nightmare

i do not aspire to be a skillful writer, I just wish to pour out my agony or affection here amidst thousands of people doing the same.

[hopefulromanticlover]

i wish,

i wish i could pull you out from the river of sadness you're swimming into,

maybe the ocean I drown myself into will become visible to you

[hopefulromanticlover]

"I wonder, did they make me right? "

No, we all are flawed. But we still love each other, that's what makes us flawless.

[hopefulromanticlover]

last night, i was busy with my school work. I saw my mother sitting on the bed, reading a few old scrap pages which I assumed must be some important but old documents. She was smiling, I let her be. Suddenly she turns around and glances a wide smile at me, disclosing the letters in her hand my father sent her whenever she was out of town, in their early years of marriage. I would say, my eyes sparkled and I could feel the sudden excitement and just pure happiness in my chest as I suddenly got up and jumped right on the bed where she was. I saw those scrolls of love, in her hand, kept safely and cherished through all these years. For a moment, I could just look at them and feel satisfied that there was a time when my mother was blessed with happiness, that there was a time when her heart wasn't as hard as a stone. Reality is one bad bitch. The smile she had on her face, was just a flashback of a once cherished bond which no longer exists. Not because time changes or nothing lasts forever, but because my father chose something else for both of them. My mother developed thick skin over all these years since the day my father decided to rest his head on someone else's bed. I wouldn't say that I cannot imagine the pain, the betrayal she went through because I can. I can imagine, I don't need to imagine because I experienced it with her. She was not alone in it, I was there beside her all those nights when she couldn't cry her eyes out because her little daughter was fast asleep holding her. She let her throat get heavy because she could not let her little daughter experience what she was going through. She couldn't stop it,I felt it. I felt it right there. I knew how it felt, I was with her in the betrayal.

they say your parents' relationship defines a relationship for you in theory. It didn't, I hate being so optimistic. I hate feeling good after seeing those letters even after what I know had happened a few years back or what has been happening ever since. I hate believing in love so much even though I haven't seen any single pair of lovers in my life happy together. I hate being so delusional,but do I? Do I really hate being a romantic or a hopeful person?if yes,then why am I not ready to change? Because maybe I don't hate being like this, maybe it's just the encounters I had to deal with made me think I'm no good in reality?maybe I love being like this, maybe I love,love. However I let people in, I let people damage me from the inside so that I can feel something. Yet the happiest I have been is with dealing with my emotions even though I get vulnerable after every one of them. I am a little dramatic I'll agree to that.

I have strained relations with my mother now because she is not the same person she used to be or not the person she could have been by now if those unimaginable yet imaginable pain giving incidents hadn't happened in the past. Somehow, those letters made her happy and certainly made me happy acknowledging the happiness once felt long ago, and remembering a person she was.

I want to be happy, I don't want to develop thick skin like she did, I possibly can't. I'm vulnerable, and I like it.

[hopefulromanticlover]

let me be a hidden rose among the pages of your life,

you're my romantic novel.

[michaelbogild-deactivated202503]

The only way poetry can survive is if its practitioners embrace to the full that wonderful thing called competition.

[hopefulromanticlover]

competition brings limitations to those who just wish to express, not compete. Poetry, music, dance, as humans we have forgotten they are our natural hobbies and parts of life, I wish someone somewhere doesn't have to limit their expression in order to save themselves from the dangerous criticism and backlash of competition. <3

[hopefulromanticlover]

have you ever felt so free while falling that you did not feel the need to be careful? like you're falling into heaven's arms, nothing can hurt you? like you were created to be wrapped in those unreal emotions? like everything that comes in contact with you, seems utterly beautiful?

suddenly, the existence of moon and the stars seems justified, my existence feels worthwhile, all because of him.

[hopefulromanticlover]

//

i feel full,

full of everything I have been longing for, full of fearlessness to fall, full of my heart blooming in my chest like the hibiscus in my grandmother's garden, full of the connecting dots between my scars like they're vanishing, full of my urge to paint thy with colors radiating out of the warmth in me, full of numbness of all my senses except my heart, full of disability to accomplish expressing it all here, full of you

i feel full.

//

<//33

[hopefulromanticlover]

[hopefulromanticlover]

my unanswered affection for my mother is hanging on like a rope to the ceiling in my chest,

i stand on my hope, refusing to kick the table beneath

i have my father's tendency to hold on, where nothing and no one is present for me

i stand with the love in my hands that I lost for him, I gather it all and face you

so I'm sorry

I swear I'd love you a little less if I could.