HP Lovecraft's Disintegrating Cows

[uguuuchan]

gimme sammich

[princesstigerbelle]

gib bagul

[gynandromorph]

i’m on the verge of tears because i’ve seen this post tons of times but today i realized the second reblog is cheezeburger speak for “give bagel” when i thought it was a dark souls boss name like 

[shartgod420]

you guys know what’s super important?

bee butts

[anetesenpai]

Bumblebooties

[catsbeaversandducks]

[sixthrock]

Wait is this the same cat from that “my cat always looks like she just found out her husband died at sea” tweet??

IT IS

[badsciencejokes]

Field work fails part one. Illustrated by Jim Jourdane

[badsciencejokes]

Field work fails part two! Illustrator still is Jim Jourdane

[wtf-fun-factss]

There’s a genus of fly called Pieza which has cleverly named species like Pieza pie, Pieza rhea, Pieza kake,and finally the Pieza deresistans. – WTF Fun Facts

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pieza

[obviousbaitfish]

Skyrim is a good game because whenever I load a save a FULL ON DRAGON CORPSE FALLS FROM THE SKY to remind me of my sins

[programaticallydelicious]

Maybe he’s ordering a decaf because he has a heart condition, and you’re about to give him a heart attack and send him to the hospital.

Or maybe he’s just ordering a decaf.

Maybe she’s ordering sugar free because she’s diabetic, and you’re about to put her six feet under.

Or maybe she’s just ordering sugar free,

Maybe they’re ordering non-dairy because they’re intolerant, and you’re about to ruin their day. Maybe they’re allergic, and you’re about to sponsor an all black event in an open field.

Or maybe they’re just ordering non-dairy.

Maybe they ordered gluten free because they can’t process it, and you’re about to destroy their digestive tract.

Or maybe they’re just ordering gluten free.

Maybe they’re ordering this way just because they don’t want the food, for whatever reason.

But are you willing to bet their life on it?

[hplovecraftsdisintegratingcows]

This. This is why when im training new people at my workplace one of the first things i say is, no matter how the customer treats you, no matter how polite or how rude they get, and no matter how busy we are or what we are out of, do not switch out sugar free syrups and syrups containing sugar. If we are out of the syrup they want, tell them. If they're rude or nasty, you dont have to go out of your way to be warm and friendly, but be professional and dont fuck with the drink. It is never worth risking someone's life, and you don't know by looking at a person.

[animalwoonz]

[mewsicalmiss]

Peak Cat Behavior

[catsbeaversandducks]

Work harder, not smarter! 

[bloo-the-dragon]

[birger-wuvs-elsa]

This is what happens when you put all of your points into intelligence, but ignore wisdom.

[did-you-know]

Source

[dat-soldier]

back the fuck up

[sonnetscrewdriver]

There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up.

So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him.

The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off.

Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes.

[dat-soldier]

did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out

[catgoblinchelly]

This just keeps getting better

[sleepyferret]

I fucking love history.

[konec0]

ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok

so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire.

The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y'know, kinda sucked.

On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap

When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro”

and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes

wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing.

and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave.

Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat. 

and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked.

[emmatheward]

- Classwork. Her name is Doris. 

[prokopetz]

A female dragonborn paladin with the noble background is the ultimate switch: she can be the knight, the princess or the dragon, as circumstances require.

[grazztthedark]

I’m imagining a scenario where, through a series of misunderstandings, she’s hired to rescue herself from herself. 

[rabidpeep]

Priest: “Sir Aldes of Mosley, the church has evidence to suggest that the Princess Miranda of Foxley has been kidnapped by Firefang the Ruthless. Will you rescue her on behalf of His Holiness?”

Sir Miranda Aldes, born in Foxley, honorarily knighted in Mosley as a Black Knight after winning a jousting tournament, who’s rebellious teenage nickname was Firefang: “So, about all that…”

[weatheredlaw]

Hey guys. This is my new best friend. I’m making a cake.

I made my batter from scratch, and I made a strawberry yogurt frosting.

Cannot wait to see what this weird little guy looks like.

[weatheredlaw]

The lamb is done. The lamb is cooling.

[weatheredlaw]

the lamb did not come out of the pan very well. features have been lost. frosting may be needed to rescue the lamb.

[weatheredlaw]

Behold. My son.

[crowzi]

hey op do you take criticism

[weatheredlaw]

i do not, and please don't speak to me or my son ever again

[spider-hands-mannos-deactivated]

There is a specific and terrifying difference between “never were” monsters and “are not anymore” monsters

“The thing that was not a deer” implies a creature which mimics a deer but imperfectly and the details which are wrong are what makes it terrifying

“The thing that was not a deer anymore” on the other hand implies a thing that USED to be a deer before it was somehow mutated, possessed, parasitically controlled or reanimated improperly and what makes THAT terrifying is the details that are still right and recognizable poking out of all the wrong and horrible malformations.

[spider-hands-mannos-deactivated]

hey I totally fucked up and forgot the 3rd type, which is “Is Not Anymore And Maybe Never Was” monsters “The thing which was no longer a deer and maybe never was” implies a creature that, at first glance, completely appears to be a deer, but over time degrades very slowly until you realize (probably too late) that it is not a deer anymore, and had you seen it in this state first, you wouldn’t have recognized it as a deer at all, and there’s a decent chance that it was never actually a deer to begin with but only a very good mimic, and what makes this one scary is the slow change from everything being right to everything being wrong, happening slowly enough that you don’t even notice it until its too late, as well as the fact that something now so clearly not a deer could have fooled you to begin with.

[endreal]

No idea if this commentary adds anything or not but since monsters are generally couched in terms of danger and threat, and therefore fear, in my mind these posts broke themselves down kinda like this:

The “was not a deer” monster speaks to fear born of deception, dangers that approach under the guise of familiarity, with varying levels of success to infiltrate the familiar before lashing out

The “not a deer anymore” monster speaks to fear born of coercion. Whatever it is was once familiar and perhaps even comforting but through the action of another agent the familiar has become grotesque and dangerous.

The “…and maybe never was a deer” monster speaks to fear born of self-doubt. Most people spend most of the time in a sense of vague assurance that they’re doing the right thing, or at least a right thing, in the situation they find themselves in. This fear lies in the danger of *thinking* you understood, only to be eviscerated by the cruelty of “no…you were never correct, and this is your consequence.”

[hamenthotep]

[spidermanifested]

hey. what do a selkie and a ziploc bag have in common

[spidermanifested]

resealable

[staff-of-magnus]

The serious version of my last post is, I presume dragons have “useless names” i.e. names where if you tried to use it as an actual shout, the words put together wouldn’t interact so nothing would happen except for the dragon picking up on the shouting of their own name. Makes me wonder if there is just that one dragon out there who’s intent on causing chaos and tries having a usable shout as a name.

“Hello Dragonborn my name is Belfelufiik feel free to call me whenever you’re super weak and need help.” (Word learned: Bel / Word learned: Fel / Word learned: Ufiik)

[factfiend]

Fun fact: According to Greek legend there was a famous prostitute who managed to avoid a death sentence by showing the judges her boobs and arguing that it would be a crime against the Gods to destroy something so beautiful. 

Before you ask, yes there are paintings of this. And yes, they’re amazing.

Read more.

[karlosmadera-deactivated2019022]

I love history.

[bipolarbulgogi]

Role models tho.

[blackwoolncrown]

[barcoque]

The gay one

[suzie-guru]

No, but this is one of my absolute favorite bits of history! 

The courtesan named was named Phryne and she was indeed a renowned beauty, and was indeed was put on trial for a capital crime. And yes, the sum of her defense consisted of her stripping in court (helped by her lover/defendant) and asking the jury (all males) if they were prepared to destroy this. 

But this is actually a very interesting case of Values Dissonance - the capital crime she was accused of was blasphemy. In Ancient Greek society, exceptional beauty was a sign of favor from the gods, and they took the idea that beauty indicated goodness with great seriousness. They even called their nobles Kaloi k'Agathoi, “the Beautiful and the Good.” 

So by showing off her great physical beauty, Phryne was being very clever indeed, her argument essentially being “How could I possibly commit blasphemy if the gods have given me this body?“ 

God, I adore history. 

[nationalshitpostingagency]

”If these tits are legit, you must acquit.”

[animalwoonz]

Instagram: @animalwoonz

[katsen13]

He looks like he’s trying so hard to be a fearsome bird of prey and I’m so proud of him even if he wasn’t successful.

[one-of-the-birds]

Tiny fluff ball of DEATH

[sabertoothwalrus]

AHHHH I THOUGHT THIS WAS A KESTREL BUT ITS AN AFRICAN PYGMY FALCON

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH