I'M MESSING UP

ALL ABOUT ME TWITTER

[imreallybad-deactivated20150610]

i wish men understood that when women are talking about feminism and rape culture and shit, it’s not just a political conversation. it’s not about being a “social justice warrior” or whatever. it’s about our actual lives being shaped by misogyny since childhood, and the daily reality of living in fear of violence. this isn’t a fucking game or philosophical debate. this is our fucking lives. 

[od3nir]

【this was drawn for a paying client. please do not tag as #me or #kin.】

experimental commission for bob-todd, keyword was “springtime” !

[impyog]

mirror

hi i havent posted on this blog with anything real in like years i think so im going to talk about my fear of mirrors

 my fear of mirrors, the way it manifests itself, is surprisingly easy to keep from others. over the years i’ve learned the most muted ways possible to deal with my fear of mirrors, which, in relation to severity, is in constant flux (yet always present). most people do not notice the everyday ways i deal with mirrors, and even if they did it may look more like a habit or accident or coincidence or anything but a “mirror phobia”. a doctor once described it as a phobia, another an obsessive compulsion, but to be honest it doesn’t exactly feel like either. anyway, most people don’t notice it at all. a few people i’ve known for years never knew until i was forced to bring it up, and most of my family does not know.

 what exactly i’m afraid about is not something i can pinpoint, i am not afraid of seeing myself, it isn’t conscious (not that it never was, but i was quite young). when i’m in a crowded public bathroom, i don’t avoid the mirrors at all. when i’m in the bathroom with my partner or a friend i don’t avert my gaze (until the very last moment we’re in the bathroom, if i am the last one out). these are probably the reasons no one spots my behavior, they mostly emerge when i am alone. not until i have to do something like take a mirror off of my friend’s living room wall to sleep, or cover up the mirror in  my mom’s living room if i was home alone that day, things like that, does anyone really know.

 my fear of mirrors is not generalized, it is very specific and detailed. i’m afraid of being alone with a mirror, unless i am doing something related to “fixing” my appearance, and even then i am afraid of looking behind myself through it. i’m afraid of being alone in silence with a mirror. i’m afraid of seeing into another room through a mirror, even when i’m not alone, and similarly i’m afraid of looking at a mirror that is in a different room than i’m in. i’m especially afraid of being in the same room as a mirror in the dark, even accompanied. to qualm these fears, i do things such as; close one eye while walking by a bathroom with an opened door (sometimes turning my head entirely if it is dark), not look at myself in the mirror if i’m brushing my teeth alone, try to be the first one exiting the bathroom when i am with someone else so that i don’t have to be the one to flick the light switch, wherein i always close the eye toward the mirror, close the door even if i’m in the bathroom to quickly get something from a drawer, turn the bathroom fan on if i am alone even for a moment, and if the bathroom has no fan i (wastefully) turn the faucet on, even just a trickle, and other ways which have really become such a part of my life that i don’t really notice when i do them (i would notice if i did not do them, but that never happens).

 mostly, my behavior isn’t debilitating. at it’s worst, i was so afraid to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night that i peed in my bed once, and that wasn’t all that long ago. i’ve never told anyone besides my partner, christopher, about that so it’s really awfully embarrassing to type. i also skipped a countless amount of tooth brushing over the years. otherwise, it’s simply a fear that makes me do small things or rush past the bathroom door at night. it’s not life-ruining in any way, but it is frustrating to be uncontrollably scared of something i have to interact with daily.

 trying to trace my fear of mirrors, i can remember my brothers trying to get me to do “bloody mary”. i can remember, more significantly, my extreme self-consciousness (specifically relating in this case would be the self-consciousness about my appearance) throughout my childhood. when i was in preschool and kindergarten i used to cry and want to stay home, saying “my friends wont think i’m beautiful”. in middle school i was perhaps the most self-conscious i’ve ever been and would close one eye while walking by the mirror near the exit of the girls locker room so i didn’t have to see myself. i honestly figured i would rather not know how ugly i was in front of people at school because there was nothing i could do about it anyway. that seems to be my only direct connection to the behavior i’ve been displaying since then.

 obviously, it seems like my self-consciousness is the root of my fear, and that’s possible, but i would stress “root”. i’m older now, i’m an adult, and i usually like the way i look. i found out how to like my curly hair, my acne that emerged when i was 10 finally found itself mostly gone, i’m comfortable not wearing makeup, i usually don’t give a shit about my antibiotic stained teeth, and i’m not so concerned with how others perceive my gender. i’m not cripplingly self-conscious about my appearance anymore, and it seems like my fear of mirrors should be alleviated. but it’s definitely not. i spent so much of the most crucial and formative years of my life carrying out these behaviors that constantly evolved their own new facets that i seem to be stuck with them. if the self-consciousness was the beginning of this all, then that’s all it was, the beginning. now i’ve got this irrational, uncontrollable, and possibly obsessive compulsive dread to deal with. not that irrational anxiety is anything different from the rest of my life, but it’s fucking obnoxious.

[doingabouthaving-havingdone]

Towel, 2014

[palabradedior]

Thom Browne

Fall-Winter 2015

París Fashion Week

[whatisajanis]

Juun J FW2015

[impyog]

hello me and the boy are working on a thing right now it is going to be good

[kvlstep]

Undercover Fall Winter 2015

[impyog]

american fantail / lahore

[wormyorchids]

a giant mesquite bug.

[mirrormaskcamera]

The Witch Bottle (2015)

Acrylic on canvas, 24x36 inches.

by kolaboy (Danny Malboeuf)

[yamissoni]

Afropunk Fashion #upcoming

[impyog]

a 'comic' abt brian lee ( chickensnack )'s meme status + a draw dog tuesday

[impyog]

hi everyone i just moved to IL with my s.g. (SIGNIFICANT GOBLIN) and its the best we went to a pumpkin patch and are now hoarding these beautiful pumpkins

[impyog]

UHM HA HA POSTING ON OLD BLOG FOR radgirls-badboys

[softsadmana-deactivated20140108]

[scifigrl47]

My mother had three pregnancies, and two children. She had a miscarriage, between my brother and I, in that four year span between our births, there was another pregnancy, another child desperately wanted, who didn’t live to term.

My mother had her pre-natal care, and her...