Judging names for drugs and substances
Marijuana: Mary Jane, Grass, Weed, Pot, Dope, Ganja, Reefer, Bud, Nugs [of]: Personal favourite as far as variety. A wide range of names both bland and whimsical. Truly anything could mean weed
Methamphetamine: Meth, Crystal, Brown, Chalk: These get the point across, but it’s not here to have a good time. Fair enough.
Oxycodone: Oxy, Hillbilly Heroin, Kicker, Percs: Feels like these terms take a judgier, more classist slant. Like the roots in medical need make us less sympathetic or accepting. Something to think on, maybe.
PCP: Angel dust, Peace Pills, Dust, Stardust, Purple rain: These ones are fun. You can really tell this drug is more recreational, appealing to a crowd who can afford it as a luxury. I appreciate the branding but am not fond of the implications revealed.
Alcohol: Booze, Wobbly Pop, Hooch, Sauce, Liquid courage: These are all completely unserious, and oddly condescending. You can really feel the social acceptance shining through
Cocaine: Coke, Snow, Blow, Nose candy: Probably the most blatant and to the point. It is white powder that you put up your nose. It has a sort of overtness about it. Perhaps an artifact of the haute-monde?
Crack cocaine: Crack, Rock, Dice, Nuggets: It’s all solid and classless. Low, like store-brand peanut butter. These terms give the impression that it doesn’t need to be marketed to the consumer: the consumer will do the legwork. The linguistic equivalent of a soup kitchen. It says to me, “Yeah, it sucks. Do you want it or not?”
Peyote: Bad seeds, Button, Cactus, Mesc: Perhaps because it isn’t as fervently globalized as harder, synthetic drugs, these terms too are clear and concise, though don’t quite carry the secrecy of LSD nor the whimsy of weed. If you want it, you already know about it. Enough said.
Caffeine: Zoom juice, Rocket fuel, Jitter juice: If it came in a package, it would look like Trix cereal. Nobody gives two shits about this one. Feed it to your baby, who gives a fuck
Heroin: H, Dope, Pink [variety], Smack: Themes present feel tonally very similar to crack. It’s not here fora good time, it’s here to get a job done. Like a one-night-stand with the biggest sack of shit you know. You don’t need to like them: you already have their number.
Ketamine: Special K, Bump, [to be in a] K-hole, K: Seems to bear the same social class status as meth to a degree, but with a faint edge of the same note of self-assured pity upstreet-types direct to single moms on food stamps. Feels like the fuckup cousin at meth and crack’s thanksgiving dinner.
Opium: Big O, Chinese molasses, Auntie, Chinese tobacco, Chocolate, Ope: An old-time substance with antique flair. I could not begin to judge the social class, status, or intention of the individual who would use this because I am too blindsided by the image of a wastrel second-son of a 1920’s coal mining empire rotting on a chaise-lounge covered in filthy, unwashed silk. Á petticoat of tonal existence.
MDMA: Ecstasy, Molly, E, Adam, Bean, Chalk, X: We are back to the sharp whimsy of LSD and the laissez-faire range of weed. The marketing of this language tells me I am welcome if I have cash but I had better not be a huge boring loser while I’m there. An aesthetic that tastes like a movie cinema floor
LSD: Acid, Lucy, Tabs: Strangely blank and devoid of judgement, like a forty five year old woman ignoring a tampon commercial. You know what it is and it’s been here forever. So ubiquitous that I sincerely forgot it had other names and isn’t just “acid”, don't @me
Hallucinogenic Mushrooms: Shrooms, Magic Mushrooms, Caps: Like peyote, slang terms for mushrooms aren’t very heavily disguised. Again, I can only imagine this is due to their long presence, regional availability, and nonessential function. They won’t numb or bliss, but if you want it you’ve already heard of it. Once again: nuff said.
Expensive luxury drugs for high-class people have nicer-sounding names, and utilitarian drugs with low cost, high addiction rates, and high mortality stats don’t seem to garner flowery language. Also, it’s unfair that weed and heroin can both be called Dope, and too many things fit the description of “chalk”, “dust”, and “powder”. I’ve never bought any of these, but I’d be alarmed if I tried and accidentally bought crank instead of mellow. God help me
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