I hate this website because I heard “Thinking Out Loud” by Edward Sheeran and all I could think about was that one fucking video you know the one
Hey bud the hint only made me more confused
I’m so honored I get to share this with you
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@ilolatpeople
I hate this website because I heard “Thinking Out Loud” by Edward Sheeran and all I could think about was that one fucking video you know the one
Hey bud the hint only made me more confused
I’m so honored I get to share this with you
I think one of the funniest things I’ve accidentally taught my parrot is yelling “WHAT?” The best part is that if he says something weird and and someone else says “what???” he usually repeats what he just said. Like just now, I was cooking in the kitchen and he heard me boiling water so he asked “you wanna noodle?” but I couldn’t quite hear him so I yelled “WHAT” and he repeated “you wanna noodle?”
Mostly he just likes yelling it, though.
Less funny things I’ve accidentally taught my parrot:
to make the smoke detector noise every time someone makes toast
to make gross eating noises at us when he wants us to share our food
to announce that he is about to poop just about every time he poops
to demand payment in the form of peanuts for every instance of good behavior
no seriously he says “I get a peanut” every single time and gets VERY MAD if not given a peanut
……LESS funny??!??????
I’m reading that in a “oh god what have I done” kind of way.
I think I just temporarily ruined someone’s life and yeah do I need to say anything else?
We don’t deserve dogs
See that’s when you have to realize you gotta drop out of college and stay your ass home
me and my friend evan made this video back in march after finding a brick abandoned outside of the safeway by our school and we got our friend richard to write a whole article about it in our school newspaper
Me: Huh, what are those bottles doing? Swinging? Are they going to hit or something? Ooho, that one was close…
Person in background: *does the thing!*
Me: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK AMAZE
Robin Hood 2K17.
O_O
nothing feels better than winning monopoly. not love. not sex. not free pizza. nothing
I’m sorry, have you tried pizza…?
yes and it doesn’t compare to owning half the board and watching the light die from your friends eyes as you take their money and feel your friendship slowly deteriorate
ladies and gentlemen we have officially reached the “in case a nuclear attack happens” phase……. [x]
This shit is wild.
There should be an amber alert or something to warn us, hopefully. But if you’re so close to the blast that the entire outside flashes white your first priority is to get underneath the blastwave any way you can.
After that you have 2 options: drive away or protect yourself from the radiation.
Option one is tough because literally everybody else is going to want to do this, and you could get stuck right in the fallout. And lemme tell you, if you’re stuck out there when the ashes first fall for more than 15 minutes, you’re dead. Radiation poisoning.
Option two is harder, but has a better success rate. Get underground. Most houses have a crawlspace, but in this bad time just saw a fucking hole in your floor. Put table over hole. Pack some large containers (like tubs), with dirt, tight, and stack them on your table or wherever you’re going to be directly underneath. you need 36 inches if dirt to be protected from the radiation poisoning. You could preemptively buy lead and stick that in a container with a lot of serface area, i forget how many inches you need vertically.
How ever much serface area the dirt/metal/lead covers is how much you and your party will be able to move around. As long as there’s enough inches vertically you’ll be good so long as you stay under it.
You gotta stay under there for at least 2 weeks, 3 to be sure.
Also, if you can see the mushroom cloud, stick your arm out as far as you can. Do a thumbs-up and close one eye. If your thumb is bigger than the cloud, you are safe. If the cloud is bigger or the same size as your thumb, then that means you are in the radiation zone and should evacuate immediately.
I cannot believe I actually have to freaking reblog this but here y'all go just in case
Take a break from the humor for just a second and read this.
how to really get to know someone:
- look at their handwriting
- read their favourite book and search for pieces of them within the pages
- listen to their music and let it resonate with you
- go to their favourite place
- stay up ‘till 3am and let them spill their heart out to you
- ask them unusual questions that you never even thought would intrigue you
- spend a day with them doing nothing
- look out for the things they subconsciously do when they’re happy
- watch how their smile forms
- go through old photos with them
- use their body wash when you shower at the persons place (truly, you’ll feel it)
- talk to their parents, grandparents or siblings
I love the ones added <3
-Make them laugh and learn their different laughs (my personal fave to share with someone is the sleepy-drunk laugh)
- make art with them, sitting in the silence just drawing or painting, or having deep conversations while making art, both realllyyy connect them
- spent time with their pets (but not too much because they might be jealous) - notice how they squeeze the toothpaste bottle.
- let them tell you their dreams and ask if you can look it up for them, share the results.
- learn their impulse buys/decisions
^^^ ahhh these are so cute!!
- listen to their scratchy voice in the morning
- have deep eye contact with them
- look at their hands
I love doing this so much
me: [at work, ringing up two parents and their toddler who's sitting in the cart trying to get their attention]
toddler, quietly, waving hands around: [incomprehensible]
mom: what?
toddler, even quieter: [incomprehensible]
dad: you gotta speak up, bud
toddler, at full volume: FUCK.
i know its the mets, but this is the coolest shit i’ve ever seen a human being do
Smoove with it too
This is the kind of shit you see in anime that shows that a certain character is stronger than other characters.
“Pathetic. You can’t even hold the bat you dare step to the plate? Have you no respect for the sport?”
reminds me of this gif
Baseball players are to be feared
Reblogging for the last one
^Same for me
They just kept getting progressively more “woah”
I was eating dinner with my mom and when she went to pay I noticed a “Hooters” frequent diner card or whatever in her wallet. I asked her WTF, and she explained that a friend of hers got a coupon for the grand opening and so a group of them went for lunch just to try it out. This is a group that consists of women from their 50s into their 80s. Apparently the food decent but the service was amazing, and the servers were “all such wonderful girls, so sweet! Said it was nice to take a break from all the gross men they had to deal with.” So they decided to come back. Now they go once a week at least, and the Hooters waitresses fight each other for who gets to serve them. Anyhow I thought it was cute.
I am all for the idea of a bunch of aunties and grandmas invading a space typically dominated by men acting like gross creepers and just taking the fuck over and being nice to the ladies on staff.
Because who the fuck is gonna argue with an army of polite older ladies?
Nobody, that’s who.
how the hell do people cheat i’m so shocked that people actually cheat on their significant others what’s wrong w you
how the hell do people judge i’m so shocked that people actually judge on their fellow humans what’s wrong w you
full offense but what the fuck is wrong with you
If Shakespeare was alive in 2017:
Someone: POLITICS and ART should always be SEPARATE! There is NO REASON why ART should be POLITICAL!
William Shakespeare: *laughs. writes 3 more tiny hand jokes into his latest play, King Tiny Hands.*
I was out with a friend tonight doing one of my fave things. Reading the backs of romance novels aloud. Found this gem.
This is honestly the most wild sounding romance novel I have ever seen and thought it might brighten someone’s day.
OK FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T REALIZE, SANDRA HILL IS THE WOMAN WHO WROTE “ROUGH AMD READY” ANOTHER EROTIC VIKING NOVEL. SOME OF THE MORE MEMORABLE QUOTES BEING:
“As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm.”
“Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.”
“Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.”
YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE I HAVE READ THIS TO AT COLLEGE. ONE GUY COMPLETELY LOST IT FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES AFTER HEARING THE PHRASE “DICK ANEURYSM.”