I'll write the pain away

Trying my hand at poetry to cope with everyday life. My mental health is obviously a mess, so be careful for potential triggers

[illwritethepainaway]

Your eating disorder is like an anchor. You got to cut it loose before you can move forward.

-D.D.

[illwritethepainaway]

I haven't known who I am without all this sadness for many years. I don't think there's anything left to go back to. I think I just have to rebuild myself again, or at least I've been trying to do that. But right now I'm a ball of negative qualities and difficult emotions and I want to shape myself into a person I can be proud of. Someone friendly, happy, spontaneous, polite, caring, wise, confident and a lot of other things that I just not am at the moment. But I'm trying to get there.

D.D.

[illwritethepainaway]

1 YEAR SELF HARM FREE

I cannot believe it. I never thought I would be able to do this. I never thought I could get this far. Okay, I still have a lot of work to do and I am in no way recovered (reached a new lowest weight today after 2 admissions in ED clinics) but FUCK IT I AM SO GODDAMN PROUD OF MYSELF!

Thank you for every one who supported me in the progress, everyone who sent kind words to me. I love you all so much. 

I will try to write more xx

[illwritethepainaway]

I'm not dead But I might as well be

D.D.

[illwritethepainaway]

Locked Locked between 4 walls Locked in my own brain My voice Locked behind silent lips Lips that won't open My eyes Locked behind my eyelids They don't want to see all the evil Am I locked in because my safety is in danger Or did I lock myself in Without an escape plan

D.D.

[illwritethepainaway]

I feel as if I owe my followers more poems but I'm just too overwhelmed to find pretty words and string them together as a message I want to share with the world

Treatment is so much harder than I thought it would be.

- D.D.

[illwritethepainaway]

can you do an update? Are you still inpatient?

Hey, I just posted a really big update on my personal blog (theactofsurvival) but in short: I transferred to an ED clinic, after 4 weeks I started freaking out about the weight I had gained and I refused to eat. After a week of that behavior they kicked me out and I went back to an open crisis ward (hello 9th unit), I stayed there for a month, had a new intake in the same ED clinic this week and there is no one on the waiting list and I totally convinced them how motivated I am now (definitely because of my physical problems and my future perspective) so I can start again next freaking monday ayyy!But if you want the full review of the past month (my birthday, the ER, moving hospitals and stuff) head over to my personal blog and enjoy an extremely long post :)

[illwritethepainaway]

Don't be deceived. If you have anorexia it feels like you have everything under control You are strong Stronger than your own instincts even Powerful But oh darling, you're being played It's not until you start your journey to recovery You realize Anorexia is controlling you instead

It took me 5 hours tonight to convince myself to eat one slice of bread

-D.D

[illwritethepainaway]

The first week you will not believe that such an amount of food is supposed to fit into your stomach The second week you will be struggling through 6 meals a day And you will feel like there's a balloon under your skin; your stomach ready to burst The third week you will notice the first changes in your body and you wil cry and cry while another girl strokes your hair and can't help drop a tear herself because she too can see it in the mirror You will see your weight go up and up and up and up and it looks like it will fucking skyrocket through the roof But damn you want to start enjoying food again And have sleepovers with your friends and eat all the pizza you can And you will want that future No the first weeks, maybe not even the first months But one day you will make that switch and you will see the entire world and smile because food is more than a number and you found peace. You found happiness.

D.D.

[illwritethepainaway]

Hello there...

I transferred from the closed psych ward to an ED clinic yesterday.

Everything is very overwhelming, scary, and I’m terrified of the food, the eating, the weighing in you underwear every morning in front of the entire hallway, a row of underweight girls in their underwear...

Sorry for writing so little x

[illwritethepainaway]

Do you have panic attacks ? Just want to ask some questions about it

Yes. More frequently a few years ago when I was at college but I still have them like twice a month or so. Ask away!

[illwritethepainaway]

I was wondering how you were able to go 100 days without self harm? That's amazing! I wish I could do the same

It was an OCD thing for me. I had to cut myself every other week and the wounds had to need stitches and otherwise I had failed and I had to punish myself and try again every day until I got it right. Then I attempted suicide and they kept me in a safe room for 3 weeks. When I got out, I had my blade back but I didn’t know what to do with it. My system was all messed up. The urging voice in my head blanked and I realized I didn’t want to cut myself. I didn’t want the pain of cutting so deep, the shame of going to the ER, the pain of the sedation injections, not being able to sleep comfortably for the next few days, not being able to eat properly because I couldn’t move one arm. 

And all of the sudden I was like... what have I been doing to myself for the past 2 years? How did I end up at this locked ward for personality disorders. What am I doing? I don’t even like cutting myself so why would I do it????

And so I quit. It’s been 6 months now and I’ve never had the urge to cut again. I simply made a switch in my head, but that was because for me it was really obsessive and compulsive and it lost it original function of controlling my emotions. So my experience probably isn’t really helpful but that’s how I did it.

[illwritethepainaway]

How do you explain to a guy that you like him but there's too much anxiety in the way to love him

D.D.

It looked like I would finally find my first boyfriend but my head is louder than my heart

[illwritethepainaway]

I'm trying to open up But I keep swallowing my words And the words crumble before I can put them on paper What is wrong with me I want to get this out of me This story, out of my head

D.D.

[illwritethepainaway]

If I were an animal, it might be cliché But I'd be a bird and I'd fly far away Far away into the morning sun To a life that hasn't yet begun I'd fill it with joy, happiness and peace Come with me, we'll finally be at ease

D.D.

[illwritethepainaway]

Am i getting better? Or am I lying to myself? I feel better But what's that suicide date doing in my head then I don't even understand myself anymore

D.D.

[illwritethepainaway]

I’m 100 days self harm free today