just talking. like about how āi dont feel like itā is not a valid excuse for me not to try
thinking about rummaging through all my things and getting all dressed up despite having nowhere to go and nowhere to beā¦the occasion is #fashionablefridayš
like its too hot to go stand around in the park and im feeling too disorganized to attempt getting work done at a coffee shop and too restless to go read in the library and too irritable/insecure/scattered to socialize and ive banned myself from window shopping because i get consumed by the want to have and [my list of self-imposed barriers keeping me from participating in the world continues]
its frustrating because im aware and deeply agree that you cant wait for the conditions to be ideal to take action otherwise youll spend your whole life waiting around for something that doesnt (and will never) exist. BUT. just because im aware doesnt mean im wise š¤¦āāļø
im actually quite stupid when it comes to challenging myself to make an effort when ive made the executive decision in my mind of āi cant do itā like how ive decided i cant swim or drive on the highway, both of which i have done just fine before. but i got in an accident and almost drowned and now the worms of anxiety and dread have consumed me. but to buffer how hard i am on myself about these fears, i wonder if i could frame it as āim not a bitch right?ā like if someone in my life was struggling to drive on the highway because they were having physiological anxiety responses when confronted with the task, i wouldnt be like āwow, sorry about that! but thats really lame š«¤ try harder.ā
however, its a wide-spread experience that empathy for other peopleās situations doesnt always extend to yourself so ātalking to yourself like a friendā doesnt work very well if you arent friends with yourself.
-> side note: i always wonder if me believing the ātry harderā narrative so strongly for myself means that i secretly am a bitch and believe that the hypothetical friend also needs to try harder š¤ but i just wouldnt say it to their face because i dont want to make them feel bad vs idgaf about my own feelings. if that makes sense.
ok what about a hot takeāļøis telling someone to improve even bitchy? it can be that way, but depending on how you frame it and go about it, āyou need to try harderā, is a form a love. obviously, it depends on what a personās intentions are but wouldnāt it be bitchier to let people stay the same when you know, if pushed, they r fully capable of living the life they want but feel like they cant have?
i do think a push can sometimes be perceived as bitchy, even if its come from a place of genuine care, by someone on the receiving end who isnt willing to confront whats wrong with them BUT people can definitely cause harm by pushing such as meddling when its not needed. (common example: a mother)
very long side note. overall though: āi believe in your capacity to change in the way thats best for youā = āi love youā
factoring in my hot take, maybe ātry harderā can be shifted and framed in a way where it becomes more aligned with self-love for me? its way too harsh, judgmental and self-pitying right now but i wanna believe that the sentiment itself is coming from a place deep in me that believes that i have the potential to be someone different, someone who isnt a victim of whats wrong with her and someone who actively takes charge of her agency to meaningfully participate in the flow of things.
im just going about utilizing ātry harderā wrong because of all the sticky shame everywhere in my brain that has me thinking i have to repent and be untouchable to be allowed to take up space aka ātry harderā as an impossible, unachievable feat. you cant aim for perfect or nothing and expect to make it out feeling okay.
for my sake, the function of ātrying harderā and ādoing betterā and ābeing goodā in my brain has to evolve into healthy, neutral, motivation because thats when itll start having tangible positive results in my life. for now, i dont think the results even have to be consistent. i just need some reprieve from the constant unbearable feelings of inadequacy with no efforts made to improve because of whatever cocktail of self-defeating narratives ive internalized that is making my vision all blurry and draining all my energy.
i think if i could figure out how to catch a break from time to time, i would have time to do . things that r important and relevant. when i say ābreaksā im talking about significant actions i may take that would prove to me that im disrupting my resignation to succumb to my hell. such as completing tasks that are unfamiliar, different and DIFFICULT but aligned with āgetting betterā and āmaking an effortā ā¤ļøāš©¹ my theory is that the more of those ābreaksā i can collect, the easier itāll be to sustain the momentum to slowly build a ladder rung by rung, in this deep hole that im currently in, until one random unassuming Thursday, ill look around and be like āhuh, im out.ā
idk that iāll ever be free of it. its more realistic to imagine that it wont always be so debilitating and life-threatening and thats what i have to ātry harderā for. sounds kinda bleak but
a concluding framing for myself: i have to try harder to become different. not because im evil and not in a way where i deserve to stay in a state of suffering, but because theres a part of me that clearly believes i can meaningfully change and it keeps trying to push me towards that. but i misinterpret it and distort it into the shape of an antagonist, even though its more of a guardian angel that i need to give breathing room.
this got so longāi have more thoughts to string together but im tired now. still thinking about dressing up.
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