Letting Go and Loving God
I think being hateful and bitter is now “the new black” - everyone is doing it, and it's ok. I used to be one of these people. I had a lot of hate in my heart from not having my father around and having my heart broken. I think we all have to be honest. The one grudge I just couldn't let go of is the one I will talk about below.
We have all been in love, or something close to it. One time or another we have had our hearts broken. I think a broken heart is one of the hardest things to get over. I had liked a lot of other guys who were my boyfriends or guys I would talk to, but this man was different. I knew all the bad stuff he had done to other girls, and I was warned - yet, I still had to be with him. What got me the most is the fact that I would see him be so mean and cruel to other people and when we were alone, he would be so completely nice and gentle with everything. I felt like no one knew him like I knew him. He did those nice things guys did like talk to you every day, say good morning, take you out to lunch, walk or drive you home, and kiss you goodnight. It was even better since he never tried to pressure me into having sex with him when that was what he did with all the others. I felt special, like this could be it. I was sure he was the one, we would get married and have kids. Then, literally like the snap of a finger, he was that guy I was warned about. He started out ignoring me sometimes and being distant. I had later found out he was with someone else. I had never cried so much over a guy. I felt like my whole world was over, and I had nothing to live for. It was as if no one was going to love me or do the things he did for me ever again. I couldn't even love myself! I was depressed, not eating, sleeping all day and night, playing sad love songs on repeat, crying myself to sleep, and I would even randomly cry in public. It was sick!
After the depression was the Hate. I never hated someone so much. I wished bad things upon him and his new girl. I thought all the time: “how can she just take what was mine? Why can he love her and be with her, but he couldn't love me? What did she do that I couldn't do?” I wanted to hit him with my fist… and my car. Anytime someone spoke his name, I would wince and get angry all over again. It’s like this man consumed all of my thoughts and energy. Even until recently I would think about him and wonder what it would have been like if we were still together. I became sad and angry, that is, until I started living my life for God.
Once I surrendered and gave everything to God, He has shown me how to let go of that hate and forgive and love my enemies; love the ones who hurt me so much, strangers and friends included. I feel that now I can finally have peace, and I understand why we never worked out. I understand why he would have never loved me. God has a plan for us all, and he was never supposed to be in mine. I feel like I went through that because I was stubborn and impatient, so He was teaching me what happens when I don't put my faith in Him and when I am not patient and trust Him. I have learned that, to love someone, I have to first love Jesus. I was lacking that love - I had to love myself and know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and loved by God. The man I end up being with must also be a man of God and love himself. I know now that, if I ask, I shall receive, and I have prayed about this and know that when God says I am ready, He will put a man of His choice in my path, and I will truly be able to appreciate this man’s faithfulness, honesty, and love.
So, if you still have that hate in your heart for anyone who hurt you, whether it be from a relationship, friendship, family, or stranger, the only way to truly be at peace and love everyone as God has commanded us to is to fully submit to God. And if you are saying to yourself that you have fully submitted to Him, yet you still have this hate and disgust for someone it is because you have not in your heart fully submitted, and you are lacking Jesus. You need to pray to Him and tell him that you want Him to open your heart, take all of your pain, and replace it with love. Tell Him you want to be filled with Him, and truly mean it. Otherwise, you will be stuck in this same place hating and not understanding.
Here are some scriptures that help me understand and get through this:
“4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and t keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
“14 If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
“Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs.” (NTL)
“Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.”