Finn

[hopelessly-writing]

I wonder if you still think of me. if you see my face and check our old texts. I wonder if you stalk my pinterest like I do yours..every damn day. I wonder if you consider messaging me asking for me back. Or if all of this is some made up fantasy for me to cope. I love you always but that's never enough

[hopelessly-writing]

I still love you

I still think of your smile and the way you traced my scars

My handsome boy, my favorite view

I was yours you were mine, a permanent imprint on my soul

I can't get over you, in everything I see what was once ours

You hate me and it burns, like our love meant nothing despite it being months

My grief is infinite, all-consuming like a black hole

I want you back despite it not being possible, but to me you were my one and only

But I'll be fine with my unrequited love, even if it means im forever lonely

[hopelessly-writing]

Hearing my ex hates me, an ex that I'm not over stings. I still miss him, still love him, he's left a stamp on my soul. And to him? I'm nothing. Dirt under his shoe. It hurt's

[hopelessly-writing]

It's not fair. Not fair some people won't ever desire to be dead. Not fair not everyone has to struggle not to pick up a razorblades when they're bored. Not fair not everyone lacks motivation to live. I hate it, I just wish I was normal.

[hopelessly-writing]

Im better now, but I still consider suicide.

I long for a reset of my life that I fixed up. No amount of happiness could fix the dumb decisions, years of not trying, say I can fix it later, telling myself it won't effect my future.

I long for a reset, fixing my grades, not fucking around, not creating those disgusting fucking scars, eating till my stomach was full.

I long to die and try again

[hopelessly-writing]

You've defied the odds, broken all my patterns, and god damnit am I so grateful

[hopelessly-writing]

I give you all of me

My bad days, the nights I cry. You get to see the worst of me which is something I haven't even shown my longest friends.

You get my excitement, spam texting, jokes I'm too scared to make around everyone else. You get the most authentic of my happy moments.

You get my love, my attention, my emotions, my intensity, my body, my lips, my hands. You get everything

[hopelessly-writing]

He's going to be someone who is either the man I spend the rest of my life with or someone who tears my heart apart. God help me if he isn't with me forever

[depsidase]

[hopelessly-writing]

Finding out someone made a rumor, that you were telling people you slept with a friend is so shit. Even worse that I didn't know this was happening. STOP FUCKING WITH ME I SWTFG

[hopelessly-writing]

Why am I always the side kick friend?

My life revolves around you, always replaceable and always fucked over.

Abandoned always, no support, treated like shit.

I fucking hate life

[hopelessly-writing]

I'll always be that eleven year old with no friends being constantly bullied. You can take the girl out of the trauma but not the trauma out of the girl...

[hopelessly-writing]

FUCK YOU for making me hate myself. Thinking that your bullying fixed me and congratulating me for no longer being the weird kid. You didn't fix me you broke me. If I get any ounce of attention now I want to claw my skin off. I don't trust friends to not be talking shit about or praying on my downfall. You'd didn't fix me you ruined me

[hopelessly-writing]

"What have you gone through to think your life is shit, you're really lucky"

Uhh babes lucky people don't sh at 10, get sa'ed at 11, raped at 12, figure out they're adopted at 13, develop an ED at 14, go to a mental hospital at 15, and still be struggling at 16...

But hey thanks for the perspective IG

[hopelessly-writing]

I want a relationship. When I'm in one I don't.

I want the hugs, the texts, the nighttime calls. When I get that my only thought is "give me space".

I like being called your girlfriend, making our Pinterest board, the way you look at me across the room. Yet somehow when it finally happens I feel suffocated and disgusted.

I can't tell anymore if im ace anymore because you make me want that. But when you bring it up I view you as a horny monster.

I hate the hot and cold the on and off of my feelings. I desire that change, but I only want that change with you.

I wish I could go back get it right this time. Because if it comes to you telling me you want me again, I'll say no because I won't risk hurting you.

[ttrust-no-one]

Tumblr is not a social media, it's an online psych ward.

[hopelessly-writing]

Someone called me gay....

They aren't wrong but I'm still complaining out of spite