Untitled @hyozon - Tumblr Blog

Stabby the space roomba

Getting in trouble with the commander of your ship for tinkering with the roombas programming and implementing tomogatchi codes so that it beeps when it's feeding time and sends off different blinks when it needs things. Departments start painting them and taking breaks to take care of them.

alphatrekkie

imagine instead of a peaceful and graceful first contact, aliens are pissed at us and the first contact is just them complaining how hard it is to study us.

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT WAS TO STUDY YOU PEOPLE!?!?! OURS BIOLOGISTS HASENT HAS SLEEP IN WEEKS TRYING TO STUDY THE ECOSYSTEM YOU KEEP CHANGING! one generation its on the verge of collapse, with clear intentions of killing it. then the next generation you are hell bent to repair it! dont get me started on how much of a headache it was that you kept reviving extinct species you killed! we look like total idiots having to go back and change reports to the empire! not to mention are engineer also wants a word with the person who keeps changing tech so that they have to start almost from scratch studying it! like you went from not knowing anything about space to ‘oh we know the composition of near by exoplanets, how they formed, and how the universe was created’ and ‘we should colonize and terraform this planet.’ WITH IN FOUR GENERATIONS! YOU EVEN LANDED ON YOUR *(&(*^(^*&^& (translation unknown…likely to be a swear worse then any word we have) MOON WITH IN TWO DECADES OF DISCOVERING THE TECH TO GO INTO SPACE! oh and our scientists studying human culture wants kill you all herself because you keep changing culture almost on a daily bases!!! and not to mention you somehow DOUBLED YOUR LIFESPANDS SOME HOW. AND OUR GEOLOGIST IS FREAKING OUT BECAUSE YOUR PLANET DIDNT EVEN HAVE OXYGEN ORIGINALLY AND A FREAKEN CORAL MADE ALL OF IT, FROM WHICH OTHER LIFE FORMS ADAPTED TO THE OXYGEN! oh and dont even get me started on your ‘internet’!”

this would then launch a new golden age of human progressiveness and technological advancements greater then anyone has ever dreamed for one goal, and one goal only. to troll the aliens as much as humanly possible.

it will be the galaxy’s greatest prank.

therealverbosemode

Humans are Space Orcs

(Ok, yeah, I’m so getting in on this.)

I had been briefed that pack-bonding with humans they would be working with would be essential to any mission with them, and that it was relatively easy if one came bearing gifts. The Hotri matriarch who had been assisting him with his preparations had given him a tip that one of the humans he would be paired with excercised at the nature trails near the launch field at a regular time in the morning.

Sure enough, I arrived at the location and found a lone human running along the path showing signs of exertion. He slowed to a stop near me, intaking more atmosphere than I thought a creature of that size would be physically capable of processing. I lifted my crest in a display of friendly excitement.

“Greeting, human co-worker! I am Va’a’an, I look forward to serving with you!”

The human did not speak, instead bending double and showing intensifying signs of distress. I was very concerned. “Human? Do you require medical assistance?”

“Nah nah… oh god… whew!” The human checked his chronometer. “Haa… sub-fifteen… getting better. Hi there. Whooo… I’m good I swear.”

“You do not seem ‘good,’ human co-worker.”

“Good as I can be for running five kilometers. Gimmie a minute… M’name’s Craig… nice t’meet ya.”

“Greetings, human-Craig! As I said, my na-“ I stopped as my second brain finished with the math needed to convert kilometers and minutes into something understandable. “That is very far. I am now certain you need medical attention.”

“Nah!” Human-Craig straightened up. “I’m just outta shape. Nice to meet you, Van.”

“I must insist. Any creature running half the distance you just did would be at risk of expiring from exhaustion.”

“Bro, chill. Five K is basic conditioning for human athletes.”

“Running such extreme distance is a sport?”

“Literally the oldest. We call it a marathon. Forty-two kilometers.”

“What.”

Human-Craig nodded, stretching his limbs, a behavior that at least made some biomechanical sense. “Yep. Current Earth-gravity record is just under two hours.”

I stayed silent, considering the evolution that would be required to perform such a feat. I knew humans evolved as pursuit predators but what insane creatures were they chasing?!

But human-Craig felt the silence was awkward and appended more information. “Yeah. First marathon was by some Greek to announce the victory of some war in ancient times. Ran the whole way, shouted ‘we won’ and died.”

“So you made a sport of it.”

“Uh huh.”

“The horror.”

“See, Van, we’re gonna get on great.”

lennyforme-deactivated20190509

this is what my friends tell me to draw at 3:30am

lennyforme-deactivated20190509

i made it worse

lennyforme-deactivated20190509

Maybe I made it better?

lennyforme-deactivated20190509

Haha never mind

Enjoy my disgusting display of reckless disregard for anything sacred, embrace the profane (and profane accessories)

memewhore

thisarenotarealblog

chaotic neutral

teamrocketing

THATS CHAOTIC EVIL

beepbeepbeepbeep-deactivated202

🌱

unicornlordart-deactivated20190

homerognr

creamking13

mammacita23

girls send a nude i will masturbate and send u a vid 💦💦💦💦

otagam3r

Eh I dont get many of these but it’s worth a shot

night-time-fun

Meh, not gonna happen but it’s always fun to share

salty-knight

Prob not gonna happen but a virgin can dream

mojodoujin

Honestly not expecting much :/ lol

books-in-order

Pup interrupts soccer match, gives interview.

the-stray-liger

The commentator narrating the pup’s moves with the ball is AMAZING and I’m crying

stacythepunkrockstegosaurus-blog

THEY INTERVIEWED THE GOOD PUP! So happy! So pure! So deserving!!!

radioactivepeasant

It occurs to me that as much as “humans are the scary ones” fits sometimes, if you look at it another way, humans might seem like the absurdly friendly or curious ones.

I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of killing someone if it has to, and thought “I’m gonna ride on that thing!”?

And put a human near any canine predator and there’s a strong chance of said human yelling “PUPPY!” and initiating playful interaction with it.

And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything else, and decide “I’m gonna swim with our splashy danger friends!”

Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest, toughest aliens out there and say “Heck with it. I’m gonna hug ‘em.”

“Why?!”

“I dunno. I gotta hug ‘em.”

And it’s like the first friendly interaction the species has had in forever so suddenly humanity has a bunch of big scary friends.

adrenaline-revolver

“Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans.” “Why? Are they more aggressive than we anticipated?” “It seems to be the opposite Commander. Just this morning a crewman nearly lost their hand when attempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown world. Their reaction to the attack was to call the creature a “mean kitty” and vow to win it over. Upon inquiry it seems they bond so readily with creatures outside their species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien creature they have never seen before simply because it appears distressed. I hate to say this commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy’s fauna.” “I see what you mean. So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown animals without permission from a superior officer. And send a message to supplies about acquiring one of these “puppies” so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated.

radioactivepeasant

Ehehehe I love this! Every time someone adds a short story to my post it gets like 90% cuter and more epic

talkingbirdguy

Lets be honest, the humans would ignore the hell outta that rule whenever alone.

beka-tiddalik

“So I hear that you’ve just recruited a human for your ship.”

“Yes, it’s the first time that I’ve worked with these species, but they come highly recommended. Say, you’ve worked with a few, what tips can you give me? I’d hate to have some kind of cultural misunderstanding if it’s avoidable.”

“The first rule of working with humans is never leave them unsupervised.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m serious. Don’t do it. Things. Happen.”

“But wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that every crew should have at least one on board?”

“Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excellent innovators, and are psychologically very resilient. If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded wth your crew properly can be invaluable. Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew member. Their ability to get on with almost any species is legendary.”

“But Toks, didn’t you just say…”

“The trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anything. If you leave them unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into. It was sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him.”

“Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pixia?”

“The very same. Surprisingly good sense of humour. But don’t even get me started on that one time with the Dunlip. Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it. As a pet.”

“A Dunlip? You mean the 3 metre tall apex predators from Jowun?”

“Yup. Don’t leave your humans unsupervised.”

“I’ll uh, take that under advisement.”

uristmcdorf

“Seriously. Get a supply of safe animals for the humans to bond with or they will make their own. I mean, they will try to befriend anything they come across anyway, but without any permanent pets they can get… creative. Don’t even get me started on the time one of them taped a knife to one of our auto-cleaners and named it Stabby. Three weeks in and when we finally caught the wretched thing, half the humans on crew tried to revolt about us “killing” Stabby by removing the knife. “How… how did you resolve that sir?” “Glaxcol made a toy knife out of insulation rubber and strapped that on instead. Quite a creative solution, I suppose.” “And that sated the humans? “Worse.” “Worse?” “They thought it was so funny they made a second one, strapped false eyes on springs to both and held mock battles. Then decided Stabby and Knifey were in love and now none of them will allow the others to stage fights between them any more.”

deetsvibre

“So, if I supply my Humans with safe bonding pets they will behave better when on other planets? Where do I get safe bonding pets?”

“Realizing the havoc their species created with their bonding needs, Earth has been kind enough to create an inter galactic ‘pet’ shop as they call it, the order forms are on the bridge.”

“If they get a pet this should prevent any knife welding auto-cleaners?”

“Yes…”

“You don’t sound very reassuring.”

“Well… You have to understand that some of what humans find attractive about their ‘pets’ is actually what makes them dangerous. Not all of what they consider ‘safe’ is what we would consider ‘safe’.”

“OK… I am getting a little nervous about this.”

“No, no, it’s fine, I’m just saying you should maybe keep an eye on what they order. Ask them to describe the creature before they get it. For example, the first time I had a human on board I let them order a pet without checking what it was.”

“What happened?”

Well, when it arrived it was a 25 pound fanged and clawed feline creature called a Savannah Cat. My entire crew was terrified of it, it was agile and could easily have seriously injured someone, but the human had no fear of it. They insisted on carrying it around like a child, and they would squeeze it’s ‘beans’ as they said, forcing the creatures claws out, and then they would show people it’s deadly claws while saying, and I quote, ‘look at its adorable claws, this is what it uses to kills things, isn’t it cute?’“

“Seriously?”

“I have also heard stories from other crews that their humans ordered canines that weigh as much or more then they do, and they sleep next to the giant creature.”

“You are not making me feel better with these stories…”

fir-trees-unite-deactivated2017

but what if,,, what if humans aren’t the only Hold My Beer species.

We are one of two.

The Adt’harra people look kind of like a cross between a bat and an elf. Big ole radar dish ears, slender bipedal bodies, all that. Their planet is heavily forested with gargantuan mangrove swamps, and they lurk under the roots to hunt fish and birds. More importantly, they lurk under the roots to prank the shit out of any and all intergalactic visitors.

The Adt’harran love of pranks was at first a non-starter for joining the Intergalactic Alliance, but then they realized that these creatures were absolute geniuses for rigging complex mechanics in a matter of minutes, and also were simply too enthusiastic to refuse.

At around the same time, the Human people were discovered. They were rather flimsy compared to many other members of the Alliance, but further interaction proved them to be loyal crewmembers willing and able to risk life and limb for their cause and teammates. Further interaction also proved them to be reckless bastards who think it’s great fun to glue six warp cores together and try to poke a tunnel through a sun.

It was very quickly decided by the high-ups that Humans and Adt’harrans should never be allowed to interact, they would surely blow up at least three ships and cause a half dozen interplanetary incidents with their scheming.

When the Humans and Adt’harrans eventually meet anyway because neither species is really into ‘rules’, they are fast friends and the collective universe tears its hair out.

geraldmariaivo

“What now?” The commanding trnklata was, to say the least, not happy. So far he’d gotten several reports of engine failures across the fleet, and the amount of paperwork that it brought with it was completely unnecessary in his book.

And now, his assistant- the timid excalr he was - was shaking from the tone his boss used. His boss just so happened to be about two feet shorter than him. “The Gralpna in scout in sector 134? They…um…they came across a wrecked merchant ship. Most of the crew hadn’t survived, but there were a few survivors and they took them on board.”

The trnklata sighed. “Oh great, what, did the merchant ship have an Adt’harran on board?”

“No sir, the Gralpna had an Adt’harran. Engine room mechanic.” When his superior motioned for him to continue he dropped his volume. “The merchant ship, however, had a small- if believe the term is ‘pack’ -of….”

“Of what? If it’s a dangerous fauna from any one of the class 9 planets in that sector then I’m sure they can handle it, after all, even a xel’ohop has sense enough to keep it in a safe containment unit.”

The assistant muttered one word. “Humans.”

Two of the commander’s three hemoglobin-pumping organs stopped for a moment. He then spoke with a nervous irregularity in his voice. “I must have misheard you. It sounded like you said that a group of humans were found.”

“They made up the majority of the survivors.”

“But that means….there’s humans and an Adt’harran on the same ship at the same time.”

“…It doesn’t get any better from there.”

The trnklata was shaking. What could possibly make it any worse? There were two of the most irresponsible, irrational, immature species in the entire universe on the same ship- in his fleet! Surely it couldn’t get any worse.

His assistant did not miss his reaction. “I….. I’m afraid they…the humans that is, found the Adt’harran to be amusing and…”

The commander’s qrtn glands were secreting their variation of mucus by this point.

“They’ve bonded with them.”

wolfoflightandearth

“Adt'harran Hank and Human Hank had come up with a plan. A group of humans had tried and failed to poke a hole through a star by shooting it with 6 warp cores plasma glued together. Through some creative thinking they had created what they called a ‘star drill’. 8 warp cores were collected and each on put into a Hyper Warp FTL drive. The 8 FTL drives were Jerry rigged to power an experimental Plasma warp reality drill that was originally designed to drill universe portals but since abandoned and kept top secret ( no-one knows how the adt'harran and Human had found out about it let alone gotten it and modified it to their purpose) They figured this should do the trick. When general thornagrazzeirig asked, powerless to stop them due to loopholes these two had exploited, why they simply said ” it sounds fun".

sardulf.sarahah.com