… the end of another day, the return of the night. @ilikemesometaetaes - Tumblr Blog

•••> Author: @ilikemesometaetaes

•••> Summary: Some people don’t actually like seeing their exes upset. Do you?

•••> Pairing(s): Hoseok / Female Reader (ft. Choi Yeonjun)

•••> Word Count: 16.57k [Unedited]

•••> Rating: 18+

•••> Warnings: angst, cussing, mentioned gunshot wound/forced discharge due to physical handicap, alcohol use, jealousy, unrequited feelings, engagement cancellation, mild toxicity if you know how to read red flags, rejection, arguing, loss of feelings, eventual smut, You know the drill. If you don’t want to read, don’t. If you’re under 18, don’t.

PART ONE -> PART TWO

His loud guffaw is what drags your attention to him in the first place.

It isn’t his black sequin jacket; it’s not his flame orange hair; it’s not the gold ring that wraps around his pinky.

It’s his god-damned laugh.

He’s standing there with his friends, laughing at something that Jimin has just said, when you notice him.

Your ex-fiancé.

Your fingers clutch a little bit tighter around your flute of champagne as soon as you take Hoseok in. It’s been months since you’ve seen him. An awful, lonely stretch that has been a slow process to use as healing. Despite the time you’ve had, you feel your blood boil the more you stare at his irritatingly handsome face.

Because it isn’t fair. He shouldn’t be smiling all brightly like that. He shouldn’t be happy or joyful or unreservedly calm like he always was. He shouldn’t be the same old Hoseok that you grew to fall in love with at one point in your life.

Is that toxicity you sense? Some red flags in your personality? Meh. Perhaps.

“I promise that it’s not you; it’s me.”

As you stare at the way he raises his glass to his lips and tips his head back to take a sip of his own champagne, you can’t help but remember the phrase. The downpour on your car lightened to make it that much more deafening.

“It’s you?” you ask him. “How in the hell is it you? I’m the one who’s busy. I can make more time for us, Hobi.”

The man in the driver’s seat chuckles dryly and leans forward to place his forehead against the steering wheel, his black hair falling forward with the motion. “But that’s not the problem, Y/N. I don’t want you to make more time for us. You’re doing so well now and I know that you have the promotion in a few months. I can’t get in the way of that.”

You sit back in your chair and stare at him, holding his ring to your chest. It feels so heavy in your grasp that you think it could pierce through the floor of the car and drop to the wet pavement below.

“Hoseok,” Your voice is a broken whisper whilst the tears collect in your eyes, the dread of loss rearing its ugly head to gaze upon you. “You know that you mean more to me than anything I’ve ever known. I can drop everything and I- I can be better. Please,” you beg. “Please don’t do this.”

“But I don’t want to be the reason that you throw your life away. I can’t be that person that just…” He takes a breath and throws his hands up in exasperation. “… accepts others putting themselves down for me. I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore.”

He starts your car without waiting for your response and your desperate mind pushes you to reach out and grab onto his arm to try and stop him from running away. The rain continues to patter against the roof and windshield.

“I don’t know what you want me to do. This-” you cut yourself off for a moment and look down, searching for the words to say in the reflection of the street light on the shifter. “-it can’t end like this. Tell me what to do to make it right.”

Hoseok clutches the steering wheel tightly and shuts his eyes, exhaling with a low rumble in his chest.

“I’m not the one you should be doing things for, Y/N. You should be making decisions for yourself and doing things because you want to do them- not because I want you to.” He opens his eyes and turns his head away from you to stare out the window.

“I don’t want your world to revolve around me.”

The man you watch lowers his glass to the table that he leans on and continues to listen intently to what Taehyung has to say. You assume the younger one is going on about data and stocks with how serious the conversation became in the short span of a few moments. The smile that was on Hoseok’s face is nowhere to be seen now.

He looks a bit stern from the way he purses his lips and furrows an eyebrow. When it seems that Taehyung says something that boggles his mind, he cuts in to add his piece. He was never one to just be quiet and truly listen, you think spitefully.

“Y/N!”

Petty Officer Blake calls your name, drawing you away from the sight of your ex and back to his uniformed arm slung casually over your shoulders. The weight of his bicep presses the collar of your own uniform into the back of your neck even further and makes for a scratchy sensation that you put up with only because it’s your friend who’s close to you.

“What?” you ask, turning your head to look at him. His gelled hair has fallen into his forehead a little and begun to break uniform regulation, but you don’t bring yourself to care. The formal portion of the evening ended ten minutes ago and no one cares if a few hairs are out of place.

“I get that we’re relaxed now, but you’d kill me for not reminding you. I asked if you submitted the muster report to Ensign Trias.”

You clear your throat and speak confidently despite your inner turmoil, a skill you learned during your grueling weeks at boot camp.

“I did. She’ll be happy to know that we’re all present or accounted for.”

Blake agrees with a grin. “Yes, she will.”

With a final swig, you finish your champagne and place it on the table with thoughts of Hoseok creeping back into your skull. Why is he here?

You know the answer, though. Taehyung and Jungkook obviously invited him. Your shipmates are the reason you’d met Hoseok in the first place. Now that you’re back from your underway at your home port for the first time since early November, they obviously thought to reunite the group for the ship’s New Year’s ball.

Everyone in your group of friends left home, although it was only you, Taehyung, and Jungkook who decided to enlist to leave. The three of you met at boot camp fresh out of high school. Looking back on it, it feels like a lifetime ago.

The three of you are all chiefs now, years and years of service in the military under your belts, and you couldn’t have been happier when you found out that the both of them would be deployed on your ship for the next eight months.

On your first deployment as a young and inexperienced sailor, Taehyung was the only face you recognized amongst the sea of them aboard your ship. His friendship was what made you begin to actually enjoy the military in the first place. Long hours of watch and constant maintenance was draining, so when Taehyung invited you to go to a bar he was familiar with once you pulled into port again, you were all for it.

Hoseok was the first amongst his friends that you’d met. He lived in the local area that you were ported in and you’d instantly grown intrigued by him when you found out he was also from your hometown.

He sipped on bourbon and passionately took part in the conversation alongside Jungkook, who was completing a shore tour at the same base, while you watched him quietly. Being a naturally brave person with military confidence instilled in your psyche, you were the one to speak first when he wasn’t speaking with the others.

“What’s your rate?”

The man looks up from his glass and focuses on you with wide eyes whilst the rest of the table continues the conversation without him. He’s seemingly shocked that you’re speaking to him in the middle of their banter. After a beat of realization, he replies.

“Oh- um. I’m not in the military.”

You lean against the table your group is sitting at and place your chin onto your fist with a small smile. “You’re not? You definitely have the hair.”

He thoughtfully raises his hand up and strokes the side of his head where his fade tapers at his ear. “I’m not. I just like the style.”

“Me too,” you agree, giving him a neutrally flirtatious compliment. When he doesn’t speak again, you turn your eyes back to the center of the tables’ attention and pick up on the conversation between Taehyung, Jungkook, and their friend, Jimin.

“I told you that we were going to be home for St. Patrick’s Day. I planned ahead so that we could go to the Irish Channel and celebrate- and now you’re bailing on us?” Jimin is offended by the fact that Taehyung can’t make it to the holiday party he planned. That much is obvious by the way his eyebrows turn up in disbelief and he holds a hand to his chest.

“ ‘s not my fault,” Taehyung replies through a mouthful of fries. “Blame the powerful men who decide our fate by getting into fights with each other. Blame the system.”

Jimin sighs and puts his face into his hands. “Fucking hell.”

Jungkook grumbles to himself lowly, inaudible. With a snap of his neck, Jimin turns to him. “What?”

The younger one pipes up. “I won’t be able to make it either.”

“Fuck, guys!” Jimin exclaims. “What the hell happened to us? We used to hang out all the time!”

“Life happened, man.” Hoseok butts into the conversation and you turn to him to find that he’s staring down into his empty glass. “We grew up.”

You just stare at him in awe.

“Did you see that dude with the orange hair?” Blake leans into you to whisper the question. You don’t respond even though a quiet voice inside you bites back that Hoseok’s hair is actually flame orange, not just orange. “Someone’s definitely going to say something to him. This is a military event for fuck’s sake.”

Blake bringing up Hoseok’s presence makes the the walls of the large room feel like they’re closing in on you. Like the world is slowly becoming smaller. Blake is so unaware of the torment that you’ve suffered because of the man that’s he’s mentioned, but you can’t explain the heartbreak to him. You can’t explain the life that never was nor the dreams that were lost. Suddenly, it’s difficult for you to breathe.

The chair legs scrape against the floor as you stand from your seat. Consequently, Blake’s arm falls from around your neck and he looks up at you with questioning eyes at the abrupt action.

“Going to the bathroom. I’ll be back,” you mumble. You can’t bring yourself to be confident with the negativity that has filled your mind since you first noticed Hoseok.

“Want me to come with?”

You look at him with furrowed eyebrows when you realize what he’s just asked you and he puts his hands up in mock surrender. “Kidding! I’m kidding.”

You roll your eyes and push in your chair, readjusting your dress jacket draped over the back so that it doesn’t fall off when you let go of it.

Your steps are slow as you make your way to the corner of the room where the bathrooms are and it’s in your steps that you take the time to think about the past. Are you the one running this time? The more you ponder over your retreat from the room, the more you criticize yourself for doing the same thing that Hoseok did all that time ago.

“Hey Y/N,” A voice stops you in your path. “Ready for the new year?”

Laci.

Stiffly, you turn to face the woman and her lips are pulled into a knowing smile by the time your eyes reach her face.

Smug bitch.

The woman’s smile is patronizing as she regards you, her lengthy blue dress swaying when she leans onto one foot and places a hand on her hip. It fits her well, her curves filling it to perfection in a way that makes her model-esque lifestyle obvious. She doesn’t spend her time sweating over machinery or working out to prepare for fitness tests like you do. Instead, she diets and pays to shape her body in the way that she wants it. To your dismay, she’s utterly perfect.

On the outside.

“Hey there, Laci. You look beautiful as always.” You manage to mumble through the annoyance.

“Oh, thank you!” She smiles even wider. “Took me two hours to make everything look right. The dress is a little itchy, though.”

You try to keep your voice level with hers, a byproduct of your resentment for the woman combined with your need to appear kind. “I love the dress. It suits you.”

“You do? Hobi told me the same when he picked it out, although I don’t know if it’s really my style…”

Ouch.

You hold back the instant desire to clock her in the jaw because you are way above the notion of physically assaulting someone. Despite your handle on your emotions, you still loathe her.

Never, in any of the conversations you’ve had with her, has she missed an opportunity to rub in your face that her and Hoseok are dating. She has a knack for being able to drag your attention to something he’s bought her without saying so at first so that she can give you the time to unknowingly compliment it. It irritates the fuck out of you because she knows she does it. Laci parades her absolute prize of a boyfriend in front of you because she loves knowing that he loves her and not you.

“I see,” you quip, turning to begin leaving so that the conversation can conclude. “Regardless, you look great.”

“Thanks,” She giggles in her flattery, but there’s a touch of poison in the soft sound. “I feel so bad for you. You never get to dress up and look pretty.”

You take the hit and purse your lips at the offending remark. Frankly, you don’t feel confident dressed in anything but your uniform now. It’s second nature since you hardly find the time to be out of it these days.

“Yeah,” You breathe evenly whilst you turn away and begin stepping off. “It’s too bad.”

“Y/N?”

Your feet freeze mid-stride. Your heart skips a beat.

“It’s good to see you.”

Slowly, you turn back to face where Laci stands and immediately hold your breath at the sight before you.

And suddenly, it’s as if he just ended things with you yesterday.

Hoseok stands, his arm sliding around Laci’s waist, as she leans into his touch and presses her nose into the side of his neck with a smile. The sight alone makes you jealous- seeing him with another woman is heartbreaking- and you can’t help the acidic touch of spite beginning to taint your mind. Despite the pain the sight of him causes, you still know in your heart that that should be you.

Your heart pounds woefully for him. You miss him so fucking much and you passionately hate him simultaneously, but his attention on you makes your chest cave in under the weight of it. Meeting his eyes takes you back to the first time he looked at your own, He looks divine- just like he did before.

“Good to see you too, Hoseok.”

You hardly ever called him by his full name when you were together. The only times you did were when the two of you were talking about something serious. After your failed engagement more than three years prior, his nickname never got another chance to leave your lips.

“How’s everything?”

You close your eyes for a moment, taking a cautious breath to calm yourself before you answer his deep voice, and then open them again to find his left eyebrow taking on the ever-familiar position of concern for you.

“It’s alright.” Your voice seems to be lost somewhere in the midst of the pain that accompanies his appearance. “I’m making an announcement later on.”

“Is that so?” Hoseok smiles softly while he allows Laci to thread her fingers into his. “How late is later?”

“In about an hour. Don’t want it to get in the way of the countdown.”

You know the announcement won’t matter to him; it’s too late for him to change his mind. Him and Laci have been together far too long for him to come back to you.

The two of you broke up for a good reason- you’ll give him that. He had every right to feel the way he did because you didn’t give him the time and attention that he needed.

You regret many things in your life. No matter how much you’ve tried to live with no regrets, the blasted things always manage to creep back in and remind you of all the mistakes you’ve made throughout the years. The wrong decision that had bad results, the wrong statement that upset someone, the wrong timing of a poorly delivered joke; many of your past actions bother you in your day-to-day life.

Being unable to keep Jung Hoseok by your side is the worst of them all.

“Well, we definitely look forward to your announcement! I think Hoseok and I are going to see if we can get a few moments to ourselves before the fun starts.”

You nod your head only once as Laci smirks at you. Hoseok offers a tight-lipped smile in place of words and it’s in this moment that you finally accept that your once-fiancé has fully moved on from you. He doesn’t even spare you another glance before he turns around with Laci wedged under his arm.

The tear in your eye fights to come through to the corner, but you lightly snort to choke it back down and prevent yourself from crying at the sight of Hoseok turning his back on you.

Again.

Splash some water on your face. Take a deep breath. Don't let yourself cry over him again. You chant the words in your mind like a mantra as you stare into the mirror in the bathroom. The water you just splashed onto your face drips off of your chin.

The music continues to play in the dining hall without you. Although it's muffled, it serves as the perfect reminder that peoples' lives will continue to go on without you. You lean against the sink even harder with the weight of the statement bearing down on your shoulders.

A sharp knock on the door follows shortly after you lean your face into the sink again, prompting you to whip your head around to face the sound.

"Y/N?" Blake. "You in there?"

"Shit." You curse lowly while you fumble for some paper towels to press against your wet skin. After giving yourself a final glance and concluding that you still look like a wreck, you turn to the door and open it to step out.

"What's up?” You plaster a smile on your face as you greet his curiously concerned blue eyes.

"The captain's looking for you." His eyebrows are furrowed and the worry lines in his forehead are deeper than usual. When you move to step around him and avoid that conversation, he presses a hand to your shoulder to stop you. "Are you okay? What's going on?'

You sigh and look away from him to hide your predicament- one he is completely oblivious to. "Nothing. Don’t worry about it."

“Why? There’s obviously something wrong. We agreed we’d be transparent with each other.” He grabs onto your hand and brushes his thumb over the top. “Talk to me.”

Suddenly, you become acutely aware of the presence by the end of the hall where it turns to open up into the dining room. When you glance over Blake’s shoulder towards the movement, you find a flash of flame orange hair. With the revelation of who stands there, watching you, you are propositioned with two options.

On one hand, you could reciprocate Blake’s support and give in to his comfort like you want to, although it would appear much differently to Hoseok who watches from afar and only sees the action of Blake holding your hand. Perception is reality.

On the other hand, you could give your coworker and friend the cold shoulder to display to Hoseok that you are, after all this time, by your lonesome. Being alone like the way he left you would undoubtedly display how big of an emotional crater he left in your soul.

Maybe it would make him feel bad. You want him to feel bad. At least it’d mean he feels something for you.

Although you know you would have gone through with the second option two or three years ago- when you were freshly bitter from the split- your facade has hardened into a detached permanence since then. Time has not done you well.

You look up to Blake then, eyes beaming with the ache of tears that beg to break through, and smile into his concern as carelessly as possible so that you can brush off the emotion. Gently, you take his hand.

“I’m fine. Just a little wound up is all.”

The concern and worry seem to disappear from his face all at once as he smiles a toothy grin. “Announcement making you nervous?”

“Something like that,” you chide.

When you get the chance to peek over your friend’s shoulder again, Hoseok is gone. Damn. It was too easy to get him away. You can't help but wonder if you made the right decision because of how your heart slightly twists at the thought that maybe- just maybe- your ex-fiance still has feelings for you. You brush off the hope just as soon as it arrives.

With a knowing smirk, Blake backs away and swings his arm out in the direction of the ballroom, beckoning you to return to it. "Ladies first."

You giggle and begin walking. "How kind of you, sailor."

"Just trying to look chivalrous, miss." He smiles.

You maintain your smile as you walk back into the ballroom, searching for your captain while you avoid anything relatively close to the shade of orange you know to be somewhere on the dance floor.

You find your captain with a glass in his hand and the executive officer below his other arm, laughing with rosy cheeks at something one of the department heads has just said to the two of them.

"Gentlemen," you address them. "I hope you’ve been having a good evening. Captain? You sent for me?”

“Y/L/N!” He looks at you and smiles, the crinkles by his eyes deepening. “Good to see you! Is everything in order for your announcement?”

You nod as you respond to him. "Yessir. The DJ is ready."

“Good, good. Carry it out whenever you're ready, Chief."

Your eyes are cast to the floor in preparation of what you will be speaking into reality. "Aye aye, sir."

Time begins to slow as you make your trek over to the DJ’s table to ask for the microphone. Your legs struggle to move at a normal speed and your mind is attempting to escape all of the memories that surface. Stretched across a thousand agonizing moments, you prepare to move on from this chapter of your life while it flashes before your very eyes.

Robotically, you nod at the DJ who smiles and then hands you the mic, knowing very well what you are about to tell the crowd of people. It feels like you are separated from your body, but your tight grip on the cool metal grounds you and keeps your feet moving to the podium.

Once you come to a standstill and face the crowd, the DJ follows the movement of you bringing the mic to your mouth and lowers the music when you clear your throat.

"May I have everyone's attention, please?"

As expected from a military event, the people quiet themselves particularly fast.

You struggle to breathe for a moment, the weight of your announcement making the lump of nervousness in your throat that much more burdensome to breathe around. As the silence becomes deafening like the night it did in your car, you swallow thickly.

"I'm..." You trail off for a brief second. "I'm sure you all have heard that I will be making an announcement tonight and some of you were probably wondering what it will be."

The sailors of your division are, without surprise, gathered together in a large group. They cheer from the side of the dance floor closest to the bar. No surprise there.

"Hell yeah, Senior Chief!" You recognize GM2 Green’s chirpy voice and internally cringe at the rank she’s just called you. It’s the next rank above your own. The one you should be promoting to.

LPO Promise yells right after her, his deep voice bellowing amongst the hoots and hollers. "Get that promo, girl!"

Blake stands amongst them and smiles sadly at you because he is the only one, besides your captain and division officer, who knows what your announcement is.

Your smile is bittersweet as you regard your division’s support because- as much as you appreciate how happy they are for you- they are dead wrong.

Because you won't be promoting.

"Well, after a lot of thought and tons of paperwork, I can finally deliver my announcement with no going back."

You wince as you see your division grab onto each other with excitement.

"It’s with a heavy heart and so much appreciation to everyone aboard the Hybe that l inform you all that I have been cleared to be discharged at the beginning of February."

The room goes awfully silent before it erupts with congratulatory applause.

And suddenly, your eyes find the flame orange hair in the sea of natural colors.

Hoseok’s face is expressionless as you look at him. You know that he understands what this means for you and what it would have meant if he had just been a little more patient with your love for your work. If he had just waited three more fucking years, the two of you could have been together the way you both wanted.

But what you want is never in your cards. You don’t want to retire; you don’t want to leave your life in the Navy behind.

You don’t want to be physically handicapped.

But you are.

The gunshot wound you took to your shoulder two years ago still burns into your skin as you clench feeling back into your fingers. With so much nerve damage caused by the hollow point of the 9mm bullet that was shot into your axillary nerve, you lost feeling in your shoulder and a good portion of your arm.

Unfortunately, it served as the perfect basis for the Navy to discharge you. You have barely more than two months to find another occupation to make a living.

The trigger-happy dumbass who decided to load his magazine with the unapproved ammunition had accidentally fired it while you were still on range. Although he claimed that his pistol misfired after the ceasefire was called, you knew the guy- he was dangerous and careless when it came to gun safety and it resulted in your injury. Mishandling a deadly weapon will always have its consequences.

The callous sailor got his court martial and dishonorable discharge way before the Navy first informed you of your forced separation.

Thankfully, the people of your division were there with you during your recovery and supported you through the process of rehabilitating the damage. What none of you knew was that the Navy was tracking your injury the entire time and was able to disqualify you because of your permanent physical handicap. No matter how much you want to cry out that it’s not fair, you wouldn’t be able to kid yourself

Life isn't fair, but the decision to let you go is fair. Besides, how could you protect the people you love when you're broken?

You let your eyes leave Hoseok to look at your division who are already approaching the podium with obvious tears in their eyes. You’re surprised to find that you also have tears of your own- tears that were on the verge because of Hoseok and carried out by losing yet another ones- even if your contribution is minuscule- is what drives you in your career. To be retiring after only ten years of service utterly kills you when you think back on how long you planned to stay in upon your enlistment at such a young age.

The Navy is your life. And now? You have to let it go.

“Thank you to everyone- CO, XO, CMC, the entire crew- for being a great team during my last tour.”

The lump in your throat becomes monstrous as your tears stream down your cheeks and your heart breaks. Your voice is much too wobbly to continue for much longer. “It’s been a pleasure serving with you all and I can’t wait to see what you are able to do to carry out our mission towards a better future.” Sniff. “Bora haewa, sailors. May you continue to gain the respect that you all deserve. I wish you fair winds and following seas.”

With that, you leave the podium and return the mic to the DJ who was obviously moved by your speech and now exhibits shiny eyes that he attempts to blink away. Your own tears continue to run down your skin as you repeatedly wipe them off.

You only have two months to get your new life in line and say goodbye to this one yet you merely want to stand watch on the Hybe one more time and joke around with your division. Simpler times you took for granted are now so precious that you find yourself already missing the life even though you will be in for a few more weeks.

“Chief,” Green cries and throws herself on you as leave the DJ table. “Why didn’t you tell us you were leaving us?”

“Good for you.” You could recognize Isom’s drearily monotone voice anywhere even as you dig your face into Green’s shoulder. “You’re finally getting out of this hellhole.”

“Shut your mouth, Isom.” Promise growls. “We don’t need that negativity here. You can obviously tell this means a lot to her.”

“Whatever.” The man replies, rolling his eyes as he almost painfully reaches his hand out to give your shoulder a few pats. “Congratulations.”

Promise replaces the older sailor’s hand with his own, letting his fingers linger to squeeze in comfort. “Congrats on the retirement, Chief. I’m excited to see where your new life takes you.”

“Thanks guys.” You sniffle. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner but it was a pretty quick process that was really difficult for me to keep up with.”

"No, we get it." Promise says. Green emits a small 'mhm' as she raises a hand and wipes her nose with the back of it. You can't bear to go without hugging her small frame even more as you see that the white in her eyes has turned red. Promise faces her. “It’ll be good for her."

“And it's time for her to move on." You hear Blake walk up from behind the two of you as he adds on to what Promise has said and it is then that you decide to release Green so that you can turn to him. He smiles at you softly, expectantly, and you return the expression with one of your own, accompanied with outstretched arms.

The hug with him is warm and caring, a rare occurrence for him to be physically affectionate, yet it is because of the few drinks he's had that he decides to communicate his care for you- for once.

People filter to you as the minutes go by so that they can give you their congratulations or upset speeches about why retirement is the end of the road. As saddening as it is to think about what you should do after retirement with your injury, you don't blame your shipmates for bringing it up because they have no idea why you're retiring. They probably think it's easy for veterans to get jobs since they’re so much younger than you.

Your harsh reality is that there aren't many places who would hire a physically disabled person, as awful as it is. In your harsh reality, your veteran status nor your disability status will help much.

The clock at the head table- conveniently placed by the Officer-In-Charge of the event- reads 23:17. Forty-three minutes until midnight and the new year. Should you enter the new year wasted? Or should you just remain sober and cry it out as you truly lose everything you have ever loved?

Blake ensures that you have at least a few drinks in your system before the clock reads 23:45. He was never one to pass up free booze and neither were you, so why would you change that pattern for the new year?

By the time everyone gets settled together, it’s 23:52. You don’t find Hoseok anywhere- that goes without saying that you can’t seem to find Blake nor your other shipmates either. As far as a New Years’ kiss is from your mind, you hope for the bare minimum of someone you care for at least standing next to you. Anything else would just be the icing on the cake.

You search around for a few minutes, slowly feeling the loneliness you’ve felt for years creep into your skull with such adamant ferocity that you merely stand in the back of the crowd and admit your defeat with a large gulp of the drink in your hand. So far, the alcohol you hold and the one before it have provided you with the buzz that stirs in your veins.

At least you feel something.

Suddenly, you spot Blake in the crowd. It's not surprising that he has a woman under his arm- Blake is incredibly good looking- but it's surprising that the woman who wraps her arm around his waist is none other than Green. The sight makes you wonder when that happened.

23:58. Two minutes until the New Year.

You glance down at the drink in your hand and swirl the contents of it with intentions of downing it once the clock reads 00:00.

"Y/N!”

You look up at Blake and Green with a jump of surprise and realize that they are beckoning you over to them.

"Get over here!' Green yells with a rapidly-curling arm.

You make your way over to them quickly, joy coursing through every cell in your body because of the people you care about. It's a small thing that brings you happiness- simply being around your loved ones. When you come to stand next to Blake, you take a look at the clock again.

23:59.

Blake holds Green tighter to his side. You simply hold your drink a little tighter between your fingers.

The sailors of the Hybe begin chanting when it hits the thirty-second mark. In comfortable delight next to the two people who hold most of your heart, you chant with them and look around at the cheering crowd in utter enjoyment.

At six seconds, your voice dies before you can make any more sound. You can't seem to find any air to take into your lungs as you spot orange hair and brown eyes that hold rays of sunlight within them.

He smiles down at her with the light of a thousand glowing stars as she cups his jaw and smiles up at him.

“Three!”

The world slows.

“Two!”

His orange hair drapes onto her forehead as they both lean into eachother.

“One!”

He pulls her more tightly to him by her waist and closes his eyes.

“Happy New Year!”

Your heart breaks all over again as they kiss.

The fanfare of the New Year falls on your deaf ears because all you can seem to process is the constant string of deafening words in your head.

That should be me. That should be me. That should be me.

It's hard to know how, but you manage to break away from Blake and Green, who kiss with such intensity that you have to gasp for your own air. They’re so preoccupied with each other that they don't see the tears in your eyes.

The look on Hoseok’s face was all too familiar. It brings back distant memories you thought you had buried as you gulp down the last of your drink and make a beeline for the door. You need to leave before you make a fool out of yourself.

It's not specifically the kiss that is burned into your skull. The kiss stirs your envy and jealousy in a way that you are used to because of Laci's constant jabs. It stings, but you are familiar with it.

The thing you are not particularly familiar with is the sensation that came before the kiss. This is the sensation that forces you to leave the party through the closest exit.

The feeling is one of acceptance, although you're not sure of how far-reaching the damage is. It's heartbreak and it's happiness all in one emotion yet you cannot place a word on it at all because you've never quite felt it in the volume that you feel it now.

You're heartbroken because you mourn what you've lost with Jung Hoseok. You weep for what could have been yet never was and never will be.

And the never will be is also what you are happy about.

You are happy that the world will continue to be blessed by his smile of ardor. Even though the smile on his lips and the wonderful shine in his eyes are no longer meant for you, it's the fact that he will continue to give it to someone who has truly made him feel the way he used to make you feel. It's because of your never will be that Jung Hoseok has been given what you were too blind to give up- everything.

The look that Hoseok gave Laci is one that would make even a stranger proud of the beautiful things that he has accomplished. The smile of adoration and love is a look you know all too well. It's as familiar as it is heartbreaking.

You remember when he used to look at you like that.

Snow falls steadily on the sidewalk as you order an Uber. You receive a text from Blake that asks where you are, yet you can only seem to ask him to grab your dress jacket as a response.

Don't forget we have drills on Monday is all he says and you huff out a shaky breath of gratitude for how well he knows you. He knows that you need space and you manage to elicit a small smile past your cascading tears.

The Uber arrives soon after you give up on looking at your phone and when you manage to slide into the backseat of it, slightly buzzed, your body slumps into the seat all the way back to your apartment because of how physically and emotionally drained you feel.

You spend the rest of the night in your room, reminiscing about your time with Hoseok.

He asked for you to be his girlfriend in the parking lot that was in front of your ship. The sun was just beginning to set on the horizon of the bay it was ported in. After two months underway, he was there to greet you for family day.

Like any gentleman, he showed up with flowers and charmed himself straight into your heart after so many hangouts with you and the rest of the crew. It was the first time you saw that look in his eyes as he tilted his head down to you.

And right there, in front of so many of your shipmates, he kissed you for the first time.

Taehyung and Jungkook freaked out like the pair of spazzes they were. Hoseok flicked them off behind your back as you wrapped your arms around him, but it wasn’t noticed by you until hours later when Jungkook finally sent the pictures of your first kiss with Hoseok to you.

And you were in love with him then. Just as you are now.

If you really love him, though, you think it’s about time you finally let him go.

You lie in your bed, letting tears stream down to soak into your pillow, and delete the photo- along with all of the others that chronicled your happy days as Hoseok’s.

The number of photos and videos came out to be 1,753.

It's much too difficult to ignore Namjoon’s voice as he speaks to Taehyung. The bass of it carries a lot farther than the falsetto of Jimin's, who stands with them.

"Yeah, I heard it was so bad that he had to change his locks."

"Oh, no way!" Jimin seems to laugh out of pure astonishment. "She's that crazy?"

Namjoon sips on his drink. “Apparently so.”

For a moment, they’re silent. You take this opportunity to rejoin the group and walk up slowly.

“Does Y/N know?” Jungkook asks.

You quirk your eyebrow when you get to them. “Know what?”

The five men turn to stare at you in surprise and you can see that the youngest one winces.

“Uh…” Jimin trails off, lost. “The…”

None of the men seem to be able to speak. You have obviously reentered the conversation at a bad time.

Finally, once he’s done looking at the others in disdain, Yoongi scoffs. “It’s not like he wants to keep it a secret. She’s our friend too.”

“What’s going on?” You set your drink on the table and put a hand on your hip expectantly.

Yoongi grabs onto your shoulder. “Laci cheated on Hobi.”

Suddenly, you forget about the comedic way the men look like deer caught in headlights. Instead, your blood boils.

“What?”

There’s no happiness gained from the news; you feel no satisfaction from learning of the reason behind the end to his relationship. Hoseok, as much as it was his decision to end things between the two of you, deserves nothing but the best that this world has to give. Knowing that he’s been wronged like this just makes you angry- and feeling a little protective.

“Yeah,” Taehyung has the nerve to laugh. "Turns out she was banging her manager to get that bonus she was gloating about."

"You missed a golden opportunity." Jungkook coughs and brings his soda to his lips to poorly cover up the statement. Taehyung looks at him crookedly, confused, and Jungkook sighs. “She was boning her manager to get that bon-”

Yoongi’s fingers grip a little more tightly into your skin when he cuts off the younger man. "I find this topic hardly appropriate for a retirement party. I just wanted her to know."

Despite his statement, you turn to him. "Is he alright? When did he find out?"

Namjoon speaks up instead, running a hand through his hair. "He was sulking around and hardly came out of his room for a few days. He finally told me about it the day before yesterday."

In the beat of silence that follows the revelation, you worry for Jung Hoseok. Misplaced guilt makes itself known in the feeling of your stomach dropping because you become acutely aware that all of his friends are here, at your retirement party, with you.

"But is he alright?" You repeat the unanswered question adamantly.

A brief pause passes between you and the group of men. No one seems to have the desire to answer you.

"He's a mess," Yoongi sighs, finally. "-but he'll be fine. You know he doesn't like it when we hover."

The older man is right. For as long as you've known him, Hoseok always prefers to do the comforting rather than be comforted. He isn’t a reserved man, but he is less likely to seek help from others because he has his own, private healing system.

Jungkook chuckles. "You should've seen the groupchat when we were talking about the party."

Shit.

You have to take a seat as you process what Jungkook has just said.

Hoseok has just been cheated on; he just broke up with his girlfriend; all of his friends are here at your party while he does whatever he does and handles his issues alone. You didn’t even have the courage to invite him.

The thought makes you feel awful.

“That’s enough.” Yoongi says. “We’re here to celebrate Y/N’s retirement. Let’s not bring up her ex-fiancé anymore, yeah?”

Quietly, the group murmurs in agreement and proceeds to talk about whatever it is they talk about as you turn around to greet more of your former shipmates. The party continues in full.

But you can't seem to get the thoughts of Hoseok out of your head.

“We’re really glad you decided to join us. Your résumé is really impressive!” The woman, Kyla, walks just slightly in front of you as she speaks.

You smile and shift the box of your belongings in your arms. “Thanks! It was super tough trying to find work around here.”

She turns her head slightly so that you can see the smile on her face. “Oh, I get it. The job search is increasingly difficult these days. I’m glad we found you!”

The workspace is surprisingly homey when you take a look around. At the nineteenth floor of the office building, you expected cubicles and white walls, however, you’re surprised to find that each employee has their own office- granted, they’re a bit small- and each space is decorated differently.

“Employees are free to decorate their spaces as they deem fit. We, at BigHit, believe artistic freedom encourages more efficient production.” Kyla stops in front of an empty office and turns to you. “You are welcome to do the same, Y/N.”

“Thank you,” You can’t help but breathe out the graciousness a little, thankful for the opportunity that has been afforded to you. Although you’re on a military pension due to your honorable discharge, it’s not nearly enough to support a comfortable lifestyle, and you’re still so young- you can’t not work. “I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all we ask for.” Kyla gestures her well-manicured fingers into your space. “Please, make yourself at home. The chief supervisor of this floor will come by to help you settle in soon.”

You squeeze in through the door with your box in hand and misty eyes. After two months of job-searching and extremely strict budgeting, you finally have a job. Not only will you be able to relax in your apartment now, but you will be able to support yourself even more than you did before. Life is finally getting better.

Your new office is quite small; it seems to be a standard eight-by-ten workspace with a desk perpendicular to the far-right wall, a company-provided desktop computer, and a set of drawers against the wall that sit next to the desk. Although it’s not much, you begin picturing all of the ways you can make it your own because, after all, you’re extremely lucky to have landed the job in the first place.

“Again, Kyla,” You set your box down onto the desk and turn to her. “Thank you.”

She laughs lightly and begins walking towards the door. “I’m just here to make sure you’re happy and content. The chief supervisor is actually the one who signed off your application, so save all that for him. Let me know if you need anything- anything at all- and I’ll be here to work it out.”

You nod and reach into your box to start taking your things out. “Sounds good.”

“Oh, and Y/N?” Kyla pauses, halfway out the door, and turns to you again. You stop to look at her with questioning eyes.

“Thank you for your service.”

You’ve heard the phrase hundreds of times before, yet it still sends you into a fit of confusion when someone hits you with it.

Did you really serve? Was your time fulfilling maintenance requests and working on heavy machinery enough to be considered service to your country?

Are you enough?

“Uh,” You scramble for the right words awkwardly. “Th-thank you for your support.”

Kyla nods, smiles, and then leaves with the closing of your door.

Twenty minutes and an empty cardboard box later, you sit in front of your new desktop monitor when there’s a knock on your door. It’s a familiar cadence that taps to a specific beat, yet you can’t place where you know it from.

“Come in!” You voice at a volume a little less than a yell. There’s a beat of hesitation before the knob turns.

Ever so slowly, the door opens.

Flame orange hair.

Mocha brown eyes.

Jung fucking Hoseok.

Your heart drops to the floor as your ex-fiancé stands in the doorway. Suddenly, all of the air in the room seems to be vacuumed out. He’s stolen it, rendering your ability to breathe practically nonexistent.

“H-Hoseok?” You stutter his name. “W-what’re you-”

“I’m- uh-” He seems to be just as dismayed as you, eyebrows furrowing incredibly hard whilst he looks at the floor. “I’m the Chief Supervisor.”

Dumbly, you continue to stare at him in silence, at a loss for words. He speaks again. “I see you’ve- er- settled in well.”

His brown eyes are inquisitive and shocked, although you don’t understand why.

If anything, you should be the one who’s surprised seeing as he’s apparently the one who hired you. He saw your name on the application- allegedly, he’s the one who approved it- so why does it look like he walked into the wrong office?

“Kyla helped me out.” You struggle to make small talk with him, scurrying for development yet becoming unsure of how to go about conversing with him.

You eye Hoseok critically, wondering why he’s being so awkward, and note the way his natural brown hair begins to push the orange out to reveal itself at its roots in an almost natural way. It gives away that he’s gotten his hair done since the last time you saw him on New Years Eve.

His eyes look tired because of the bags under them, something you’re not used to, yet he seems to have gained the smallest bit of mass around his shoulders and arms. Despite what he’s gone through in the last few months, he looks good.

And as much as you’d love to hate him, you still can’t.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Hoseok’s voice is almost a whisper, yet you can still hear the slight edge of bass that you used to love so much. Almost delicately, he steps into your office and you eye when he places his hand on the door to close it. Then, he decides against it, dropping his arm back to his side while he takes another step to stand in front of your desk. “Were you able to access your profile yet?

It’s hard to speak past the lump in your throat as you look up at him from your chair. “Not yet, no.”

“Wait,” He shifts his weight to the other foot and crosses his arms over his chest almost as if he’s trying to protect himself. His body language practically screams that he’s uneasy. “Did Kyla give you your log-in information yet?”

“She didn’t,” you answer him.

He toes the ground awkwardly. “Oh…”

In the tiny and quiet space of your office, the two of you go silent. Neither one of you speak for a few seconds.

Hesitantly, Hoseok grabs the back of the chair in front of your desk and moves to sit.

“So…” His voice is uneven. His eyes meet yours and there is something in them that throws you off. “How’ve you been?”

The tension in the question is palpable, although you can’t seem to place what kind of tension it is. Is it guilt? Obligation?

Sexual?

Suddenly, you can feel his hands skating up your thighs and coming to rest at your waist. His arms pulling you close to his warm body. Loving kisses to your cheeks and the corners of your lips.

The ghost of his touch hits you like a truck as he sits there and expects an answer from you. You have to shudder out a breath to collect yourself from the notion of missing his touch and love.

“I’ve been better,” you clear your throat. “But I’ve been worse.”

Hoseok’s smile is small and courteous, although, it is easy to see that something has changed him since the last time you saw him smile. His smile was blinding and beautiful when you saw him on New Years, but now? The light that contested the sun is nowhere to be seen.

He looks down at the floor again, breaking the line of tension and allowing you space to breathe. “I guess that’s… good.”

It’s easy to see that he’s lost. His lack of confidence is horribly obvious in the face of your judgement. The room goes quiet again and you can hear your own heartbeat pulsing in your ears because of how much it quickens from the situation.

“So you’re the one who hired me?” You place your hands onto your desk and lean into the question.

Hoseok raises his hand to the back of his neck and rubs sheepishly. “Oh- uh- yeah. I did.”

“Why?”

It’s a million-dollar question. One that has a simple answer. It could be dealt with professionally and truthfully with the way Kyla explained it earlier. He could take care of it smoothly and cleanly and move on with your professional relationship. But you don’t want him to.

Because, after all this time, you realize-

You still hope that he will come back to you.

The possibility that he hired you because he still cares about you lingers in the back of your mind. Even if he still cares about you as a friend, you cling to that hope like a koala clings to a tree. Jung Hoseok is a good person and you want him in your life in any way that you can have him.

Despite the fact that he gave up on you.

“I saw your application,” he says. “You’re more than qualified for this job.”

The statement does not satisfy your hopeful thoughts; instead of the answer you wanted, you got the answer that you needed.

It’s enough for you to see a future with Hoseok in it, but it’s not enough for a future that you thought about once upon a time. It’s also enough for you to know that he is no longer in love with you. That ship sailed long before you were forced to accept it.

Now that you have gotten to speak to him cordially and seen that there is nothing but friendly attitude, you can finally put any remaining reservations you had for him down into the grave of who you used to be.

“Well,” you say after a moment, clearing your throat of emotion. “Thank you for the opportunity. It was really hard to find a job.”

“It’ll be nice to have you around.” He smiles the smallest of smiles.

And in his eyes, you see the beginning rays of a sunrise.

“So, Y/N!”

Yeonjun yells a little over the music of the bar. You look at him with a quirked eyebrow.

“What brought you to BigHit?”

You set your glass on the table and turn your body to face him while the others continue to eat their food.

“I actually stumbled across it on Indeed! I saw they were hiring a technician and I needed a job really bad so I applied.”

He places his cheek on his hand and nods while you speak. When you give him the straightforward answer, he leans in a little. “Do you like it here so far?”

“It’s very nice.” You smile genuinely even though you’ve heard the question hundreds of times in the last four days. “It’s a huge culture shock.”

RaKeisha turns her head to look at you. “Oh yeah! You did tell me that you used to be in the military! I can’t imagine how much more lax it is.”

“Loads.” You laugh.

RaKeisha’s words seem to incite curiosity in Yeonjun.

“Oh?” He asks. “You were in the military?”

You nod and pick up your drink. “For ten years.”

The man hardly misses a beat before he says, “Military women are pretty admirable.”

The table of your new coworkers goes silent for a split second before erupting into a chorus of ohhhhhhh’s that make you duck your head in embarrassment.

“Christ.” You mutter and smile bashfully, blushing into your cup before taking another sip.

Another one of your coworkers, Soobin, claps a hand onto Yeonjun’s shoulder. “My man!”

As the dinner continues, you think more and more about the man who sits at the other end of the table. He casts you glances every now and then with the slightest of grins on his lips. He’s a little cute.

His blonde hair shines under the low light and his eyes are borderline flirtatious. You note the way his full lips twitch just slightly every time you make eye contact with him. He’s young- younger than you by a few years, you think- but he still carries himself like a man. Although his eyes are not full of sunshine, they are full of potential.

You like potential.

After twenty minutes of the back and forth, you finally smile back at him.

A chair scrapes loudly and the sound of cutlery clattering on the table distracts you from the moment. Everyone turns their heads towards the interruption.

Hoseok walks away briskly in his gray suit, however, you see a slight sway to his step that causes his path to become partially diagonal as he makes his way towards the restroom. It makes it obvious that he has begun to feel the alcohol that he’s been drinking.

He doesn’t turn around once.

RaKeisha furrows her eyebrows in confusion and leans in to whisper to you. “What was that about? Is he going to throw up or something?”

You brush off the strange action. It isn’t your business to meddle in his affairs anymore. To maintain the professionalism he set when he first came to talk to you, you shrug in response to your coworkers question.

“I don’t know. Something.”

"♨️Keep your clothes warm♨️"

The caption on your screen is short as you stare at the photos you’ve come across.

You lie in your bed and hold your phone while you lay on your side, scrolling through Hoseok’s instagram page in deep thought. Only recently did the two of you begin following each other again.

In the photo collection that is accompanied by the caption, he wore a Louis Vuitton scarf and a brown skull cap that concealed his eyes. He posed in an elevator where he used a certain filter that caused a fish-eye effect from the floor of it. You can’t help the small smile at how dorky he looks in each of the photos.

He’s just as dorky as you remember.

Yeonjun

iMessage

The notification slides down from the top of your screen and you quickly click it to get yourself out of the mild stalking you’re doing.

Fancy some more ice cream?

You smile at the message and then look at the time on your phone. It reads 11:24.

Kinda late to be getting ice cream, don’t you think?

His response bubble pops up almost immediately after your message is delivered.

We went out at like

2 am last time

You scoff and tap away at your phone.

We didn’t have work the next morning lol

Yeonjun replies quickly.

So? We won’t be long. I’ll pick you up in 20 mins

You roll your eyes at him, wondering how he manages to be so cute yet so annoying. Still, you get up and put on some shorts and a t-shirt.

Your adventures with Yeonjun have become normal in the last month or so. Even though he is increasingly flirtatious with you, he likes to keep what you do together private. No one at work knows of how the first team dinner kicked off a potential situationship with the man. It’s a little exhilarating. It makes you feel younger.

You’d like to think it’s a little game; there is obvious tension between him and you, but you are not going to be the one to make the first move, given your history, and, apparently, neither is he. Whoever gives in first? Well…

You’ll get to that part when you get there.

You also find that it is much too difficult to ignore the fact that you are afraid of what Hoseok would think of you finally getting into another relationship after all these years. Even as you walk out of your door and take the elevator to meet Yeonjun in the lobby, you quickly remedy the thought with a correction- you are afraid of what your Chief Supervisor would think of two of his employees getting into a relationship.

“There she is.” Yeonjun stands by the door and smiles at you, raising his hand to offer you the smallest of waves.

You smile back. “Here I am.”

The two of you head to his car in the warm spring night, giggling like teenagers when you resume your efforts of trying to trip each other. You finally get into the car with slight tears in your eyes from how hard you were laughing when his face was graced with a look of shock after actually stumbling.

You can feel the chemistry as he drives. You feel the attraction. He is undoubtedly handsome as he props an arm up on the steering wheel and hums along with the song playing on his stereo. If all of his flirtations are evidence of it, you think that he just might have feelings for you.

Maybe you can develop some for him too.

Rita’s stares back at you as the two of you pull up to the establishment. A short line of people stand in front of the window where a young girl serves her customers. She looks like she’s still in high school. You glance down and unbuckle your seatbelt as the brief thought of I remember being that young skates across your mind.

Everything is routine at this point; Yeonjun waits at the front of his car for you, you smile at him and he smiles at you excitedly- ‘gosh, it’s really nice to be doing this with you’- and you walk up to the line together. The place is always busier on Friday nights.

But then a wrench is thrown into your routine.

Yeonjun’s arm encircles your waist when the two of you stop at the back of the line. There’s hesitation in the way he does it. You can feel it in the way his fingers just barely feather against your hip, pull away, and then press completely down so that they can fully hold you.

It’s impossible to stop your head from looking up at him in surprise. Although it’s not the reaction you think he wanted you to have, you try to play it off by arching an eyebrow at him.

“Getting a little brave, are we?” You tease.

“Only for you, sweetheart.”

His response is smooth and quick. The way he lowered his voice to say it makes your heart lurch in your chest and your breathing falter for just a moment. How exciting.

Countless customers are served and, before you know it, you’re standing at the front and ordering alongside Yeonjun. A brief argument about who will pay and you begrudgingly letting him hand over his card later, you leave the window with him stuck to your side.

As you wait for your orders, he keeps his arm around your waist. It’s almost instinct for you to place your hand to his stomach because of how close you are to him. You can’t let him be the only one that proceeds forward now that he’s made a move. Another boundary has been passed and it’s your turn to meet the new one.

Yeonjun’s heart beats against your fingertips, strongly and surely pulsing below his skin. He’s warm and comfortable in your embrace. Being so close to him, so cozy, has you feeling a type of excitement that you haven’t felt since…

Hoseok.

The thought of him turns you cold instantly. You don’t have the slightest clue as to why it feels like his name breaks you out of a stupor- what about your current situation makes you stupid?

When the young girl calls Yeonjun’s name for the order, you detach from him quickly. For whatever reason, you can’t stay near him after thinking about your ex. It feels wrong.

You know that the sensation of being with Yeonjun opens you up to a potential relationship with him- if nothing else, a friend with benefits situation that can take care of your needs- so why doesn’t it feel right?

Even as Yeonjun looks at you with furrowed eyebrows, confused with why you’re rushing away from him, you wince- a confirmation that something is up. You’ve never been one to conceal your emotions well- you faced hell for it during your time in the military.

When you walk back over to him with your orders in hand, he still has the same look of perplexity on his face.

“You okay?” He asks.

You were expecting the question. It doesn't make answering it any easier, though.

"I..." You trail. "I don't know."

His eyes get a little wide and he clasps his hands together nervously. "D-did I... Did I make you uncomfortable?"

Quickly, you rush to comfort his worries. "No no, you didn't." You take a breath to try calming yourself so that you can organize your raging thoughts. "I'm just... thinking about some things."

"Some... things..." Yeonjun echoes what you've just said with puzzlement. Enough time has passed since you were served that his order of mint chocolate ice cream begins to melt just slightly. "Are they things I should be worried about?"

A burst of courage suddenly hits you. Without worrying any more about it, you grab his free hand and pull him away from the crowded area so that you can gain some privacy with the conversation.. "Yeonjun? I'm going to be honest with you."

"Okay..." He’s visibly confused as he raises his ice cream to his lips and licks up some of the dripping cream.

"But first," You say, taking a breath. It’s now or never.

“I need you to kiss me.”

Even as you say the words, you’re surprised that you actually say them aloud. The look of shock on his face is replicated with your own because neither of you were expecting to hear it.

“W-what?”

“Please,” you rush. “Just kiss me.”

“Y/N… not that I don’t want to,” You think he looks mildly horrified by your statement as he sits on the curb. “But why?”

“Because I-” You cut yourself off and go to sit down beside him, trying to figure out how to say what you want to say and panicking a little when no words come out. “- because-”

The sound of stuttering brings back the concerned look on his face. Your mild freak out has obviously made him uneasy.

“Hey,” He leans forward and grabs ahold of your hand in his. “Whatever it is, you don’t have to tell me now, okay? I’m just not sure I want our first kiss to be something that you need. I want you to want it.”

Yeonjun’s words stop your blazing path of courage in its spot. Do you want to kiss him?

You’ll give it to him; Yeonjun is hot. His blonde hair falls over beautifully brown eyes and frames his face when it stops right at his cheekbones. You think he looks like he could be in a movie when he slicks his hair back for work.

His lips are kissable. They’re full and plump and so pink as he stands and stares at you in expectation. No matter how much you can see the possibility of kissing him in your head, though, you’re left wondering- do you want that possibility to become a reality?

It could possibly remove you of the leftover feelings you have for Hoseok. You know that people get into relationships to get over old ones everyday; are you the type of person who needs a new guy to move on?

On the other end of the spectrum, kissing him could prove to you that you haven’t truly moved on from Hoseok.

Desperately, you want to find out, so- yes- you want to kiss him.

“Yeonjun,”

You whisper his name and place your hand over his. His fingers dig into your skin lightly and you scoot closer to him to remove the extra space. When he looks down at you headily, you press your chest to his. “I want you to kiss me.”

His free hand is slow to move. It skates up your side and gently cups your jaw to accompany his face as he leans in.

“Are you sure?”

His question is whispered mere inches away from your lips. Within the few moments he used to lean in, you started holding your breath. You don’t know why, though. Are you excited? Or nervous?

Rather than think about it any longer, you bring back your potent burst of intrepidity.

You barely get the ‘I’m sure’ out before you’re wrapping your arms around his neck and closing the remaining distance.

Yeonjun's lips are soft as they smash up against yours and you have to sigh at the sensation. He’s warm, embrace tight and secure, as he pulls you against him, and his breath tastes like mint chocolate. Although you don’t particularly favor his flavor of ice cream, it tastes wonderful when he slips his tongue onto the edge of your bottom lip to lave against it.

Yeonjun lets his hand on your face drop to your bent knee and squeezes it gently while he moves his lips against yours. Your heart rate picks up and your spine tingles with excitement because it's everything you’ve ever wanted in a first kiss with someone.

But that's just what it is- a kiss with someone.

Your body reacts naturally to having intimate, physical contact with a human being, but you realize that butterflies don't fill your stomach. Your thighs clench together with lust, but there is no passion. The possibilities of a future with this man are hardly there as he lowly grunts.

In this moment of time, where you share your breaths with someone who isn’t Jung Hoseok, you can’t help but feel like it is the most unnatural thing in the universe.

No one can make you feel the same and, because you kissed Yeonjun, you know for sure now- you're still not over Hoseok.

In your study of the kiss, you fail to reciprocate his lips' movements and go still. He must notice that your fervor is gone because his rhythm against you drastically slows.

Deliberately but surely, Yeonjun pulls away with a satisfied exhale on his lips and his eyes fluttering open. You can tell from the way he looks at you dreamily that he felt a lot more in the kiss than you did.

As you part your lips to take a breath, you feel how well-kissed they are. They tingle, and remnants of mint chocolate still sit on your lips when you lick them. Damn, he's a pretty good kisser. It’s shallow to think it, but you figure it’s your mind’s way of trying to soothe yourself.

"So," he whispers. You look at him with your hands still around his neck, unsure of how to handle the revelation. "I'm not the one, huh?"

The question burns your chest and makes you feel so guilty that you let your lips part to take an exhale of shocked shame. It’s so heavy and cumbersome that your heart breaks for him that very moment.

You lean your forehead against his and close your eyes while you try to sort out your thoughts.

“Yeonjun…” You hesitate again. It’s becoming more difficult to speak. “I…”

He pulls away to put his hand back on your cheek and thumb over your cheekbone.

“Is there someone else?”

You wince sheepishly. "Not exactly. It's... It's complicated."

Yeonjun chuckles at your words and slowly relaxes his hold on you. "I see. So it's like that."

"It is." You stiffly nod to confirm his thoughts.

The man who sits in front of you has a disheartened smile on his lips. The look tears you apart because the last thing you wanted to do was hurt him. As much as you feel bad for him, though, you know that you can’t delay the inevitable.

"Thank you."

Yeonjun expresses his gratefulness lowly and removes his arm from around you so that he can lean away and pick up his abandoned ice cream. Guilt and confusion still prevent you from doing the same.

"For what?" you ask.

Thoughtfully, he chews on his ice cream and then looks at you with a click of his tongue.

"For being honest with me." His smile turns crooked as he regards you. "It saved me from a lot of hurt."

His statement wasn't meant to make you feel guilty you don't think- Yeonjun doesn't seem like the petty type- yet you feel the ugliness of the sensation pressing on your chest like a truck. It makes the task of breathing just that much harder.

"Yeonjun, I'm-"

"Don't apologize." He cuts you off and places a hand on your shoulder.

"But, Yeonjun-"

"No ‘buts’, Y/N. I’m already so lucky that you even gave me a chance."

Suddenly, you look at him, feeling even more horrible because the compliment manages to actually flatter you. He’s too kind for his own good.

“Oh, come on, Jun. It’s not all that.”

Yeonjun smiles and looks at the ground with a blush on his cheeks.

“It is, though,” he says. “All of us at the office know how amazing you are. Soobin, Chanyeol, Mr. Jung-” You choke and splutter in shock from the unexpected name. With a quirked and worried eyebrow, he trails off. “-Mark… Y/N, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” You clear your throat and pump your fist to your chest a few times to try assisting your struggle. “Just choked on my spit a little.”

“O… kay…” He shakes his head and continues. “As I was saying, all the guys think you’re an amazing woman. They talk about you all the time.”

“Even Hoseok?”

Oh fuck. You were not supposed to fucking say that.

In a panic, your eyes widen as he narrows his at you.

"Is he the one who's making it complicated?"

You’re rushing to mend your slip up before you can even think about it.

“No! No. Uh…” You swallow thickly. “I was just wondering because- uh…” Shit. Think of something. “… because he’s our Chief Supervisor! It’s a little weird. Heh.” Nervously, you laugh, applauding yourself for coming up with something so quick. Once you finish laughing, you search his eyes to see if he’s bought your excuse.

Yeonjun’s face is unmoving for a moment, his eyes still picking you apart like you are an unsolved mystery, and it makes your heart leap away with anxiety.

Then, his face relaxes and he chuckles. “Well, yeah. Even Mr. Jung talks about you.”

You can’t press any further into the topic of your ex because it would allow Yeonjun to see right through your lie.

“That’s so weird,” you say instead. You need to make the conversation general again. “All of you talk about me?”

“Yep.” He struggles to answer you past his new mouthful of ice cream. “Ever since they saw me flirting with you at that team dinner.”

“Oh, good god.” You accidentally snort as you cover your face with your hand. “It’s been that long?”

Again, he takes a mouthful. “Mhm. ‘ou should sh-ee how much Chan-eol and Mish’ter Jung tal’ abou- ‘ou.” He swallows the melted dessert. “They’re like teenagers in high school.”

“What do they say?”

You ask the question with curiosity and hope bubbling up in your chest like fragile butterflies that have been blown away countless times before. They shudder under the weight of the pressure that the memories cause. It’s hard to forget what has happened to them over the years.

“Well, they talk about your work ethic a lot. And how you look extra beautiful when you’re working hard.”

The comment shocks you. You were prepared to hear something about your physical appearance, so when you hear Yeonjun point out something that’s not exactly physical- as you expected from a group of men- you become pleasantly surprised.

“Really?”

“You get this look on your face when you focus,” he says thoughtfully. “Your eyebrows kinda come together and everything. It’s really pretty.”

You become flushed and duck your head to begin eating your own dessert as something to occupy your facial features.

As flustered as you are by Yeonjun’s compliments, you find it’s hard to think about them when you've just been told that Jung Hoseok talks about you like he's not your ex-fiancé.

"Thanks, Jun…"

There’s an uneasy feeling that comes with the knowledge. It’s hard to think with people around you. After a beat, you speak your need.

"Actually… Can you take me home?”

He winces. "Did I make you uncomfortable?"

"You didn't..." you say, stressing the first word so that he knows you are actually uncomfortable. "But I think I'd like to be alone for the rest of the night. It's getting late anyway."

"I understand."

Yeonjun gets up and gives a few brushes to his backside to remove his shorts of any dirt that might be clinging there.

Your ice cream, forgotten, sits on the pavement as you walk back towards the car. Your mind is too muddled to remember it.

Yeonjun frowns, picks it up, and tosses it into the nearby trash can.

Now that you know to look, you can feel his eyes on you as you pour yourself another cup of coffee in the break room.

It’s your third one today. Wait, is it the fourth? Or fifth? You’d like to think that the reasoning behind you losing count is because of how focused you are on your work, but you know that the coffee has been unnecessary since the second cup. There’s no way around the fact that you’ve lost count because you keep getting cups so that you can see him put his eyes on you.

Since Yeonjun told you of your obvious influence on the men of the office, you’ve been especially watchful of whose eyes linger on you. It’s quite difficult, at first, until you realize that they all manage to avert their gazes just fast enough when you let yourself search.

But his eyes- Hoseok’s- they linger just the slightest bit too long. It’s long enough for you to see that he is looking at you with with a blank expression on his face. You expected curiosity or distaste- hate, even- but his face is almost devoid of any emotion. It’s certainly beginning to throw you off.

It throws you off so much that you pour the coffee until it spills over the sides of your mug.

“Shit,” you mutter and back away from the edge of the counter as it threatens to spill over onto the floor.

“Whoa there,” a familiar voice says from behind you. You turn to look at who you know to be Yeonjun lurking behind you. “What happened here?”

You sigh in frustration and turn to face him after putting the cup down. “Just kind of lost myself for a second and stopped paying attention.”

He smiles softly and reaches past you to grab some of the napkins from the dispenser. “Here, let me help.”

The two of you begin sopping up the spilled coffee and you keep your eyes down while the heat of embarrassment rises on your cheeks. Yeonjun tries to reassure you that what’s happened is nothing, ‘relax, babe,’ yet you can’t help but feel mortified that you made such a slip in front of your Chief Supervisor- in front of your ex-fiancé.

Once the coffee is cleaned, you both turn to toss the napkins in your hands into the trash can.

Thunk!

Yeonjun’s shoulder bumps into your forehead as he turns towards you at the same time that you turn towards him. You immediately shoot your hand up to soothe the dull ache that the force has incited and the man is quick to do the same to comfort you.

“Oh fuck,” He grabs onto your shoulder and leans down to look into your downturned face. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re good.” You wince, rubbing your forehead affectionately. It only takes a brief moment for you to remember that someone else has seen the entire interaction and you quickly jerk your head in the direction of where you know him to be standing.

Brown eyes no longer train your figure. In fact, he has completely left the break room.

His absence leaves a terribly noticeable emptiness in your chest.

Glasses clink together and beers slightly spill over the edges from the contact. A chorus of cheers accompany the movement.

“Congrats, team! Another fiscal for the books!”

Hoseok smiles brightly as he regards his team, loving every moment of the camaraderie. He lets his eyes sweep over every member who bring their glasses to their lips and watches as each one takes sips and gulps of the golden beverage.

“Chug! Chug! Chug!”

The man’s attention is drawn to his accounting manager, Yeonjun, as he continues to gulp when everyone else has ceased. As soon as he sees Yeonjun, though, he also sees you egging him on with the most excited of smiles on your face.

Hoseok can’t help but try to distract himself with the bitter taste of the beer.

He hates the idea of the two of you, but rumors about how you began spending time with the younger man started circulating the office ages ago. It's an unavoidable truth now.

He sees the way Yeonjun makes you happy; he noticed the way you became no longer interested in anything to do with himself mere weeks after you first started; Hoseok grew to accept that you no longer loved him long before he, himself, had begun to lose those feelings.

Just one more hug.

You gave the best hugs in his opinion.

Even as you lean into Yeonjun while he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, Hoseok can’t think of anything but being able to wrap his arms around you and pull you to him one more time. You had this habit of giggling whenever he picked a random moment to encase you in his embrace and he used to revel in the feeling of your body vibrating with happiness against his own.

Now, he begs for the sensation.

If he were brave, he’d throw all caution to the wind and march right over to you so that he could feel your hug again. He would press his nose into your neck and crush you to him like he wants whilst everyone else watches their boss crumble below your fingertips.

But he’s not brave. He’s a fucking coward. Hoseok proved the statement to himself when he cancelled his engagement and broke up with you.

He was too much of a coward to handle your lifestyle. He wasn’t brave enough to continue loving you even after the fact because he wasn’t able to charge through the obstacles that came with loving someone in the military. Worst of all, he was too much of a chicken to approach you on the night of the New Years’ party. He was so ashamed that he couldn’t even look at you.

So he dyed his hair flame orange.

Don’t get him wrong- he definitely likes the style- but he wouldn’t do something crazy like that on a normal day and he could definitely think of a few other aesthetic things he could do to his body to make you look at him.

Maybe an eyebrow piercing. Maybe a lip piercing. Hoseok doubled back on those thoughts when he thought about their more permanent- and painful- consequences.

So he ended up dying his hair. He did it so that you’d have to instinctually look at the strong color; so that you’d have to look at him first.

He also got himself a girlfriend. Maybe it would spur the jealousy in you so that he could know for sure if you still cared or not.

To say that his plan worked was the truth- you undoubtedly eyed his hair when he stepped in front of you after Laci approached you- but you didn’t look at him in the way that he wanted you to. In fact, you almost seemed to dote on his relationship like a proud mother. The notion made him frustrated.

Because you were happy for him; he didn’t want you to be happy for him. He’s usually so good at keeping his emotions concealed from those around him, but when he had Laci on his side and your happy eyes driving him further into the ground, he couldn’t help but feel the guilt of a thousand criminals weighing on his psyche.

That’s what he is, anyway. A criminal. He had no right to do what he did to you.

Hoseok is very aware of the pain he caused you on the night that he left you and he is also conscious of the fact that you felt that pain for a very long time from the way Namjoon had explained it. He’d heard through the grape vine that you stopped talking to the guys as often as you used to and that you had been in a handful of reckless situations after the breakup. For crying out loud, you’d apparently gotten fucking shot.

It seems that that stage of your life has long been over, though.

You sit so content now, next to Yeonjun, and you have a beautiful smile on your lips that displays just how much you’ve grown since being his fiancé.

He hates the idea of you with someone else now but he loves the idea of you being content. When you left the New Years’ party, he knew that any future he had with you was over and done with. It didn’t matter that you were retiring- any hope he might have had to maybe be yours again was long gone.

Like he did at many of the team dinners before, Hoseok gets up with jealousy pushing his anger to the visible surface. His chair scrapes loudly against the floor despite the loud commotion of the occupants in the restaurant and he can feel the eyes of his employees on him as he begins stalking angrily away.

The bathroom at this place has become his sanctuary by this point. He finds that he makes an escape to it every time they come here after work. His own little solitude, away from the chaos that you bring into his mind at these dinners, serves as the perfect oasis to calm him down.

Hoseok follows the corridor down to where the single bathroom sits nudged into the center, under a lone ceiling light, and he goes to grab the brass knob but finds it locked.

Sighing heavily, he leans against the wall and tips his head back with his eyes closed in wait. Many things cross his mind now that he's separated himself from the loudness of the team dinner.

Unsure of how much time has gone by, he blames the lengthy silence for how much he jumps when the door finally opens and RaKeisha steps out.

“Mr. Jung?“

He smiles quickly to cover up the unsound state of his mind.

"You took your time,” he jokes.

The woman steps out from the bathroom slowly, unsurely, and he can tell from the way she slightly missteps that the alcohol has begun to affect her equilibrium.

"I'm sorry, sir. I was just trying to freshen up a little."

"Don't fret, Kei. I was just messing around. And how many times must I tell you to call me Hoseok at these functions?"

She giggles lightly and begins to walk forward. "At least once more, Mr. Jung."

Suddenly, she stumbles, and he instinctively rushes to catch her.

Hoseok grunts with effort as she spills into his arms heavily. Her hands fly desperately to assist in catching herself and she makes a small sound- a squeak- as she was preparing to meet her end.

He's able to steady her after a few struggle-filled moments and he's thankful that he acted quick enough to keep her from tumbling onto the floor.

“Are you okay?” He asks, looking down at her worriedly.

She chuckles sheepishly with embarrassment.

“I am.”

And then she looks up at him with those eyes.

Somehow, they look like yours.

Rakeisha’s skin complexion is much different from yours. Her eyebrows are shaped differently and her hair isn't the same. Overall, she looks nothing like you.

But the way she looks at him is the way you once did.

Rakeisha's eyes are wide and undeniably beautiful as she looks up at him and he can't help but only see you as her face gets close to his. Your nose, your lips, your eyelashes; you stare up at him as he stares down at you.

“Hoseok,” you whisper in the voice that isn't yours. His heart gallops away in his chest as he scrambles to clear his mind of the illusion. His arms tighten around the body that isn't yours, yet his mind remembers exactly what it was like to hold you so intimately.

And then you lean in. And so does he.

Hoseok kisses the lips that aren't yours as if they are, clutching tightly onto you so that he can pour out everything he feels for you to let you know he wanted to come back to you. He really did. And now, it’s too late.

But then, you gasp. The real you gasps.

He thinks he imagines it as he feels his adrenaline pump in his veins and his heart hammer away in his chest. Maybe you feel it when he tightens his arms around you and pulls you so that your chest presses against his own. He wants you to feel everything.

But then, the illusion is gone and it is RaKeisha who still stands fused to his body. You are not the one he holds like his life depends on it. He’s not holding the one who truly makes him happy.

Hoseok turns to look at your wide, shocked eyes with RaKeisha still chasing after his lips in his arms.

Looking back, continuing to hang out with Yeonjun whilst knowing that he wanted to be with you may not have been your wisest decision.

The both of you agreed that you did not want anything like that- it's purely friendship at this point- but you can't help the shame that comes with yet another failed attempt at moving on. It's now been almost four years since the separation and you've failed every time you tried again.

But when you see Hoseok storm off to the bathroom yet again, you can't help the small itch at the back of your mind that tells you that it could be because of you.

You want your presence to irritate him. You want him to be bothered by the fact that you're being friendly with another guy. The idea of making Hoseok jealous is much too enticing to resist.

Is this yet another red flag?

Meh.

The likelihood that his jealousy stems from being without you is extremely minuscule- if not nonexistent. It's a lot more likely that he's jealous of you.

He's also failed at getting into another relationship since Laci and it might have torn him up a lot more than he lets on. And, although the two of them are no longer together, you tend to catch yourself comparing yourself to her on occasion.

The dinner continues without your Chief Supervisor and people begin to get antsy because of his absence. A few of the younger employees get a little out of hand and the older ones wonder where he is so that he can instill some professionalism back into the group.

You volunteer to go check on him without thinking twice about it. Must be the beer.

You leave the large room, following Hoseok’s path, and look down at the floor unconsciously so that you can walk straighter. Part of you wonders if he’s actually using the bathroom or if he’s just sitting in there shutting himself away like he does when he’s overcome with emotion.

When you look up, the hallway to the bathroom is dark yet the door to it is lit by the ceiling light right above it like a spotlight. It allows you to see the silhouettes of two people entangled with each other. Immediately, you recognize the shape of Hoseok’s hair draped over whoever he is bound to. It falls just long enough to touch her forehead.

He grunts softly and his arms tighten around whoever he’s with as you get closer, yet your steps are losing the speed they were at before because you realize that your heart is quickly crumbling to the floor.

When you get close enough, you pick out the locks on RaKeisha’s head dangling down. Hoseok holds her to him so tightly that her back is forced to bow her body into him.

You couldn’t stop the gasp from leaving your lips if you tried. The sight punches a hole in your chest and the air from your lungs.

They don’t move at the sound of your breath, yet they detach from each other quickly after another beat of heated kissing and tightening arms. As if they convey ‘I don’t want to let you go.’ Your emotions are a maelstrom in your head and the chaos makes it seem like things move in slow motion.

Hoseok brings his hand up to thumb at the corner of his lips. RaKeisha adjusts her shirt back over her stomach because it had somehow ridden up over her waist while they were kissing.

“Y/N-” she starts, swallowing thickly. “I- uh-”

Even though you know you shouldn’t be, you feel extremely petty and unnaturally jealous of her as you wait for her to spout some nonsense to you. She’s your friend, yet the audacity she had to kiss your ex-fiancé- even though she didn’t know about your history with him at all- temporarily wipes you of common sense.

“Y/N,” Hoseok speaks instead, out of breath and donning an extremely guilty look on his face. It’s too dark to tell, but you’re almost one hundred percent sure that he’d look pale if you could see him properly.

“It’s not what it looks like.”

You have to resist the urge to roll your eyes. The pettiness has left a bitter taste on your tongue and a block of ice in place of your heart. It prevents you from putting any effort towards trying to understand the situation because- oh, for fuck’s sake- it’s obvious that it is exactly what it looks like.

“I didn’t ask,” you say. Okay, maybe you drank a bit more than you thought. You’re not usually this short with people.

Hoseok hesitates for a moment while RaKeisha ducks her head and books it. The retreat leaves you alone with him.

“Okay.” His voice is lowered by the uncertainty in it.

You respond almost automatically. “Okay.”

He stands there, head lowered, and purses his lips while you stare at him observantly. He can’t seem to meet your eyes because of how you’re looking at him. Good, you muse. You hope he feels small.

“Well,” You suck in a breath, bring your lips between your teeth, and begin to turn away. “I’m going back to the dinner.”

“Y/N-” He stumbles forward as he reaches out. “Wait.”

“Why the fuck would I wait for you?” It’s too easy for the question to come spilling out and it comes out too fast for you to at least control the way you ask it. You turn to look at him with your anger finally exposed on your face and he recoils and pulls his hand back to his side as if the question has burned him. Red hot rage boils in your blood and controls your words. “You couldn’t wait for me.”

He opens his mouth and then closes it because you know that he has absolutely nothing to say. You are right and he knows it.

Instead of speaking to further the conversation any more, you begin walking away.

His fingers wrap around your arm in a crushing grip and yank you back in such a direction that your back thumps against the wall. A dull ache resounds from where your shoulder blades came into contact with it. The action alone makes you want to fight him because of how he thinks he just has the right to touch you.

“What the fuck, Hoseok!” You hiss and raise your arm to rip it from his grasp.

“Just-” He raises his hands up in surrender, obviously apologetic, and looks away from you. “Just stop-” He grits his teeth, balls his hands into fists, and drops them to his sides. “- stop leaving me.”

“What the hell do you mean?” You bite. It feels good to cuss so much at him. “What else am I supposed to do?”

Angrily, you poke your finger into his chest to accentuate your words. “You left me, asshole.”

He sighs harshly and leans into you with his hand on the wall despite the aggression in your actions. Unconsciously, your hands come up and fold in front of your chest at the new closeness.

“That wasn’t- it wasn’t-” He bares his teeth in frustration and then licks his lips, struggling. “It didn’t end how I wanted it to.”

You scoff in disbelief. “Look, Hoseok. What we had is over with. It has been for years.” It hurts you to say it. “But what still hurts is the fact that you wanted it to end.”

He slams his hand against the wall twice, shaking his head vehemently. “No, no! Not like that! I didn’t wa-”

But you don’t want to hear what he has to say. You’re done with his excuses. “I’m not who I used to be, so don’t give me that.”

He goes quiet again, letting you speak.

“But thank you for everything. Genuinely, thank you. You were the best and worst thing that ever happened to me and I’m grateful that you did what you did because it allowed me to grow.”

He’s incredibly silent as you conclude your interaction. “I’m done with this conversation.”

And you walk away, leaving him in the dark hallway.

Hey! Thanks for reading! Part two will be out soon!