And you've found me..

Danni,18 just out of ip the bastards:):):)

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I am still alive,trying to change things...

I know I don’t post on here now, but I still check up on people and I’m currently in a general psych ward as I have been inpatient for over a month now just because of how bad things got mentally and now I’m also physically at my worst. I am here being kept alive, maintaining at the moment but not without a lot of hell to be honest, it is torture because I’m in here where they don’t understand and I can’t be helped BUT I am NOT sectioned thank goodness. I am coming to terms with everything and SEEING everything seeing anorexia,seeing me be a monster, seeing what i’m doing,what I feel controlled,compelled to do and I am twisting and turning with wanting to accept and not. Currently, I cannot CHOOSE myself to do more than avoid being sectioned so comply as far as maintaining my weight,getting through meals how I can do them, but I’m TRYING to keep hold to what I’ve accepted and not revert back into a state of denial JUST because I can decieve and lie here so I am not being helped as such but I am trying to stop my old ways of struggling through decietfulness and trickery just because I can here. This is all changing soon and I’m WAITING for the chance to let go of this control and windows of temptations that are stopping me from doing so by myself and I’m going to be in the Priory next friday now so I am and they are trying here to now hold on for a week more as I am spiralling down and down but I ACCEPT it and i KNOW. I’m NOT ready to ‘recover’ or gain weight but I NEED to let go and I NEED anorexia to stop being able to win here in the hope that maybe I CAN get a BIT better, but I’m still twisting and turning between the control it has over me here and thus my/anorexia’s control over the treatment/staff/food here. If ANY of you are still with me then hello and thank you so much. I WANT to stop being a monster, if that means I HAVE to let go, I CAN’T be sectioned into it but I just need to stop it winning but i’m TRYING to want that, I’m trying because I KNOW what I’m doing now, I’m not blind anymore  it’s just how scary it is that I can’t stop and I can’t stop this by myself, I am accepting at least I can’t without SPECIALISED help because I’m BEGGING for help here and they can’t help me even if I want it.

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You're gorgeous and amazing and I hope one day you see that too xx

Xxx

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But LOOK AT THESE!❤❤ #cat #boots #shoes #love #cute #buys #shopping #positivity #anorexiarecovery

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And I came home to a wonderful little letter on the cutest paper I might add from @letsrediscoverkitty which I love every bit of and I'm going to stick the post it's around my mirror😊 aah and now I finally have a quest bar thank you kitty! ❤❤ #letter #penpal #sweet #friend #positivityfairy

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Pretty much walk in my door and already I'm in my comfy pjs,socks,my hair is up out my face and I'm getting a film to watch😂 I hate leaving my house tbh😕 but my flat mates are in the kitchen cooking so I'm just sat here waiting lol😂

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God it's sad reading your last entry, you do realise you will if you don't stop losing end up dead or inpatient again and made to gain it all back, then you can come out, lose it all again whilst working, be sectioned and go back in- back to BMI of 20 and the cycle will start again. That'll be it unless you die in the process, what a waste, a real waste of life and talent. They may not even let you out based on your history for a long time- I've known people in hospital for several years. Fight

Oh im pretty much realising this yes..Because I dont know how much longer i can go on no. However, i just dont see any other way, i cant cope at ALL right now and i am literally crying every day like i wish i could explain on here just how bad things are seriously but i dont want to really.. BUT i just cant not, i cant not loose weight or keep on feeling like this because i just dont want to, i dont want to do anything else or i just cant i dont know.. i dont want to keep on being and feeling this repulsive this massive, keep eating too much everyday and hating myself for it, but i know ill just keep going for as long as i possibly can feeling like i cant keep going anymore until i reach somepoint which will be an end which will probably be because things go wrong and then ill run away from it because i am NEVER ending up sectioned or inpatient i am not i am not i would rather die than end up there again. One day maybe, but now im not going to, i cant gain weight when i cant even loose because loosing im just getting bigger and bigger and my life is crumbling more.

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i just dont want to be here anymore

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Lizzie McGuire movies and nutter butters,frozen 🍓🍓🍓s and tea✌

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Tidied my room earlier and made

#dinner which is guillan rice vermicelli and a mountain of stir fried veggies with favoured baked tofu and salad and yes omg I have BBQ sauce with everything😂😂😂✌ watching a film called tuck everlasting and drinking tons of sugar free ice pink lemonade under blankets because now I’m freeeeezing😂

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Absolute shit day crying at work and quitting my second job because I COULDNT do a full 7pm-12:30am shift after doing 11am-6pm😔 I literally have felt slightly suicidal I feel that low because I don't know what I'm going to do with my life at all other than keep going down down then running away from it😔 but I made myself dinner after just having oats with cereal and then a pack of flying saucers all day_😓😪 I'm stupid and I have felt absolutely enormous all day_😭 watching harry potter with this to try comfort myself I guess😔 but anyway this is a sweet potato with lightest philly with like half a courgette grilled lol,homemade sweet potato beet falalfels and a few baby breadsticks then celery sticks,cucumber,broccoli, pepper,lots of iceberg and tomatoes with BBQ sauce😔

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So i like broke down on the phone to my mum on the way to my first work😔 I just can't cope as I ended up eating so disgustingly fast before i left as i ran out of time and I just feel i keep eating so much and SO SO fast like ridiculous it makes me sick but if I don't I dont eat enough before work and barely make it through my shifts and I literally can't cope working as I'm vile and lazy and weak and I keep crying I'm literally going to have to try not to cry tonight because I've eaten more yet again before my 2nd shift and I'm never going to keep my jobs as i can't stop crying because of eating before work. My mum just keeps telling me to go to a gp but she said I won't and I won't get the help and I'll end up in hospital again and they'll weigh me and I'll get sectioned again and the thing is I won't because I'm still about 9 kilos above my lowest weight and I still look absolutely fine or my mum or work would have said something?! I just can't cope and I'm sat Herr before my second shift after an hour since my last and I'm working till 12.30 and I've eaten a mini hot cross bun,5 mini homemade sweet potato falafels AND some sweet potato rounds with 1 spoon of almond butter and I feel vile again because I've eaten but also now my stomach hurts and I've still got another mini hot cross bun and a Quaker cereal bar in my bag but I'm so scared I'll be so disgusting and I'll end up eating them now and buying more later or I'll eat them both either way im vile because I can't stop crying at what I'm eating😭 I literally just want to be sent home or call in sick even though I'm here but then I will just end up loosing my job I'm such a failure at everything I can't stop crying..

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So I eat marshmallows for breakfast😂 5 caramel mashmallow bites with a massive 60gram bowl of shreddies and frozen berries which I may have stolen from my flatmate ssh 🙊 and a frothed up black coffee x2😉 partly because yeah I ate a shit ton of salt yesterday and I'm STILL the same weight so phew😪 and I also woke up in the night reaally hungry😥 and drank Pepsi Max because my addiction to pop is a littttttle out of hand😂 not working till 2pm but then I'm working straight at the pub at 7pm till 12:30 after the shop😢😖😭 I hate work so much I'm so lazy and it makes me feel shit as I eat so much but otherwise I can barely do it what is wrong with me urgh😔😪 I didn't even mean to rant here sorry haha...😯 #food #breakfast #marshmallows #cereal #shreddies #coffee #anorexia #work #life #fat

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Sorry photo insecurities ha... Feat my messy desk..dinner because i spent my whole work shift with a stabbing stomach and feeling like fainting is a lightest philly,honemade beetroot falafel and beetroot;) salad sandwich id made earlier (oops) just toasted it with onions and had beetroot and salad on the side with absolutely loads of salt and bbq sauce lol #dinner #food #myfood #sandwich #veggie #vegetarian #anorexia

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Maple brown sugar #oats with frozen apple/banana and peanut butter along with a mini hot cross bun and lots of coffee. God what is wrong with how FAST i eat though seriously... Im sickening #ee #breakfast #oatmeal #food #myfood #peanutbutter #banana #porridge #anorexia

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Feeling fresh with no make up for once despite my insides crawling with fat oh my head 

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my fave part of your inpatient wordpress entries was you saying you were hungry and wanted to eat. honestly people just dont get this. when you're in IP it is possible to have nice meals and you dont want to be on supplement. and when you're on supplement all the time it makes you more hungry. does this make sense? when I was in IP there were points where I was sooo hungry and wanted food. and its such a misconception that all anorexics never want to eat.

YES. I actually posted a rant about me NOW as well and this is me constantly. I get hungry, I want to eat and its not about not being hungry or wanting to eat! In ip it was almost this (what sickens me and did at the time, it makes myou feel so much more disgusting for feeling like this too) relief as i’d choose my puddings that i hadn’t eaten in ages or as i knew i had to go in again. the supplemnents were like milkshakes but it didnt stop you wanting to eat, it didnt ease the wanting to eat or the hunger but the food DID and even if that felt worse, i preferred letting myself eat the chocolate bar for snack say than have the supplement for the same calories and be left WANTING or craving chocolate because I literally kill myself over cravings or wanting food whereas if i ATE the chocolate bar then i could eat it quickly, ignore the satisfaction (ew ew) from eating chocolate and then i wouldnt want it and i could feel disgusting after but know i didnt feel hungry. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? No one ever gets this I dont think though?

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I spent my first night on the locked psychiatric intensive care unit in tears and terrified. It scared me, to think that I was needing to be in a place meant for very very ill people, but it scared...

PART TWO FINALLY UP!

I know I can only write short amounts every month or two lol but i just find it so hard as i dont know what to write its such a blur but im just STILL so full of disgust and traumatic memories and tbh there are more a few months after this as it all started up again even when my weight was high but i just need it down however slowly it comes…