Discoholic 🪩
KIROKAZE
Janaina Medeiros
Game of Thrones Daily
Monterey Bay Aquarium
trying on a metaphor
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
Peter Solarz
@theartofmadeline
YOU ARE THE REASON
Stranger Things
d e v o n
dirt enthusiast
Mike Driver
NASA
No title available
macklin celebrini has autism
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seen from Spain
seen from France
seen from Netherlands
seen from Italy
seen from Iraq
seen from Brazil
seen from Brazil
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Thailand
seen from United States
seen from Senegal
seen from Algeria
seen from Senegal
seen from United States
seen from New Zealand
seen from Paraguay
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
@ihave-words
I've finally hit the upswing after 2 grueling years.
And it's amazing.
But it's made me realize that even at best, everything is still hard. And I'm always going to struggle.
I've finally filled so many holes, but the ones that are left are now gaping. I don't think I'll ever be able to fill them in this lifetime.
I think my next step is to start being okay with the fact that I'm never gonna be totally okay. I hope I can.
Had a convo with a friend the other night. At one point we were talking about anger and I said something to the effects of: "Being angry is a very cathartic experience for me, and it can very addicting, which is particularly bad for me because when I feel anger, I don't just feel it- I'm filled with rage. I become consumed. I feel it so hard and so hot that I can't turn it off. So in this age of a constant, unconsented awareness of every injustice in the world, I find that I only have two choices in how to react: anger or apathy. I am incapable of anything inbetween those two poles; there is no middle ground for me. So, in effort of self preservation, I choose apathy, because how can I help others when I'm destroying myself with my own rage? I have to protect myself. Maybe this is why some people are surprised when I tell them that I struggle with anger problems, they've only seen me as the apathetic bystander. They don't know that I have to put effort in everyday to choose not to be angry, to choose to take care of myself and those around me first."
Spring Break hasn't even started yet and I already wish it was over 🙃
So ya girl knew she had maladaptive daydreaming or whatever for a hot minute, but I didn’t actually know what the word “maladaptive” meant until this very moment, and I gotta tell ya- not a fan.
Just put on a deodorant that I havent used since Christmas break due to skin problems and it smelled like fighting with my mom so that's nice
not to toot me own horn but the fact that i didn’t kill myself in the 2010s? big dick energy idk how i pulled that one off
So he has a bad dream.
A bad dream in which I go meet with my friends to study, but end up just hanging out and he gets mad.
And when he wakes up, he’s sad and angry.
And of course, I can’t be there.
So, I promise to call tonight. I call him to show him the outfits i’m trying on for the ballet and he couldn’t care less. Then he starts talking about the politics and how much bernie is terrible candidate when he knows exactly how I feel. This goes on at least forever and a day until I mention how much the healthcare system needs to change because Dr. Ed is the most wonderful man in the world and is $20,000 in medical debt because his son has severe asthma.
And of course, his first question is, “Well, what are his expenses like? I don’t know the guy so like maybe his lives in an expensive house or something.”
Sometimes, I really can’t believe him.
I obviously get mad, so he changes the subject to kitties which is another sore subject and due to my irritation, I start going off about how he is incapable of putting down animals to the point of enabling abuse which of course isn’t gonna do any good, but I did it anyways.
Then, I just get really sad and admit that I’m overwhelmed with his constant sadness that I can’t do anything about due to the long distance which isn’t fair to him, but hell, it isn’t fair to me either! I am trying to balance so much right now and I cannot be in four places at once!! I can hardly do what I’m doing now!! And he’s so sad and I hear about it every single day and then I feel guilty and then I feel overwhelmed and then he reminds me AGAIN for the upteenth time that he’s SAD and he wants to SEE ME and he just LOVES ME SO MUCH BUT HE’S SAD AND SAD AND SAD AND SAD. WHEN DO I GET TO BE SAD? WHEN DO I GET TO BE NOT OKAY?
I know that it’d be better if I told him, but would it really? Or would it just scare the living daylights out of him and then I get the whole, “Are you breaking up with me?” thing and have to pull back so he doesn’t lose his mind. When do I get to be sad without consequence?
He told me that he’s okay, of course but I know he’s still gonna be sad. I know he doesn’t think that I consider him to be a priority in my life, but I just have so much sometimes. And it’s easy for him to not worry about whether he’s considering me a priority, because I’ve always been understanding when other things come first. But he’s always resented it when I choose something else over him. It might be completely subconscious, but it’s there. What am I supposed to do with that? God I just don’t know anymore.
I know he’s worried about me, but I can’t tell him how overwhelmed I am because the only thing that would help is to relieve the pressure and he just can’t do that.
I love him so much, but I just cannot tonight. I just cannot do it.
For the first time in who knows how long, I’m actually inspired to write again and here I am, the night before two tests, trying to focus when my mind is trying to weave a dozen stories at once and I want so, so badly to dive straight in and get lost in my daydreams like I used to, but I know I can’t. Is this what adulthood means? Is this the price we pray for growing up? Will I ever be able to go back to the person who wove endless stories without guilt or hesitance? I already know the answer to that, but nights like these give me hope.
I want to read fanfiction like I used to. I want to write like I used to. I want to know why I stopped. I want to know if I can begin again.
Sometimes, I think about how much my mom’s behavior throughout my childhood affected my behavior as an adult. When my mother was emotional, it filled up the whole house. It was stifling. There was no room for anyone else. The best you could do was scrunch yourself up as small as you could get and wait it out. I learned to minimize my troubles and hide my feelings when I felt like there wasn’t enough room for them to be out in the open. But as soon as I saw an opportunity to bring them back out into the daylight, I couldn’t contain them. They spilled all over the floor and splattered on the walls and everyone asked why I was making such a mess. Then, I had to clean it all up and put them back into their nice, neat little boxes to hide away until the next opportunity to free them again. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten better about vomiting my feelings onto every passerby that gives me the time of day. I limit my expulsions to my friends, but it’s still always messy. No one knows what to do with these feelings, including me. I think I know how to get rid of them, but I don’t know if I’m capable of doing so. I’m afraid that if I seek out therapy, they’ll give me all the tools I need to deal with these feelings and I’ll still fail to get over them. So, for now, I carry them with me in little boxes, and everyday I give the world a peek. Then, I pack them away and take them home, and pray that tomorrow, they’ll be a little lighter than they were today.
“They mess you up, your mom and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had, and add some extra, just for you” - Philip Larkin.
My head hurts so bad. I’ve been picking at this hangnail so much it’s throbbing. It’s 1 in the morning and I haven’t accomplished a goddamn thing. I finally started on my summary and realized I couldn’t read the paper I chose and had to scrap it. I haven’t even started trying to work on my study guide and the test is tomorrow. I’m absolutely exhausted and I’ve done nothing. I can’t stop crying and I don’t know what to do. I’m never caught up. I can never relax. Everything is an uphill battle. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.
Dr. Pyne said I should let him know if I need help, but what I am supposed to tell him? I can’t do what it required for your class because of my own poor time management and general lack of willpower? It’s not his problem.
I just don’t know. I thought I was doing okay but now I just don’t know.
Haven't been here in a while.
Stuff is gettin tough. I wanna do better this semester but I dunno of I'm capable of that. I also wanna enjoy my senior year of college but I dunno if I'm capable of that either. I don't know about a lot of things.
I want the kittens to be safe. I want to know I'm doing things right, making the right decisions. I want to know that I'm not wasting the few short years that I'm allowed to pursue unadulterated happiness without serious consequence due to having the excuse of being young and dumb. I want a kitty.
Oh how I long to be a cat
So I can shake my head vigorously and make the flap flap noise
If I have to hear one more interaction between Dr. Way and Alex where Dr. Way overshares, then Alex makes a comment on it that doesn't make sense, then Dr. Way can't hear him so Alex has to repeat it, and then Dr. Way doesn't know how to respond so he just keeps oversharing, I think I'm gonna eat my own ears
Things are okay
I dont know how long this upswing will last, but its here and im going to enjoy it
Today was rough. I cried so many times. I'm better now, but I'm worried about tomorrow. And the rest of the week. And next week. And the rest of the summer. And next semester. And next year. And the whole rest of my life.
I'm petrified that I'm just not cut out for this. For getting up and going to work and taking showers and talking to people and being productive every damn day. I'm just not sure I'm the kind of person that is capable of all that like everybody else is. And then what do I do?
I'm 20 yrs old and I'm nervous about spending the night alone in a new place
In a dorm building I've already stay in
With the doors locked
And absolutely no right to be scared
I'm a goof
Also I'm tired and my feet hurt so bad but I'm happy to be basically done unpacking and ready to chill
Goin to bed as the sun comes up
It's my own damn fault, but that doesn't mean I'll regret it any less
