i'm going to savour this

don't worry about it being a fair fight. it's never a fair fight. rae . 29 . any prns .

[hiskillingjar]

🩷 no minors! please put ur age (or 18+) in a bio or pinned post 🩷

i'm rae, i'm 29, i'm a tme she/any/all, kinky and creepy girlfag who's into violence, erotica, snuff porn and sadomasochism.

i mostly write drabbles and quick headcanon posts for horror games (mostly btd). i crosspost on ao3 as kinkyandcreepy sometimes.

if you want to see something specific, you can always commission me

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[hiskillingjar]

hey! I JUST NOTICED UR BLOG THEME, i love it so much :3

could u maybe make a short-ish comfort fic ab (ykmet) strade nd ren with an MC who struggles with SH? i mean no shit strade wouldnt do anything positive ab it but it'd be cute to know what he would do :DD

thank you! i've found that there as many pink girls (gender neutral) into btd as there are grody girls...what a lovely mix of contradictions :3

soooooo self harm. i'm not sure how to put strade and ren into a fic about it, so i'll do a headcanon post

ren 🦊

ren is oddly well adjusted for being the way he is, so he's never had the impulse to hurt himself

he has bad coping mechanisms, obviously, but he's bee hurt by others so much, why would his coping manifest as wanting to hurt himself?

this would mean if an mc cut themselves or if he found past scars, he's be, mostly, concerned

he wouldn't like knowing something had made you feel so upset or hopeless that you'd do that to yourself! what if you really got hurt!

if you did it in his care, he'd probably be a little hurt and offended

like. am i not doing a good enough job? why are you so unhappy? what could i possibly do that's any better?

so while he'd initially be concerned, he'd then use it against you :3

you're so sensitive, you have to cut when you're even a little upset. you don't even do it that deep. there are easier ways to ask for my attention, you know?

you'd find out he was secretly jerking it to cut pictures after the fact and feel weird about it

law 🥀

LAW IS CURRENTLY CHOPPING IT UP!!!!!

law loves to cut themselves, it's like a fucking hobby of theirs

they feel so little all the time, and are so absent from their body that they need to feel something just to ground themselves

and maybe they cut too deep on occasion. not like it matters. they'll all heal the same way anyway

so knowing an mc also cuts might inspire a sense of uh. worrying kinship from law. like...you're like me, kinda deal

you'd cut together and bleed together and bleed into each other's wounds and give each other diseases. how romantic!

not even competitive about it. they'll help you get to the point where you can cut deeper. it's okay, you're just trying and starting out

you bleed so pretty. dont you want to bleed some more?

please?

strade 🔨

a gift fic for being patient and nice <3

i also think gato has answered this before so i'll try to recall what she said about it

similarly to ren, the impulse is just kind of...beyond him, that he can't really understand why someone would do it

like he has a masochistic edge to him, but that likes the thrill of a fight or a fuck, not wallowing in sadness and like. listening to the smiths

he'd be more interested then ren though, out of his dark empathy thing. why would you do that? why are you fighting me to live if you hate your life so much? that's interesting

and naturally he'd want to get involved. watch you do it. cut deeper. here, i'll help you if you need it <3

as for self harming in the past. he might be a little jealous about those old cuts

you did all his work for him and he didn't even get a chance to enjoy it!

but you know what they say about cutting old scars right? how painful it's supposed to be

let's do something to celebrate our new life together...one where you don't have to do all the cutting by yourself!

[hiskillingjar]

thanks for being patient. here's strade mocking your self harm cuts

1000+ words. contains self harm and someone being a dick about it, but i know you guys are freaks who like that. eat up.

"Hey, buddy! You doing alright in there?"

You jerked upright at the sound of Stade's knuckles rapping on the bathroom door and his voice calling out for you. He wasn’t the type of guy who would come checking on you for being in the bathroom too long, so you were surprised enough that your razor dropped from your fingers and fell to the linoleum floor, landing with a splat of blood.

"I-I'm fine," You called back, grabbing a handful of toilet roll and holding the scrunched-up tissue to your bloody wrist, suppressing a hiss when the rough fibres teased the open wound. "Be out in a minute!"

"Hm, alright," Strade hummed noncommittally, not believing you (he never believed you), his voice low, as if he were trying to be quiet and contemplative.

While you fussed over your wrist, the doorknob twisted slightly, and he jerked the door forward, letting out a small grunt when he found it to be locked.

He'd been meaning to get rid of the lock on the bathroom.

"Hey," He then said again, slower this time, not in a way that sounded particularly demanding or angry, just... curious, in the deadly way he so often was. Like a scientist noticing an anomaly in an otherwise perfect experiment, or a predator toying with its food. "Open the door."

You pressed your lips together, not liking the tone of his voice.

"I'm...really fine," You called out again, squeezing the tissue against your wrist (making it sting even more).

Strade exhaled through his nose, a soft sound that almost sounded disappointed.

"Buddy," He said, totally calm.

A pause.

Then: "You know I don't ask twice."

Another beat of silence stretched between the two of you, as thick and suffocating as wet cotton stuffed in your ears (the cotton that blurred the harsh edges of this entire situation, made it bearable, stopped you from going totally insane and swallowing the razor instead of using it on your wrists).

You swallowed tightly, removing the tissue from your wrist (biting your lip so you didn't yelp as it clung to coagulating blood) and standing to answer the door and peek your head around it.

"See, look?” You said with a weak smile. “Totally fine."

"Totally fine?" Strade repeated, his voice eerily light. He shoved you out of the way without any effort and stepped forward into the bathroom, crowding into your space the second the door cracked open.

His eyes dropped to your wrist instantly, sharp, calculating. 

Not surprised. Not shocked.

Just...interested.

Curious.

He wrapped his fingers around your wrist then, wrenching it up to his eye level with an inquisitive look in his golden eyes and a raised eyebrow. It was probably bad that his bemused nonchalance was a welcome (if slightly concerning) change of reaction to what you normally got from him.. 

“Why did you do this, exactly?” He asked, looking at you in the eye and tilting his head.

"Mmf-" You grunted as he squeezed your wrist, biting your lip as blood drooled down your arm and towards the crook of your elbow. "It's...it's not a big deal, I just-"

"Ah, scheiße," Strade muttered under his breath as the blood drooled over his fingers and landed on the bathroom floor, along with the razor. His grip tightened just slightly, not enough to hurt you more (he was careful with that, he only hurt you in specific places and with specific tools), but enough to turn your wrist so he could inspect the cuts better.

"You're lying," He said flatly. "This is a big deal."

He looked at you, his golden-light eyes studying your face like an X-ray machine peering through bone and flesh and straight into whatever mess was churning in your skull right now.

"Why,” He said again, drawling out his words in a condescending manner. “Did you do it?"

"I...it's what I always do.” You replied quietly, keeping your eyes on the bathroom floor, now covered in spots of red, blood on tile (so much better than on the unfeeling concrete). “W-When I feel bad like this. So I can feel something. So I can feel in control of something.”

Strade exhaled slowly, his breath warm against your face as he leaned in slightly. 

"Control?" He echoed, tilting his head like a curious animal examining something it didn't quite understand. "You think cutting yourself gives you control?” He pulled back, mulling it over in his head before he grinned. “Well...that's pretty stupid, buddy."

His thumb brushed over your wound absentmindedly, smearing blood across your skin.

Because it was so easy to hurt you, he did it without even thinking.

"Ah-" You whimpered through your tight lips, shivering as he pressed his thumb down on the worst of your cuts. 

You couldn't say anything to defend yourself. You knew he would just find a way to use it against you and hurt you even further. 

"Control is a funny thing, isn't it?" He continued, his voice light and conversational as he pressed more force into your cuts, making the yonic little wound gasp around his probing flesh. "Those who have it don't want it, and those who want it...well, they'll cut themselves for a taste of it, hm?"

"I won't do it again," You murmured, clenching your fists against his chest, peering up at him. "Please, I won't, just...just stop-"

"Yeah, I know you won't," He replied, his voice deceptively soft as he rubbed his thumb up and down the cut again and again, opening up the flayed skin and hearing you shriek and your limbs curl from the pain of it. "Cus if I catch you doing it again, I'm gonna want to watch."

Strade then pressed harder against you, forcing your back against the bathroom door and sliding a knee between your trembling legs.

You squeezed your eyes shut, hating yourself when your core started to ache at the motion.

You wished your hand had slipped and you’d cut deeper.

Better than living like this.

"And you know I'm not going to be satisfied with your cat scratches, liebe. I'll want to see something a little more…impressive."

[hiskillingjar]

tagged by: @apogee-atrophy, thank you!

Last song i listened to: symphony by dorian electra. stream dorian 4eva.

Favorite color:

Currently watching: steins;gate

Current obsession: the vampire chronicles, doll collecting, selling all my possessions so i can buy dolls and anime figures

Working on: my phd on goths in horror movies :>

Last thing i searched: "spotify" and "pink vampire aesthetic" for the above

tagging: anyone who wants to do this!

[hiskillingjar]

do you have any other ideas with Lawrence and dead things...? Or any grosser ideas with law you haven't written yet.

i'm very interested to use law to explore those grosser ideas, albeit a little more introspectively. back in october, i actually had a scat prompt that i thought might suit law, and i'm eager to write more necrophilia and icky grossness too. there's something very freeing about writing through them :)

[hiskillingjar]

do you think that ren hana would like someone that dresses in "morute" fashion?

btw I love Ur new blog theme!! it's cuteee >w< hope you're doing fine! xoxo

thank you! the pink phase has long been dormant and now she's back with a vengeance!! maybe my tastes in murder men will shift too...remains to be seen. ANYWAY!!! morute...mama let's research

ren 🦊

as the fashion-conscious member of the boys (gender neutral), i think ren is sort of attracted to any heavy aesthetic preference

like he's the one with the pinterest board, he's racking up credit card debt buying shit, he cares about this stuff

so if you had a specific aesthetic you dressed along with, he'd be delighted! goth, egirl, kawaii, jfashion, lolita, he'd be obsessed whatever it was

and naturally, the cuter and more feminine the better <3

he'd adore big, fluffy skirts and blouses, he'd love bloomers under the skirt, and he wouldn't even be self-conscious if your platforms made you taller than him! everyone should be looking at you!

maybe he wouldn't understand the deeper messaging behind the outfits, but he'd still enjoy it for superficial reasoning

he'd definitely like jirai and cutecore aesthetics too (especially the latter, he'd be so down for that)

and like. this isn't restricted to fem MCs as well...boys can dress cute too, even if they don't think they can <3

lawrence 🥀

oh law loves this shit

unlike ren, law would be in on the whole ethel cain, hell is a teenage girl, girlblogging side of it

definitely runs a pining side blog where they reblog stuff like this with dead animals and blackout poetry (me too girl)

if a partner dressed that way, they'd love it

all flowy and light fabric, really angelic and gentle appearing hiding the dark underneath. they'd appreciate the subtle beauty of it all

and white looks so pretty spotted with dirt, blood, rot...and flows so beautifully in stagnant water

freezer bride <3

strade 🔨

👍

very surface-level appreciation. anything that shows a bit of skin, he'll enjoy, but doesn't go much deeper then that

man's simple! nothing wrong with that. WHATEVER!

[stradewife]

I DREW PROFESSOR STRADE HEHHEEHH🤤 (AU and design made by @starhund1)

[youremystump]

[arsiimustdie]

[f1nalb0y22]

Here you go, Ren fans 🫶

[hiskillingjar]

hi rae! how are you? what have you been up to?

hiiii i'm good thank you for asking! i'm prepping for a big move and winding down on my phd (my last chapter is being submitted this month!), so i have a lot of big adult stuff happening rn, but i stay silly :3

i'm back to writing a bit lately, so i'm tip-toeing back here without much committment. we'll see how things go!

[hiskillingjar]

New blog theme is cuuuuuuuteeee :3

[hiskillingjar]

>the forcefem tag isnt for you

>look inside

>textbook forcefem

and i love it!! i love bambi bimbo sissy hypnosis!! but we need to be honest with ourselves and recognise that forcefem is never going to be entirely removed from these misogynistic, transphobic and bioessentialist roots popularised by "cis" men, even if the girls are reclaiming it

if you recognise and understand why a fetish might be popular with cis men, i don't think it's bizarre to say that it might also be popular with trans men! and there's nothing wrong with that!!

[hiskillingjar]

your forcefem pieces feed me. every one adds ten years to my life

i'll never stop!! everyone will be a cute girl forever and ever!!!

[youremystump]

yeah sure ill post this

[youremystump]

cleaned up magma doodle

[hiskillingjar]

forcefem is such a lovely nasty little kink. nurturing and sweet, finding the woman inside of someone and letting it blossom. rough and mean, forcing a boy, a man, to take the pain of domineering patriarchy, not good enough to truly be masculine like his peers. dolls, daughters, sisters, wives, housewives, girlfriends. ugh <3