again and again.

when bad things happen, I know you want to believe they are a joke, but sometimes life is scary and dark. that is why we must find the light.

[holykoalaglitter]

12.25 Christmas

Christmas Eve was actually great! I was invited out by a member of my fitness studio. I had a blast. I met a cute guy in a shirt with paint drops. Gave him my number on some matches. I had sent out a handful of Christmas texts. Oh did I menation the unending text messages from my ex. I swear he is seven years young. He is so immature. So I got harassed for a while. Prolly a good 15 texts. 5 voicemails. And a partridge in a pear tree. On Christmas once I got back to the apartment I got to be yelled at about how I'm the worse person alive basically. Victor is giving me "I am no longer interested signals," I could be paranoid and also it could just be he is waiting till I am really done with De wayne. I'm tired it's late and I was just harassed some more before bed. It is just never ending.

[holykoalaglitter]

12.20 After the Christmas Party

Victor... Im a fool for you. Just a little bit of your heart is all I want. I wanna run -- smash in to you. You think your all about me, but I am all about you! Cause hey baby baby I got it so bad. No more feeling alone. Trying hard not to bruise it. I say if forever is gonna last we better walk the same direction. I want you for so long. Tell me if it is so wrong if we fall in love. You love is as bright as ever even in the shadows. Your heart is glowing. And I am crashing into you. Baby kiss me before the lights out. Is it crazy that I want you? Is it crazy I say your name more times than I say my own? Is it crazy? Cause I haven't been myself. Is it crazy all I miss is you. Crazy cause it blowing my mind. How someone can walk into your life and change it. Is it crazy I told my ex don't call cause I am in love? Cause if it is then I will just be crazy for you!!

You could not come to my party. That's fine I suppose. But you barely text me. I can't help but think your not as passionate as me. I am all about you. You are all I think about. I am hooked on a feeling. 

[holykoalaglitter]

12.17 I invited him

Things with my ex have been the same. They suck. I hate the situation. We don't get along. We will most likely not speak after all this for quite sometime. Most days I hate him. I finally asked my crush to my christmas party. He has plans. He hasn't said much to me. Maybe he is unsure. I miss him. That has not changed. I am so close to getting my own apartment. My ex is freaking out cause he thinks I will have my guy over while I house sit. Maybe I will. But I will prolly not ask him to come over. He would have to text me. I waited so long to invite him to the christmas party. 

[holykoalaglitter]

12.6 Not feeling motivated

I have two options: 1. I can go to a co-workers art show 2. I can go to an ex-coworkers ex-coworkers going away party. And no that wasn't an accidental repeat. In reality all I would like to do is see my guy. But what I am actually going to do is get stoned and fall asleep. So that way I am one day closer to being out on my own. No more living with my ex-boyfriend. Oh and he mentioned just letting me do what cause the level of unhappy is out of control. I wonder why we are both so  unhappy. Not a mystery. If he let me do what I want at this point in time, I would most likely take him as my +1 to my work Christmas Party.

[holykoalaglitter]

Here’s how I played in 2014. How did you play? spotify.com/2014 #Spotify2014

[holykoalaglitter]

12.4 My dream last night

So I woke up from this dream last night. Spent the day trying to make sense of it all. I met this guy who had a beautiful dick and all I wanted to do was suck it. Like it was out of control, a thirst that could not be quenched which then turned into me missing this guy who I have a huge crush on. I finally got to see him after so long being a apart and I could barely look at him and he was right in front of me our lips only inches away and I could barely touch his lips before I started balling my eyes out cause I missed him so much. 

So I miss this guy and maybe I am feeling sexually unsatisfied. Sounds about right. I haven't had sex in more than a month. And it has been five days since I jerked off. 

[holykoalaglitter]

12.3 Christmas music is here -- but your not

Ughhh.... it is that time of year. The time where shopping endlessly is okay, coming together with family and friends, and lastly spending time with your special someone. Mistletoe, cuddles, hot cocoa. All I want to do is be in his arms and watch Christmas movies and bake cookies and get fat haha. I want to get a Christmas tree and have him watch me decorate it. I like it a certain way. He could help. And then we would cuddle more, and have Christmas sex and open presents.

Instead I am living with my ex. In a nightmareish hell. Stuck doing things I don't want. Not allowed to hang out with people I want to hang out with. Can't even talk to my guy. Forced interactions, forced hanging out. Fake emotions. February can't get here fast enough. I am told not to waste any day but take it as a gift. But how can I.

[holykoalaglitter]

Haha pretty funny!

[holykoalaglitter]

The story of my life. I have an ex who I live with because I decided to break up with him because I did not love him and all along had feelings growing for someone I never even took the time to get to know or accept. Now I am saving every dollar to get out of here. Meanwhile I am being controlled and told what I can and can not do since I caused all the problems. Pretty fucked up. I just want out of here!

[holykoalaglitter]

11.30.14 Fifteen actions that lead to today

Ever thought about the most recent choices you made and how you got where you were today. Well these are the choices I made that led to today.

Starting summer 2013 when my boyfriend dumped me...

1. I feel into a depression and lost my job

2. With no job and no direction I decide to join the NAVY. I went through all steps and signed an 8 year contract as Aviation Boatswain's Mates.

3. Spent the summer homeless on the streets as I was going into the NAVY in November and I collected unemployment.

4. Found out about one month before that my contract was null and void due to an arrest that happened that past February.

5.  Found out my first love had cancer -- a situation in which we both believed we were each other soul mates. 

6. Packed my suitcase and made arrangements to move back home to my parents in Michigan so I could be with him.

7. Met 2 people in the same month just before leaving. One was a guy trying to make it in the music scene who I spent Halloween with and played back-up dancer for. The second was a retired business man from Vancouver with a lot of life experience. 

8. Found that my love back home did not need me, there was little room for me. Took the retired business man up on his offer at a life with him in his home.

9. Put the music scene guy in my back pocket and made the most of life with the business man.

10. Realized I wasn't able to love him. Felt as this was a choice due to the break up that happened almost a year ago. 

11. Broke up and told him I had feeling for someone else -- but that my feelings were not important and minuscule. 

12. Realized I was deceiving myself since day one and that I had fallen in "love" with this guy and never wanted to admit it or pursue it. 

13. Had gotten kicked out again. Made a 360 at this point. Again back on the streets. 

14. The business man reconsidered and took me back in so I could save my money and get out on my own. But this came with sacrifice.

15. Had to cut out the music scene guy. The guy who I have grown to adore. The guy who I am infatuated with. The guy who I "love." 

[holykoalaglitter]

Today I brought my pup to work. It rained a lot yesterday so he did not get much exercise. This morning it snowed. But inside it is dino-time!

[holykoalaglitter]

11.29.14 The day before the 30th

Great title I know. But it does have some meaning. I am going to start implementing some of my new year resolutions. I am big into new years resolutions. The first two are as follows:

1. No pornography. Probably not a big deal to most -- what is the harm in watching it. Well I watch it at least once a day on average sometimes like three times and jerk off. But what if that effects my sex life? I find myself need to explore more and more. So I think I am going to be my own pornstar that is my goal moving forward no more watching porn. However if someone asks me to watch it with them that is different and always acceptable :)

2. I call this new plan the "(My guys name here) Body." So I have this guy usually referenced as my guy, well I have a huge crush on him. Something I believe is much more than a crush. We are prohibited to see each other as long as I live under the same roof as the departed. So being a personal trainer I wrote up an 11 week plan to get into the best possible shape I can by the week of 2.8.15

[holykoalaglitter]

My first drawings recreated on Adobe Illustrator. The bottom one is of Tuxedo Mask. The top one is Tyler. My first love, my first everything. 

[holykoalaglitter]

[holykoalaglitter]

Final product! I did this with adobe illustrator. This is only my third drawing I have ever taken and redid it in a digital format.

[holykoalaglitter]

So this is a mash-up I did of my guy. This is the progress photos not the finished product. I went through all his Facebook pictures to find the best ones. I came up with these four. Going through his pictures made me fall for him all over again.

[holykoalaglitter]

Sometimes life doesn't make sense but love seems to make it all feel so simple. I accept that at this point it may not be "real" love but I feel something inside me I haven't felt in a long while and I am choosing to embrace it.  (I am on the left btw)