high hopes

[hopechandlersmith]

With all the things to remember about how to have a good life. It’s hard for it not to make your head spin. I know, not to compare myself to anyone. I know I’m made by the creator of the universe with intention, and that the way I am is remarkable especially in His careful hands and intervention. I know that individualistic ideals can be detrimental to a full life and working for the Glory of God and the Good of mankind is worth fighting for. I know I don’t need to try to be something I’m not and operate outside of my gifts. If I am a clam I need to be a clam…it is absolutely fruitless for me to try to be an Octopus. However, and being fully and freely my Clam self is very very Glorious.

My little self I think is actually maybe more like an Octopus and I have lots and lots and lots of ideas, huge dreams and curiosities.

God has been ripping away at lots of bad motives and pride and various other character problems I have…including a tendency to dip in and out of depression.

But I know, that He’s big and good. I know that He can use me for good, good, good, good. And even though I have suffered for 20+ years… He promised that all things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

[hopechandlersmith]

My story and my hope is in God’s hands. Who knows and loves me. I’m not alone and I am chosen. God has a good plan for me and he always has.

[hopechandlersmith]

Live within your means. But don’t always be looking for something to beat yourself up about. Take it easy on yourself. God’s not mad at you. Ask Him for what you need.

[hopechandlersmith]

You don’t have to get swept away in other people’s plans. Their ideas and plans aren’t automatically better than yours. You have a say. You have a voice. Think about it for a second if you need to. Communicate. You don’t have to default. You just started realizing that…since you were 7, you’ve believed that you weren’t as good as others, that you weren’t as capable. Maybe give yourself some grace while you learn to believe that you ARE capable and amazing.

[hopechandlersmith]

When you catch a glimpse of something you don’t normally see…in my case…a bustling elementary school morning with announcements and classrooms full, or my brother’s family routine in the morning because I decided to randomly spend the night…don’t let it fill you with a sense of all you have missed out on or are missing…but just let it show you something interesting and perhaps where more interest lies and carpe diem.

[hopechandlersmith]

The lilies of the field

Once, as I was backing out of the drive way, I got angry as I noticed that everything was beautifully green.  Hadn’t just the day before, everything been dead and brown??? I shook my fist at God.  How could all of nature turn it around so quickly, while I suffered with anxiety and depression...for 20 years. When was I going to blossom?  

“He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me.”

[hopechandlersmith]

Living

I knew this but I guess I forgot. I read the Bible bc I felt like it's something I'm supposed to do. But, really, read the Bible...so you can learn about God, how He feels about you and then LIVE in the freedom of that truth. Not just read it so you will know the Bible. That's useless. But living in freedom....what a light to yourself and the world around you. It is for freedom Christ set us free.

[hopechandlersmith]

Brain Trust

I like to sit alone at a table with four chairs. I imagine that the Father, Son, Holy Spirit are there with me. And I call it the "brain trust" (like the janitor meetings from the TV show scrubs). Its sweet, helps me to picture God and know I'm not alone.

[hopechandlersmith]

morning hugs

I’m not a morning person.  I don’t know what that’s like.  My sister in law said “their 8 am is like our midnight”.  I, on the best day, wake up slowwww. 

I wake up kind of mopey too unfortunately.  Like why isn’t every day like Christmas morning or Disney trip day?  What the crap do I have to look forward to today? Well......

I have asked God’s sweetness, presence, and whatever surprise goodness or adventure He provides to be my daily Disney.  I have Him to look forward to. Always.  In however He appears. Even if that means some lesson or discipline. Bring it. 

[hopechandlersmith]

This is how we do it....

A few weeks ago I prayed that I would know God’s love for me more.  I have asked Him to show me His love more and more clearly.  I can tell a difference.  A difference in the ease at which I relate to him.  I have just wanted to sit and tell Him everything. Close my eyes and imagine Him beside me holding my hand and teaching me like the dad he is.  I tell him about my day and what hurt and what I am terrible at and sorry for.  Thank Him for what was precious about the day.  Basically I don’t just sit down and try to cram bible in my brain only to discover that the next day when I sit down to do it again I have no idea what I read the day before.  I still read.  Its just not as much pressure.  Like if I don’t feel like i can read right then.  I don’t.  I’ll talk to “pop” first and then figure out what I need to learn.  Writing down what I did read when I read though helps me refresh it a little quicker when I come back to it.  I also bought a teeny note book but like 5 star with pockets (it’s about 4 x 6 or so) and I write down bible passages in there.   I only write the bible verse on the front side of the page and on the back side of the page I write prayer requests. I like writing the words.  Its comforting and then its such a nice quick reference and the prayer often is related to the verse.   I also have another regular size five star notebook where I write my devotional thoughts and God dialogue in and I date that and I have started to have one single subject notebook/year. 

[hopechandlersmith]

I just want to ride bikes with you....

I struggle with guilt. When I became a Christian, I thought I would become like Christ overnight. I thought I would be good and perfect and peaceful and happy.... It hasn't happened like that at all. All these characteristics have to grow. But....Jesus recently gave me the idea that becoming like Jesus is like a dad teaching his child to ride a bike. You will fall down. But He's teaching you out of love not hatred. He Isn't going to beat you when you fall down. He's going to pick you up and help you try again. And again and again until you can ride.

[hopechandlersmith]

Before and After

I can divide my life into two parts now.   Before i understood that God loved me.  And after I learned how He did. 

Before: Every single day.  From the second I woke up....I measured.  How good was I yesterday.  Was I good enough?  Was I not?  Every day pretty much the same conclusion.  I could have done better.  All through the day it was oops, I messed up there, oops I forgot to that, oops I didn’t say the right thing, oops....

The guilt that I would feel would tear me apart.  I tried so hard to be good and to do right and I COULD NOT.  I can not be that good.  I am not that GOOD!  So I measured the good and the bad and the alright and the awful and everyday got a real messed up picture of what it took to be accepted by God.  This was emotionally wrecking.  Highs when I performed well, crushing lows when I didn’t.  It was horrible. Finally I just prayed God please.   I can’t stand this anymore.  I need some emotional stability. Some how.

His answer was teaching me about love.   Actually taking Him at His word when He said...I WILL NEVER.  Not ever.  For one second, under any circumstances, for any reason leave you or abandon you.  I won’t no matter what,  I promise.  The promise that I made to love you will not be changed.  No matter what. I have made an oath to care for you and give you peace.  Nothing can or will ever separate you from how much I love and care about you.   (bible verses paraphrased for emphasis) 

so in light of those things....

After: Just be you Hope.  Be at ease.  Be free.  Have fun.  Just live and love and do your best and know that here in my arms you are safe and so loved.  You don’t have to be afraid of anything.  You don’t have to fear my disappointment or my punishment.  I am ALWAYS good, just and perfect and you can trust me. 

Everything is mine.  I hold everything together, you can relax.  Let go.  Release all you try to control into my incredibly, inconceivably capable hands. 

[hopechandlersmith]

Magic

What Jesus has done in my life is magic. It’s real magic. Miraculous. It’s more incredible than any fiction. I could never imagined that I could become someone I was proud to be. Someone who made good choices and cared for others. God made me this person. Sometimes kicking and screaming He MADE me. He made me over. He made me over again. He let me know deep indescribable pain….so horrible that I did not know how I would survive. I barely survived. I barely lived to say these things. But He held on to me….and I helddddd on to Him. (With the dear help from my beyond wonderful family, counsellors, psychiatrists, medicine, my sweet church and praying friends, my parents sweet praying friends and one very special prayer partner) About ten years of Getting to where I am today….

I can feel Him so clearly now. I can lay on the couch and all of a sudden feel like I zoom out and I am in the presence of magnitude that even though I’m inside, I get a sense, like I am staring at a vast open sky. And I can sense His holiness. He’s so big. And so near. …..that He would draw close to me, to make me like Him. That I could begin to be like Him. Kind. And whole. Loving. And peaceful. Holy. No words can ever describe the gratitude. It has been worth every second.

“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” ‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:17-18‬ ‭ESV‬‬ http://bible.com/59/2co.4.17-18.esv

[hopechandlersmith]

a little more a little further still

I have come so far but I cant quite remember everywhere I have been,  I really find it hard to fathom that a person can have so many character flaws.  But it is true, I do.  

I am going to attempt to go back over my journey to fully appreciate everything that the Lord has done in me.  I don’t want to miss the details of the change He has made.  

Today on the way home from a simple but frustrating day, I just was so sad that I had over planned my day.   I couldn’t possibly fit in what I thought I would. And I set myself up for disappointment. (again)  I was frustrated that I (again) had to learn a lesson again.  I am a slow learner, unfortunately. Se la vie!!   annny whoo. These are the tweaks Jesus continues to make in me.  HE will teach me to number my days so that I may get a heart of wisdom.  He will show me how to not over extend myself and do what I can do, with out unreachable expectations, so that I can be happy with what I was able to get done and leave the rest for another day.  

[hopechandlersmith]

Lord please keep making me...

A little while ago, I prayed that God would make me more emotionally stable.  

I came to realize that not knowing God loved me, really loved me, was the reason for my instability. The heavy guilt I felt after each mistake would cause me to spiral down and I would have to pick myself up and try to put myself back together.  This sad cycle would happen about once every two weeks.   I also misunderstood that I was supposed to be good.  So when I wasn’t “good”  I was extremely disappointed in myself and thought God must be too.  The truth however is that I am not good.  Only God is good.  He is not moved by my failure because he never loved me because I was good.  He loved me in spite of my being very very bad.  

Also in that same lesson I realized, more, that when I accepted Jesus as my savior, God looked at me and said....”This is my beloved daughter in who I am well pleased.”  Jesus’ sacrifice for me made it possible for me to be pleasing to God. Jesus’ love and righteousness, relationship with God and His perfect sinless identity became mine through salvation.   Beginning to really know these things has helped me tremendously to not feel so up and down and all over the place, constantly measuring weather I have been good enough.  Because the answer is always no.  i am not good enough.  Jesus was and is and He is the source of my stability.  Thank God.  

[hopechandlersmith]

In the same breath

God I'll never be good enough for you. I'll never love you enough. But I love you Lord. I'm sorry I am not perfect like you but I want to be. I want to be dear to your heart. I want you to hold me. I want to find shelter in the shadow of your wings. I want to treat other people like Jesus would. Thank you Lord for saving me and making me your daughter and prized possession. You alone make me dwell in peace and safety. I need you Lord. Be near to me.

[hopechandlersmith]

I'm a good girl :)

I think I am in the clear!!!!! for ten years I have been in trouble with the Lord it seems like. And of course He loves me and no He wasn't mad at me. But He did work on my hard hard hard to get me on the right path. I think I must have thought that I would always feel in trouble. But I'm so happy!!! I feel so free!! I feel so good. I think that God is like you are getting it sweet girl. I won't punish you forever. ....I'm looking like His girl! His sweet daughter! In so excited! I want to make Him proud of me! Hallelujah!!!!! Thank you my Father, my Lord, my Friend. I want you to be happy with me. To make you smile. To make your heart sing for joy. All honor and praise and glory to you God. You only are beautiful and good! Thank you for being my one and only. Thank you for the gifts of kindness and love you have given me in my family. Make me your servant Lord! I want to work for you with you forever! I want to set the captives free. Let all that is within me bless your holy name. Jesus Jehovah Abba