I started this disabled self care blog and it helped me heal a lot from the guilt I felt for needing so much help, as well as other things. I developed so much guilt from things like employers being mad at me when I had to leave work early or being told by my therapists it's my fault I can't work bc I don't do yoga and meditate and also just a capitalist culture in which a person's value is based on their work and/or wealth. but yeah I quit therapy and developed a lot of coping skills on my own here that actually helped me a lot. Eventually I didn't have to do them anymore. It felt kinda weird to stop, like maybe I'd fall into old patterns again but I miraculously rid myself of ableist guilt. Sometimes I succeed really well at shit. That guilt hasn't come back but things have been really difficult lately. A lot of painful things kept happening back to back. A friend’s murder, another friend OD’d 2 weeks later, the domino effect that’s had on his family/my loved ones in every possible aspect of their life, getting broken up with in a confusing somewhat open ended way??, my own financial problems, a falling out with a close friend as well as a few other friends, being forced to see family and it triggering ptsd symptoms I haven’t had for years, and a kidney infection. All in 1 month’s time. I'm just trying to get through it in the healthiest way possible. I've been taking up a lot of the coping skills I used here again, but using them in ways that are relevant to my current situation. I'm mostly just waiting it out until I feel somewhat normal again. But I’m hurting a lot and doing everything I can to ease the pain and start enjoying myself again while trying not to suppress anything.
