HELLO MY LOVIES AND WELCOME BACK
college suck and i’m a auntie now, soo i’m pretty busy but i’m so excited to be back here and i hope you liked this. i went through writer’s block and now i think everything i write is shitty :(
ALSOO lmk if you want part 2 bcs i’m kinda up to that lol
WARNINGS: weed, alcohol, cursing etcc
++ tagging some people i remember from here bcs i want activityy, sorry if this bothers you pls lmk!! @tomfreakinghollandneedsaoscar @maybanksbaby @dpaccione @obxprincess @tovvaa @outerrrbanks @myrandom-fandomlife @jjmaybankzz @jjmaybankx @jaydenkazzy @teamnick @spilledtee
You lit up the blunt again, hitting it a few times before stopping for a rough cough that hurt your lungs. You can actually see JJ laughing next to you and handing you a bottle of cold water for your sore throat. You can actually hear him giggling and saying “it was better than last time, wasn’t it?” with an amused grin on his plump lips. Getting high and laughing and talking shits together was your thing. You didn’t even knew how to smoke or roll or how the weed smells, but JJ taught you everything. You used to cough a lot more because your throat and your lungs weren’t used with it, but now you are so much better at it.
You talk to yourself as you let the toxic smoke out of your mouth. Since JJ started a relationship with Kiara, talking to yourself became the worst thing you can do. Not drinking or smoking until you black out. Nope. Talking to yourself, blaming yourself and overthinking.
It’s been four months already. Or maybe more. You aren’t sure because you kept on losing the track of the time. Since then things went only downhill for you, but you keep on acting like everything’s fine. The only thing that makes you happier, even for just a damn second, is seeing him finally truly happy. You wouldn’t make him happy the way he deserves, but you know that Kie does. He always dreamed of her. She was his dream girl while you are nothing beside a best friend.
Nothing is like it was before, that’s why you chose to distance yourself. That’s why you are smoking alone on the beach while next to you is JJ’s birthday party. Something you used to enjoy with them. You and JJ always were the lives of the party and the drunkest, but somehow you always remembered everything. The morning talks at the Chateau after a party were your favorites, the laughs and the embarassing moments were the best. Strange how things are exactly the same now, but totally different. You were more excited than him about his own birthday, you always tried to make it special, but this year someone else did it. And that wasn’t you.
“[Y/N]? What the hell are you doing up here all alone?” You hear JJ’s voice and you can already tell that he’s pretty dizzy. “Are you smocking without me on my damn birthday?”
He looks pissed for a second before he laughed and took a sit on the sand next to you, almost stealing the blunt from between your fingers. You hand him your lighter, the green one you received from him on your birthday. Both of you were broke as hell, but you never missed a birthday gift. Even if that meant only a friendship bracelet or a cheeseburger or a lighter. This year JJ didn’t got you one. He planned a cute hiking date for Kie and probably ran out of money. Of course you said it was fine, but his lack of interest ruined the whole day for you.
“Well, look at this blunt. You learned from the best.” He proudly smiled at you while admiring the blunt you rolled perfectly and you fake a laugh. JJ quickly sensed. He felt in his every bone and muscle that something was up with you. Beside you standing alone at a party. Maybe that’s why lately parties just weren’t the same and felt odd: because you weren’t there like you used to.
“Hey, Bubba! What’s up wi-…” He started while pulling the blunt out of his mouth.
“I got you something.” You stop him mid sentence and making seem like it was an accident when in fact you already knew what his question was. You know JJ too damn well. The big problem here is that he knows you, too. “Happy birthday, Jay!”
“Oh” JJ whole face dropped while he ran a ringed hand into his messy blond hair. He looked so damn good with a blue button up shirt and shorts. A few buttons were opened and you can clearly see his toned chest. The one you always admired while surfing. “You didn’t had to, [Y/N]. I mean…I didn’t got you anything on your birthday.”
“Don’t worry ‘bout that.” You hand him the messy letter you had in your back pocket and he raised an eyebrow at you, clearly confused but you said nothing about it. “I just want you to read this alone, okay? Can you promise?”
He was caught off guards by your tone, seriousness all over your face. He took the letter from your hands and when you stand up from the sand, he quickly grabs your wrist keeping you still until he got up too.
“Are you alright, [Y/N]? And don’t lie to me because I already know you’re not.” You roll your eyes. JJ is stubborn and he won’t give up until he gets what he wants, but not this time.
“Look JJ, just read the letter when you are alone, okay?” You look beside his shoulder back at the party where you can spot Kiara, dancing and talking with some tourons. JJ’s icy eyes didn’t left you for a second, analyzing every one of your gestures and the way you looked exactly at his girlfriend didn’t went unnoticed. You want to leave again, his presence only making you wanna cry again, but he just moved right in front of you.
“This is about Kie? Are you fucking serious now, [Y/N]?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You quickly say, avoiding his eyes and trying to leave again. For once again, he moves in front of you, stopping on you and the way he grabs your head with his warm big palms, makes you wanna cry right there in front of him.
“Look me straight in the eyes, Bubba and please tell me that this…The new you…Is not because of my relationship with her. You love Kie. You are bestfriends, right? Please tell me I’m wrong.” JJ Maybank rarely says “please” but when he does you know is really serious and now is looking at you with pleading eyes, almost begging you to say that he’s not right. You wanted so bad to say that you love Kie, you really do. But you love him more. More than you love her. More than you love anyone fucking else.
Your silence was also an answer for him and the way his both hands went through his hair, grabbing and pulling the locks with an awful sad laugh send shivers down your spine.
“JJ-…” You started and you didn’t even dared to look up his eyes until now and when you finally do you realized why you avoided this. All you can see in his red eyes is pure rage. JJ just went right into rage mood and you know that is will end up with you crying late at night and begging to someone up there to just end this damn pain you feel.
“No. I don’t wanna hear it. How could you? You’re my fucking best friend. Why aren’t you happy for me?” JJ started yelling in your face, not caring about the tears all over your cheeks.
You open your mouth to say something, anything at all, but you just can’t. Your throat is dry and you barely see him through the tears. You had nightmares about this moment, about JJ finding out, but this feeling you have now is just tearing you apart. You really are an horrible best friend.
“I’m sorry, JJ. Please just read the-…”
“[Y/N], this won’t change shit. I always wanted to see you happy. But you? I can’t believe ths shit.”
He hit the sand with the top of his sneakers and before you even realized, the whole party was now around you. Some kooks, tourouns, other pogues and you’re friends are now here, watching you confused and curious. They are quickly next to you and JJ, Kie checking on her boyfriend while the others gave you a sad look. They all knew about your feelings for JJ, that’s why they all let you alone for a while, they knew how much seeing them together huts you.
“Hey, stupids! Chill out, okay?” John B speaks louder for the both of you while Pope and Kie are trying to cool down JJ’s temper. You, JJ and John B always been best friends. You been together as a trio since little kids and you were inseparable even since. You and your feelings for JJ ruined everything you had. You can actually see pain on John B’s face, having to see his best friends fighting was kiling him just like it does to you.
“You never were my best friend or what? Best friends don’t do this shits to each other for fuck’s sake.”
“Shut up, JJ!” Pope’s louder tone stops him and you took a huge gasp of air, tears still running down your cheeks and chin even if you try your hardest to stop them. You hate crying in front of people and now everyone is looking at you.
That was everything you said to JJ before you turned around and left the beach with your heart broken in thousand pieces.
JJ spent the rest of his night on the hammock at the Chateau, smoking and drinking everything he found at the kegger. Pope and John B left a long time ago at Sarah’s place, giving him and Kie some space to talk this out. But they didn’t talk at all. Kiera went to sleep maybe just an hour ago; she spent almost the entire night trying to get something from him, even just a little smile. She didn’t.
At the sunrise he was still laying in the hammock, holding a cup of beer in a hand and your letter in the other one, shirtless and with the wind in his already messy and probably dirty hair.
“Happy birthday to you, JJ! You’re-…You’re birthday party was a piece of shit just like you are, am I right? Yes, I am.” He drunkenly talks to himself while trying to find his lighter; the one he stole from you a long time ago and he always made sure he won’t lost it and he just fucking did.
“I lost that fucking lighter, Bubba…Just like I fucking lost you.”
What was the most terrifying for him was that when he close his eyes, you crying is the only thing he sees. Not Kie being mad at him for not talking to her, not John B and Pope being disappointed in him. Just you. The way he made you cry your heart out in front of everyone. It’s been years since he last saw you crying. It was a shock for him.
Just because he couldn’t find the lighter to burn down the letter he got from you, he decided to give it a change and actually read it. He opened the paper, your well-ordered handwriting being all over the page. He drunkenly smirks, thinking that you still do the “s” the same way you used to in primary school.
i will start this one by wishing u a happy birthday, my ray of sunshine xx i know you’ve been through a lot and i’m so happy you got this far. i’m so proud that I was next to you until now and you def are the strongest person i’ve ever know.
now…i know we got cold lately. we aren’t like we used to, but in the same time we are. nothing changed and everything did. i will sound very selfish and maybe i really am. i know i am. selfish and jealous. because she easily had what i wanted all my life. what i’ve always dreamed of.
yep Bubba. i’ve always been crazy madly in love with you. maybe you knew, maybe you didn’t. but everyone else did. even Kie. i told her that it’s alright. that you two dating won’t hurt me and i did that because all i want is to see you happy. you deserve it more than anyone and i knew that she’s your crush. your dream girl.
i still want that, dumbass. seeing you happy makes me happier. even if that’s not with me. and I’m also sorry if this is a shitty birthday gift. i will do better next year ;) if you still gonna want me in your life…
i love you, JJ Maybank. i love you to the point where i would rather kill myself every day by seeing you with another one than actually lose you for good.
our friendship was the best, most important and beautiful part of my life. please remember that and remember me…
Tears traveled down JJ’s cheeks and he quickly wiped them away, but that didn’t made them stop. He clutched his fist with the letter still in it and he closed his eyes, cursing his whole existence. He always loved [Y/N] and he was so damn oblivious and blind that he didn’t saw that she feels the same. At some point a while ago, when he always came to her to clean him up after a fight with his dad or Rafe, he realized that he’s too bad for her just as friends. He is hurting her by hurting himself and that’s all he can do best. Having him as her boyfriend won’t do her any good and she deserves way better than him. And Kie…He likes her, probably more physical.
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