ππππππππ ππππππ
β ππππ π.ππππ - π.π. π.ππππ
β πππππππ: reader has a nightmare during the night and wakes up screaming. nikolai comforts her like only he can.
β πππππππ: nikolai lantsov x fem!healer
β πππππππππ: yes
β ππππππππ: mentions of trauma
β ππππ πππππ: 856
Being a healer had its perks, obviously. Many wanted to be one, being able to heal everyone and save so many lives daily, always on the front lines helping those in need. But being a healer wasn't just about saving. It was mostly about losing.
All those lives you couldn't save, all those eyes you saw die out in front of you, all those injuries you could have healed if only you'd have arrived a moment sooner.
You knew it was normal, you knew you couldn't possibly save every single person, and yet it was impossible not to blame yourself.
Thankfully, Nikolai had always been beside you, comforting you; your own personal healer. He wasn't grisha and yet he was more powerful than you could have ever been: he had the ability to make you forget, even for just a moment, all the pain you couldn't prevent, all the death you couldn't stop.
Sometimes it was a joke, sometimes it was a hug, sometimes it was even just a look, but it always worked. He always managed to make you feel better, to soothe you when the guilt became too much.
But Nikolai couldn't always be there: at night, when you had no control over your dreams, those dreams became nightmares, making you relive every single painful memory you had gone through, every single life you had lost. And Nikolai wasn't there.
You could have gone over to him, knocked on his door. He would have never minded, welcoming you in with some teasing remark only to envelop you in his arms and never let go.
But you never did, you never bothered him. You didn't have the courage to burden him with your thoughts, so you kept them to yourself until they became too many, until they became too heavy and you couldn't control them anymore.
But that night you'd awoken with your heart beating out of your chest, sweat coating your face and your palms. You sat up in your bed, trying to calm your heartbeat but you couldn't; despite the similarities, you weren't a heartrender. You couldn't force your heart to slow down.
A few moments passed and you got up, putting on your robe. You took a few steps around the room, hoping it would help you. Walking usually cleared your mind but that night it all seemed useless. You were hopeless, your heart heavy and your mind hazy.
But then a knock. A knock and new worries replaced the precedent: had you woken someone up? Had you been too loud? Was someone in need? Were you late once again?
You walk, almost run to the door, but it opens before you can put your hand on the handle. In rushes a disheveled Nikolai, hair not as tidy as it usually was, eyes still sleepy despite the obvious concern. He had just woken up.
"Are you okay?" He asked as he put his hands on your shoulders, tense as ever. "I heard you screaming."
You tried to hide your own panic: you'd never had come to that. You'd never screamed in a dream, you'd never awoken so abruptly, and you'd never awoken someone else with you.
"I'm fine," you hurried, hoping you would calm him down and let him go back to sleep, but as you forced a smile, a stubborn tear ran down your cheek.
You didn't wipe it away, hoping he wouldn't notice it in the darkness of the room. But he did. Of course he did.
His expression softened, a gentle hand coming up to cup your cheek and wipe the tear away. His eyes bore into yours with a seriousness and a softness you'd never had the pleasure to experience.
"It's not your fault, you know?" He whispered, the corners of his lips lifting in a small smile.
You smiled back despite yourself. "Then whose fault is it? All that death?"
"You haven't caused it, Y/n."
"Not preventing it is just as bad," you answered, voice cracking slightly but you didn't mind it.
"Not preventing it would mean you didn't put the effort," he continued so simply. "But you do put in the effort. Every single day. In every single thing. Even just putting up with me requires copious amount of effort and you try harder than anyone in all of Ravka, Y/n."
You chuckled, looking down.
"Without you, there would be no Ravka." He said so solemnly you could see in his eyes the sparkle of the king, the courage and loyalty he inspired as sovereign. "And without you, there would be no me either. Because i couldn't make it without you, that's for sure."
"It's me that couldn't make it without you, Nik," you confessed.
"Then it's extremely lucky that we found each other, isn't it?"
He had that smirk, that irresistible and fun tone of his. That tone that no matter the state you were in, no matter how angry and no matter how sad, it made you smile. It made you forget. It healed you completely.
"Never leave me then?"
He caressed your cheek one more time. "Only a fool would, lovely."
nikolai taglist - @henqtic @wh0re4blaise @sanctimoniousslytherpuff @maybesandohnos @youreso-golden @beforeoursunsets @o-rion-sta-r @mollysolo @dlmmdl @chaoticgirl04 @badass-yn @peachybaes @dracomalfoys-wh0re @dreamcxtcherr @gwlvr @aleksanderwh0r3 @antideppresants @miraclesoflove @tartheanmaid @amourslover @i-love-scott-mccall @just-wordsandthoughts @onyourgoddamnleft @im-constantly-fangirling-backup @if-only-i-was-fictional @s1xthirty @etanordoesbullsh1t
[if your name is crossed out, check your privacy settings! if you don't want to be tagged anymore, tell me!]
