I. Will. Rise.

My name is Jay Ellis and this is my way of expressing my emotions in ways that I cannot dare speak.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Necromancer

Trying to live again,

After you’ve died from a lovers knife.

Makes all others seem poisoned.

And yet,

He sprouted flowers at my grave.

Breathed life into my bones.

He’s been doing his best,

To fill the hollowness and refill my cup,

Anytime it flows from my eyes.

Anytime I bleed,

He holds me close.

Washing it away from us both,

One kiss at a time.

He’s never been afraid,

Of getting his hands dirty.

Whenever he had to unearth me,

Or put me back together,

Made each stitch sweeter.

Does his best to replace the rotten memories,

And puts in something good.

Whenever I manage to tear myself apart,

Over my past self.

Worried the present isn’t enough,

He looks at me,

Saying I’m a gift enough.

And I cry because I want to believe him,

Because his eyes say it’s true,

And I’m wanting to believe in.

I love you

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Over Who

I’ve been very guarded

I don’t think I’ve ever been all in

Ever since that knife that bled me dry

I’ve spent all of my days

Doing my best to be okay

To forget you and forget your face

But you still linger on

I’ve done my best to put a lid on it

And each day I get closer to it

But I can’t seem to deny this feeling

It’s always seemingly preserving

Lingering around my days

Like a terrible gray haze

Holding me back

And I never wanted to be like that

Parts of me have come back

Like flowers poking through the cracks

But some parts are long gone

And I cant forget you or forgive you now

Cause I’m still bleeding even now

From the same knife you threw my way

And I’ve never been the same

I mourn my old ways

And playful grace

But someone else has come to play

And sprout flowers at my grave

They breathed life into these bones

But the hollowness still shows

I use to picture us together

And now I struggle

To put someone else there

I’m afraid of another lie

And it bleeds my tears dry

I use to hide my tears

And hope he’d see them

And appear just when I needed him to

But I was always left blue

All these years and I’m still crying

Over who

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Devastation

I think we had a love,

That I’ll spend the rest of my life,

Trying to heal and get over.

Because we could have,

Been so right.

But we went all so wrong.

And I can’t forgive you for that,

Cause it wasn’t my fault.

I did my best for so long,

I sacrificed every part of myself.

And after all this time,

I still can’t resurrect parts of me.

Nor can I bury them with you.

I can’t seem to make you stay,

In the grave you dug yourself.

You come to me,

when I least expect it.

And I have to learn to bury you,

And let go all over again.

Memories of us will haunt me forever.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Dreamstate Relapse

Dreams of you.

Loving me again,

Betraying me again,

Got me questioning.

Why do I still defend you?

Why do I still fight for you?

When you never did.

Why do I do this to myself,

You torture me so sweetly.

Heaven knows.

I still can’t stop the bleeding,

I question myself.

What’s wrong and what’s right?

But who knows,

When you’re all I can think of,

Tonight.

I fought your family and mine,

And put my heart on the line.

Just for you to turn tail and run,

Knocked me out under the dying sun.

Awoke to know the truth,

I’m still stupid,

When it comes to you.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Taken by Surprise

In all the hypothesis’s I thought of.

The one that actually happened,

Made me shake and took my breath away.

To be greeted by a genuine smile.

Left me confused.

I never expected to see you.

Your smile seemed to tell me,

You were happy to see me.

But no words were exchanged,

As I went on my way,

Back to the present.

Before I get dragged back to my past.

I don’t want to relapse.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

What I Once Thought was True Love

You were a fluke.

A lost hope.

A crushed dream.

You stole the light in my eyes.

An unrelenting Reality.

You broke down all my fantasies.

You popped my bubbly personality.

Took a knife and twisted it in my heart.

Told your pretty lies,

Masked the truth.

And yet… I still loved you….

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Memories in the Melodies

How many more tears?

How many more years?

Do I have to go through,

To fully let go of you.

The radio and my mind,

Get to decide, what to play.

The memories wash over me,

And sweep me away.

They bring me back to a time,

When your hand was in mine.

But that’s old stories and news.

And my heart and mind get confused.

Cause every time I review it.

There’s nothing I could of done better,

But I still lose it.

I forgiven myself, I got help.

And I pray every day,

That you’re happy,

And that I’ll be okay.

Moving forward has been hard

But with his hand in mine.

I’m feeling a new start.

Healing old wounds,

And listening to old tunes.

But at times they still bring me back,

To you.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Thousand Ways

I hope you know,

I love you in at least a thousand ways,

I didn’t know existed.

You had lit the paths,

I was too afraid to explore.

You helped clean up,

And provide support,

In places that were barren-dry,

All my life.

Suddenly like being blessed,

By the heavens.

My body had seen rain,

And most importantly love,

That it hadn’t for years.

And it pierced the surface of my being,

Love soaked down into me deep.

And flowers popped up,

In places I never seen.

I discovered sides of me,

I could only of dreamed.

Your love gave me life,

In ways I had never seen.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Own This Place

You’ve been showing up in my dreams,

Like you own this place.

This month truly makes the memories,

Fester and morph.

I see your face every night lately.

And last night I relived how we met.

Today 11 years ago.

But it didn’t end the same way.

Everything I once cherished and loved,

Has been destroyed,

I want to leave the dead where they lie.

Why do you torment me so?

All of this just brings me pain,

I want to focus on now.

Leave me alone,

You have a pattern of coming back,

And going away.

You never stay.

We haven’t spoken for years,

But still find ways to hurt me.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Together

After fighting so long,

I had given up.

Abandoned the war,

That we were fighting for.

When I realized,

I was the only one fighting,

You weren’t by my side

Boots weren’t even laced up.

I vowed never to go-

Back to war,

But then I found the one,

Worth fighting for.

He meets me in our flight or fall,

He stands with me through it all.

He reassures me,

He proves it to me.

He and I, are in this together.

We’ll fight side by side forever,

He’s staying firm and holding on.

I won’t leave,

No matter what’s on.

It’s him and I verse the problem.

And they will never see,

What got them.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Clarity

I asked God for clarity,

As you kept appearing in my dreams.

I wasn’t sure what to think,

As everything continues to sink.

I still wait for you to come around,

Yet you’re never to be found.

And then I am abandoned once more,

Just like when you tossed me out the door.

And I awake hurt,

Once more.

When will my dream self learn,

The past isn’t worth repeating,

When it still causes bleeding.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Ask Myself

I ask myself all these questions

And what’s the meaning behind it

I try to dig down deep

So I can truly find it

But I’m still left confused

Playing 20 questions with myself.

Why are you still plaguing me?

Do you think about me?

Do you ever wonder how I’m doing?

What do I do with all this

Second hand knowledge

Of someone I use to know

And with all this old love

That I had for you that I never showed

It’s not quite dead but definitely overgrown

What do I do with all these memories

Of us together

The happy, the sad, and coulda done betters

The years and years of conversations

The care, The I wanted you theres

The hopes? The dreams, me ripping at my seams.

From our-my shattered dream.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Just Love

Just Love isn’t enough.

Goals and needs, need to be met.

I can love you until I’m blue in the face,

But what would that do.

Other than put me in an early grave.

I can love you and you can love me,

But if that’s all it is,

We shouldn’t meet.

Cause you and me together,

Should never be.

Just cause we love each other,

Doesn’t mean we’re meant to be.

I still am learning and letting go.

I feel the emotions out,

Process it and go,

I miss you, I do.

But what ifs never work,

And neither, did we.

Only did, when we were in it like a team.

Our minds need to align,

And what we want in life,

But we choose different sides.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

I Dream of You

You appear in my dreams,

Farther away from me than it seems.

Yet I always linger and keep my distance,

Wondering what to do,

What do I want from you.

Why do you still show?

I’m curious I know,

So I start to approach,

Hesitantly so.

Not wanting to get hurt,

Have my feelings trampled in the dirt.

Yet you do not do so.

I end up confused and run from you.

As this is just a dream of you.

But when you come once more,

I open the door and it’s all like before.

What do I do?

Part of me will always love you.

So I see you in my dreams,

Mixed with the misery.

And I concede that I do.

But still wake confused,

As that’s not the real you.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Technicolor Gray

You visit me in my dreams,

More than you have in reality,

Maybe that should tell me something.

We are over and done with,

So why do you appear.

Causing me issues,

Turning my emotions into nightmares.

You made so extremely happy,

Yet also so depressed.

Even rain on my parade,

When I’m with others now.

The thought of you,

Mutes my emotions.

I’m trying to stay technicolor,

But you’re still making me gray.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

On Purpose

I’ve been ugly.

I’m broken, battered, and bruised.

Yet he looks at me like I’m new.

Like a mystical, magical, muse.

He isn’t bothered by the scars of use.

They don’t disillusion him.

A look, I haven’t seen in a long time.

A way of treatment, that didn’t sit right.

A concept, that became so foreign to me.

He made me. A priority. On. Purpose.

He loves me on purpose and is consistent.

[i-will-rise-empowered]

Into The Unknown

My head is running the numbers,

My heart is skipping beats,

My knees are shaking,

My feet are numb beyond belief,

My chest has tightened,

My mind is spiraling down.

This unknown adventure,

Effects me down to my core.

Yet...my feet keep moving,

My knees continue to rise,

My chest loosens,

My heart continues to beat,

My head is guiding me.

My mind whispers; Don’t let it stop me.

Into the unknown -I go!

Down this path with you.

I’m unsure as this is all new,

But my bags are packed,

My tickets have been booked.

My journey is set with you,

As we embark on this adventure together.

Side by side.