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Am I back

I’ve just been looking through my old posts on here including photos of me. Jesus Christ, I was small. 12 stone, or thereabouts. I’m now about 15 an a bit stone and feeling pretty damn shitty about it.

I love my body more now than I ever did back then. It upsets me to think about how much I hated how I look. I’d give anything to be that small and muscular now! That’s not because I hate fat me. It’s because I’d fucking appreciate it.

I’m getting to that point now where I’m starting to see my body hold me back. Sure, I still climb mountains, I still lift weights, I can ski. But imagine how much better I’d be if I wasn’t carrying 30 extra lbs of weight!

How the fuck do I do this without going crazy again? Without learning to hate myself? How do I do this without starving myself?

I definitely over eat now but most of it is in that mentally healthy way. I go out and I enjoy meals out. I get milkshakes with friends and I treat myself to pizza on a night in. I drink beer with my boyfriend and get chips on the way home.

There is no unhealthy attachment to this food now. Which is great. It’s taken me so long to get there.

But. I am fat. It’s starting to hold me back. And if this continues, I’ll be back to square one. I need to eat the right food to fuel this strong, active body.

But then part of me thinks, why the hell shouldn’t I eat the food I want.

I can’t find that moderation. If I do try to eat a bit healthier, I end up restricting, which leads to a binge. That’s DANGEROUS territory and I even begin to think, maybe it’d be worth it because I’d be thin.

I don’t know how to find that balance.

I don’t know what’s safe for my mental health.

But my body needs this.

Finally getting there will regular running. I just wish I could bring my outside times closer to what I can do on the treadmill. Perhaps if, when outside, I focussed on the run rather than catching Pokémon, that’d help.

#running #beginner runner #Pokemon #pokemongo

If you take a look back at my last post with my plans for levelling up, you’ll understand what I mean when I say: I’ve reached level one! I killed it in the gym today. I ran for a full 8 mins at 5mph. I haven’t been able to do that for years and never at this weight. I am strong. I am powerful. Tomorrow’s biggest challenge will be rest. I want to run more but this has already been enough of a shock to my body. In other news, I broke my no coffee rule. I’m not sleeping tonight...

#fitblr #nerd fitness #coffee #fitness buddy

Because I love the Nerd Fitness idea of levelling up but sucked at keeping up to date on the forums, I’ve decided to set myself a new levelling up system in my bullet journal!

#bujo #bullet journal #fitness #fitspo #nerd fitness #inspiration

fitwomentryharder

Fit women try harder

I’m back. I need to get focused.

220lbs.

Someone asked me when I was due.

This needs to stop.

tiny-transgendeer

My exercise routine

I absolutely abhor exercise. It’s gross and sweaty, uncomfortable and hot. Not fun 0/10 do not recommend.

But dancing is actually pretty fun! So, here’s what I do to exercise.

First of all, get a pair of platform heels. You will need them. These dances are made specifically for heels in mind and they’re actually easier when done in heels. I’ve fallen over multiple times practising them without the heels. USE THE HEELS!!!!!

^ These are the ones I use ($12 at Kmart :P) Don’t worry, they may look tall and intimidating but they’re very easy to move in because of the platform at the front of the shoe.

I currently have 6 dance routines I do. I’ll link to the videos below. The links here are all dance version MVs or dance practices.

In no particular order:

Girl’s Day Expectation (my fav! it’s a serious workout on your legs. holy crap you will be so sore the day after doing this dance. practising it every day really strengthened my leg muscles)

Girl’s Day Female President (not as tough but still works your legs a bit - especially after the first one)

Bestie Love Options (this one’s pretty easy and relaxed, but still very fun)

Stellar Marionette (a little more of a work out than Bestie, but still not as intense as GD - note there’s different versions. I use the Mnet ver because it’s a little more modest)

Stellar Vibrato (super fun! some parts are a little difficult by yourself, but if you have the heels it’s not so bad)

By2 Isn’t It (this is a pair dance but it’s pretty easy to do by yourself. you will need something to sit on for it - I actually use the edge of my coffee table! but a couple of chairs will work so long as the backs aren’t too high)

All 6 of them goes for like 20 minutes in total, so it’s a really good workout that’s also lots of fun ^-^

What have I done?

I haven’t been here for a long time. But I’m here now and that’s what matters. I weigh 215lbs (or so). How have I done this to myself?

I think I need to go back to my old ways. I can’t remember what they were, though. Not eating. Low calories. Cardio. Cardio. Cardio. I need to run.

But I was miserable. I was SO sad. I’m happy now. But I’m fat and I don’t want to be. I can be happy, like this and thin. Thin now is not like thin then. Thin now is new. It’s a new timeline.

#thinspo #ednos #weight loss

#fitspo

lindahobbis

Quick and easy summer lunches with @wellyfoods. Looking forward to #WeekendsWithWelly #pbloggers #yum http://ift.tt/2aWCnVr

I used @CoPromote and reached 34.9K new people. Join here and let's #CoPromote together. https://goo.gl/vhgSVW

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copromote

#motivation #motivationmondays via http://www.juanosborne.com/2013/10/muhammad-ali-impossible-is-nothing/

artmagicly

fit-lifting-girl

bossfit

Stair session with Norway’s fastest woman Ezinne Okparaebo.

http://bossfit.com

#fitspo #omg

femaleweightlossmotivation

For more weight loss motivation click here

fatlaurenreallydontcare

I wanna get a plus size follow train going on

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