Broken wonderland

we blame society, but we are society

[i-thesadtruth]

"Sometimes you think that you want to disappear but all you really want is to be found."

[i-thesadtruth]

[i-thesadtruth]

It's exactly how I felt during this pandemic, just doing routine and all has really does something to my head

[i-thesadtruth]

[i-thesadtruth]

[i-thesadtruth]

[i-thesadtruth]

[i-thesadtruth]

Heyyy hang on there yall!!!

[i-thesadtruth]

I was just a kid, enjoying life as it is until society forced their expectations upon me

[i-thesadtruth]

[i-thesadtruth]

[i-thesadtruth]

[i-thesadtruth]

[i-thesadtruth]

[i-thesadtruth]

Sometimes when depression knocks on my window, there's this thought coming at me. I don't want to heal, I want to keep being sick, paralysed even not for the attention, rather I just want to be curled in my bed with no light and no thing but my thoughts, it feel strangely familiar, it almost feels like home. Am I a bad person for this?

[i-thesadtruth]

[geekdawson]

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

[i-thesadtruth]

This! I wish more people are aware of this, and stop telling me to stop over analysing things. I can't help it and I want to stop too and telling me to stop doesn't make it any easier 😕