S-Rank In Cringe Culture

“‘Sup babies!” Indie & Private Gwenpool

[idontreaddeadpool]

sp-doubleslash-dr‌:

   Do you ever have one of those days where you’re just sitting around, drinking hot cocoa and listening to video game soundtracks, and then suddenly you’re being pulled into a blindingly bright white vortex that you had no part in creating?

No?

Well Peni is somehow having one of those days, and she’s just dropped her cocoa. That, and her mech just flew past her into the scary white vortex, which also is bad, but… that was good cocoa, man.

Sighing, Peni lets go of her desk, letting the vortex pull her in, hoping to god this wasn’t some kind of black hole, because that would suck?

…

Okay, so not a black hole! Just a nice amount of flight time over some weird lady with no pants, and a hard landing on a metal floor! Ow.

“… Ow.” SP//dr is nowhere to be seen, and Peni is pretty sure she’s bruised like, most of her body with that landing (she’s not as graceful as the other spiders). “Did- nngh… did you… open that portal?”

Gwen was thrilled with the results of her button mashing, just like when she used to play Marvel: Ultimate Alliance back in the day and X-Men: The Arcade Game the day before that. She had produced a small human! Was this what motherhood felt like? Eye strain and pride?

Her demeanor was bouncy and she practically skipped along to the platform, which was warm to the touch. Probably nothing to worry about, no radiation sickness or anything. Those consequences were too real for a place like this.

“Hiiiiiiiii. I’m Gwenpool!” 

Gwenpool avoided the question like an expert by not answering or even addressing it at all.

“Are you a danger to society? A runaway criminal from another universe, maybe? Someone I can stop to prove my worth, perhaps?”

If the answer to any of those questions were ‘yes’, Gwen was pretty certain that she could take out someone of such a short stature. Wolverine was an argument against the short = weak assumption, but this girl did not look like a Wolverine. 

“I’m a total hero around these parts but, well, nobody really cares so... I’m trying to show them why they should care.”

[idontreaddeadpool]

nodamnstogive‌:

“Coffee?”

It was the only thing that Jessica drank these days. If there was such a thing as an IV that dripped caffeine into her veins, she would walk with one of those attached to her arm at all times. 

“And you’re telling me that it smells bad, kiddo? Are you kidding me? You should try vodka or whiskey or Logan’s breath if you want something that smells really, really, really, bad.” 

“Do... not... drink... M.U.... coffee...” 

Note made. 

Gwen offered Jessica a bright smile. It was genuine and full of awe. Freaking Jessica Jones! That was the first MAX comic she had ever read! Ha ha, her foolish parents, comic books were definitely all for children absolutely! The smile went on for a little bit longer than was comfortable because, in complete honesty, she was starstruck.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get close enough to Wolverine to ever smell his breath unless he’s stabbing me in my tum. I’ve only smelled Deadpool once but he’s up there on the unpleasant smells that make me wanna vom list.”

[idontreaddeadpool]

mannamedafterwire‌:

   “Er. I just like the taste. Who the hell are you, exactly? A cosplayer or some shit?” It wasn’t often that he got recognised, but of course, it had to be one of Wade’s ‘fans’. 

“A cosplayer?” Gwen sounded offended, probably because she was offended. “Dude, I’m GWENPOOL! I’m a top mercenary-superhero-awesome-butt-kicker-defender-against-evil-and-stuff! I’m worth at least ten Cannonballs and maybe, like, two Boom-Booms.”

[idontreaddeadpool]

desirenotneed‌:

“YOU too are fond of the memes?” shiklah scrutinizes the girl for a moment.  it seems a misunderstanding in truth, but she will not have her people living in fear of coming back to their own home because someone had mistaken eugene for an alien.  she contemplates what to do – to have her pay would be easy, she is unrecognizable in the arsenal of heroes that shiklah knows.  how formidable could she be?  “perhaps.  tell me, child, what is your name?”

Gwen doesn’t like the sound of that ‘perhaps’. Perhaps is not a definitive yes, it’s pretty much the opposite, perhaps means there’s a chance that she’s going to be killed or held prisoner until the end of her days. Nobody’s going to read a blog where the main character is stuck in an old monster dungeon! She tries to smile with a confidence that she does not feel. “Gwenpool, uh, ma’am. Your highness. I am fond of memes, yes, unless that’s a black mark against my name in which case, what’s a may-may?”

[idontreaddeadpool]

spidcrhaunt‌:

   “That’s why I’m asking questions first, potentially fighting you later. I deal with a looooot of alternate dimension stuff, so… y’know, I’ve met other Gwens. You don’t sound like a Gwen Stacy, but I can’t be too careful.” She’s not sure who ‘Charles Xavier’ is, but the ‘disconnecting people’s brains’ example is enough reason to look into that later.

“So. Just tell me who you are, and if you’re here to be evil or not! Easier to bond over random references to campy horror flicks when we’re both on the same side.”

Gwenpool wriggles and writhes within the webbing, wonderfully and woefully keeping up the alliteration within the narration within her own mind. It’s strong stuff, so strong in fact, she can’t break it. She has a plan.

“I’ll tell you who I am! I’ll tell you exactly why you can’t do this to me, why it’s so important that you let me go.”

Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it. Don’t. Say. It. 

“I’m baby.”

[idontreaddeadpool]

buryme-withmyspurs‌:

“If you know how to rodeo, I reckon you can earn the priv-i-lege.  Let’s see how you two-step.”

The job she had picked up from Ronnie’s to earn some cashola had said to go to the Buffalo Saloon and knock some sense into a guy called Small Abraham. Gwen had clearly double-booked onto this job with Cowgirl Lady here, and maybe that would be a good thing (so long as her powers weren’t the sex position and/or wrangling cattle). There are at least ten disposable enemies to dispose of before Small Abraham came onto the battlefield, so, best get started.

“Oh-kay Cowgirl Lady, let’s do this!”

I have no idea what that cowgirl just said, Gwenpool thinks to herself.

[idontreaddeadpool]

spidcrhaunt‌:

@idontreaddeadpool liked!

   Ah, Earth 616. This dimension was full of villains to tear apart! Like, so many villains. Gwen had her work cut out for her here.

It’s the same as usual - hop in, find a villain, or a petty criminal - and slaughter them mercilessly! Good, wholesome fun for the whole family, and nobody has to waste time with jail. Nobody can escape jail, and carry on committing crimes, if they’re dead.

With how like, dark and gritty Gwenom is, however, the last thing she expected to see is some weirdo with no pants and a bright pink and white outfit having… mostly done her job. These guys don’t look dead, but there’s no hunt if they’re unconscious.

“We’ve not seen you, before. On all the Earths we’ve seen, all the people we’ve fought, you are… new.“ Crawling (skittering?) down the wall, Gwenom keeps a close eye on this strange… hero? The swords are cool.

“The swords are cool.“

She has mostly dispatched of the nameless, faceless goons left in this nondescript warehouse explicitly for her to defeat. The narrative is a generic one and it’s only when she hears the voice that Gwenpool realizes that this is a set-up for something greater.

Gwenpool spins on her big-booted heel and looks into the inky dark. There’s something there and it sets the hair on the back of her neck on edge. Her mouth draws into a thin line and once her eyes adjust to the dark she swallows a breath.

Gwenpool no-likey the Venom-looking girl.

“Ha ha, thanks, the swords? Yep, cool. Mine, too, they’re mine too, I mean. Good things for cutting, slicing, dicing, letter-opening if you’re skilled enough. There are lots of uses for swords. Actually, no, there aren’t. It’s mostly that stuff I already listed.”

She hopes that her nerves hold, because she feels like she needs to pee and she doesn’t particularly want to die. Although perhaps a pee-pee stain would prevent her from being eaten. Maybe file that under ‘last resort’, Gwen.

“You fight a lot of people across a lot of Earths? I stick to this one, it’s Earth-y enough. Ain’t broke, don’t fix it. That’s the Gwenpool philosophy. Sometimes. I’m Gwenpool.” 

[nodamnstoarchive]

                          Independent and Selective Earth-616 Jessica Jones 

                                                          Written by Sandra. 

                                                      Est. 2017; Rebooted 2018.

[idontreaddeadpool]

sp-doubleslash-dr‌:

@idontreaddeadpool liked!

   “You know, I get that a lot… everyone that isn’t from my dimension tells me I look like an ‘anime’. I don’t get it myself.” SP//dr beeps in agreement - what even is an anime!! What does that mean. “I thought it was an insult the first time someone called me it, but apparently everyone likes anime? Or… not everyone? Someone called me a ‘weeb’, whatever that means.”

Gwen lets out a long, drawn out uncomfortable hum. “That sounds rude. People just straight up look at you and say, ‘hey, you look like an anime!’?” Gwen just thinks that commenting on one another’s art styles all the time would make this a hella cruel world to live in. “Was he tall, wearing red and black and carrying swords? Because that might explain it. Deadpool is a jerk! There’s nothing wrong with you, next time, just get the big robot here to stomp on ‘em. I know killing probably isn’t really your deal, but there’s nothing better for a bully than a crushed knee or two.”

[idontreaddeadpool]

“All the things I owe are totes in the queue! Three posts a day, babezzzz! See them z’s? Means it’s sleepy time nap time for your favorite character you didn’t know was your fave (that’s me).”

[rodrickheffeley]

we stanning gwenpool.

[idontreaddeadpool]

@nodamnstogive continued from this x <- right here

“First of all, big fan, appreciate you letting me stop in like this. Second of all, I’ve got both cash and spunk in equal measure so I should be able to buy myself into your life until you can’t help but adore me entirely after first begrudging me for a few arcs. Thirdlastly, can you tell me what it is you are drinking because it smells bad and I would like to never put it into my body, thanks.”

[idontreaddeadpool]

“I’ve read a lot of comic books, my dude.”

[idontreaddeadpool]

@symbioteburnout is one of the cool kids who liked this! Congrats!

It was a little awkward being interrupted in the middle of changing into your superhero gear by what looked to be Venom’s younger sister. She’d seen her on covers back in the real world, but hadn’t got around to reading those trades yet. Gwenpool adjusted her mask and made sure her hair was all stuffed up inside that thing. She needed to convince her that she definitely was not up to any trouble. Gwen clipped on her sword harness and offered the biggest grin she could.

“Suuuuuuuuuuuuup?”

[idontreaddeadpool]

@embodieshorror hears a loud crash, clicks this, finds a Gwen (hi!)

Gwen quickly bent down to begin picking up the numerous Blu-Rays she’d knocked to the floor with her enthusiastic hand-waving. It was a large stack of movies which were no doubt assembled with great care by one of the members of staff here.

“I’m telling you, dude, horror movies don’t hold a candle to horror comics. Movies are limited by budgets, those old effects look blech. Comics are only limited to, like, the writer and artists’ imaginations. You don’t get Hack/Slash in the movies because you can’t get a studio to agree to having Chucky and chainsaw-hand-guy in the same universe without jumping through a gazillion hoops.”

[idontreaddeadpool]

@shellheadtm better have clicked this to gimme some dolla dolla bill$ y’all

Gwenpool was inside Iron Man’s office and it did not matter how she got there, because she was already there and there was nothing that he could do about it! Except for, well, suit up and unibeam her through the glass and onto the street below, she supposed. That wasn’t an Iron Man move, she hoped.

“Since I’m here and I may as well be polite, would you prefer it if I call you Tony, Mr. Stark, Daddy, Mr. Man, Iron Sir or THE INVINCIBLE IRON MAN? B.T.W, there’s really no use in asking me how I got in here because ‘jumping through the post-borders’ won’t make a lick of sense even to the smartest man in the Marvel-U.”

She got up from the chair behind his desk, assuming he may want to sit in it, and instead took a seat in one of the chairs on the opposite side. 

“Anyway I’m Gwenpool, if you don’t know that already, and I’m ready to be an Avenger, because I am knowledgeable about a great many things and definitely worth starting a third Civil War over. I’m not sure who’d turn fascist this time but I’d probably wager on it not being you, so here I am.”

[idontreaddeadpool]

@sp-doubleslash-dr clicked this and got this, which is how this works!

Gwen had been pushing all the buttons on the big glowing console attached to the platform. When there was a sign that said ‘DON’T TOUCH’ and that sign had another sign stuck on it that said ‘EVER’ she just knew that she had to touch it. Sure, she had to totally K.O. some NPCs before she could get to the control panel but she was only ripping a hole in space-time to try and make things more interesting around here. She didn’t get to go on dimension-hopping adventures like all the other legitimate heroes, it was about time she hit the big leagues! 

“The glowing light which hurts to look at is probably a good thing.”