Shelby

Fluent in : movie quotes, song lyrics, and memes Feel free to message me and check out my makeup at makeup-iridium-ember!

[hot-engineer]

I had a dream that I was about to marry Khal Drogo but he left me for some Minecraft copper ore. Not like “oh I’ll pay you to not marry her.” But like “oh that copper ore looks nice... I’m gonna marry that instead.”

[hot-engineer]

How to actually keep your New Years Resolution

I’ve been unsuccessful at keeping any of my resolutions for YEARS. So this year, instead of resolving to “lose 50 pounds” or “eat better”, I resolved to “be better than that B***H Jane”. Now Jane can be real or made up, but the inner monologue is quite different:

Original resolution:

*alarm goes off at 6 am*

Brain: get up, we resolved to work out

Me: no

Brain: but you want to lose 50 pounds!

Me: I don’t care, I’ll be fat.

New resolution:

*alarm goes off at 6 am*

Brain: get up, we gotta work out

Me: no

Brain: I bet that b***h Jane is getting up right now....

Me: F*** her, I’m up!!

100% guaranteed

[batwizard]

anyone else live under the assumption that they’re constantly doing something wrong

[tiptoe39]

How about the assumption that everyone’s just being polite and any minute now they’re going to snap and let you know how awful you are

[w0wls]

This

[hot-engineer]

[hot-engineer]

Let's not talk about the fact that I was on PornHub, instead let's talk about how the pop-up ad brought me to Candy Crush??

[hot-engineer]

Boyfriend: What's sin(Pi)?

Me: I don't know, I don't remember math.

Boyfriend: It's Senpai!!!

Me: .... When people ask why we broke up, remember this....

[hot-engineer]

One time I was an AP assistant, for an AP class, and the teacher had written "Remember Pearl Harbor" on the board. It was December 7th. One of her AP students walked in, a girl, and immediate asked, quite loudly "Pearl Harbor, is that when they threw the tea into the harbor?"

[hot-engineer]

Ok... Am I the only one who forgets how to sleep? Like "I just close my eyes really hard right... Why isn't this working?... Ok, think about sleep... Think about me sleeping..."

[hot-engineer]

My boyfriend: you missed me being nude...

Me: *always sarcastic* what a shame!

My boyfriend: yep... I was a nude-le...

Me: ...

[hot-engineer]

#yeah pretty much tumblr

[hot-engineer]

Boyfriend talking in the baby voice to my dog: You have no idea how long I've been gone today.. I could have been gone a week or an hour. You have no conception of time goo goo goo...

Me: What is WRONG with you?!

[hot-engineer]

So one of the most important features that differentiates men from apes is their ability to communicate effectively with each other. And that is the one thing I suck at more than anything.

[hot-engineer]

So they say "God is love" so all I can imagine is God with his hand on my shoulder... "That's him... The guy you will love forever... " "Oh he doesn't like Pokemon?... THAT guy... That's the one..." "Wait he walks kinda funny.... THIS one... THIS one for sure!" "Fuck it were going back to fictional people."

[hot-engineer]

Never tell anyone what lead you to your decisions. This makes it way too easy for time travelers to change the past.

[midnightlie]

do you ever drop foreshadowing in ur own writing and just go OOOHHhhhhoOOOHHooooOHHOOHHOOHHOO

[hot-engineer]

Just... No

[hot-engineer]