phones away

Schizo-maxxer

[ihatealester]

Alester 005

I meet her in the lobby of her building on ***th street. I don't remember the building number and I don't remember her unit. All I have to go off is the ramp that leads up to her door. The same ramp where I met a stray cat- a little black one with white feet. I named him Boots. Boots was covered in fleas and I remember itching and scratching my legs on the hour long ride back down south from Washington Heights to the West Village. After dinner we sit on her bed. she brings out a card game with corporate ice-breakers: do you have any pets, what did you want to be when you grew up, if you could live anywhere then where, etc etc. Her lips taste like vanilla. I slide my hand up her shirt and she bats it down, ordering me to behave. She plays Brooke Candy off her bluetooth speaker, which makes an obnoxious little startup tone before the music. After an hour of this she throws me out, says she'll meet me at Nowadays with my friends. One friend cancels. Then another. Then another. Then it's me nursing an erection on the Halsey St platform, my backpack straps digging into my shoulder. I call it an early night and take the train to Port Authority only to discover I've missed the last bus to Ridgewood, NJ.

[ihatealester]

Alester 004

I need to go out more man. I need to get out the door, I need to get my keys into the ignition, I need to sit in traffic for a fucking hour and ten minutes so I can get to the worst bar you've ever seen. I need to sip meekly on one and a half beers before I need to get back in my car and drive fifty minutes home. I need to spend all my money on filling up my gas tank and going to mediocre hangs with people I don't have any real chemistry with. I need to go to these hangs. Friendship is a muscle, isn't it? I need to work out. I need to get physically stronger in case I'm halfway through a bottle of Jameson and I make a joke about the IRA and someone who's actually Irish takes offense. I need to read more about Irish history. I need to read more. I need to take my dog for a walk. I need to take my dog for another walk. I need to feed my dog. I need to be the person who feeds my dog so that she sees me as a source of food and someone who takes responsibility for her. I need her to see I take responsibility for her because I treasure her. I need to stop being so morose. I need to stop thinking. I need to think more. I need to go to therapy. I need to stop going to therapy. I need to meet with my manager. I need to update my website. I need to stop being so needy.

[ihatealester]

Alester 003

How do you think it felt when JFK's motorcade pulled around the corner, directly into Lee Harvey Oswald's line of sight? I mean, the guy had the cleanest shot imaginable. One quick pull and he changed the course of history. He must've known that. A political assassination is no small deal. I feel like the entire solar system is spinning in my stomach when I see a cute girl at the bar. Imagine how it must have felt when after waiting and waiting, watching car after car, person after person go by, the most powerful man in the world was delivered to him on a silver platter. Do you think it was exciting? Do you think that as he loaded his rifle he realized that kids were going to learn about him in school?

[ihatealester]

Alester 002

I recently began working a job where I make telephone calls all day. Someone has given me a script, teaching me how to ask gruff project managers and construction workers who could definitely beat me up if they want to buy some fancy computer software from a slick city boy. I am perfect for a job like this. My online presence is scant, barely noticeable; When physically present I am impossible to avoid. Of course, I'm not there in the flesh when I talk to these people on the phone but I think it's fewer steps away than, say, DMing somebody. I can hear their voice and wonder how it has changed over time. When they were younger was it reedier like mine? Has it gained its cracks and fissures from tobacco smoke, black coffee, arguing with spouses?

90 percent of these calls follow the same path. The phone rings four times, before going to voicemail. I hang up during the voicemail greeting in a vain effort to save time, making the transition to the next voice-mailbox as efficient as possible. Of the remaining ten percent, one percent of them are interested in buying what I have to sell. The remaining nine calls each day go something like this: the phone rings twice before I am greeted with "hello?" "Hi, is this so-and-so?" I ask, bringing my volume down and leaning closer to my phone in a vain attempt to turn my desperate theatrical yelp into a sensitive, Brando-esque mumble. I want these people to know that I will listen to them, that I care about them. I should be a politician. "Yes, who's this?" They reply accusatorially. They're quite upset that I've called them on their personal phone during the workday. They don't understand that this is the number in the directory, which I have no control over. I tell them my name and the company I am calling from. Before I can get all the details out I am told, in no uncertain terms, that they have no interest in hearing the rest of what I have to say and that they would appreciate it if I refrained from victimizing them with my dialing in the future. Before I can begin to apologize I am hung up on.

The first couple of weeks were easy. I'm used to rejection. I'm old enough now that it's become a second language that I understand well, though I'm bad at speaking it. As time has progressed, each implicit scowl, each bit of derisive pushback, each abrupt hang up has begun to wear on me. I don't know these people. I'll never meet them. Facing the ire of strangers consistently every day has made me a camel, and the straws are piling up. When I'm hung up I get the urge to call them back, scream at them did you just fucking hang up on me? You son of a bitch, do you think this is how I wanted to spend my twenties? I'm not a fucking chatbot, I'm not an AI. This is a real person you're scorning. I don't give a shit if you buy this product. I'm just doing my job. I see it in my head turning into a full scale argument where we exchange more hurried words, before I get the last word, go fuck your mother and slam my desk phone down. I don't even have a desk phone. Pressing the little red icon at the bottom of my iPhone screen doesn't net nearly as much catharsis.

[ihatealester]

I have a great idea for a rap lyric

[ihatealester]

I eat so much pussy the doctor said I have munchausens

[ihatealester]

taking positive feedback only

[ihatealester]

I have a great idea for a rap lyric

[ihatealester]

I eat so much pussy the doctor said I have munchausens

[ihatealester]

I have a great idea for a rap lyric

[ihatealester]

Alester 001

How often do you check your phone? Frequently this question is tinged with judgement. I am not interested in proclaiming myself master of any domain. I spent several days in the Canadian wilderness with a friend. I mean, we were in a house. It wasn’t a survivor-man situation. There was food and running water and electricity and lots of physical comfort, but there wasn’t a lot of cell service. It was the first time in a few years that I had gone more than a day without logging on, checking all the happenings. You don’t need me to explain this to you. You’ve been through this. You’ve immediately noticed a kind of clarity come to your thoughts after spending an extended period not submerging your head in the pool of schizophrenic chatter, frenzied images, and confusing sounds that make up the collective conscience. For a few days afterward we can resist the urge to compulsively check our phones the moment boredom rears its unremarkable head, but tragically before the second day is over we will miss out on a world event and our fear of not being in the loop, not being able to crack the most cynical and urgent joke, not being able to decide how we feel brings us back where we started. For some reason, this time around my desire to get clean from my internet addiction persisted. I began with small steps, resolving to never check my phone when riding on public transport. Now when I ride the train or the bus I look around, see what everyone is wearing, what they are carrying, theorize about where they might be going to or coming from. I keep hoping that someone with a cool jacket or nice hair will look up from their phone and meet my eyes and I’ll make a new friend. Of course, it never happens. No wonder everybody’s so lonely. 

[ihatealester]

Genuinely very bummed about the passing of David Lynch. American culture has very few shamans, people who are faithful in the intangible inarticulable aspects of art with no consideration of commercial pressures. His undying work ethic and commitment to authenticity should inspire us all. As cheesy as it is I had always hoped I’d meet him one day, just to chat. I think he would’ve liked my music.

[ihatealester]

[subjectsix]

I don't know I'm not done talking about it. It's insane that I can't just uninstall Edge or Copilot. That websites require my phone number to sign up. That people share their contacts to find their friends on social media.

I wouldn't use an adblocker if ads were just banners on the side funding a website I enjoy using and want to support. Ads pop up invasively and fill my whole screen, I misclick and get warped away to another page just for trying to read an article or get a recipe.

Every app shouldn't be like every other app. Instagram didn't need reels and a shop. TikTok doesn't need a store. Instagram doesn't need to be connected to Facebook. I don't want my apps to do everything, I want a hub for a specific thing, and I'll go to that place accordingly.

I love discord, but so much information gets lost to it. I don't want to join to view things. I want to lurk on forums. I want to be a user who can log in and join a conversation by replying to a thread, even if that conversation was two days ago. I know discord has threads, it's not the same. I don't want to have to verify my account with a phone number. I understand safety and digital concerns, but I'm concerned about information like that with leaks everywhere, even with password managers.

I shouldn't have to pay subscriptions to use services and get locked out of old versions. My old disk copy of photoshop should work. I should want to upgrade eventually because I like photoshop and supporting the business. Adobe is a whole other can of worms here.

Streaming is so splintered across everything. Shows release so fast. Things don't get physical releases. I can't stream a movie I own digitally to friends because the share-screen blocks it, even though I own two digital copies, even though I own a physical copy.

I have an iPod, and I had to install a third party OS to easily put my music on it without having to tangle with iTunes. Spotify bricked hardware I purchased because they were unwillingly to upkeep it. They don't pay their artists. iTunes isn't even iTunes anymore and Apple struggles to upkeep it.

My TV shows me ads on the home screen. My dad lost access to eBook he purchased because they were digital and got revoked by the company distributing them. Hitman 1-3 only runs online most of the time. Flash died and is staying alive because people love it and made efforts to keep it up.

I have to click "not now" and can't click "no". I don't just get emails, they want to text me to purchase things online too. My windows start search bar searches online, not just my computer. Everything is blindly called an app now. Everything wants me to upload to the cloud. These are good tools! But why am I forced to use them! Why am I not allowed to own or control them?

No more!!!!! I love my iPod with so much storage and FLAC files. I love having all my fics on my harddrive. I love having USBs and backups. I love running scripts to gut suck stuff out of my Windows computer I don't want that spies on me. I love having forums. I love sending letters. I love neocities and webpages and webrings. I will not be scanning QR codes. Please hand me a physical menu. If I didn't need a smartphone for work I'd get a "dumb" phone so fast. I want things to have buttons. I want to use a mouse. I want replaceable batteries. I want the right to repair. I grew up online and I won't forget how it was!

[subjectsix]

glad this post is resonating with the local populace fr

[bubbleteavangelist]

men who unlock how to be a pervert in a not weird way are few and far between. perhaps non existant. but thats a lesson we all learn isnt it.

[vacillator-deactivated20250323]

every single man in the world is gay

[ihatealester]

The beach that makes you gay

[ihatealester]

They should put me in a hole for being dumb

[jellogram]

If serial killers are so brilliant then why did they suddenly stop being a thing as soon as homicide detectives stopped being useless. You're a psychopathic genius but you can't get away with anything now that DNA testing exists? You're a seductive master of disguise but you can't lure women away anymore now that they have a concept of stranger danger? Sounds like you were playing on easy mode and acting like it made you an expert

[heedra]

just watched this guy fumble two does in a row