The Ramblings of a Vainglorious Vood

Here thar be all types of random nonsense. See the tag directory for specifics! ISTJ, she/her, mom, wife, nerd, soft stag

[grifoncito]

If you’re LGBT reblog and tag with your opinion on beer.

[hazeldomain]

Poll: if your mom remarries when you’re 26 years old is that guy still your stepdad or is he just your mom’s husband.

[hazeldomain]

The poll winner seems to be “depends on whether you like him” which is super valid.

Mine watches fox news so “mom’s husband” it is!

[brainsforbabyjesus]

My family has a great way of distinguishing between a new spouse you like and new spouse you disdain!

Your mom/aunt/grandma/etc remarries and they are actually a cool person, you use their first name. So if you were to introduce them they would be: Aunt Jane and Bob.

If your mom/aunt/grandma/etc remarries and they are a fuckwad you introduce them as: this is Aunt Jane and her second husband. The implication being that they are very replaceable and that we’re all just waiting for her to wise up to the situation and serve you divorce papers, she did it once, she can do it again.

[hazeldomain]

MAGNIFICENT

[whitepeopletwitter]

[samshine-and-lollipops-deactiva]

Wait, it got better.

[soaringsearingphoenix]

The worst part of human adulthood is being your own zookeeper

[sufficientlylargen]

I want to stuff a pumpkin full of raw meat and roll it around my enclosure, but I also know that I’ll have to be the one to clean up afterwards :-(

[soaringsearingphoenix]

Take steps to minimize the mess! Put a cheap, disposable plastic tarp down in the area you’ll be rolling it around. And.. Maybe recognize your species-specific needs and cook the meat first

[soaringsearingphoenix]

Actually, if we’re going for species-specific enrichment, a pumpkin may not be the best solution. We’re not built for pouncing on prey or batting it around. We’re distinguished by our persistence hunting and tool use

What you should do is put a pack of jerky on top of a roomba, go in another room and count to ten like you’re playing hide and seek - or use this time to find a tool to use - and when you come back, try to catch it by setting a trap or by pinning it down with a stick

When you want a greater challenge, have a friend drive an RC car full of jerky around the park, and chase it until it runs out of battery

[lemonsweet-moved]

Girls who say "yeah yeah I hear ya" When the oven beeps to show its done preheating

[theamiableanachronism]

#if i do not treat the oven as a friend then it will not be kind to the things i bake in it #and we can't have that (via @forfutureglory )

[humantested-turingapproved]

Also have to say "I'm coming I'm coming don't burn it I'm moving slow today" as I shuffle in to retrieve my goods.

[mijomii]

Sometimes I say self loathing things to my therapist and he looks at me dead in the eyes before saying “You fucking moron.” and tbh same

[mijomii]

Me: I think I don’t exist.

Therapist: Listen, you do exist, and if you didn’t, someone would have to create you because the world would be a much sadder place.

Me: Jerome, how dare you saying something so sweet when I’m dissociating.

[mijomii]

Me: Honestly, (thing that is totally fucked up for any ‘sane’ person) is normal, right?

Therapist: No.

Me: Wow.

Therapist: You’re just a fucked up bitch.

Me: I do agree with the fucked up bitch part.

Therapist: That’s a start!

[mijomii]

Me: I guess he’s still my friend?

Therapist: Considering what you told me and how much you wanna beat him to death, he’s not. You pretty much hate him despite knowing him for years.

Me:

Me: Why did I need to come here to realize that.

Therapist: Because that’s my job to help you to understand some stuff. Also because you’re way too kind and you would let someone punch you in the guts and still consider them as your friend while they stab you.

Me: I don’t need that kind of call out, Jerome.

[mijomii]

Me: Hey, I brought you coffee. And croissants too, but I ate them. *puts Starbucks coffee in front of him*

Therapist: Oh that’s nice!!... Oh my name is on it!!

Me: Yeah!!

Therapist: It’s wholesome but... *very confused and silently*... How do I drink it?

[mijomii]

Me, not being able to come to my appointment and having to call him: I’m sorry, it’s all my fault, I’m so so so sorr-

Therapist: I dare you to say sorry one more time. I dare you.

[mijomii]

Therapist: Hey I wanna show you this super funny image I found the other day.

Me: What-

Therapist: *turns his screen and show me THIS* 

Me: 

Me: Jerome.

[mijomii]

Therapist: You went to the gaypride?

Me: Yeah, I went.

Therapist: Was it something you enjoyed?

Me: Mh. Yeah. Sorta.

Therapist: Did you see some bears?

Me:

Me: Jerome wh-

Therapist: That’s the only term I know outside of the LGTB one, I wanted to use it. 

[mijomii]

Therapist: Are you sure you’re not becoming roommate with (name) because of pity? Kinda sacrificing yourself?

Me: No, I want it!!

Therapist: Finally, you’re not forcing yourself for the others! And you’re doing something you want! I’m proud of you!

Me: You’re more of a dad than my own father.

Therapist: That’s not very hard.

[mijomii]

Me: I always wondered, are you queer?

Therapist: I am not.

Me: Ooh.

Therapist: Or am I?

Me: Ooh!

[mijomii]

As an update, Jerome gave my appointment to someone’s else today so we were both in the waiting room, confused and he walked in, patted my head and said sorry but honestly it was hilarious.

The secretary came to tell me that Jerome actually forgot to write me down on the appointment list.

This is a 100% normal situation with Jerome as my Therapist.

[mijomii]

As an addition, more than half of my friends want Jerome to adopt me and refer to him as “Therapist dad”.

He’s aware of it and think it’s hilarious.

[mijomii]

Me, after complaining for the 25 times about my birth father: Idk if you noticed, but I’m full of anger against him.

Therapist: Oh, really, I never noticed. You know, you should turn that anger into indifference. It would help you.

Me: Unholy gods, I wish it was me.

[mijomii]

Therapist: You know, people will still love you even if you don’t offer them things all the time. You don’t have to do that.

Me: What??

[mijomii]

Therapist: Why don’t you send a mail to your psychiatrist when you have a bad mood swing?

Me: Like what? ‘Hey Joël wassup, I’ve been very suicidal lately last night I wanted to die. Hope you have rad vacations and the weed is good save some good kush for me, kissy kissy.’ ?

Therapist: Exactly.

Me: You’re as bad as me with human interactions Jerome, y’know.

[mijomii]

Me, heavily dissociating: I don’t exist-

Therapist: Can I touch you to prove you that you do?

Me: Dinner first.

Therapist:

Therapist: Damien, you moron.

[mijomii]

Therapist: You need vacations.

Me: I’m broke.

Therapist: Oh yeah.

Therapist: You still need vacations tho.

Me: Jerome, I am still broke.

[mijomii]

Me, by text: Hey, you just walk by me!

Therapist, by text: Oh sorry. I didn’t see you.

Therapist, by text: Wait. Were you at the tattoo shop?

Me, by text, totally at the tattoo shop: You have no proof.

[mijomii]

For a bit of context here: Around two months ago I went to a friend’s who happened the live on the same street as Jerome, which I didn’t know. He was really surprised to see me and came to check on me, asking me why I was here with a bit of concern on his voice. And this take place earlier this month:

Therapist: So your friend lives in the same street than I?

Me: Yes. Town’s short I guess.

Therapist: Were you really going to your friend...?

Me: Yes?? Why else would I be here?

Therapist: A lot of drug deals happen in this street and I see often teenagers and young adults coming and buy stuffs. I was a bit worried for you.

[mijomii]

Me, at 2pm: I’m sorry I’m going to be late!

Therapist: Your appointment was this morning at 11:30am, Damien.

Me:

Me: What.

[mijomii]

Jerome is still not aware of his fame and idk how to announce him.

[mijomii]

Therapist; What’s up with you and wanting domestic rats.

Me: I’m gonna get a rat and call him Jerome just to piss you off.

Therapist:

Therapist: How dare you.

[mijomii]

Therapist: Weed doesn’t do much on me and I must admit I’m kinda disappointed.

Me:

Therapist: Do you smoke?

Me: Jerome.

[bread-n-bed-n-head]

On hard days I wonder how Jerome is doing

[mijomii]

He’s doing fine, last time he shown me his fav pic of a red panda which is this one

[whatinrandamnation]

I FOUND IT I FOUND IT I FUCKING FOUND IT AAAAAAAH YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY THIS MADE ME FEEL

[mijomii]

It’s really amazing how happy people get when they find this post omg

[aethera-secat]

Always reblog Jerome.

Is he now aware of his fame?

[mijomii]

After months, he is, and he just told me “Haha, this is funny. I’m happy it’s helping people!”

I think he doesn’t realize that he’s known *worldwide*

[worldheritagepostorganization]

World Heritage Post

[humantested-turingapproved]

I would die for Jerome

[funnelcloudd]

How come semi trucks in Europe look like “toot toot :)” and in North America they look like “HONK HOOOOOOOONK >:|”

[funnelcloudd]

“Henlo I am big twuck pwease give me wots of woom tank u :)”

“I WILL FUCKING PANCAKE YOUR CUCK ASS”

[spontaneousmusicalnumber]

@trainwreckgenerator why did you hide these in the tags

[digitaldiscipline]

This suggests that Maximum Overdrive was Jurassic Park for motor vehicles.

[cheesedemon]

I’m sorry, but that is misleading as hell. American and European trucks are bred for different purposes.

American trucks are bred for long hauls on largely straight roads. They can go for hours without a break. A European truck needs more breaks and a lighter load, and they would indeed take great internal damage if they tried to keep up with the Longsnout.

The European Shortsnout is not bred for looks, but for agility! They navigate the windy roads of Europe in a way that would be way too risky for the powerful, but more clumsy American truck. It is true that the European overheats faster at high speeds, that is the very reason that breaks every 4,5 hours are mandatory for both the truck and the handler and a day of driving can never be longer then 9 hours.

So, all in all, appreciate all of our trucks and our shared history, and be the responsible owner that gets the right breed for the right job.

[humantested-turingapproved]

I love this website

[titlecard]

studio ghibli + night 🌙

[theocseason4]

[omruc]

being straight must be so exhausting

[sloth-incarnate]

[existent-barnacle]

[carohoku]

Can someone caption this? My gay deaf ass needs the drama.

[justahumblememefarmer]

Video Caption:

So, my daughter just came up to me all upset. I’m like, “What’s going on?”

She said, “Uh, you know how I have a crush on Dylan next door?”

“Yes.”

“Well Dad says I can’t have a crush on Dylan.”

“Why not?”

“Well, he told me not to tell you, but apparently he’s Dylan’s real dad. So that makes him my brother. So I can’t have a crush on him.”

“Mmmhmmm, huh, hmmm, Well... don’t tell your daddy, uh, but, uh, he ain’t your real dad, so... you can date Dylan. That’s fine.”

[krystal-prisms]

[gaycism]

anyone need serotonin?

[officerofmonkeyproblems]

I became very invested in the successful delivery of those carrots

[0v9]

beaver: *plap plap plap plap plap*

me: 🥺

[humantested-turingapproved]

Every time a carrot was dropped, I just whispered "oh no", and then "OK" when it was picked back up. I let out a breath I didn't even realize I was holding when the trip was completed successfully.

[rachelsgreen]

[kxte]

i’ve waited a whole year to finally reblog this

[don-t-let-them-catch-you]

Been in my queue for a year

[bearer-of-bad-decisions]

[teenagerposts]

a rollercoaster from start to finish

[humantested-turingapproved]

That last one is perfectly timed to catch his soul leaving his body

[lovely-english-rose]

what a week huh?

[memewhore]

[bleuskais]

Gokushufudou / The Way of the Househusband episode 2

Subs by Blitz Fansub

[tiktoksthataregood-ish]

[humantested-turingapproved]

THE FUCKING LAUGH AT THE END I CAN'T BREATHE

[drawingwithdinosaurs]

[monkeysaysficus]

I was not ready

[the-spook-zone]

@relatable-ram

[phraximus]

Me: *clicks video*  “The hell is all this abou-”

*whistling starts*

Me: 

[norithics]

I love this stupid fucking meme

[humantested-turingapproved]

My absolute favorite meme ever