Today I want to write to you my children.
 I know I am not the best Mother, and I know I am not even the best person. The day I found out I was going to be a Mother, I literally felt every cell in my body die. I knew that I wasnât made to be a Mother, and everything inside of me said pick the higher road be better. I tried, I moved on with life. One of you became more than this weird moving thing inside of me. For that single moment I thought maybe I can do this. Maybe this is the Universeâs way of telling me I was made to be a Mother. I functioned well, adjusted and gave up everything that had become who I was. I devoted my everything to being better than what I was raised by, on all fronts. I knew if I was going to do this I had to be better.
Then, I helped created the second one of you and that was the moment I knew that I had messed up. You became real more then just a weird feeling inside of me. I was lost. I looked at you with this glazed look on my face, I was numb. No one saw it, no one said anything. I knew in that moment I wasnât suppose to be a Mother. I knew everything that I had been telling myself before the first one arrived was true. I had knowing chose to make a mistake that cost me everything. I was lost. I couldnât climb out of where ever it was that had covered me. I didnât reach out to anyone, I didnât try to fix it; I just kept breathing. I remember the day I felt like I had woken up from this never ending blank state. I put my big girl britches on and forced myself to see. I knew I had to do something or I would never find my way out. No one could see what was happening to me, no one knew what was happening to me, and know one tried to find out what was going on with me. It was as if I had lost a year of my life; poof gone.Â
Now that I can see I am trying to find myself again. I cry for no reason, I get mad for no reason, I find myself fading away for no reason, and I see myself settle for what I has become normal.Â
I know that I am not the Mother I should be, however I hope to become a sliver of the Mother I want to be for you both.Â
I know none of this means much to you know and maybe someday you will see this and understand why I wasnât perfect. I dream of a place I will we could be in, happy, free and not running from the dark that is chasing me down. I imagine this place will grass as far as the eye can see that me can have picnics in, star gaze, or just run throw. It has the most perfect house, small but still beautiful. It has a wrap around porch that we race around as the sun goes down, and a swing on it. Itâs two story, and inside you walk into a room full of books, and a room were was can paint, and a room were we eat dinner together without yelling or anything negative, and a room were we bake together. Upstairs we have four rooms; of course a bedroom for each and extra room that we turned into a movie room. We have a fort inside of the room that we snuggle all three together and just enjoy the movie. It just us three and the image is so perfect that I never put reality to it.
I know that sometimes I am extreme, but I also know that the extreme is the place children live in for the most amount of life.Â
I apologize my sweet children for all that I am, when I know I should be all that you need me to be. I will get this under control. I will not be this way forever. I can be more, I can be better, and I can be the Mother two little boys, growing into men, need. Â
dailybridgerton
stormborns
jacobvanloon
andulkaphoto
annaxmalina
