You ever fuck up so bad, and you can’t deny it or say it was an accident? Because it wasn’t an accident. Regardless of your emotional state, you actively made the worst possible choice in a situation you put yourself in, and you want in all the world to find a reason to justify your choice and make it sound less bad than it was, but you just have to sit with the fact that you made a bad choice, and you’re not a good person? Maybe you never were. Because deep down you wanted that decision, and a small part of you is fucking happy about it. And it’s sickening. You’re wracked with guilt, your stomach is in knots; what you did goes so against your values and morals it makes you nauseous to the point where you may actually throw up. It’s eating away at you. But you can’t complain about that because you genuinely deserve no sympathy. In fact you probably deserve that suffering and more, because you actively chose to make a decision that would hurt another person, and even if they never find out about the decision, it doesn’t erase that it was wrong. You made your bed and now you have to lay in it. All you can do is hold yourself accountable. Because no one else is going to. And how do you do that? By admitting what you did? Or just making yourself suffer even more in different ways? God fucking dammit man. Do other people who make decisions that go against their morals just walk around like nothing is wrong? How does anyone do it?
