It’s been a long time since I’ve written you here. It seems like the older I get, the more complicated shit gets, shouldn’t it be opposite?? I miss you. So much. I miss that time in my life too, I feel so old now. Ancient. I’m only 26 yet I feel like I’m 100. I hope life has been kind to you. I hope you get to live a simple life now. Things have been so hard since then.
I’ve come far though, I really hope you’d be proud. I think you would. I’ve been sober for almost 5 years now. I got out of that nut house, I’ve been on my own. And of course I picked the perfect time to do it, during the pandemic. I’m engaged and though we have had our problems things have gotten better and she's actually working on herself. I think if we can both get our shit together we can have a really great life together. I think you’d like her.
So anyway what I wanted to talk to you about was my biological father, my sperm donor is actually the better term. I can’t remember what exactly I wrote about before, but when I turned 24 he messaged me and came back into my life. At first it was great, he said all the right things, made all the right promises, and like a dumbass I fell for it. And honestly that's the part I hate the most.
Thats the part that keeps me up at night, I knew he was a piece of shit, hes a gypsy so by default he’s shit. Plus he never made any effort to be in my life before then. I knew not to fall for his bs and yet I let myself anyway.
For once I decided the universe would work out for me that I deserve this after all the shit and constant let downs Ive had to go though. Id have a good parent, I deserved it. I don’t know why I thought I was entitled to anything especially happiness. and I hate myself so much for just going for it.
I hate that I let him in even just a little bit, I hate that I talked to him so much, I hate that I left everything behind for him even though it was really to get my shit together. I don’t know why I thought leaving equaled getting my shit together it just lead to feeling alone and isolated. and after all that I went thought the shit show with my partner which is a whole other bunch of bullshit that I don’t even feel like crying about tonight.
This is about him though so back to that. anyway I decided to move in with him his new wife and kid, he was supposed to fix up his man cave into my room. When I got there nothing was changed or fixed. My things were in bags all on his loft sofa and floor. He would fight me to be in what was supposed to be “my room” always demanding I go play with my sister, while he drank his beer, played his drums, smoked my weed, and smoked his cigarettes'. I never really got to be alone. I got a job out there within my 2nd day and was just waiting on the background check to go though. He asked me to leave within the first week, said I was disrupting him and his family's lifestyle because I’d be up at night in “my room” gaming with my friends and gf who I missed so much. I would sleep in because I didn’t have a job yet or pretty much anything to do.
Yet I was disrupting his family and him? really he was mad I wouldn’t entertain my little sister for him all day so that he could go get fucked up upstairs. he apologized quickly afterwards and said he was going to do better. I figured I couldn’t leave in the first week and pressed on. Every day I felt so isolated I hated how quiet everything was. I missed my friends. I missed my partner even more. I even sort of missed my mom and my other siblings and family.
I talked to his wife more than him and got to know my sister but I’m not good at relating to children as I never really was much of a child to begin with. I can’t really remember what exactly happened but in the 2nd week I was upstairs facetimeing with my partner, he came upstairs and at some point mentioned that it would be a good idea if I just left. My partner heard that and bought a ticket that required her to get on three planes to get to NY where I’d picker her up and we’d drive back to Illinois together and move in together.
I told them the next day that I was leaving the following week, I’m pretty sure he and I got into another fight when I told him I was leaving I remember he said I was too gypsy. Him the biggest proudest gypsy out there telling me that. as if him asking me to leave wasn’t enough of an insult.
Before I had even agreed to move there I told him I was trans he said he didn’t understand it but he would work on it, that he loved me and accepted me. He asked though that I didn’t tell his wife or kid because he didn’t want them knowing yet and asked me to wait on my transition until I told them I agreed because I looked at this as less of a time of being with them and more of a time to get my shit together and move either back to Illinois or have my partner move in with me somewhere in NY.
I should have fucking realized then that me being who I am was going to be a problem but I was hopeful that he could be understanding. Anyway that last week I was there he pulled all the manipulative tricks he could but I grew up with a family of manipulators and wasn’t going to fall for it. He tried making me feel guilty by being super nice like how he was when I first visited before I made the decision to move. That last week was good, we got along. He would spend some of that time begging me to stay, telling me that he didn’t mean it, and apologize constantly.
the last day i was there he helped me pack up my car, all the while asking me to stay or at the very least to spend a night there with my gf before we left for Illinois. (side note, he would tell me if my gf ever visited we couldn’t sleep in the same bed...shocker.)
I just laughed and said bye let him hug me and then I was gone, when I was down the street from the airport to pick up my partner, he called me crying saying how sorry he was and begging me to come back. I couldn’t help laughing. I said no and hung up. And moved back to Illinois.
When I first got back in town I texted him to let him know I made it safe. After that I decided to take some time for myself and to step away from him for a while until I figured out if I still wanted him in my life or not. After 3 days he texted me drunk swearing me saying I talked shit to his family (his sister) about him and really it was all my fault that I left, and that I really just wanted to be with my partner and I was looking for anyway to leave. It was at that moment that I realized I was done. I got my answers over the course of the year that he was in my life I got to know him, I got my answers, most importantly I got my closure and I didn’t want to give him or the situation energy anymore.
I texted him back saying I was done, I explained I wanted time away originally so that I could see where we stood but after this attack I decided to just be done with him completely. I can’t remember the conversation exactly but I told him off pretty good about never being there for me and just being a complete fuck up. I’m sure he yelled about me not respecting him or some dumb shit like that.
Anyway that was it. For a while. then I got this dumb idea that I was owed something. That he at the very least could send me money because I need help with school and bills. I reached out to him a month or so ago and told him straight up I wanted money for school and if he’d actually be a decent parent or not. He said he would. there were a few times I called him for help with somethings. There were times he called me and it was all going okay.
Until last week, I called to ask him about when he was going to send me money. He started talking about random things. Telling me that he’s buying a new house and how hes gonna send me even more money, telling me how he will have the money soon but never giving me a date. I tried explain to him that I needed to know a date so that I could budget and he said to just hold on to my money.
Why is it that no one in my life seems to take me seriously everyone in my family sees me as this little girl when I’m a 26 year old man who had to raise himself. does he think I’m some child that just gets to hold on to their money like they can? I have bills. I live on my own. I’m engaged! yet I still feel like a child to everyone in my life apart from my friends and partner.
You treated me like an adult. You were the first adult to treat me with equal respect and for that I will forever be grateful and thankful.
Anyway, he started telling me about how he is planning on coming to Illinois to visit and how he wanted me to come over to his sisters to see him and his family. He said he would give me money and some other things. Then he asked me if I could just show up to his sisters alone. I said no and that my fiancée would be with me no matter what because we are a packaged deal. He said okay, he also said a bunch of other things that made me feel small and sad so I hung up.
I talked to my therapist about it (Yep got one last October!) and realized while in therapy that the reason he asked me to come alone was because he didn’t want his kid to see well the gay so to speak. and his wife and him probably didn’t want to see it either. I told my therapist there was no need to confront him about this because I was just interested in his money and would confront him when I didn’t need the money anymore.
However, I didn’t realize how much this actually bugged me. My fiancée and I started watching the new season of love, victor and just seeing the main character standing up for himself and refusing to not be himself, the conversation with him really started to weigh on me and I just woke up one day and chose violence. I confronted him.
At first he tried to play it off like it was no big deal and said that he was worried about his daughter being confused, which as a lgbt person
I will never understand I tried to vent to my friend about what happened and since hes a straight guy with kids he sort of sided with my dad about not exposing his kids to gays at such a young age where they don't understand. I don't understand what they need to understand in the first place. Its so hard to understand that love is love.
I was more hurt that my sperm donor couldn't be honest with me, and that he wasn't accepting as he lead on. so anyway we blew up at each other. I called him out about expecting respect when he was never in my life, like I owed him something because I come from him, like I even asked to be here. his child of all things.
I told him he doesn’t respect me my life, my choices or my relationship and that he had no room to talk since he abandoned me in the 1st place. He went on to say that I don't respect anyone not even myself and that my mother was the real problem and that it wasn't his fault for not being around.
I told him it was on both him and my mom as parents and they both failed me. I brought up how nothing can ever be his fault and he cant admit when hes wrong or fucking up. I told him I didn’t want to be a part of a family where I was required to hide myself for the sake of others and that I think it was best if the only interaction we had from now on would just be him giving me the money that was promised. He tried to tell me I was crazy for saying things like that, I told him I feel like I’m not respected either, I brought up the fact that I’m trans again and that I go by Aaron and that he has made no move to even try and be supportive with that. I asked him what he was going to do once I transitioned.
A bit after that he said he was uncomfortable with all of it and that he was trying but he doesn't understand how I want to be a boy and that im like a boy and that he doesn't ever want to meet my partner and see us together and that he was sorry but he loved me and would be there for me when I needed.
I told him he could be doing a lot more than just being uncomfortable he could educate himself, joining pflag or something. of course this was ignored.
I told him that all I want is for him to be a decent father and give me the money I need for school and that once I have that I’m done with him and that he can have a gay free life. he agreed.
I told him I was sorry I came from him, that I gave him a chance to begin with, I hate that we have the same genes, that we look similar. I’m worried I’ll look more like him once I transition.
I hate him. and I’m glad to be rid of him. But it just hurts because I just want to be me and happy but everyone in my life just leaves. Even you. I have no parents, no one I could count on. Its lonely and it hurts. it hurts that he can just keep abandoning me and making it seem like its not on him. He gets to walk away from this cuz I’m trans. last time he could blame my mother.
Anyway I miss you. I miss the idea of you even more. love ya. - aaron.
