a letter for the past
Hello..
I didn’t know how many letters I wrote for you already, but never give it to you. Even now, I still didn’t know how to put all my feeling in this piece of paper. I never find the right words before, no matter how long it is, I still feel like there are so many thing left unsaid. I think because my feeling for you was so complicated. But now, im sure about myself, about want Im gonna do after I send this letter to you.
My dear friend, the last time we talked i saw how mad you are, your words was too harsh, honestly. You make feel like I’ve done something that not even God can forgive. You talked about my mistake like I didn’t do anything to redeem it. So my dear friend, let me refresh your mind, in case you hit something in the head that make you lost some memories…
Yes. I made mistake because I didn’t come to your mother funeral. And that was my worst mistake. And Im truly sorry because I cant be there for you. But just because I wasn’t there, didn’t meant I didn’t care about you nor your mother. I care about you both. Then I made another mistake when the night I asked you to break up. I regret it the second you hang up the phone.
But did you forget, (you say to people that I left you and didn’t understand why), after that night I called you every hours, every day. I was begging you to stay, to come back, saying I was sorry. But no, you didn’t answer it. You rejected every call and ignore every messages. Until two week after that, you called me again just to say that we are done, that there is nothing we can do anymore. Done. It was your own decision, my dear friend.
I did everything I can do to win you back. I closed my eyes from everything. I didn’t care how you treat me. I ignore it everytime you put me in hell. Did you punish me, my dear friend? I was giving you everything that I have, all for you. And my dear friend, the whole world can see it. Except you. Why did you say I didn’t care about you, why did you say that I left you?
Is it because I got myself a new boyfriend, that suddenly you realize you lost something? It’s only after Im gone you said you love me. You love me. Really?
Let me ask you my dear friend,,
Where is the love you said when you ignored my call, when you made me waited all day just for your reply, begging you to come back?
Where is the love you said when you said that you love her, when you asked her to be your girlfriend?
Where is the love you said when you held her in your arms?
Where is the love you said when you invited her in?
Where is the love you said when I was asking you what I meant to you, and you just said that im merely your friend, that you are a loyal boy who only have one girlfriend, when I was still tangled up in your arms but you treat me like a whore? (my dear friend, you are the first one to call me “friend”, if you are angry about me calling you my friend, think about what it make feel back then?)
Where is the love you said when you told Helena that “I didn’t have any feeling left for widya, we remain as good friend because we know each other family”?
Where is the love you said when you made promises by day, and broke it by night?
Where is the love you said when you turn your back on me, walked away from me, lock me out and you laughed with her instead?
Where is it my dear friend? I truly cant see it. Well may be sometime I see it, but most of time you turn those sweet thought into swords.
Or is that the kind of thing you called love, is that how you love someone? If yes, im not surprise by how your life turn into now..
You suddenly feel betrayed because I choose him over you? Do you think how I feel back then when I found out you have a new girlfriend. Just few day before I found it out, you said it yourself that you didn’t have any. And what hurt me the most was when I found out when was you two start flirting then dating. You already planning it rite? You ignored me whole month in November because you already got yourself a future girlfriend, You pushed me till my limit so I was the one who ask to break up, so you can tell your friend how I left you, And then, not even in 24 hours we broke up, when I was still crying for you, you asked her to be your girlfriend. You don’t even feel sad. that was a good plan, my dear friend. I wasn’t the one who talked only the bad things. Have you told them what you did after we broke up? About you told me to wait for you, about me waited foolishly for you even after I know it? Or did you forget that? I really didn’t know what to do to make you realize that you hurt me so bad. .
Please don’t say that you love me, because you don’t. you just give me hope, a lil bit here and lil bit there. You never gave me a whole things, a real things. You made me waiting because you know I would, you know you have power over me, you can do anything as you pleased and I didn’t have the courage to leave you. You didn’t love me my dear friend, you just love the attention I gave you, you love that im being small for you so you can stepped all over me. You love because you know I will be there when your plan with her didn’t go well, you just make me as your last choice. You didn’t love me, because you let me cry in the night wishing you loved me. You just love me because i was weak.
you never thought that i will finally get the strength to leave, don’t you? Yes you have the right to be mad because the mistake I made in the past, but you have no right to be mad when I get myself what I deserve. You are the one who made me realize what I deserve.
When you threw away all I gave to you, he takes anything left from me.
When you ignore me, his attention is all on me.
When you went away with her, he stays beside me.
When you take me for granted, he said he was lucky to be loved by me.
When you broke me into pieces, he holds my hand and help me fixing myself.
Please don’t say you love me because you actually afraid being the bad guy. At least Im being honest, saying im afraid to be the bad girl. But you, you are too full with lie. you used to lie so no one can blame you. You just cover up each lie you said with another lie for another day. You are a coward. Hiding behind the misfortune that happened to you, suddenly play the victim, play the weak, use it as a shield, as an excuse to hurt me, an excuse to blame it all on me. Don’t say that I was the one who keep asking to be understood by you, when you just did anything you want carelessly and wishing me to understand you and stay beside you. I do know how hard your life, and I offered you my hand. My dear friend, if you haven’t realize it yet. I was there for you.
I was the one who reply to your message at 1 am, I was the one who listening to your story, how you missed your mom, your fear, your dream.
I was the one who kissed away your pain when she is not around
I was the one who lay beside you at night watching you when she already sleeping.
I was the one who held you when you are down.
But no, you forget it all. The only thing in your mind was what I’ve done wrong. Saying that I didn’t care for you. I was trying to understand you, but your words and your action was never the same. You said different things to different people. Your thought was keep changing from time to time. You are a man I cant trust.
Please don’t suddenly love me now after I let you go, what you intended to do? To make me feel bad about myself? To make me regret my decision? I regretted letting you go once, and I did everything to win you back. But now, I walked away from you and realize you are worth to let go.
Treat her well my dear friend, love her right. Think about how hard it is for her to live with someone who barely love her and doesn’t even recognize her as his girlfriend.
Dont value something only after it’s gone.
Don’t say I didn’t know you my dear friend, what I said is right, it just you who refuse to admit it..
Be safe, may Good with you when karma hits you hard.
With love,
Your old friend.
