fancy feather pen

[hrhthefluff]

Interlude

I have had so many amazing teachers in my life, I’m surrounded by wise people who walk with their eyes open and they learn and I’m so incredibly grateful for their presence in my life.

Sometimes it feels like everyone is more mature than me but I know that as well as being a student, I’m also a teacher for someone else and that’s a whole load of responsibility. To help others, however, I have to go through some experiences, some pleasant, some rough and some wonderful.

I understand now that most importantly I have to learn to be me, to depend on myself only and if I find someone who wants to live with me and love me, then it will happen. I know that there are lots of adventures ahead of me in life and many of them I’ll take alone and I’m honestly terrified shitless. Life isn’t easy if during your childhood you don’t get the necessary skills to survive. I think many people stay stuck in their second relationships, the hard one with the ups and downs, because it brings euphoria. I think my parents are one of those couples and I grew up all sorts of messed up because of that. But it’s up to me to grow, evolve and move on. It’s not easy, I’m walking down a path I don’t know but I know I’ll probably like it more than the previous phase. It’s just hard because I still haven’t let go. Once I’m not dragging all this weight with me it will be easier.

[hrhthefluff]

Part 2 - Butterfly trapped in a cocoon

I’ve always been the kind of person who might not know what they want, they are determined to get it. After university I decided to get a job in science and I was looking for one for about six months. MY sleep pattern was all sorts of messed up, not having much to do during the day, and so often I stayed up quite late, deep diving head first into the internet. On the 3rd September 2013 I stumbled upon an app which quickly brought me together with a man who I thought would become my husband one day.

My significant other 2

Having learnt from my previous relationship I was very upfront with him, told him in what ways I’m messed up, I warned him about signs that are not good when coming from me and I was determined to avoid making the mistakes from my first relationship. I made sure I won’t be jealous of his other friendships early on by explicitly saying that he should really keep his life. This relationship felt different, more real, more significant. I felt strongly like I can trust his opinion, I felt different and there was a moment when I honestly felt like the chase was over, I have found the one I’d always be with. I romanticised the entire thing, I was very positive about it and I gave myself up completely. He was my top ten priorities, I didn’t care about myself, because I expected to be his priority and then it just equals out. Of course, now I’m aware that I’m talking about codependence here and that is many things but healthy. I was madly in love with him, I had incredible highs and the shittiest, darkest lows. But I loved him, I had so much faith in us, that I kept thinking that everything will magically just sort itself out. I believed in us more than anything. This relationship was pretty much my religion and I broke other friendships. I only ever looked up my friends when I had to moan about him, I stopped talking to my parents, I started accompanying him on all his advertures and I completely bent my life into a shape that would fit into his. I lost myself, I was uncomformtable, I blamed everything under the Sun, but my relationship. I didn’t want to see how wrong we were for each other. I loved him with so much passion and I fought with him with just as much. There was a lot of drama for so many years and somehow I kept believing that this would all be fixed one day. Then we stopped having sex, I got more insecure, we got a dog and he didn’t seem like he cared for the poor thing very much and I saw more and more wrong with us. I was under a lot of pressure to be miss fucking sunshine at work, and then around his parents, and it was too much to deal with. I still didn’t want to see that all that bitterness is oozing from the cracks of our misaligned relationship. Then one day I broke down, I couldn’t take it any longer, I popped the sore, opened the wound a millions of maggots came rushing for fresh air. We aren’t good for each other. Allowing myself to see this has been the toughest thing I’ve ever had to face. I’m not over it, I don’t know when I will be, but I’m grateful for this relationship.

I learnt so much about myself, about what matters to me, about my love language, about being independent in a relationship and how very important that actually is. Every relationship is different, I don’t know what’s next for me. I wouldn’t even exclude the possibility that there isn’t anything for me in the cards from here. I still think he was the one, it just didn’t work out. I’m a dreamer, a romantic and an idealist. I started to build my relationship with my family again, I now understand why my best friend is with the man she chose to be with, which before I didn’t and I feel silly for that now. I now appreciate the people and opportunities in my life and I’m grateful for the love and support I get from people.

I’m in a lot of emotional pain now, I don’t know when I’ll be able to close the door on this, but I’m very glad this happened because I learnt a huge amount about myself and love.

[hrhthefluff]

Part 1 - Burnt Paradise

I lost myself without even realising. For so many years I lived thinking that this was normal, because for me it was. But now I know how wrong I was, so here’s my story…

 Have you heard the theory that (average) we all fall in love with three different people during our lifetime, each person bringing something different but equally important into your life. So far I’ve had two and currently I am in the progress of closing the door on the second one.

My first boyfriend I met when I was 17. In the previous years I did date, as much as a teenager dates, but none of it was significant. Getting boys’ attention was more of a quest, something exciting and something to talk about with my friends, rather than anything else. I was young and foolish and I didn’t know what life was about. I wasn’t worried about the future, I didn’t dwell on the past, I just lived in the moment and did whatever the hell I felt like doing. I was pretty damn free and in all honesty I don’t think I learnt a great deal back then. I met my first significant boyfriend during a Christmas Ball, I liked him pretty much instantly, although I still had the mindset that love is just an exciting quest. I liked the attention and the excitement but I’ve always been a bit awkward as soon as relationship was on the table. I just couldn’t handle the pressure, that it all had to be, or more specifically look perfect. I liked him though and he reciprocated my feelings and soon we were in love and I fast forward a few months, I lost my virginity to him. He was very loving, kind, a proper artist and I he put up with my outbursts. Around the same time my parents moved thousands of miles away and I was left alone and that was the time, I think, when I started to lose myself. Up until then I always depended on my mother more than anyone. After that I was entirely dependent on my then boyfriend and my circle of friends and I had no idea. In hindsight, I lost a big chunk of me. I’ve been told I matured a fair amount during the years when I had to take care of myself in the absence of my family. No child ever expects to go through this. My boyfriend was always there for me, he was incredibly supportive, but I was still a child, I didn’t understand what relationships are about (actually, I am only just starting to get that and I’m twenty-fucking-seven years old….go figure..), for me it was all a game, I had an idea of what it should be like, romance, butterflies, roses, him opening doors for me and all that chivalry bullshit and that was all I saw, the packaging. I didn’t see the contents, the substance, I didn’t see what really mattered. We were together for two years and not once did I open my fucking eyes to see what was in front of me. Then we broke up in 2010 and he was angry and I didn’t have the courage to tell him that I’d already had sex with someone else while we were broken up for a week…so yeah, I was pretty fucking terrible. But I learnt from this relationship. I eventually opened my eyes and looked back at it and saw all the terrible mistakes I made, my unacceptable behaviour, me being jealous of his friends and not having a relationship with his family properly. I took the next three years, while I was completing my bachelor’s degree, to learn from and get over that relation ship. Now, ten years later we’re friends. I’ve apologised to him a lot for being a horrendous girlfriend, I still do occasionally when we talk, I do feel terrible about the way I treated him back then. He’s lovely though, he isn’t angry, we are friends and I wish him all the best, from the very bottom of my heart.

[hrhthefluff]

24th June 2017

I’m not feeling great. I haven’t, in fact, for quite some time now. I’ve seen a therapist, I’ve had lots of help but I’m not getting better. Not long-term anyway. It’s cruel, really, how life shows me sometimes for short periods of time how wonderful it can be, like a beautiful day on the beach at the sea when the sun shines in your face and the birds are loving the subtle breeze with the smell of sea caressing my smell center and I’m at peace and in love with the world, and then out of nowhere, like a thunderstorm that nobody saw coming, a massive blow to my emotions and I’m down. I’m so deep down and I have not a single soul I can rely on. I’m alone. I don’t feel lonely somehow, just alone. I sense the cells in my body losing the will to live, because a part of my brain is telling them not to carry on. 

Let me tell you what it’s like to lose the will to live, little by little every day. I met this person almost four years ago and I knew, I was so convinced that he was the one, that he is the one. funny how now writing this makes my stomach turn. I was in love, I felt this incredible freedom I never experienced before. I believed in us, my faith has shifted and this relationship became the one thing I believed in more than anything else. sometimes the thing you want most in the world is the very thing that kills you eventually, and it’s not a nice death, it’s not something people want to hear or sea or acknowledge. i’m weak, i can’t get out of this, i have lost the will to do that. my faith in us is broken and i’m still here, like a fish on the shore who can’t move, i’m stuck and i know this is not good for me but i don’t have the strength to get out of this. i’ve lost my friends and have nobody to help me out of this. i’d rather just die, just so i can end this. sometimes i have a vision of us getting a divorce, and we are not married or even engaged yet. 

Two years ago I was pregnant. I didn’t know at the time but I was. Being someone who’s had an abortion I can tell you that you never really get over it and your relationship never really heals from it completely. I feel so miserable and just really shit. Something broke in me and was never repaired. Like a bone in my body that didn’t get medical attention so it never healed perfectly and I cannot use it the way God intended it to be used. Instead, it’s there to remind me every day what I’ve done. I really wanted to be pregnant, I wanted to know what it’s like to have a new person developing and growing in me, I wanted to feel the magic.....

Careful what you wish for because you might get just that....and there’s no way back from it.

I wanted us to be close, I wanted us to be a family. Instead, we have been broken for over two years, never truly recovered, and honestly, I’m ready to end all of this. I can’t live with it. I used to be scared of the pain of death but I can’t imagine it being worse than living in pain every day. 

My life ended a while ago, I’m just a walking, barely breathing empty shell. I do sometimes hope that things will change, and sometimes they briefly do indeed. But it only makes the majority of days worse. 

I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy for so long. I’ve tried to get out of this relationship a few times but he always says what I want to hear and I believe him because I still believe that he’s the one for me. But I don’t want to live like this. I’m not loved. I miss being loved. I can’t live like this. This isn’t life. 

This misery I’ve been feeling while staying with him in a loveless relationship has affected every aspect of my life - work, friends, family... I don’t even make future plans because I don’t want to think about a miserable future. I don’t want  to stay. I have to get out of this.

I’d love for him to be my partner, someone who cares, someone who asks me what’s wrong because he wants to help, not just because he knows he has to ask. He avoids confrontation all the time and only addresses things when I’m being pushed over the edge. He doesn’t prevent things, just lets them get as bad as possible. I need to get out. 

I can’t say I resent him. I think I’m just scared of him, how much he only cares about himself. How can I love him...how could I ever love a person who only takes and doesn’t give anything back....? I thought he was a good man but he’s just self-centered, like so many others. I wish there was someone who loved me and cared about me. 

[hrhthefluff]

I miss being loved passionately. I miss being in love like that force holds the planets in place. The feeling of being free and happy like I have wings and I can just fly with our relationships like its a big fluffy safe cloud under me. I miss feeling that love.

[lolpheed]

Photo http://lolpheed.tumblr.com

[sweetoothgirl]

Chocolate Lovers Triple Layer Coffee Caramel Chocolate Mousse Cakes

[nom-food]

Mocha cheesecake brownies

[aww-phan-deactivated20160522]

I was in art class today, a girl was crying and her friend was comforting her but she kind of just stopped and was like “I’m sorry about what happened but where did you get your eyeliner? it seems to be really good” like it didn’t smudge or anything. then the girl that was crying sniffled and said “it’s sharpie”

[hrhthefluff]

FROZEN is what it’s like to be a woman and have severe anxiety.

[hrhthefluff]

I believe in science

I believe in numbers. I believe that they are real and so is everything involving them. I believe that I am a bundle of molecules that react with others in a very specific way. I believe that if we put our heads together we could find some formulae that could tell us what exactly is going to happen in the world and we could also “see” past events very accurately. I believe that nothing is coincidental and that our brains are powerful enough to comprehend this extremely well-coordinated dance of molecules and consequently tell us subtly what is going to happen. I think our world is magical and we have the means to explain it all. I believe in science.

[hrhthefluff]

The last one

For years I was hopeful no optimistic because I believed that there is someone in the world, one person who I will one day meet and fall in love with, who will become my best friend, my partner in life and who is my other half. Although my childhood wasn't particularly amazing and I went through a lot of challenging times, I held on to my faith that one day I'll have someone to deal with all this. Then in 2013 one night I couldn't sleep and downloaded an app and posted something and a person messaged me in response to it. A few hours later I had a feeling I met the one. We talked every day and it was perfect. We slowly got to know each other and I fell for him very hard. I fell for his personality, for his maturity, for his judgement that I trusted from very early in our relationship which doesn't happen to me very often. I fell in love with his gorgeous blue eyes, with his fingers, with his soft pink lips that gave me the sweetest, most passionate kisses, with his cuddles at night that made me feel safe, with his legs that were always the sexiest in the gym, with his heart that I tried to protect like it was the most precious thing in the world, with his mind that I found amazingly bright especially at his age, with his face that I covered in loving kisses a lot, with his ambition that I supported every day and with his body that was the hottest in the whole wide world I'm sure of it. It was slow and amazing, like when you have something delicious in front of you and you enjoy every bite of it, trying to experience every molecule in it because it's just the best thing you've ever come across. Then he kissed me one day and we slept together. We got to know each other's family and I loved his very much. I was in love. Head over heels as cliche as it is, he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so much in love I literally have never been happier in my entire life. This relationship and the companionship and the man I found in him, gave me wings. I found my freedom in his partnership, something I didn't know existed. It took me a while to let him in completely but I learnt to trust him fully and he became my best friend. My only friend who mattered, really. With his support I dared to dream and believed in the improbable more than ever. Until...well until I'm not really sure when...we changed. Honestly, I don't think I've changed much because I'm not good with that. I still love him, the man I fell in love with two years ago. The man I want to marry, the one I want to have children with, the one I want to have dogs and a home with. But he's gone. It has taken me a long time to see, process and accept that he's not with me anymore. And he's not coming back. I've never felt such excruciating pain before. Saying out loud to myself that it's over is still hurtful. I still love him more than anything. And the fact is I want to be with him. I know that this is selfish to some because I still have a life I suppose and this is like a kick in the face of people who don't have a choice in life and death. But the fact is, I'm done here. I want to be with him. That relationship, that love was the only connection I had with anything. I don't have dreams anymore, ambitions or goals, because without him none of it matters. I loved sharing with him my days, my thoughts, my experiences and sorrows. I miss him. It's like a part of me has been cut out of me. Half of me. Life it's just meaningless without him. God knows I'd stay if I could get him back. I told him every day how much I loved him and that I appreciated him more than anything and he just left me. I can't bear the pain anymore. I've been waiting for a relief way too long. I'm not strong enough to carry on. I miss him too much. So this is it for me. Sorry if this is offensive, if you knew me you'd understand. My life has no meaning, no path anymore. The one thing I found worth living for is gone and I'm hurting too much. I deserve my peace now. #life #love #fluff #lastone #end #hrh #suicidenote #sorry #nomorepain #nomorechristmas #peaceatlast

[hrhthefluff]

The Everything

Despite growing up with boys, being a daddy's girl and having mostly male best friends, I have to admit I don't know men. To be fair it took me a while to understand what women are searching for and I'm one of them. The worst part of all is that I thought I knew more than others because I learnt how to be honest with myself and I've helped out friends with translating their spouses' behaviour. I've experienced a fair amount of excruciating pain caused by breakups and disappointment, and I've learnt to embrace the pain and transform it into a lesson, an opportunity to grow - well either that or to be selfish for once. I want to be everything - the queen, the princess, the slave and the best friend all in one. And we all want it. A committed relationship where we find the safety we heard about as little girls - in books, films and music. The romance where a handsome, bright gentleman swoops you off your feet and is kind to you, loves you at your worst and ugliest. And the chances are, you will meet someone who charms you with their words and actions and you just can't say no. You will try to find all the things in them that you might hate later but the end of the day you just feel they are the One. They treat you well and you fall in love and enjoy it and then the tape ends because they get comfortable and you panic because suddenly he doesn't bring you flowers anymore after a shit day at work and he doesn't open doors for you anymore, you're not his best friend anymore and he takes you for granted and you're unhappy. We all want to be everything.

[hrhthefluff]

If you’re anything like me, you’ll understand why i say to myself sometimes that i hate myself because i’m not good at anything and I’m just useless and shouldn’t be alive. It’s bad, but a lot of people can relate to this and a lot of them have acted on their negative thoughts too.

I personally am a delicious combination of introvert and perfectionist. In my world I can either be the best at things or nonexistent. You can imagine which one is easier to concentrate on. Even though I get reassurance from my environment I basically just ignore them because that’s not how i see myself and my life. To me I’m irrelevant and invisible in the world. I’m not good at anything and i cannot find a way to live the life i want. Then see these inspirational posts about life and how it should be lived in an “i want to” way instead of an “i have to” way. And of course i go ahead and dismiss the thought because i think i know what i want but i also have figured that i cannot just want and get and it’s going to be like that. 

I would love to take a risk and do something that will eventually lead to someplace wonderful. But the thing is i have no idea what i want other than a comfortable life. I loved being in school because i was one of the best and that gave me a confidence breeze under my wings. But since i left that little world and entered a much bigger one that i barely know anything about, I’m petrified. Education successfully killed my ambitions and imagination and my ability to believe in my dreams. 

When i was little i always found a way to do my things my way and it was great but then came influence and i was literally told that i’m not as good as others and how i should just shut up and be invisible. So i made the shades my peaceful quiet place and when i was torn out of it into the light i was terrified to say anything, i was made fun of and compared to others and they just ripped my wings out and let my self-esteem bleed out of my with my confidence.

I’d like to be my old self again, I’d like to be reckless and do things in unusual ways and not care about other’s opinions. 

[hrhthefluff]

Have faith in science

What I want initially, might be complete bullshit, because let's face it: I'm not a genius. However, I have faith on myself and trial and error and I believe that my ideas will get me somewhere new, where that field and I will take each other's virginity: it will be painful and everything will seem very fragile and unsure but if we hold on to each other we'll get to the point where it will turn into something ecstaticly incredible, unbelievable and scary.

[hrhthefluff]

Unconditionally, maybe

Back in high school we had an assignment wherein we had to express our thoughts on unconditional love. Naturally everyone in my class wrote about parents and siblings and of course grandparents and how they love you regardless of what you do. I have to disagree with this idea. And I did back then as a 16 year old as well. It’s all bullshit. No love is unconditional. If you can’t see this you’re and idiot too and live in a world divorced from reality. Boyfriend. I love my boyfriend to death and never during our relationship did I wish to not be with him, not for even a second, I swear to everything that’s beautiful. I love him and I’d do anything for him (and really, I do, we’re off to a motorbike touring soon and I can’t imagine a day without showers - we’ll see) but that doesn’t mean out love has no conditions. Of course it does. He loving me makes me love myself more because I see myself kind of valuable in the universe and I think he makes me better in many aspects of my life. But really it all comes down to me loving myself more. See we are all self centered. Which is fine, it makes us do things. Good things, hopefully ;)

Parents. That’s a strange relationship. Me and my parents. I love them, naturally but I can’t say our love is constant. I had times in the past when I wished for as home that would wash one half oft genes out oft body. No specifics but I was pissed at one of them. And with my mum ( :) ) we’ve had or lows, there were times when we didn’t speak for weeks. And I can’t say I felt bad or that I was fond of her during those times. Hell no. I wanted to love out and never see her face again. But at the end of the day I got older and I realised that they won’t be around forever because they are not getting any younger by the minute and I’ll lose them. In fact I could lose them any time. Life is a fucking gift and you have to learn to appreciate it. So I guess some of out “unconditional” love is based on fear and dependence. And it is by no means unconditional. None of them are. If they hit me I wouldn’t like them. Fuck, I remember liking my mum less when she made me wear those prickly jumpers when I was like an infant or anyway very young. Same goes for every kind of relationship. If you’re not appreciated you won’t really love them or not as much as you would otherwise. It all comes down to how they make you feel and how their love moulds your personality and the way you see yourself.

Ps Alex I love you 💖💕😊😚

I mean..my parents' entire marriage is based on my dads love of food and my mother's uncontrollable urge to cook/bake/feed. Weird as fuck but hey it works 👍😊

[ethernallymeaningless-deactivat]