K's World

Hi, I am K and this is my personal space which act as a diary as well so I hope no judgement about this. I need a place to pour out my feelings.

[hxy-90]

Am I Going Insane?

I am fed up of myself.

I have been fantasizing and imagining wild things just because some affectionate touch and attention. He is someone else's, for God sake and i feel like shit for just thinking about it. It doesn't mean I want him, I just need the affectionate touch (not a sexual touch) and attention I didn't get for 2 years from my boyfriend. It just felt being loved and cared for just with a touch.

I've always dreamt of a older brother to do these for me but sadly I am the eldest in the family. And here comes a guy who can give me what I've been dreaming of without any strings attached.

I am stumped, should I enjoy it or brush it off? To be honest, I enjoyed it this whole fucking time, like you found someone with the same frequency as you are and you are comfortable with him/her but no feelings involved.

I enjoy talking with him.

I enjoy laughing with him.

I enjoy being touched affectionately by him.

I enjoy sharing things with him.

I feel like a slut for just enjoying these little things. Am I wrong for just enjoying? I don't ask for anything else, just fucking enjoying.

i like it when he strokes my head.

I like it when he embraces me.

I like it when he hugs my huge waist.

I like it when he touches my hand.

I fucking enjoy it. Fuck fuck fuck.

Am I going fucking insane?

[hxy-90]

How Long?

Monday, February 14th 2022 08:30 PM

How long can I keep enduring these things? Even little things can bring trouble and being questioned. I hate that but how long can I endure them?

I really hope I can manage them till the end. I loved him but am I stupid to listen to every crap that he thought was problems? I am tired of those craps and just want to run away where nobody recognized me, lived a lonely life, probably, but at least I could be free.

Why did he have to compare himself to those unworthy guys? Wasn't my being with him answered all the questions and doubts? But still, he always asked shit and I am tired, fucking tired.

[hxy-90]

Standing In The Middle

Wednesday, February 2nd 2022 12.30 PM

It's tiring standing in the middle, especially when it comes to faith and family. There is no tolerance and choosing is necessary, either your faith or your family.

I have made my decision, just haven't told the other party about my choice.

I just wanna live the life I want but why it is always so hard?

Huffft

[hxy-90]

Tired tired tired !!!

Thursday, January 6th 2022 10:45 PM

Gosh, I am so tired facing this kind of relationship. Isn't relationship about two people working together to make it work? It feels like I am the only one trying.

Trying to be better. Trying to change bad habits. Trying to enter his world. Trying to know everything about him.

But... He doesn't seem to be trying or maybe he is trying but not visible yet, I don't know. i just some time alone to think about everything because entering a man's family is a huge step and I still don't know if I am ready yet.

I am so tired lately.

Tired of work. Tired of thinking about my future. Tired of trying to liven up my online store. Tired of trying to live up to his expectation.

I seem to be going nowhere and still stuck in the same place.

[hxy-90]

Again and again and again!

Monday, January 3rd 2022

We fought again this morning over something that had happened several times. It's not like I did it on purpose. It was just an accident and he blurted out painful words. Not everyone was the same but he didn't care, as long as he didn't feel the same.

Always about games and everything. It was true that gamers were the most loyal boyfriends you could ever wish for since their life revolved around games, but have you ever thought that for them games would always be no. 1 and you would always be no. 2. At least for cheaters, they put their lovers as no. 1 because they cared too much about making you happy so you wouldn't realize their affairs outside, whether they cheated or having sex with others.

It hurt to be no. 2 because it happened to me before, a few years ago where a person I loved so much and wish to spend lifetime with him, put his f**king ex as no. 1 rather than me. And he really listened to that f**king b**ch, even slapped me in public just to keep his secret hidden.

So what if his secret was out? I would always be by his side no matter what happened.

But guess what? He chose to keep his secret hidden rather than losing me.

Tragic ending and making a fool out of myself.

Would I end up with the same ending as before? Or would I end up spending my lifetime with him?

Only Allah knows.

[hxy-90]

What is Happiness?

Wednesday, July 28th 2021 09.00 AM

I guess some people didn't deserve to be happy, especially me. It's okay for me since I won't sulk about it. I haven't been happy for a very long time and even recently I had nightmares which I forgot everytime I got up. But I did know that I had nightmares because I couldn't breathe.

I didn't know how long I could endure everything. I hadn't thought about anything too recently, just living my day like a zombie. Woke up, got to work, ate, watched movies then slept. I had no dream whatsoever anymore. I just wanted to sleep with a decent nice dream forever.

At least I could control the little world I created in my dream.

[hxy-90]

Wednesday, July 28th 2021 02.10 AM

Can I just die or disappear without a trace? I really hope I could so that the burden can be lifted.

I am so tired of this fucking cruel world. Once again my quiet life was disturbed because of shadows from the past.

Why can't I live in peace?

[hxy-90]

Monday, July 5th 2021 00:50 AM

Another heartbreaking incident...🥲

I slept at 3 PM in the afternoon yesterday and woke up the next day after midnight. When I went out, no one was selling anything and it was dark everywhere. There was only 1 small diner that was still open but he didn't like the rice. He really didn't like the rice there and would prefer to buy only the food minus the rice. But because I was lazy to cook rice anymore, I walked farther to look for another diner that was still open, but all were closed. Unusual.

So, I decided to buy the food and rice from the diner that was still open. When I arrived, he woke up and I told him that I bought the rice from the diner because I didn't want to cook rice.

Why I didn't want to cook rice?

Because I didn't want to wash the rice cooker anymore, adding piles of dishes I need to wash. I didn't like the idea since I need to cook again in the afternoon afterwards.

But then, he asked me to cook rice, just for him. JUST FOR HIM. I really couldn't stand him but I still loved him.

Well, maybe I am stupid. Yes, I am. Guess I need to move on but somehow I just couldn't. I didn't know why. I felt like I was stuck with him, nowhere to go.

I was really heartbroken to have to throw the rice I had bought, WITH MONEY.

I hate myself for not able to stand for myself, for not able to move on and for only crying when something like this happened.

I HATE MYSELF!!!

[hxy-90]

Everything could go wrong just because one question, especially when it was considered as sensitive to some.

Faith and knowledge can'be separated, just like Albert Einstein used to say,

"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."

But when humans asked something just out of curiosity, it would be wrong.

Why?

[hxy-90]

Everything I did seemed to be wrong. I tried so hard to make things right but it seemed worse than ever.

I just talked about expenses and which of them were more than the others but then he felt like I was reluctant to have him here. That was not my goddamn intention.

He got it all wrong and things went wrong since then. He didn't talk or joke much, using a cigarette twice and drowned in his own world.

I was sad and frustrated but didn't know what to do.

[hxy-90]

Today I slept most of the time despite working from home.

Woke up at 8.55 AM just to tell my coworker to do the morning meeting. Then I went back to sleep until 10 AM. Woke up again, work for a while (mostly answering chats) until 12 PM then went back to sleep until 1.30 PM.

Totally woke up and continue to work until 7 PM. Don't know why but I feel very tired lately and tend to get sleepy. Either not enough sleep because I mostly sleep at 4 AM or I am just bored with my routines.

Hopefully everything will be okay soon. I am just afraid of being fired while my business is not very stable yet.

[hxy-90]

One of my favorite songs. This is one Korean TV Series "You're All Surrounded" Original Sound Track titled "Why Am I Like This". Here is the lyric if you want to sing it.

a waeirae neol barabomyeon na waeirae pyojeonggwanriga andwae eolgure sseoissnabwa neol wonhago issdago daeche waeirae waeirae waeirae naemam i think this is

love sarang amor i gamjeongeul seolmyeonghaneun daneoneun manhchiman hamjeongeun neomu swibge nambalhae deoisang uimi chajeul su eobsneun sesangeul saneun uri geusoge neowana manhgomanheun saramjung ireohge mannangeon gijeogiran maldeul yejeone nayeosseum hangwiro yeah whatever geunde jigeumeun sungan hanahana wish forever yeongwon i yeogsi toesaegdoen daneojiman neowa hamkkelamyeon ganeunghalgeos gata cheoljinan pyohyeondeulmajeo waeiri saerobge neukkyeojineunji majeo gieogna ineukkim na waeirae neol barabomyeon na waeirae pyojeonggwanriga andwae eolgure sseoissnabwa neol wonhago issdago daeche waeirae waeirae waeirae naemam i think this is love (love) love (love) it's love (love) love (love) love

ttulheojyeora bogoisseo myeochil jeon urisajin chamjareoullyeo jjigneungeuttaemachim dagaon eolguri gakkawo sungan neoui sumi naui sum gatasseo tto bogosipda saenggaghadaboni geureoda mibda haruneun uri seoroe daehae yaegi dojung neon naega amugeosdo moleunda haesseo maja naega aneungeon neobakke moreundaneungeos hana maranhaessjiman sasil algoisseo baboya ni jogeumanmaredo sangcheoibneungeon nadoya but what should i do geugeosmajeo seolleyeo LOVE IS ON AIR

na waeirae neol barabomyeon na waeirae pyojeonggwanriga andwae eolgure sseoissnabwa neol wonhago issdago daeche waeirae waeirae waeirae naemam i think this is love (love) love (love) it's love (love) love (love) love

maeilbam dwicheogimyeonseo tteugeowojin gaseumeul dallaego tailleodo jeomjeom deo dugeundaemyeo nareul jaechoghago iseo gobaeghago sipjiman amu maldo haji moshan naega neomuna miwojyeo na waeilae gaseumi tteollyeo My baby neoreul saranghana bwa sumgil suga eobsneunde ireomyeon na andoeneunde jakku waeirae waeirae waeirae naemam i think this is love

Hope you'll like it too.

[hxy-90]

Damn, I woke up late this morning, 09.30 AM.

I had a bad feeling yesterday about this and it really happens today. It will affect my performance, YES, but I hope it doesn't affect my work contract this upcoming November 2021.

Huft, I am so tired of this boring life. I wanna do something where I can be the boss, but HOW? So confused😩

Keep fighting, K!

[hxy-90]

This is Miss A, my bestie since 2009. Well we've been bestie for 12 years and still is.

She had been there through my ups and downs and there was a time she almost broke our friendship when she knew about my dark life. She told her mother about that and as a mother, she didn't want her daughter to be friends with someone bad like me. I could understand that but still it hurt a lot and I couldn't seem to grasp her reason of doing so. I told him about my dark life because I didn't want her to end up like me.

But everything is good now. We're back to being bestie and still close. She now has a date and I am happy for her. I do hope that she finds her happy ending someday. Love you, bestie!

[hxy-90]

We were together on March 2020 and broke up on November 2020.

It's a beautiful yet painful days we went through. My past as a bad girl caught up with me when I was with him. He was a good man and he still is, but he is temperamental and very sensitive. Not every past life can be accepted and it happened to me.

I lost a lot of my friends when I was with him but strangely I didn't feel any regret at all, in fact I was grateful. I was too afraid to cut out bad people in my life and he helped me, eventhough with a rather unique way.

We had broken up but still living together. I didn't mind it but sometimes I needed some time alone.

I really hope the best for him.

[hxy-90]

Just finished watching this Korean Crime TV Show called "You're All Surrounded".

A very nice TV Show and I ❤️ it. Main guy cast is Lee Seung Gi as Kim Ji Yong/Eun Dae Gu and main girl cast is Go Ara as Eo Su Seon.

Lee Seung Gi played his role very well and I fell in love with the character. A very cool yet romantic guy, fragile but persistent.

And I love this kissing scene as it is soooooo romantic and lovely. Wish I had this kind of romance in real life.