["GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR ANGER
If you're willing to get angry and the anger just doesn't seem to come, there are many ways to get in touch with it. A little like priming the pump, you can do things that will get your anger started. Then, once you get the hang of it, it'll begin to flow on its own.
It's often easier to get angry for someone else's pain than for your own. That's fine for a beginning. Imagine a child you love being treated the way you were treated. Read the writings of other survivors in anthologies and feminist journals. You can listen to their stories at conferences, workshops, and in small support groups. You can look at the expressions of grief on their faces and be touched. You can hear their fury and be incited. Know that any time you cry or get angry for someone else, it taps your own grief and anger as well.
Getting into an angry posture also helps. Physically taking an angry stance, making menacing gestures and facial expressions, invites genuine anger to arise. One woman, who described herself as much more prone to feeling hurt than angry, was quietly weeping during a therapy session. As she relates:
My therapist scooted her chair toward me so that her knees almost touched mine. Then she put out her hands, palms facing me, and instructed me to put her palms against hers. "Push," she said. "Push against me." I pushed against her palms and she pushed back. As I pushed harder, she met me with equal pressure. It took all of my strength to maintain. Within seconds, I was angry. The tears were long gone. I was mad! And it felt powerful.
Therapy and support groups can be ideal places for stirring up anger:
I felt incredible anger, but I never allowed anger my whole life. It was really a difficult thing to let out. One day my therapist got up out of her chair, and she said, "Your father's in that chair." And she handed me a rolled-up towel and she said, "I want you to hit your father."
It took me a long time to psych myself into doing that, but once I started, I couldn't stop. I pounded and screamed until I couldn't move anymore. It was such a relief.
Many survivors are afraid of getting angry because their past experiences with anger were negative. As one survivor put it, "I don't get the difference between anger and violence yet. When I hear loud noises, I think they're coming after me." In your family, you may have witnessed anger that was destructive and out of control. But your own anger need not be either. You can channel your anger in ways that you feel good about and respect.
Even women with no history of violence are often afraid that if they allow themselves to feel anger, they're liable to hurt or kill someone.
I know the anger is there. I'm too scared to let myself experience it. I'm scared that I won't be gentle with myself. That I'll turn the anger on myself. And I'm so used to watching other people hurt people. I don't want to be a perpetrator. I don't know how to discharge my anger in a way that's safe.
It is extremely rare for women to violently act out their anger toward the people who abused them as children. And for women with no history of violence, the fear that you might hurt someone with your anger is usually unrealistic.
Anger is a feeling, and feelings themselves do not violate anyone. It's important to make the distinction between the experience of feeling angry and the expression of that anger. When you acknowledge your anger, then you have the freedom to choose if and how you want to express it. Anger does not have to be an uncontrolled, uncontrollable phenomenon. As you welcome your anger and become familiar with it, you can direct it to meet your needsâ like an experienced rider controlling a powerful horse."]
