Trip report: Two unknown dosages of LSD + One Mushroom Chocolate (1g) Promises and Heart Healing
Oh man it really has been such a long time since I've done one of these, and I do apologize. Over the last three years I've had two relationships in which I almost exclusively tripped with my partner and other people. I wish I had written about the dozens of times I did DMT, or my experience on 25 hits of LSD, but it doesn't matter, because doing psychedelics with other people and doing them by yourself are two entirely different things.
My most recent lover and I broke up about three weeks ago now. It was both unexpected and painful, as we had just moved from Los Angeles to a tiny town in Washington called Port Townsend. She was more into seeking out other men's attention than working on our relationship, even while we were still together. My heart was broken and I fell into a fit of depression. I was struggling to cope with this loss, I had given this woman everything that I could, but she always wanted something else. Motivation for working was next to none. Motivation to do much of anything was next to none. I was sad, lonely, depressed, and in a town with no friends, much less anyone to confide in. I cut all contact with her on Sunday. On Sunday night I went to the beach, did a cord cutting ceremony, and threw the rose quartz heart that she gave me, the day before we become a couple with a title, into the ocean.
Monday morning I went to the beach with my doggo, and decided it was too beautiful out to not trip. The mountains were fully visible in all their glory, the sun was shining, it was an extraordinarily gorgeous day. I went back home, grabbed my mala, bong, and tarot card and headed out to go deep. I found a secluded spot and set up. It is always fun to do a tarot spread as you are coming up, so I did my usual ten card spread. The card in my present state was the Three of Swords – Sorrow. I definitely felt much sorrow for the recent events in my life. My subconscious was the Three of Pentacles – Material Works, and the Ace of Pentacles. These are representative of my current state of trying to figure out what kind of business to start. My conscious mind was the Fool and the King of Wands. The fool being how I feel right now coming to a new place with no idea of what to do, whats happening here, and trusting my heart, while the King of Wands is symbolic of this man I am becoming and embracing. This natural entrepreneur, this fiery leader with a desire to lead. The cards in my past were the Sun and the Seven of Cups. The Sun was me shining so bright that the land became barren, and the Seven of Cups representative of the illusionary success that I had in my relationship. The future showed The Ace of Swords, along with the Hangman. There is a state of limbo in my future, where I will be working on myself and harnessing the power of thought to be reborn into a better man. I analyzed these cards as I was feeling my brain to start to tingle.
Off with the socks and boots. It was time to stand in the water and let the water energetically cleanse me. I tried to purge, as I usually have to do when I trip, with no luck, there were a lot of burps though. My doggo was just watching me, so I decided to play with her. We ran up and down the beach, I practiced handstands and cartwheels, did some chi gong, and really got the energy flowing. One of my struggles is that I am very thin. I stand 5'7” and I weigh about 115 lbs... I've been thinking a lot about working out but don't do much more than yoga. The first promise I made to myself was to start doing something about it. After being physical for a bit, I thought for sure I was going to purge, so I stood in the water some more, again, with no luck. Purging has always been a powerful way for me to clear energy blockages. I feel as if it may be one of the most powerful things to do on a psychedelic journey. Seems like I just didn't take enough!
The time for smoking a bowl had come. It was about an hour and a half or two hours into the the trip, and I hadn't smoked once yet that day. Before smoking, I like to chant “Ong Namo Guru Dev, Namo, Guru Ram Das, Namo, Guru A Ganja Ji Namo,” three times before taking a toke. That first time getting high when your tripping is something else. It really takes everything to a whole new level. After the bowl was cached, it was time to sit and chant. I managed to do four rounds on the mala of “Om Namah Shivaya” and “Om Mani Padme Hum.” During my chanting, I felt so much masculine energy flowing into me through “Om Namah Shivaya,” this has always been one of my favorite mantras, and has the most intense effects on me. I saw visions of Shiva, complex all encompassing geometry, a chest full of knowledge, and felt extremely grounded. While I chanted “Om Mani Padme Hum,” I felt a weight being lifted off of my heart, bonds cut, and healing happening. It was the first time in a long while I truly felt connected to Hridayam, the heart cave. It all came to me so quick. In loving someone else so unconditionally, even when they didn't respect or appreciate me, it was not showing myself true love. Your divine partner would never leave you to sleep with another man, talk to other men behind your back, and do shady shit. If you truly embrace your own divinity, you cannot stand for this uncompassionate nonsense, even if you live your life with unbearable compassion. The second promise I made to myself was to chant every day.
After chanting, I sat and thought about our partnership. There was so much hurt in my heart, yet I still found myself loving her. To truly understand why I felt this way, I needed to look deep. Yes, she brought such an unbearable pain upon me, yet there was something so magic... and then it hit me. Love. The thing you do when there is someone who just makes your heart jump at every little thing about them. I cried for a long time. The love we had shared was one I never wanted to let go. In that moment I remembered thousands of reasons why she drove my heart wild, why she was the one I would do anything for. Yet it all had to be let go. The attachment we shared was so strong and powerful that I could not truly harness my own power anymore. I felt like a shell of the man I was, as I wasn't a man, I was in a soul union with who I believed was my twin flame. We shared power, and it was being stifled from the confusion within her. This was the moment I reclaimed my soul for myself. The third promise I made to myself was to show myself unbearable compassion and embrace my divinity.
The view where I was at was a whole 180 degrees of water and mountains. There was a fog that rolled in during the trip, and watching the cloud vapors, I was definitely having some intense open eye visuals. I had never seen a fog roll across the water and it was so captivating. White clouds came rolling down a hill, and started gliding across the surface of the water. It took hours for it to stretch across the water and block all but the peaks of the mountains, but even as they started blocking the mountains, I was so awestruck. The sun set in the most glorious hues of pink and purple, and it was time to go. The tide was coming in and it was so damn cold.
While I walked down the beach, I found this beautiful piece of serpentine, about the size of my palm, and I realized then, it was my heart. The heart I had thrown into the water the night before became replaced with this glorious crystal. Sure it wasn't polished or made into a perfect heart, but it looked much more like a real heart. Serpentine is a very powerful crystal. It is supposed to amplify Kundalini energy and speed up the process. So my final promise I made to myself was to take this stone to do every spiritual practice. I will chant to it and infuse it with love and intention every damn day. When I arrived at home, I put on some music... oh man how I missed a pair of good headphones and some electronic music. My pupils were still extremely dilated, this was definitely some good L. I spent some time flowing, dancing, and having feelings of nostalgia. When I was single before, I would always do this. Friday or Saturday I would take a heavy dose and do qi gong, meditate, chant, flow, listen to music, and embrace my divinity. During the period when I was dosing often, I had the most drive, contentment, and power. Every day was my opportunity to shine, and lately, I have been feeling quite the opposite. The moment couldn't have been better.
As I was coming down, I spent a while reading Be Here Now, and laying in bed enjoying the residual effects of the L. I woke up this morning feeling like a new man. I worked out, I chanted, I got permission to do a mantra and pranayama class in a yoga studio, and now I am back on track with my spiritual path. It is too easy to get distracted when you are constantly trying to compromise or make someone else happy. It is very rewarding, but being a single person and embracing your divinity and your path, is something I am happy to be enjoying now. This trip has definitely put a 180 on my mindstate. The healing properties of LSD is one I will always cherish. My hardest trips have always been my most productive, and as an avid psychonaut I am excited to get back to tripping and sharing my stories, documenting my journey into the self, oneness, and noneness.
Thank you for reading, Sat Nam Wahe Guru.
