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Shout into the void.
I miss my ex. I hate how she's been since we broke up. I can't tell if I still love her. I try to talk to her and feel worse every time. Yet I still want her in my life. I want an apology. I wanted her to fight for me. I want to know that I didn't waste 4years on someone who couldn't possibly have loved me as much as I liked them. Bc if you did I'd be on your mind several times a day.
Please pay attention to me. I’m crying for the third day in a row and you’re at work again and I don’t want to feel left behind and I didn’t ask for time off from work to do anything and I’ve thought about cutting like 3 times in 24 hours and I don’t want to be here for thanksgiving and I don’t know what to say when you get drunk and I smoke and we pretend everything’s fine because I”m not fine. I woke up screaming and you slept through it and I asked for one day where you didn’t sit online with your computer screen and you didn’t want to because I’d already asked one too many times but fuck I really need it and I lied and said I’d be better tonight but I”m not and its 5pm and I”m going to sleep and I’ll be here when you get home and I won’t know what to say so I wont say anything and you’ll think we’re okay as I get worse and worse and I just want someone to NOTICE for once and make me feel like I”m worth...Something? Maybe. I asked for help with turning something in, and it’s sitting on your desktop and you yell at me whenever I ask about it and I just wanted to feel safe but I don’t and I don’t think I ever will when you tell me I can’t even leave the house without having to tell everyone. I just need space sometimes when I feel almost okay until I need anything but space when I pass the breakdown point and I dont know when one starts and the other stops and I just want to feel like I’m important to you but you only care when you hear me say I need it and never when I don’t tell you and I don’t think that’s love and I still think I love you but it hurts so goddamn much to always put myself second but you dont even see it like that and I have no idea what to do and I just want to leave you and never look back but you need me and I think I need you too and its so sad to me and I dont know what to do anymore. I wish I knew what to do.
Overheard
I heard my roommates talking about me, and they weren’t saying anything bad, but I felt awkward and dont want to go downstairs now.
So I might be going on a date with him? I'm so confused. He's my roommates friend for like 10 years, and so he came over to hang out. And like, he kept asking me what I was looking for in a guy, and I was like not sure what to say. Bc tbh I don't know. But so he then wants me to ask not ness personal questions, but like he ends up telling me about his past relationships and how he was engaged and is currently dating again. And Nicole(the roommate of mine) and him were planning a double date and she was like "it could be you!" To me and idk if I want that? I said I like magic/am a lil nerdy and like he seemed into me/that. So then the next day he comes over again bc Nicoles doing a group thing and he brought his decks of magic cards and I'm not sure if he wanted someone to play with or was trying to be nice or WHY And so I don't think he has my number or anything but I'm also not sure I should say yes if he asks me out. Like I like the idea of being set up tbh but I'm not sure bc I didn't look at him and automatically think he was cute or anything. I wish I had someone to ask. I don't know there's plenty of details I'm probably leaving out.
AHHHH
I came downstairs without a bra on, just a shirt and like nbd it's 11pm But my roommate has her boyfriend over and I didn't know So now I feel bad that he probably was staring Hopefully it doesn't happen again
Crushes
So, Okay. I’m not really sure what my sexuality is. There are people I think are great, and yet, when I had the chance to kiss one of them (her name was Morgan) I didn’t. There was a few reasons, one being that they had just gotten out of a relationship, the other being our age difference. But really, it was just me being scared. I was at Momo’s house nothing was going to happen but I chickened out. Then, there are people who think that I am great. James treated me like a Princess who was going to be Queen. He loved me, and yet, I didn’t feel as strongly about him. There is no reason for this? He beat me at games of thought such as chess and ugh a 3 way forced win of Connect4 that still astonishes me. He was interested in trying new things that I was interested in. He was willing to go out of his way to just spend time with me and run errands. He introduced me to his friends and never pressured me into anything I wasn’t ready for. Am I asexual? Am I bisexual? How can you tell?
I feel so lost, because I never assumed I was anything other than straight. I know all evidence points to this not being “just a phase” but I”m not sure where girls fit into my life. I like the reality of “Straight Passing” even if it is the most awful thing to other people. I really wish I had someone to talk to who could help me.
Fancy Feet
So, okay. I had literally one pair of shoes that I was down to, and so I went and bought myself some knock-off red converse, and a pair of boots because they were on sale. Then, my wonderful aunt Audrey bought me a pair of actual snow shoes. My best friend Katie bought me a pair of boots, my mom bought me UGG Boots, and my other best friend Harmony gave me some knockoff UGG style boots. THEN, There was a sale and I got myself one more pair of shoes for less than $20. I just am so blessed that everyone cares about me and knows what I need. I now have more than 5 pairs of shoes and it feels great
Perfect Sendoff
Before moving out, I kept asking my mom to “Show her support” or asking her if she thought I was making a good choice. She didnt seem to care at all. Then, we were looking at shoes and shes like “I saw some UGG Boots lets go back and I’ll show you” and so we did but they were out of my budget so I left and that was that. But then! She and I are eating lunch like the next day and she leaves to go to the bathroom and COMES BACK WITH THE UGG BOOTS!!!! SHE BOUGHT ME UGG BOOTS This is the woman who won’t spend $30 on a shirt for herself. The parent who makes me feel like a failure a lot of the time wanted me to know that she supported me and she picked the perfect way to show it. I love my shoes and I love my mom, despite the challenges we’ve had.
I don’t know why I care when clearly you don’t at all
Today I was supposed to get dinner with my mom. We stopped at Petco first. She didn’t have enough cash to buy something and get food, so we drove back home. We went back to the store and when we were in the checkout the card had “insufficient funds”. So then my mom drives back home and tells me that I”m “uninvited” to eat with her. So shes getting food without me and I’m very upset.
Q&A Family-Style
Me: *sitting at dinner with my mom and grandma*
Grandma: *looks at my mom* Does Sophia like tomatoes?
My mum: Yes she likes tomatoes
Me later: *to my mom* I can talk tho??? Why was she not asking me??
Mum: I didnt notice
IDK ITS JUST SOMETHING THAT BOTHERS ME
Family vs Fam
Recently the phrase Fam has come up as a slang term. I’ve used it, and so have you probably. It doesn't take a lot, just the feeling that someone is there for you, has your back, is going to help you. Family is not the same thing, and I was just thinking about that today as I was at my cousins house. I havent seen him in over a year and I dont really think I’ll see him again for just as long. I think hes a funny person, but I dont consider him fam. I had a nice time with him and his family, but none of them are my family. His wife, his daughter and his new son plus two grandmas and one grandpa and none of them are people I actually would go rescue (Other than the fact that his children are too little to leave by themselves in an emergency). I love myself too much to consider them family.
On Dogs
I have a pet dog, Rene. Shes great, but I dont take good care of her. I’m not trying to be a bad pet owner, but I dont change her water everyday and my moms in charge of feeding her and I dont play with her bc tbh I think shes annoying. Shes smelly and like yeah I could wash her but thats so much effort and shes an old dog I dont care anymore. I want to, but I dont. I’m not a good mom to her.
Roller skating for my 20th birthday party. We went for food after, but wow I’m so lame not having an actual party party?? I feel like I”m missing out but also I dont want to get too drunk to remember so IDK
UBER Story
Okay So I have a shitty phone, right? My friend Cristian ordered me an uber carpool. A car pulled up and me and my friend got in and I GET A TEXT FROM CRISTIAN THAT THE CAR IS ARRIVING IN TWO MINUTES And so I”m freaked out and the drivers like “Kristen?” and my friend says “yes” bc IT SOUNDED THE SAME And so he starts driving to the wrong address and I”m like “No wait this isnt right” and Harmony all “text Cristian to change the address” BUT HE CANT WHOOPS and so we end up getting to the right place after NOT TELLING THE DRIVER THAT WE FUCKED UP Just that there was an error somehow and I’m still not sure Harmony knows what happened but I just want to give a huge shout out to whoever actually paid for my car ride home you’re the real MVP And also I need a smartphone shhhh