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on survival

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So if you're anything like me, things are not going well. There are good times, some periods where things go well, and things seem to be falling in your favor, but they don't seem to last very long, do they?

I am in the worst depressive episode I've had since high school. Despite my antidepressants, this is the most intense and longest lasting mood crater I've experienced in almost a decade. But things will get better. It's hard to believe it. I didn't believe it five minutes ago and I might not believe it in another five, but I'm writing this as a reminder of my faith. I cried a little bit. Got some of the poison out.

My friends believe in me, and perhaps more importantly, in this moment, I believe in myself.

---

After writing this, I took my bike out. I've been biking around my city for about an hour and a half, thinking about things. No music. Just listening to the sounds of the city. Parties in houses on this Friday night, music blasting out of cars, the skyline view from my second favorite bridge. I haven't left my house in days. I'm remembering that I'm a living person too, with a place here. Other people do not see me and immediately cast me out as a monster. I am barely spared a glance as I ride past. This feels, oddly, like a lifeline.

I bike past my old apartment. That's where I had my first cigarette, the first place I got so drunk I threw up, the first place I lived in this city. I used to walk out that front door at 6 am to hit the gym, and I still remember the first snowfall of that year. The cracks in the pavement are wide.

There's a square with a fountain tucked away behind some old buildings. It's the first place I fell in love with this city. It's spring; the weather is warming. The snow hasn't been melted long enough for the fountain to come back alive. Not yet.

I am finally back home. The front door is opened, stepped through, shut, and locked. My shoes are removed. Blood is pumped through my body, and with it comes a cleansing, calming heat.

To paraphrase, it might take my whole life, but I'll still be right on time.

entheognosis

In a society that values conformity and obedience, the individual who dares to think for himself is often banished and ridiculed. These non-conformists, these outcasts, are the true pioneers of society, the ones who push us to question our assumptions and broaden our horizons. They are the ones who are not afraid to be different, to be themselves. If you feel like an outsider, like you don't fit in with the crowd, that's a good thing. It means that you have the potential to make a real difference in the world. Don't be afraid to be yourself, to follow your own path. The world needs your unique perspective.

Timothy Leary