compared to the start of this year, im faring better. no longer consider myself to be a in a circle of hell at least #yay
steadier, more curious, softer self-concept, and my will to bear the pain of discipline is more malleable.
im keeping my room clean, maintaining various daily mini-routines, projecting hope and optimism in conversation, letting perfection go, focusing on the times i get to be myself over the times i cant.
i feel like im teetering on the edge of becoming a new, happier, version of myself right now. i just have to keep on making the conscious, responsible, accountable decision to actively move on, grow up. the way ive been doing, which i respect.
there are some very real obstacles that are in my way, holding me back. but as of late, there are also very real visions of ways to leave. options for more, better.
i saw the phrase “toughen up buttercup” and it clicked. im tired of being lazy and safe. im craving something unknown, a risk. i wasnt ready for that before but im getting somewhere with that now. idk what it’ll look like but the future-despair-spiraling is loosening it’s grip on me and morphing into resolve to try my hand at having hope instead…🤸♀️ i havent had the courage for it historically but im starting to grasp that i can still bite.
i fell on my ass HARD and landed smack on rock bottom. i mean, its only up from there, which has been true so far so i cant complain!
hey august huda. prove to me that im still brave? prove to me that i can still put in the work? make me believe in “it gets better”
amandla
