if cats were paleo

if cats were like those ppl on social media who act all high and mighty for eating like pretend cavepeople *reader submissions welcome, text and photo alike; this is satire so calm thyself*

[ifcatswerepaleo]

Favorite Mouse Tartare recipe!

Ingredients:

1 free-range organic mouse

mess of grass or leaves for garnish

Instructions:

Find mouse outside (inside mice are not acceptable for clean eating because they’re indoors). Kill mouse. Swat mouse about to tenderize. Bring indoors. Present to human. Get kicked back outside. Swat mouse about a bit more to help infuse the outdoor flavors. Roll mouse in grass/leaves. Devour delicately. Leave subsequent hairball in human’s shoes at 3 in the morning.

[ifcatswerepaleo]

Have you taken the time to ignore your human yet today?

[ifcatswerepaleo]

...second, you can leave things in earshot of your human while your human is sleeping. There’s nothing quite like vomiting or hacking up a hairball at the foot of your human’s bed and watching them bolt upright and yell helplessly as you scramble away, leaving a trail behind you.

[ifcatswerepaleo]

...first, you can leave things about when your human won’t see you. You still get the pleasure of watching your human’s reaction, with the added benefit of pumping up your ego by being sneaky.

[ifcatswerepaleo]

There are two different strategies you can use to improve your mental health via leaving “presents” for your human...

[ifcatswerepaleo]

The last place I’ll talk about for now, and the most sneaky and thus beneficial for your mental health, is in your human’s work shoes. Bonus points if they’re expensive shoes and if your human isn’t a morning person and just sticks their foot right in.

[ifcatswerepaleo]

I’ve been saying hairballs since those are most likely to come from eating clean. If you’re doing it right, you’ll be eating an entire mouse, which is kind of fuzzy. But these tips work just as well for other functions, too! Pooping, leaving mouse bits, and vomiting in odd places all have similar effect.

[ifcatswerepaleo]

If you live in a multi-level house, stairs are also a wonderful place to leave hairballs. Not only will they be more difficult for your human to see (and clean up), but they also have greater potential for causing your human to stumble and fall down the stairs hilariously! Watching your human fall is just another way to help your own mental health.

[ifcatswerepaleo]

Hairballs are kind of a pain, I know. They can hit you at the most inconvenient times. But why not take advantage of them for your mental health? Bath mats are also a perfect place for hairballs.

[ifcatswerepaleo]

I’ve found that my human tends to be most annoyed when I leave mouse pieces right next to her bed. This location is also great for hairballs. If you do have to hack up a hairball, why not do it where you’ll have the most possible benefit, both from getting rid of the hairball and from watching your human step in it?

[ifcatswerepaleo]

There are tons of great ways to annoy your human. Actually, eating free-range mice is one of them, as long as you make sure to leave bits of the mouse about. Look at that, physical AND mental health from one easy source!

[ifcatswerepaleo]

Mental health break! Have you annoyed your human today?

[ifcatswerepaleo]

Most experts say a vegetarian-fed free-range diet is best, but you still have to weigh the benefits of each option for yourself. Birds have so many health benefits; it’s up to you whether you think the benefits outweigh the potential costs. Personally, I think the benefit of severely annoying your human also puts birds fairly high on the “healthy” list. Mental health is part of your overall health, too!

[ifcatswerepaleo]

Birds sound like a miracle food, right? It’s because they totally are. But you should still be conscious of the fact that most birds aren’t going to be completely vegetarian.

[ifcatswerepaleo]

Still not sold on eating free-range birds? First of all, that’s silly, because birds are as free-range as it gets, so clearly that means they’re super healthy to eat. Second, look at all the nutritional benefits. Birds have no carbs! And if you happen to swallow a feather, it’s fine because feather are made of basically the same stuff as your fur so it’ll definitely help your coat stay sleek and shiny.

[ifcatswerepaleo]

Even if you don’t want to eat a pheasant, for whatever reason, there are plenty of other free-range options for you. Birds of all kinds are everywhere, and even though your human will probably be more upset if you catch a bird as opposed to a mouse, your health is so much more important than your human’s comfort. Catch that free-range bird and eat it without guilt.

[ifcatswerepaleo]

If a larger free-range rodent still isn’t enough, some cats might find it helpful to work up to even bigger free-range food. I have known cats who have eaten full-grown pheasants! As an added benefit, if you can’t finish the pheasant (who can, really??), you can share it with your friends and then swat them on the head when they get too close to you.